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Habit of going to sleep (9 yr old)
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I have had insecurities about my oldest child’s bed time for awhile, but since recently moving from a 3 story home to a 1 story home I am convinced she has instilled many bad habits that keep her from going to bed, regardless of the bedtime. Her three younger siblings all fall asleep within 10-20 minutes. It takes her 60-90 minutes to fall asleep, and during that time she gets up to visit the bathroom 3 times, wanders in the living room for extra hugs (which is completely off limits).
She is a task oriented, compliant child until this hour. She then becomes extremely defensive when we discuss this 60-90 minute period of the day and what needs to changes.
Any suggestions for how to teach her to relax and fall asleep, or to readdress her bad habits.
Just FYI, my other three children go to bed at 7 and are up by 6:30. She is supposed to be in bed by 8, but rarely falls asleep before 9:30. She would probably sleep until 7:30 or 8 everyday, but I always make her get up by 7 and many days her siblings wake her up at 6:30.
My oldest has always taken a long time to go to sleep, it is just how she is. I think she needs time to unwind.
The rule is she has to stay in her room, and she does. Even when she shared a room with her brother, she would often be awake an hour to an hour and a half after he was asleep.
Bedtime is 8pm, and she is rarely asleep before 9:30. Our wake up time is 7:30am and though I have to wake her up, she handles it well and seems to get the right amount of sleep.
Is she aloud to read or do other quiet things in her room after lights are out? My oldest is alloud to read so we got her a book light so that she did not keep her brother awake. Usually he fell asleep as she was reading to him, which I thought was pretty cute 🙂
You also mentioned a new house, 3 story to 1 story. Is her room a lot closer to the LR, or living area, so that she hears you a lot more at night. It might be taking her time to adjust to the idea that you are up and doing things, but she is not supposed to be up. Maybe a fan or white noise machine to help drown out the extra sounds could help her relax.
We live in a little house (ranch floor plan) and the kids hear everything after they go to bed (TV, washing dishes, talking…) so when we go to my parents house which is larger and the bedroom arranged differently they have a tough time going to sleep because they can’t hear all the activity. So your daughter might be used to quiet and struggling with sleeping, where as my kids are used to sounds so quiet bedroom is tough to sleep in.
How much outside time does she get during a typical day? I have found that on the days my kids play outside a good bit they always fall alseep much more quickly than on the days they don’t. Also, I definitely need some unwind time before turning off the light and going to sleep. Reading for a little while at bedtime might help? My nine year old daughter will often read for 30 minutes (she goes to bed at 8:30) and then listen to an audio book after she turns off the light. She says the audio book helps her turn her brain off. 🙂
We have also used a white noise machine to help our kids sleep better and they really do work well.
We haver tried numerous things for my dd but just know that she has special needs. She was low on magnesium so a daily supplement helps her unwind at night, bath, pure lavender oil rubbed into feet, heart and under nose at bedtime.
Also, what if you start her unwind time earlier? So while your putting other dc to bed she can lay reading in bed.
How many hours of sleep does a 9 yo need? Because mine gets typically about 10 hours and I do not wake him. While they do need 12 hours when younger and again in the teenage years, I think 10 hours is enough at this age. Should her bedtime be at 9 pm instead of 8 pm? It is one idea to explore. Also we play relaxing music in their room at bedtime.
You do not mention how old your daughter is? You have gotten some good ideas. I can share a bit about our house and the variety found in the children (8 kids age 13-1).
Bedtime for the 13, 9, 8, 6, 5, and 1 yo is 8:30pm. Everyone goes to their own bed with a book light and something to read, plus we turn on an audio book in the hall between bedrooms. (The 1yo is held by daddy or I and he falls asleep and is laid in the crib in our room, where he generally sleeps through the night). The story stays on until 9:30pm usually.
Meanwhile, the 3 and 2 yo are downstairs with the other parent, or if my husband has an early route in the morning the 13yo is down with them. They both still nap for a few hours in the afternoon so they simply are not ready to go to sleep at 8:30pm. Around 9:30pm these two are taken upstairs. One person lays with each child (mom/dad) and reads silently until they go to sleep. The 2yo usually is out within 5-10 minutes, while the 3yo may be awake until 10:30pm.
Of the children who go to bed on their own at 8:30pm, none get out of bed. Period. It’s simply a bad habit we’ve worked diligently to eliminate as each child turns 3 or 4. (The current 3yo is beginning this training process just now at 3.5) Before family prayer everyone uses the bathroom, gets a drink, and then after prayer gets a hug. Any child getting out of bed loses their book light. If they get out of bed again they lose the light for the next night. A third getting out of bed loses the audio book for the whole family for the night. Positive peer pressure (siblings reminding them to ‘get back in bed’) helps here. We have 3 children in 1 bedroom, 4 in another, and the baby in our room.
However, staying in bed does not = sleeping right away for all the kids. The 5yo and 8yo usually go to sleep before the audio book is off at 9:30pm. The 13yo falls asleep shortly after it goes off. The 6yo and 9yo boys may lay quietly in their beds awake until 10pm or so some nights. They also happen to be some of my early risers and always have been.
We have outside time every day, each child is simply different. I have one who will complain that it’s ‘boring’ to lay in bed. That she’s ‘not tired’. I always remind her she doesn’t have to be tired to rest, and that I’m fine if she stays awake all night, so long as she is quiet and in her bed.
🙂
When the audio book goes off we turn on a white noise machine or noisy fan too, always have. We even take a white noise machine with us to the hospital for all of Mason’s surgeries (just finished #13/#14 last week. It is a huge help!
Hmm. What if a child genuinely has to go to the bathroom again? None of my children, or even dh and I, could possibly make it from 8:30 until morning time (which for us is very early) without going to the bathroom. I’d burst. We rarely have anyone getting up for the bathroom multiple times, unless they are not feeling well. We always had a “go to your room by” time, suited for each child, but if a child has to pee, he has to pee. 🙂 I don’t really want to resort to chamber pots. LOL Also, I feel a great deal of sympathy for a child who has trouble falling asleep, as I’ve had this problem for forty years, and although we do usually recommend that the child remain in bed and try to relax, sometimes it’s just too frustrating, and one needs a backrub or a prayer with mom or dad or a blessing or just to get out of bed for a little bit.
A bedtime routine can be a huge help with this, we’ve always had one since they were babies, and maybe this child needs to start a bedtime routine earlier. ALSO, while I try to get all of my children on the same “time zone”, sometimes a kid just genuinely has a different biological clock. The basic family routine should be paramount, and you should try other adaptations first, but if you really just have a night owl, sometimes fighting biology just isn’t worth it. I have had one of these, and we gave him several basic paramaters (can’t wake up the house at midnight playing the piano, lol, and have to have schoolwork done at a good time even if you don’t get up at the same time as the rest of us. This was when he was a teen, and at the time did not share a room. Clearly this is tougher to pull off if you do!) There is some evidence that forcing children to live in opposition to their biological clock can hurt their academic achievement.
I have posted Sally Clarkson’s blog link before, but Bookworm’s advise reminded me of it:
http://www.itakejoy.com/closing-each-day-with-a-blessing-the-intentional-routine-that-opens-hearts/
Bookworm – I loved reading your comments! Ours do wake in the middle of the night (some of them at least) to go to the bathroom. No chamber pots here either (eww!) though my cousin’s wife is from the Phillipines and she DID use a chamber pot in one of their homes because the bedroom was upstairs and bathroom downstairs. To each their own, right?
I think it’s pretty normal for that age to not need such an early bedtime. My ds is 10 and he can easily wake the next morning and function if he went to bed between 9-9:30 the night before. We typically put the kids to bed, pray with them, tuck them in, etc. by 8:30, and tell them they can read until 9:00. If they want to fall asleep sooner, they certainly can.
This might be an obedience issue for you, if you’ve told her that extra bedtime hugs are a no-no or if you feel like she’s finding excuses to get up. But honestly, as Bookworm said, if you’ve gotta pee, you’ve gotta pee. My children take water to bed with them; that keeps anyone from having to get up for a drink. We keep the lights low starting around 7:30, so it signals their bodies and minds to start winding down. We give them plenty of cuddles and hugs before bed so there’s no need to get up again for extras, although I have a hard time denying a child who really wants an extra hug…I mean, how long is that going to last, right? White noise is a LIFESAVER for us too. All of us use white noise, and none of us can sleep without it. Maybe she needs that?
Hormones and growing can affect a sleep schedule too. There are times in life when we legitimately need more sleep than others. Even as an adult I experience this. Some nights I’ll sleep a solid 10 hours, and some nights getting in 6 is all I can do simply because my body either woke me earlier than usual or I had difficulty falling asleep the night before. I am not a fan of alarm clocks, and rarely use one for myself. My kids have never been woken by an alarm clock. I figure if they sleep until 9:30 a.m. (which ds did this morning even though he was lights out at 8:30 last night!) their bodies must have needed it, and we adjust the day accordingly. I have the freedom to do this because I have just the 2 kids, and we aren’t super busy people. So ds got 13 hours of sleep last night, and tonight he might get 10.
Have you explored all other options:
Is she frightened of something? My ds saw a documentary once that freaked him out and had trouble going to sleep because his mind wouldn’t shut those images out for months.
Is she hungry? Maybe a small, protein-rich snack before bed would help settle her down.
Would a hot bath help? Or some essential oils?
Our dd has a hard time falling asleep if she doesn’t have enough weight on her body. So she sleeps with a heavy quilt doubled up on her. Could it be something like that that you’ve never thought of?
Hearing household sounds would keep my children awake. So white noise is great for covering those noises up. Have you tried that?
It could be a million different things, or it could just be your dd’s internal clock. Don’t worry! Her body will adjust so that she gets the sleep she needs!
Thank you for your numerous suggestions, we have tried many of them to varying degrees, but it is time to reboot. Our schedule for the next few weeks is pretty “normal”, so I think I will set up some of our rules, give her suggestions for help (ie white noise, hot bath), and let her listen to her body. It is quite possible she just needs less sleep.
Currently she starts her wind down at 7. She reads her scriptures, writes in her journal, and then reads a book until 8. Sometimes she begs to work on crafts, but I have definitely noticed those stimulate her. I know some books have the same effect. Maybe adding some essential oils, magnesium, or a hot bath to the end of her routine would help her.
She is pretty independent, so we will see which ideas she feels drawn to experiment with.
If it helps any, my 9 yr old daughter doesn’t get into bed until 9:15/9:30 and wakes up by 8:30. I’m a night owl so my husband and I do not get into bed until 11:30/12p and up by 7:30 am. for myself. Our 9 yr old shares a room with her 11 yr old sister. Their 7 yr old sister goes to bed in her own room at the same time and all girls wake up by 8:30. We have a family bedtime routine of reading books around 8 p.m. then watching the Walton’s show on DVD. Afterwards dress for bed and brush teeth, and finally tuck them in with a prayer.
I think 10 hrs is norm for this age. I wonder if she didn’t get into bed til 9 she would fall asleep faster? Hope you find the right solution for your family.
Tara
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