Help for Son choosing poor influences

The book (“Hold On to Your Kids”/Neufeld) basically talks about how kids in our society are being put into daycare in infancy at worst, and into kindergarten with both parents really busy, at best.  This has been going on for 30(?) years now or so.  Kids WILL attach to SOMEONE because it’s an intrinsic drive so, more and more, earlier and earlier, kids are attaching to peers in a horizontal sort of way, instead of attaching to adults/parents in a vertical way.  And it’s like the blind leading the blind.  It’s the first time ever in our history that this is so, children essentially raising their peers instead of adults doing the leading and guiding, and his premise is that this abberated attachment of children to other children instead of children attached to adults is causing the breakdown of our society. 

So, as Christian homeschoolers, we scatch our heads and wonder how our kids can become peer dependent when we haven’t even put them in PS much less full time daycare since they were babies (NOT knocking anyone if you have had to do this however).  If you’re like me, you also wonder how MANY Christian kids from strong Christian families do go to public school and continue to have strong bonds with their families throughout and grow into fine Christian men and women.  (I’ve known MANY PS families like this over the years!)

I’m feeling like, after reading this book and really praying about this issue a lot, that it has a lot to do with attachment and my child’s personal relationship/attachment to me and my husband.  If a child has a good relationship with their parents, where he feels valued, where parents are making time to listen to his heart and relate to him in a deep way, that family is going to be way ahead of other families, homeschool or public school, who don’t make time to really nurture their relationships with their kids.  As a homeschooler, I know that I can be home all day with my kids and be “checked out” for much of the day/week/month if we have something major going on.  Also, I can put my house on autopilot and go veg out in front of the computer or hang on the phone and ignore them as much as if they were in PS.  It doesn’t happen a lot but I’d be being dishonest if I ignored the fact that I do do this at times! 

Sometimes as Christians, I think we can focus too much on discipline and character development (which IS good and important) without looking at our relationship with our child and the shape that it is in.  Neufeld’s assertion is that if you and your child are having problems you must focus on the realtionship FIRST if you are going to make any real and lasting progress, otherwise, it’s just outward behavior modification.

We’ve all been sick here and my brain feels so fuzzy this morning – I hope I’ve made some sense!  I really really would urge anyone to get a copy of this book and give it a look.  It dovetails nicely with Sonya’s cd on reaching our children’s hearts.  I’m so glad to hear of your son having fun with his sister – that’s a great step!  And I know what you mean about “dude” – one of my most despised words! But I tortured my parents with it for the entire duration of the 80’s so if I hear it out of my kids I’ll just have to be patient like my parents had to be!

Michelle

Michelle G, have you read Keeping your Children’s hearts?  It sounds like the Maxwells uncovered the psychological truths from the book you recommend via scripture and trial and error and now have shared their discovery, years of experience, and how to implement it in a Christian homeschool environment.  It might be a fun read for you after the HOTYK book.

I know for me my greatest downfall is multitasking.  I’m just doing lots of things at once instead of focusing all of my energy and thoughts on childrearing.  The Bible tells us not to be “doubleminded”, I don’t think that James was thinking of “multitasking” when he wrote that verse, but the Holy Spirit has definitely challenged me with it – especially when I start self-promoting my multi-tasking skills (often to the detriment of my husband or children).  James 4:8, James 1:7-8

Another super helpful book for me has been Raising Godly Tomatoes – it’s available for free in its entirety on the website of the same name.  It also encourages focusing on your child and your task at hand. 

Blessings,

Rebekah