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Help – my 7 year old is ready to get married!??! What do I do? Anything?
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Hi there, 🙂
I feel a little silly posting this, but I am not sure if I should be doing something or not.
My 7 year old daughter has fallen head over heels in love with a 14 year old boy. The good thing is that he is from a very good conservative Christian homeschooling family that we are around alot and love, so at least she has good taste.. 🙂
The oldest daughter warned me that all the little girls fall for him, but I brushed it off thinking not my serious minded and usually shy girl. But, then we went for a day to a state park and there were deer and he took her of all the group to get a closer look and explained how not to scare them off, etc. From this he acheived instant super hero status – or should I say instant husband status!
And I mean she is just nuts for him! Watches him all the time, does these flirty laughing things, draws pictures of them being married..! I am like I didn’t teach you all this already! How do you know all this??!! So I ask the mom of the family if any of her 3 girls have gone through this and she says no.
So now I don’t have anyone to ask what to do because she hasn’t even been through this. And then my analytical side starts thinking about how they are a “perfect” family with a fabulous leader/father, so of course their girls wouldn’t need or want any additional attention from outside him. And then I remember falling “in love” about the same age with one of my older boy cousins (I know, ewwwww! now) and how maybe I did that because my dad was never around and didn’t show affection to us very well. And I think well, my husband works alot and gets home and just wants to rest sometimes and isn’t very affectionate with her either. So, could that be it? Is my daughter reaching out to any nice boy/man because they pay better attention to her than her daddy? Am I over thinking this? What do I do? Do I teach her that this isn’t proper and somehow teach her how to get over it, or do I just let it go because she is 7? I don’t want to have the wrong reaction, but I am not sure what reaction I should have… Any wisdom and experience in this area would be very much appreciated!
My DD has been very interested in boys and talked of marrying them when she was 7. (She’s only 9 now) I just told her that it is normal to like boys and sometimes one boy more than another but she is too young to be thinking of or doing anything about it. I told her that God made us that way and when she is old enough she will find the man that she will marry. In the meantime, when she feels that way about a boy that he isn’t to be treated any different than her other friends.
I have heard of other girls that age with crushes. I think I would use it as an opportunity to discuss marriage but mostly hope that it blows over.
My 7yo daughter is more interested in marriage than a particular boy. She recently had an elaborate wedding to a stuffed walrus.
Nebby
I have two girls and 5 boys. Oldest girl is 11 and never did this. My youngest girl is turning 7 next week and decided she would marry a boy from our church whose family we do homeschool activities with when she was about 5.5. Total opposites! My advice is to do gentle talks about your family’s view of marriage and when it is appropriate to look for a mate. At our house that is when you are old enough to actually marry (18+). Before then we only make lots of friends, no steady dating, no single dating (must be group dates), and dating may not happen before age 16. We say that dating is for getting to know people in a fun group, that when we’re ready to look for someone to marry we and they must be old enough and mature enough to be ready to be parents ourselves. If we are still kids then we’re not ready to look for or plan a marriage. Good luck!
Ha, Nebby – that’s great… My dd8 has been married to a stuffed tiger named Michael for about 5 years now.
But, she also was “betrothed” when she was 5 to a *real* boy (no, not Pinnochio). She walked in from playing in our (then) new neighborhood one day and announced that she and Noah were going to get married. I asked her when and she replied, “Someday.” To which I then replied, “Well, I just talked to Noah’s mom and they are moving, so you might want to get his phone number so you can keep in touch.” She was way too shy to ask for his number, so apparently that fizzled. Noah’s family never moved, but we did plus started homeschooling so it kind of never came up again. I asked her just now if she was still going to marry Noah, and she said, “Who?”
It’s likely a harmless phase, but I think in this situation I’d be concerned about the age difference and likely just be mindful of them not being unsupervised/unchaperoned until it wears itself out. Although if you think she’s just getting carried away, you’ve gotten some great advice from Tristan and pangit.
Let us know how it goes…
Jenni
I would not stress. I have 2 girls. My oldest (10) has a little crush. It is totally normal. Talk to her ask her about why she wants to marry him. Don’t make her feel like her feelings are bad or wrong. Just encourage her to talk to you about it. Make it a light fun conversation. If she says he is cute, nice, etc.. agree with her and smile. You want her to feel like she can talk to you about it. After listening talk to her about how a girl or woman should act toward a boy or man. Talk to her about when she thinks is a good time/age for marriage is and why. Make the conversation light but don’t make light of her feeling. Take what she says seriously. Your goal should be that she does not act inappropriately around him, not that she has none of these feelings.
I grew up feeling that it was wrong to feel that way unless I was the right age. I felt hindered and unable to talk to my mom about my feelings when I was young and it passed on to my later years.
“Your goal should be that she does not act inappropriately around him, not that she has none of these feelings.”
I so agree with this statement!
We have three girls (2 of which are 17 and 16) and the way we have handled things is that we do not react when there are crushes, etc. We do talk about what characteristics would be good in a spouse, etc. We have a GREAT relationship with our teens and I really feel that open, non-judgemental communication from early on has helped build the relationship that we have today. And now that my oldest is getting to the age when a serious relationship could occur, she still talks to her dad and I about things. Really, really a huge blessing.
Hi there, 🙂
Thank you all for sharing your stories and your advice! I love the stuffed animal weddings from Nebby and Jenni. So cute! That is much easier than a real live boy. 🙂 Perhaps I can find a really handsome and charming bear for Christmas…hmmmm…. JK 🙂
We had bible study last night and this family was to be there too, so we had a gentle conversation yesterday encompassing several of the things you ladies mentioned and she seemed to take it all in well. She did a good job playing with everyone for most of the night and then I started seeing her get star struck by him again at the end of the night before we left. Sigh.. 🙂
But, we lay in her bed together every night and she will chat away about whatever she is thinking and she was still open last night about what charming things he had done and this time I just listened and rubbed her leg that was next to me because I do value so much having that open communication as you mentioned, HiddenJewel.
So, it will probably be a mix of gentle conversations of what is appropriate and why as well as listening to her and just being there for her to tell her thoughts to. I am so grateful I get to hear her thoughts and pray that continues forever. That isn’t a relationship I have with my own mother, so it is especially precious to me to be that for her.
Thank you for each of your advice and any others who share their stories. When you haven’t been brought up in the home you wish to emulate for your own family, other people’s advice, wisdom and help is so important and very much appreciated! 🙂
I think it is sort of cute. I have a 6 yr old that has also been betrothed since she was 2. She loved a boy from our old church. She announced years ago she was going to marry him. We all laugh but she still says that and even though she had not seen him in awhile she still is dead set on marrying him. He thinks it is just cute. He would hold her because she was made him feel loved. I mean what man doesn’t want to be thought of as special? She has a good relationship with her father and I and so I don’t think that has anything to do with her wanting to marry. I think some girls just see something good in their family and want it also. She wants to marry and homeschool her children. Some children want to be nurses, teachers in a ps. Mine wants to marry and have children. Isn’t that what we all wanted to do when we were younger? We played dolls. Have a kitchen set. Feed the baby, diaper the baby, clothe the baby, Wouldn’t we want a father for that baby too???? We are all just little girls with real babies! Yes, we didn’t grow up!
My oldest daughter was more of a sporty type girl. She was into basketball, volleyball, cheerleading, gymnastics, ect… She didn’t have such an interest in baby dolls or husbands for the babies. So, I think it is just all in what type of child you have. My youngest is so affectionate. She is always kissing and hugging on us. She has so much love to give. I try to stiffle it sometimes but I see how it affects those around her that need it… One day we were skating. A little girl who has problems at home, she befriended. She gave her a big hug and wanted to kiss her goodbye. The girl was sort of horrified but you could see she wanted the love. She made a big deal out of it. My daughter didn’t care she just wanted to love her. I tried to explain to the little girl that she is homeschooled and doesn’t realize that most people don’t do that. The little girl after that loved and expected the hugs. My daughter I explained several times that she can’t go around kissing and hugging everyone. She just doesn’t get it. Like I said, some children have so much love to give they just love everyone. I thought that there are so many people out there that need it. G-d made her special. To love unconditional. Some people need that. Now, I don’t mean leaving her alone with males to be affectionate or inappropriate but you should see peoples faces light up when she wants to give them genuine love. We are to be as little children… I see why G-d created us to be like that. He created us in his image. He loved us so much that he gave his only son for us. Imagine what would have done with a daughter???? Tehe he
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