Habits

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  • July 30, 2008 at 12:18 am
    nancyg
    Participant

    Fellow CMers,

    I must begin with the same theme I’ve seen so often here – thank-you! Thank-you for sharing humbly, gently, and wisely your love for God, people and learning! This forum has been a great source of fun and encouragement!

    Sometimes I am such a slow learner as a believer in Jesus and as a parent. Maybe due in part to my own upbringing, temperment, and teaching, it’s been hard for me to believe/understand that we don’t earn God’s favor. He’s been lovingly working on that, but it brings me to a parenting question. When we try to instill habits, (standards, behaviours), how do we keep the relationship foremost, positive, and loving? I have some beginning thoughts, but would appreciate so much to hear how this actually looks and sounds and gets worked out in your homes.

    Thank-you in advance for any input!

    (By the way, if it matters at all, we’re “older” parents of just one 6-year-old.)

    Nancy G.

    July 30, 2008 at 9:30 am
    CindyS
    Participant

    Here is a smorgasbord of thoughts on the subject: It is helpful to remember that regardless of the child’s action, my reaction must be a godly one. I cannot do that without regularly sitting at the feet of Jesus.

    Talking, praying, and planning a strategy with my husband and then simply walking it through helps me to do that serenely and adds accountability. Then I have a plan to train, train, train…apply consequences/rewards and so forth. Then, not waiting until I’m at the end of my rope and also remembering that we work on a very few habits at a time helps to keep us unified.

    Simplifying in the home so that I am not tempted to get caught up in the cares of this life and trying to train in the midst of chaos is crucial for me. Chaos breeds contention around here. I can easily get into a roll of being the drill sergeant and forgetting that, yes, we must work, but we also need to play together. Also, I try not to expect what I do not inspect.

    And praising the child, as you know, is so important. All of these things help with the relationships between parent and child. Do I do it perfectly? Obviously not, and this question, Nancy, was a good reminder to examine just how things are going around here, so thanks! 🙂

    Blessings,

    Cindy

    July 30, 2008 at 2:13 pm
    Bookworm
    Participant

    Actually, I find the perspective of working on habits to be very much a method of raising children that places a real priority on the relationship between parent and child. For some really good thoughts, have you yet listened to Sonya’s Reaching Your Child’s Heart?

    I find habit training to force me to be very aware of what is going on, what my child is thinking and feeling. In the early years, it is important to focus on things like noticing when there is an imminent meltdown and averting it, etc. As they grow older, I love Charlotte’s ideas on how to join forces WITH your child–it’s you and your child, cooperating together, to defeat the enemy, the bad habit, and to put in place good habits. Instead of me, scolding him, I’m on his side and helping HIM to do what he needs to do. I believe in him and tell him by my actions, my expression, my tone of voice that I believe he can obey, can choose well, can do what he needs to do.

    And at all ages, and especially now with teenagers, it is SO critical to emphasize to our children that we are not acting arbitrarily, but we are under authority, too. Often what seems to my teen son as unfairness, after we talk, he understands our position that we cannot just let him do what he wants, because we answer to God, not because we are meanies who are out to spoil all the fun. 🙂

    And I agree with Cindy–so often it is SO easy to get on the “critical bandwagon” and only notice when things go WRONG. But oh, the joy and the effects of my consistently recognizing what goes RIGHT and mentioning that! I once heard someone say you should say at least five positive things for each negative thing you say. Not that you have to pay five compliments before you correct a child, just that over the course of the day, that child should be hearing Mommy’s voice praising, recognizing, etc. much more than scolding or correcting. What a difference when I remember to do this (as all too often, I slip).

    July 30, 2008 at 4:53 pm
    csmamma
    Participant

    I just have to say how “rich” this discussion is! Nancy, thank you for posting your question. Cindy and Michelle…well…you’ve done it again – spoke straight to my heart! We’re dealing with some “absent mindedness” around here..especially with an almost (one month away) teenage son. I think this is key with habit training -to really display the attitude of being “for” our children and not against them. And Michelle, what great advice to remind our older ones that we, as parents, have to answer to God and are not just out to spoil their fun. 🙂

    I’m sorry, Nancy ,that I can’t answer your question specifically as to how we work this out in our home. We too are still trying to figure it all out. You are so blessed, however, to begin habit training this early on – with a 6 year old! I wish I would have started sooner. Have you read laying down the rails?

    Thank you all again! It seems to me that this forum is more of a ministry!

    Hugs,

    Heather

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