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Habit Disaster
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I have four kids, 10, 8, 7 and 2. They’ve all been homeschooled all along. I started learning about Charlotte Mason when my oldest was a toddler and have been trying to do “habit training” since, but it’s clear that I haven’t succeeded. They’ve proved to be difficult children. They all have many bad habits and few good ones. They’re overly emotional and dysregulated, they fight all the time (physically and otherwise), scream when they’re angry, throw temper tantrums, always have something negative to say, openly refuse when we ask them to do something, make messes, break things (through carelessness), are rude and disrespectful, won’t do chores, run off repeatedly during school time, and on and on. It just gets worse all the time and they’re very unpleasant people – at home. When we go out they’re basically nicely behaved except for speaking out of turn or running around too much. When I try to make things better, it just creates more friction and makes everyone more grumpy. My oldest has done therapy. I’ve been working with a professional “parenting coach.” Nothing has worked. I’m desperate for help and the situation seems hopeless. I’ve been re-reading Laying Down the Rails, which I’ve had for several years, but I can’t see how to work on any of these habits since I can’t possibly watch all three of the oldest kids at all times, each of them is an annoyance and bad influence to the others, and the individual bad habits are all intertwined. I know that two of them have ADHD and the oldest is starting medication soon. I’m sure the situation is beyond the scope of an online forum since professionals can’t seem to help, but if anyone has ever needed to break many bad habits at once and has any advice on how to tackle it, I’d be so grateful.
I completely hear you about the difficulties of trying to faithfully establish good habits while maintaining multiple children! I have 6 children, 8 and under, and it is a sometimes impossible seeming task 🙂
One thing I would encourage you in, from the general tone of your post. You don’t seem to “like” your children very much 🙂 I know sometimes it’s hard to “like” them, even while we love them, but I know from experience that the more we focus on the negatives, their annoying habits, the exasperation etc, the harder it is to enjoy the good things, the sweet times, the little glimpses of the child you love. And our children can feel that.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I would just encourage you during this difficult time to make a conscious effort to seek out things in your children that you do appreciate about them, things that they are doing well, aspects of their personality and character that make you smile, and make sure they know these things and feel your love.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Don’t welcome or excuse the faults and bad habits, but make sure those things do not define your child. They need to know that you are on their side, that you love them dearly, and that the war is not Mama against the hopeless little brats, but Mama and George (random child) against this fault that has crept in.</p>
hang in there, stay faithful, continue to love them fiercely. There will be a time it will get better 🙂
As far as practical advice on how to implement good habits in the midst of distractions and disobedience, that is something we’re still figuring out! oh how I wish I had been more faithful with each one as they grew. It just seemed like I was just in survival mode for so long, and bam another child would come, and overwhelm in general was such a distraction from what I knew I ought to make happen.
We have worked very, very hard on the habit of obedience, so that is one thing in our favor. I’m not sure if your children are at the point where you can tell one of them to sit on the couch or stand in the corner, or if they would just disregard that command, but if that is a possibility then separating/isolating the children while you focus on one of the others can be extremely helpful.
In the early days of forming a new habit, that may be the majority of your day. Set children A, B and C in separate places with a book or other quite activity, where they can neither touch nor see each other (no possibility of annoying their sibling), and then give your full and undivided attention to child D to work on following through on whatever is being worked on.This technique can also help in fostering a better relationship with your children, which is something that I have to consciously do, rather than just mothering them all as a “herd”. Sat aside 15 minutes to spend time with child A, see if they want to open up with you about anything, play their favorite game, tell them a story and snuggle, whatever they want to do. Let them know that for this moment, they are your absolute priority. it works magic. 🙂
One thing we did when my kids were very little and I had one child prone to crazy disobedience is super limit rules. I know it sounds counterintuitive but it worked for us. For a time it was a daily battle of wills. He was a sweet child, but knew how to skirt rules from toddler hood. For example “I wasnt running I was fast skipping, you said no running.” It was exhausting. We made a decision that obedience and respect for mom and dad were the priority. We decided the only reasonable way for us to demand 100% obedience was to be sure we enforced every rule, every time. And followed thru with consequences every time. So for our sanity we had like two rules we enforced without fail. We accepted nothing less. But again, like two rules, so it was doable. It meant my kids ran wild, climbed fur iture, threw balls in the house. But they understood it was only ok at home. Different rules as grandmas, meighbors, church, etc. They had no trouble understanding this. But when I said (or sometimes had to yell over the chaos) “FREEZE,” they immediately froze and waited for the next instruction. Over time more expectations were added and eventually we had a peaceful home. But for a while freeze was their main rule. We picked freeze because it was clear, not intimidating, not emotional, and does not imply someone is in trouble.
I would also second trying some positive attention. Making sure they know you enjoy them. I was always certain to smile warmly at my children when they entered a room, even if I didnt feel it.
And try not to take poor behavior as a personal assault on you. If we can stay calm and treat it as a chance to learn and grow it helps I think. When we get worked up amd frustrated we lend to tension in the home. When our faces are crumpled and our shoulders are locked up they feel it, and then they get all crumpled too. As mamas we set the tone, try to set a peaceful one.
My husband used to tell me “remember you are in charge here, not them.” Its obvious, but when we let them set the mood they take that control.
Take a deep breath, yell “freeze,” smile at them, and then separate them and calmly, sweetly tell them what will happen starting now, and what the consequences are. Post behaviors and consequences (even if it only says “stop and be quiet when mom says freeze or no _____”) on the fridge if necessary. Then follow through every time. Every time. No need to get upset. “Billy mom said freeze and you are still talking, what was that consequence? Oh, no legos today. I bet tomorrow you will remember.” No need for emotion on moms part. They can have their fit, but it wont change anything. Once they figure out you are in control it will get better.
And try to ignore the people that think you are a bad parent for letting your kids jump on the couch (or whatever), they probably have easy, obedient children and have no idea what you are trying to accomplish. One day when your kids are teens they will obey you and respect you and your relationship will be awesome.
Thank you for your kind encouragement, and I’m glad I’m not alone here! The problem has been that I really like my children too much so I let them get away with anything – I tell them they’ll receive the promised consequence, then when I can see their misery I relent. I’ve been somewhat blind to their worse traits thinking they’re nice enough kids until something recently opened my eyes to seeing our family from an “outside” perspective, and there really are some issues. Plus we’re in the winter doldrums and they’re on their worst behavior.
My kids will not obey anything that I say, large or small, unless they want to or I yell and threaten them. My voice just goes in one ear and out the other. Even “get off of your brother” or “put that down” or “get in the car now” is not generally acted on.
I like your idea for individual time. I’ll try to work on fitting that in, especially with one child who I have a harder time connecting with. Thank you!
The “freeze” rule is good food for thought. I’ll think about if we can step things back to something like that. Were your kids in that phase when they were old enough for school? Part of our difficulty is in homeschooling. There are more things I need them to do every day than just freeze, or clear their plate, or get to bed on time or things that parents otherwise fight with their kids about.
Its been a long time so I am trying to remember ages. My oldest was always an outside the box kid so he was probably 3ish when we realized normal house rules wouldn’t work for us. He is 20 now. I know we were using the freeze rule with all three, and I specifically remember having to scream very loudly so they would hear “freeze.” So that would have made my oldest school age, when my youngest was running and yelling he had to have been two or three. So 2,5,8 probably. If you are able where you live, it might be prudent to set aside academics for character building. We live in state where any “school” counts as a school day. So we could read aloud 15 minutes and call it school. In fact I remember doing Five in a Row in 2nd grade specifically for a reset. I know we are all concerned about our kids “getting behind,” but really character is far more important. At your kids age you can afford a short break to work on creating peace in your home. Assuming your state allows it. I would encourage you to make a peaceful home the priority. Everything else is so much easier when the children are pleasant to school and live with.
It sounds like you might really need to focus on your own peace and how you respond. I was a yeller, a screamer, sometimes a door slammer. My kids knew that the only consequence of acting up would be a mommy tantrum. Its one reason we scaled back the rules, so I could learn to follow through. We also made the rules the “bad guy.” Mommy wasn’t punishing them, they chose to accept consequences over obedience. Put it on them- they made a choice, now they live with it. There were many sad, sad days when we had to leave the park, or skip it altogether because they made that choice. It hurt me too, I liked mommy time. So I told them I was sad we all had to miss out, but they made the choice.
It is not an easy thing. But well worth the effort. And it will be easier now, before hormonal chaos sets in!
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