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Help for Son choosing poor influences
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We are new to CM ; we implemented a few methods during this previous school year and are planning to do it more comprehensively this year. Our almost 10 year old son seems to be making a wrong turn right now. The boys around us (neighborhood) are ps and are a bad influence. They are ok, we try to reach out to them and they come to some church activities with us. But, they have proven to be a bad influence on our son.
He is very impressionable and only this past year seemed to want to “fit in”; and is trying to fit in with them (one, nicer one , especially). They are all three on medication for “ADD or ADHD” and are not from disciplined homes. So he is picking up habits, etc. which we do not train our children in. He uses poor language, not down right curse words, but still poor, and thinks we are now abnormal for saying he should not speak that way. He seems to have a low self-esteem and has always relied on mom and dad and his older sister to help him with practical things. He does not feel he is good at anything. He is actually good at bible memory, learned to read and spell with little real instruction, but has poor practical skills. He seems to have some sensory processing disorder. He has no real interest in sports and does not do well in competitive activities. There are few boys his age at church from better influences (a couple) one does not seem to realy like our son (due to his mimicing less than appealing behavior). In the small homeschool group we are part of there are some boys interested in friendship but he seems to disdain some of it. He is focused on fitting in with these other kids, one especially, cause the others have been a bit mean at times.
He also got interested in the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series and we feel he has picked up the sarcasm and lack of appropriate social input from that series. Of course he gets mad if talk about it. He seems to be beginnig to think our Christian values are abnormal and that type of stuff is more normal.. We are careful bout TV/ computers etc. But when we go to the library he says there is nothing to read. ( He has always had only one are of interest at a time.) ( I think he may have slight autism tendancies)
Anyway we are praying and feel God will work it out but we feel we need to replace some things in his life. Books, activities, friends etc. I don’t thoroughly know the cm methods. I am thinking of getting him to start a motto book this summer from living books I will ask him to read. I also want to get him involved in a soup kitchen, and a 4H animal habitat gtroup next year. Do any of you have any othe ideas on cm methods that will help?
Thanks!
I’m not sure that any CM “method” can cure the root of this problem – which ultimately is who is influencing your son and who “has” his heart. CM methods are WONDERFUL, but even the most diligent of habit training can easily be undone with enough slip-ups and without the “heart training”. We are in the midst of reassessing outside influences on our family and are encouraged by this process!
I highly recommend the book “Keeping our Children’s hearts” which might encourage you to rethink what influences you allow into your sons life. Some of your ideas for 4H and the soup kitchen are wonderful ideas, but without his heart, he’ll just be along for the ride. Here’s the website to learn more about the book.
http://www.titus2.com/ecommerce/products/prod_listing.php/1140
It sounds like he already has a good foundation of trust built with relying on you and his father and sister, these foundations are constantly attacked EVEN in Christian circles, by making us feel guilty for not easily giving up our children into the care/influence of others. Homeschooling is a wonderful way to keep your children close, but don’t fool yourself into thinking that by simply keeping him out of the public school you are doing enough to protect him from worldly cravings. I’m at home all day with my children and I still struggle with worldly cravings, how much more will our children struggle if we do not constantly feed them good “food” creating in them appetites for things that are nourishing to the soul as well as the body.
Blessings,
Rebekah
I see what you are saying. We meant that we know we need to replace the influences with better influences. He is sometimes so rigid, we felt if we just said we were taking the books away and he was unable to be with the one friend at all, he would be angrier and have a hardened heart. So we were looking for ideas to “replace” his current influences, ie…books; other activities or methods that would give him other things to think about.
I did look up the book “reaching your child’s heart”, looks good, but there is always so much you can read; and spend money on!!! Can anyone tell me a few practical ideas for “reaching his heart” that we can implement. We try to respect who God has made him to be and show interest in what he is interested in – even if it is not the best thing —so we can have influence in how he thinks about those things.
Also, we are torn about the friend that comes to church with us, We don’t want to keep him from church, though it would be easier to keep our ds on the right track without the immature influence. It seems God brought a few kids to us who now come to church and learn about him, who otherwise might not. We don’t know if it is a mistake to bring them, hardly sounds christian to say that. I know some parents would have not done it because of the influence it might have had on their kids, but we don’t want to deny something God wants to happen. Maybe it is a learning experience for all of us, our son included. But he is young and right now does not see the immaturity as bad. Our 12 year old daughter recognizes the immaturity in other kids and does not fall prey to it. Since he does, I have wrestled with whether it is right to bring them along, since ds is so influenced. My husband is concerned about turning away children from the Lord/not doing something God has for us to do. He want s us to find alternatives, so there would be more good influences than bad. And my husband spends a lot of time with ds which seems to mean a lot to him.
Some initial thoughts and also to get this bumped back to the top!
I wouldn’t ditch the kid willing to go to church with you, but I WOULD insist that if he and your son are playing together, you or your husband HAVE to be there. I know that sounds insane to most “normal” people, but it’s the only way I can see that you can immediately put a stop to any negative influence (kinda like what CM says about not letting a child see a word they spell wrong, you have to be there and immediately cover it so it doesn’t get embedded into their brain.) And if you’re going to continue to bring him to church with you, I think that’s great, but I wouldn’t let the two of them out of your sight, not even for age segregated Sunday School/youth group. I was very involved with the youth group as a female mentor/helper before I had kids and even in the best programs the main influence your child is going to get is going to be influence from his peers in the group not the Pastor/teacher/leaders. I LOVE youth groups. I think they are GREAT for kids from unchurched homes, but when you’re losing your kiddo he needs to be with you.
About that reading problem – I LOVE to hear that your husband enjoys spending time with your son, I am ENCOURAGED to hear that you guys try to accomodate his interests. Do you have a kindle? I was just reading a book on there today that I think any 10 year old boy would be interested in, especially if DAD read it aloud to him to get him started… It’s called Stories of the Gorilla Country and it’s quite engaging! You can also order a print copy of it from Yesterday’s Classics.
Essentially to sum up “Keeping Our Children’s Hearts” the goal is to spend as much time with your children as possible and ENJOY it! When you do, you will have a child with a heart turned toward you instead of toward the world and they will be willing to do what you ask (avoid negative influences, shun crummy books) simply because they love you and they TRULY believe that you have their best interest at heart – with the ultimate goal being to turn their heart to Christ.
I realize that this may sound drastic, and perhaps it won’t work, but at least you’ll be able to say that you did “everything”. And besides will you really look back at your life and say, “Well, one thing’s for sure, I really regret all that time I spent with my son.”
Ok – off to find MY children!
Blessings,
Rebekah
To piggypack what Rebekah said, there is a free e-book on this website called Masterly Inactive. It talks about watching your kids and guiding them in a gentle way. It is geared toward younger children, but I am sure you could apply the ideas to your older son.
HTH, Ruth
Thanks Rebekah and Ruth!! I feel comforted by these last posts. We actually agree that the tactics you mentioned are NOT drastic. WE are the sunday school teacher and AWANA leaders for the groups our ds and his friend are in. And we are all (our whole family including 6 and 4 year olds) going on the trip the youth (our daughter ) is going on to Summer Camp. One reason we chose our small church is so that we could be so involved with our kids. (Most of the people at church don’t agree with it, but they get over it.) The friend came over yesterday, and my husband told them they had to stay in our yard (not go to his house) since we would be eating soon. We don’t feel he can safely go to the friend’s house. Which may cause a rift at some point, but it will have to be. His mom is nice and all and she is a scout leader, but that means nothing spiritually. His older sister is into gothic stuff. So we can’t risk what he might be exposed to.
We do have a kindle so I will be looking up the book! Thanks , I am comforted that we might be on the right path.
My husband noticed that when it was mentioned that we planned to camp out in the yard Fri, night our ds looked at his friend as if to judge what he thought of it. Friend said ” you are lucky”. So it seems he is peer dependent right now, but maybe with time and more time with us, and prayer, that will change.
I also feel my 11 year old son is being affected by negative influences. Although very subtle right now, we need to make adjustments quickly before these influences take hold. I love the suggestions that have been offered on this post.
Through seeking advice from other moms that are further down the path than I am, I have found that reading hero stories to my son, feeding his soul, is helpful…reading inspirational stories of great boys and men that speak to his God-given masculine desires to do great things and experience adventure. These stories help him visualize what that could look like in his life. Although undeveloped and immature right now, it gives him a glimpse of life as a godly man. Lamplighter Theatre dramatic audios are also helpful for building biblical character in a fun way, speaking to his heart.
The negative influences seem to be coming from peers at church. So, some ideas that we plan on implementing (with God’s grace, help, and blessing) this summer are: 1. Starting a father/son Bible class (praying that other families would also be interested…radical concept for those used to age segregated classes). Sometimes just the presence of a father is all that is needed to calm an immature son, not to mention the bonding that can take place. 2. Inviting families with sons that demonstrate maturity and godly character to our house for an afternoon or evening cookout and outdoor games, probably 1 family once a month. 3. Starting a small boys group that meets once a week for science, history, or some other project with the goal of developing good friendships. 4. Finding father/son/or family camps, conferences, or activities where Christ-like relationships between fathers, sons, families, and godly friends are modeled and inspired.
We are just beginning this stage of my son’s life, so I can’t offer advice that has worked, only thoughts and ideas from my time in God’s Word. I welcome any other suggestions to help through this challenging, but rewarding time in my son’s life.
A short word, if I may. I have raised 8 boys, and 6 of them are past 10; one is 10, and the last is 9. I understand 10yo boys! They need far more time with DAD than they do friends. That is the age where our sons began spending a day a week at work with Dad. And they are Dad’s right-hand men on the weekend. Yes, this is a sacrifice at times, but it is what they need! (And yes, my husband had to change careers to take his sons to work.)
The other thought is that you (both parents, I mean) are in charge. If you have made a mistake, APOLOGIZE to your son, tell him you have made a mistake by allowing others to have an influence on him that he was not ready for, and FIX IT! Change his schedule – TODAY – so that he is not available when the ps kids are outside! Give the children their outside time in the morning, or right after lunch, or whenever works for you.
We have attended a church without age-segregation and believe it to be far healthier for the children. Now that we are not able to be in a church like that, our children do not attend those activities; they participate in worship, and they attend many activities and studies that are largely attended by adults. We have noticed some other families including their children of late, and feel we are a good influence in doing so! (This is not to say there is not a place for ministry to unchurched children, but those raising children have to make their children a priority. There will be other seasons in life for other ministries!!)
Treasure House, would you mind sharing the titles of some of those “hero stories?” We have an almost-ten-year-old boy here too and I have noticed that, just recently, he seems to care a LOT more what peers think. Thank you!
NoeMom – only 8 boys? I think she was looking for advice from some experienced moms. LOL!!! Wow! That’s amazing! Thanks for your encouragement and insight – it is well appreciated and I’m so glad to learn about mothers like you, because I hope that someday one of my four girls will have a woman like you as a mother in law! 🙂
Also – the Gorilla Country book I recommended – I should say that it is graphic in terms of hunting and animals – my girls haven’t had any problems with it, but it does talk about shooting and skinning animals and animals eating other animals. But it’s SUPER exciting!
NoeMom, thank you for the wise encouragement.
Valerina, both my 11 year old and 8 year old enjoy these stories. Dad reads some at night, I read some during the day, and our oldest reads some by himself. Some of our favorites: Hero Tales, 4 volumnes – Dave & Neta Jackson; YWAM Publishing Christian Heroes: Then & Now, Eric Liddell, George Muller, Nate Saint, and many others; The Adventure of Missionary Heroism – John Lambert; Ten Boys Who Made….series – Irene Howat; Christian Focus Adventure Series, Rocky Mountain Adventures, Outback Adventures…; The Rani Adventures, 3 books – Ron Snell; d’Aulaire Biographies – Ben Franklin, Abraham Lincoln…; G.A. Henty historical fiction; Your Story Hour CD’s have wonderful biographies and adventures; Jonathan Park Radio Drama CD’s; and I love Lamplighter books….there are so many nuggets of truth to discuss with the boys. Also audio books of classic adventure stories are great…Kipling, Henty, Robinson Crusoe, Treasure Island… Even if the language is above their reading level, my boys seem to soak it in.
I try to make time for as many as I can because these books are an excellent platform for further conversations. It gets my boys talking and I learn what’s on their hearts.
Yes WOW!!!!! Thanks to all of you!! I was surprised to see so many replies when I logged on this morning. It seems like this age in boys’ lives is important with regards to peer influence. I had been telling my husband for a while that I felt ds just needed to spend A LOT of time with Dad, we don’t know exactly what that will look like. But we can do it. Of course all the kids clamour for it, so it will difficult. DH has a vision for being there for his family, I pray he will catch the vision God has for him of the best way to spend time with each one. I agree with reading good material. We have talked about having read aloud time after dinner. I have not gotten the family to bye into the vision of that, but I’m going to keep pushing for it. (and praying it in)
I also realize from your posts that even though the kids feel they need friends and tme with them, it may not be as important as they feel it is. Yes we want them to have Christian friends, but my kids have made a bigger deal out of it than I feel it should realy be. My husband has said that dd needs to feel she fits in somewhere. She doesn’t feel she fits in in most homeschool group activities. She has finally connected with one girl her age and we are trying to work something out for visiting. Most of the kids don’t realy know how to reach out to kids they don’t already know from somewhere else.
There are no homeschoolers at our church so she has no real like minded friends there. We are praying about whether to look for a church with more homeschoolers, but then it would be a big church and harder for us to be a part of their classes and youth group.
In the neighborhood, dd is like mother goose, all the younger girls flock to our house to play with her. (6,7,9 year olds) (ps girls her age, 7th grade, are worldly and spend their time on pursuits she isn’t in to). While, it is positive that she learns to nurture children, she expects to spend way too much time on it. Our neighbor and I have discussed the trouble we have reeling the kids in during this spring break, and may have in the summer. I decided that I am just going to say my kids have schoool and chores in the morning,(or until we have everything is done), after lunch, if we don’t have to go anywhere, they have free time, but must come in around 5:00 to help tidy up get ready for dinner, etc. They may not be able to go back out and play with others after that. (This may sound like a shocking amount of time that they DO have.) This is what they’ve come to expect. Frankly, all the moms are a little frustrated with it, so I’m just going to pull some of it away.
My challenge, and it is overwhelming to me right now; is to order my children’s days approptiately. So they have the right input. I’m gong to have to organize books and reading time; some hobbies, family work time, etc. (Having 4 ages and 1 girl and 3 boys makes it challenging, but them some of you have more then that.)
Thanks so much for all of your input!!!!!!!!!!You have helped me see the big picture. Sometimes you can;t see the forrest for the trees.
These are great posts to read. Negative peer influence is one of the reasons I am planning to pull my 10 year-old son out of public school and begin the homeschool adventure in the fall. I know it will be a huge adjustment for him and that we will have to be very intentional at providing supervised social opportunities in the coming years. We also need to be much more intentional about plenty of father-son time. Will discuss ways to handle that tonight!
I just wanted to chime in here a bit too. I have a son who will be 10 tomorrow (where does the time go???) We live in a rural area with no neighborhood kids around. My son pretty much plays with his younger brother and we do a lot together as a family and some stuff with other homeschool families. We’ve been homeschooling for about 3 years now. However, we spent this last winter in a busy city where my hubby works (long story – won’t bore you with it here) where there were tons of neighborhood kids all over the place all the time. It was a nice neighborhood in a good suburb but we just weren’t ready for all of the sudden influences out there as we’d been so insulated here in the boonies. So, the FIRST time I let my son go across the street to play with a group of kids (I had met the mom of this house on a previous walk) for just a few minutes alone while I got the baby situated in the stroller and packed a drink, he was ushered into a game of truth or dare where a boy dared to kiss one of the girls. All of our sheltering and watching closely and being so attentive to our kids and BAM! I couldn’t believe it. These kids were all 10 and under and it was literally just a few minutes with my front door open and this group of kids caddy-corner across the street in their front yard!
Blessedly, my son told me what happened later and double blessedly he chose to eat dirt instead of kiss the girl (I think hubby was more mad at another boy making my son eat dirt!) He had NO idea what Truth or Dare was, about the inappropriateness of the situation, etc. Pretty much he was out of his league. The girl that would have been the recipient of his kiss developed a crush on my son and came to our door daily, sometimes more than once a day asking if he could play. I finally had to become really, really stern with her and I never let him play with that group again. (Totally blew my Christian witness!) It was very hard though because the house faces the street, his bedroom window faces the street, the kids are ALWAYS out, etc.
What came of it was 1) my husband realizing that he needs to spend even more time with him 2) we cannot rely on sheltering alone (just keeping them away from bad influences). We must do this AND talk to him and equip him and prepare him. How to do this is another story because we thought we were doing that already! And 3) That our son’s heart is a second away from slipping out of our hands. It was amazing what we saw in the 3 months we were there. Our son began to call this particular group of friends his “best friends” even though we had joined a local AWANA and a local homeschooling group and had been active with each practically since day one. He would longingly look out the window wanting to join them even though they really seemed bored and and a couple of the other boys were not very nice to my son. The mom of the main house where the kids congregated was never seen outside with her kiddos, it was sad and my son commented on this from time to time but they were still his “best friends” and it seemed like he was pining away to be with them a lot.
So, I know how momlorr feels, and I have to say much of the time I go around with an impending sense of doom for my children. It seems like the world has just gone completely mad and I feel like I’m completely inadequate in the task of keeping their hearts and raising them right. I was extremely rebellious as a teen and out of the house at 17. I wasn’t saved until I was 35 – and only two years after that we became homeschoolers too! I think I’m just too aware of what’s out there and how easy it is to become trapped in a life of sin. But I also feel like the more strict and scared I become the more I’m going to look like a freak and push my children and husband away from me. My hubby and I aren’t always on the same page about things – especially media influences, church attendence, etc. but he’s a very strong and devoted man. I need to lean on the Lord more, these children are HIS afterall and I know that fear is a sin.
This went on longer that I’d intended, I so much appreciate being able to share with you ladies. I wanted to mention a book I’m reading – secular but really, really good and recommended by many Christians. It’s called “Hold On to Your Kids” by Gordon Neufeld – my library had it. So far it’s right on the money describing how and why kids get so attached to there peers in our modern society.
Love and blessings to you all,
Michelle
MichelleG, we are also learning that our sheltering doesn’t really “shelter ” them from their own nature and desires and the influnces of the world. Hopefully, we will shelter them enough that we will have the time to fortify them in preperation for such times; and that we will have a good relationship with them so they will talk to us about their experiences. (like your son did) I also know God works through prayer too. So BE HOPEFUL!!!!God doesn’t want our children to make the same mistakes we did, and he places the desires in our hearts to guide our children a different way. He will help us.
But I know what you mean, our son is calling these kids his” friends” and saying things like,” I think Mom wants me to be friends with _____________ “(from the homeschool group) – meaning he has no interest. Like I said earlier, he seems to think these guys are the normal ones. I was even noticing that he and the one guy don’t realy have much of a friendship in my book. They just brag about this or that , say “dude” a lot… What is that? … Lately he has been playing more with my dd and the younger girsl (some his age) they actually do stuff like write stories and film scenes with his flip video camera. This is more “play”. The “friends” don’t always like to do this kind of stuff. Over spring break I think the “friends” were sleeping and playing video games, etc. we didn’t see much of them.
What does the book say about why kids seems to be drawn to other kids like that???
Since your son told you about the truth or dare game and what he did, that is a good sign that he will be open with you. That is when you and dad have the chance to influence the way he thinks about what he is being exposed to.
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