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Help… My 8 yr old refuses to speak to anyone she doesn't know…
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My 8 year old daughter refuses to speak to people she doesn’t know. Today at the eye doctor she refused to say a word to any of the staff there which obviously made the exam more difficult. I know some times my presence makes the behavior worse so I stepped out of the room but she stilled refused to talk to the doctor. This happens at the dentist, the clinic, the library, the store, everywhere. When I picked her up from a birthday party a few weeks ago she refused to thank the host mom, whom we know, until I was outside. This isn’t a new behavior and she is choosing to do it because she is quite capable of socializing. At the homeschool co-op or Sunday school she is talkative and responds fine to her classmates and teachers. She is fine around our friends and family we see often. If someone asks her name, age, grade, how she is and she doesn’t know them well she will turn away and not say anything. This is nothing new its been going on for years but I still don’t know how to respond appropriately or what to expect. I would like her to at least be cordial and answer a question or address people who speak to her. I feel embarrassed and think it is quite impolite and I know those are my feeling I have to deal with. How do I help her to at least be polite?
We give them consequences for that behavior. If our DC refuse to speak to people after we tell them that’s what we expect we treat it as defiance. They are capable of speaking, socializing, and being polite so we discipline for that as with any other disobedience of understood rules. I want them to get into the habit of thinking of others and interacting with them no matter how they feel at the moment. My two cents for what it’s worth…
Dana
My dd has been similar. At times it has been embarrassing. She is 11 now and most of the time will at least nod to questions. She is also quite chatty in some situations but will clam up in others. I have talked to her about being polite and not hurting others feelings. I think over time some of that had seeped in and she is improving. I would not discipline for it. Even though they can talk at times, I am not sure it is a choice not to. I think they are somewhat paralyzed with shyness. I think just gentle prodding but not forcing and talks when the pressure is off are the way to go.
Nebby
I think I would try harder to figure out the reason behind the behavior before treating it like a discipline issue. Is it shyness? Has she been taught or told somewhere not to talk to strangers? Have you discussed it with her? Does she behave like this only when you are with her? What about when her dad is present? Until I got to the bottom of it, I would just answer or speak for her if possible. Example-instead of saying “Say thank you to Mrs. So and So for inviting you to the party.” -you just say “Thank-you so much for the invitation, I’m sure she enjoyed herself!”. Hang in there!
I have a little boy who will do this as well. He will get very uncomfortable and almost sullen in new situations or around new people.
Honestly, I tried hard to work with him and sympathize with him for a long time. But at some point it just became rude. It is an act of self control to think of others and treat them with respect.
We did have to start disciplining him for this type of behavior when we could see it had crossed the line into disobedience. And he has improved quite a bit.
Often, it takes an act of will (speaking to others even when uncomfortable) and then the child will begin to feel more comfortable as they grow confident in dealing with others.
I would also not discipline for it. I had this problem at times as a child, and can absolutely say that being disciplined, embarassed (ie, my parents attempting to force me to talk to the person while still in front of the person), or putting me on the spot did absolutely *nothing* to help me move beyond the problem. If anything it made it even worse.
In my case, I would say it was a combination of naturally being shy, being unsure what to say, insecurity, and even a fear of rejection all sort came together to almost “paralyze” me, as Nebby put it. (I didn’t realize all that at the time, of course, but looking back, I think those are all factors that played into it.)
I would try to talk to her, gently and kindly in a non-pressure situation, about what might be behind it, and take steps to address the underlying issues. Ask her how you can work together to help overcome the problem. Take little, tiny baby steps if need be. Let her know that you are on her side and not her adversary in this. Help her to understand that the Lord can help her to do things that are hard or that she doesn’t want to do – pray with her and for her about this. And be patient – in my case plain old maturity helped a lot. Ages 7-14 or so were terribly awkward and uncomfortable for me – especially in social situations – but time, experience, and especially support and encouragement from others helped me to slowly come out of my shell.
HTH some,
Jen
whether or not you feel it is a discipline issue….the way we talk about this with our boys is with the idea that we are to treat others how we wish to be treated, and ignoring someone is not how we would want to be treated. We discuss how not speaking is saying (without words) that I don’t think you are important, or that I don’t think you deserve my attention, and I don’t value you – and those aren’t words you would want to say outloud. We approach it as a respect issue and that we are to respect others, show them hospitality and we want to make others feel comfortable, and not speaking to them makes them feel very uncomfortable. My husband is very shy, so he has been a big help in talking with them about this. He encourages them that even as an adult he is uncomfortable talking to new people – but it is just something you have to do. We do assure them that we would not ask them to talk to someone that isn’t safe (so keeping with the they don’t have to talk to a stranger if we aren’t around). When they do a good job, we praise them highly. When they are rude – we talk about it and deal with it soon afterwards. When we know a situation is coming up (like going to town) we prep them for it. Sometimes it goes great, sometimes not, we just keep on keeping on it. But I do think addressing it as young as possible helps, and not making excuses for them and ignoring it.
I have some children like this (and others who will. not. stop. talking. EVER.) Just like we practice with them on how to answer the phone, we practice responding to people politely. Children should practice looking others in the eye, shaking hands if that is appropriate, and practice their responses to typical ‘stranger’ questions. If you make the practicing into a game it will be more effective.
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