Giving Preschooler Feeling of Control

Wholeheartedly agreeing with Christie.  My 2yo (as you could see from previous posts) was so out of control and into everything.  I tightened the reins, and voila – changed child.  Mostly…  LOL  We use Raising Godly Tomatoes, and it has worked amazingly well.  I am also reading Dr. Dobson’s The Strong-Willed Child.  While I don’t agree with everything he says, he does have some good insights/background in most chapters (I skipped the one about hyperactivity since the book was written in 1978 and we know so much more about it now).  Mostly I am using it as the background for children’s development (as a review for me, since I majored in Psychology back in college).  To be completely honest, I am less inclined to believe in “strong-willed” children and more apt to believe they are “strong-willed” because of a lack of enough &/or proper discipline.  And that’s just going by my experience with my son recently and my 3 older girls.

I also agree to use charts & stickers or chore jars or what have you if it helps.  We use chore jars, plus I have lists in their bedroom and bathroom for things they need to do before breakfast, bed, and before leaving the bathroom.  It has helped a lot.  But the main thing is they need that control and sense of “who’s the boss” more than anything.  As Dobson put it, and I agree with him, you have to earn your childrens’ respect – they don’t just blindly follow.

Hope this helps!

Sara

Dana,

I’ll be praying for you.  You’ve gotten some wonderful, wise counsel and I agree with it wholeheartedly.  God’s Word has much to say about the consequences of letting our children go their own way, and it’s frightening.  It may seem like it’s more frightening to deal with this now, but it must be done.  You’re not being mean.  God says we actually hate our children if we will not discipline them. 

My oldest son, now 21, was an easy child.  One of those that you pat yourself on the back and say, “I’m a good  mommy.”  Then I had Marcus.    My goals from day one with him have been self control and honoring others.  We’ve even practiced how he will behave in certain situations.  Some have been huge successes, others huge failures.  But under no circumstances was he allowed to throw a tantrum.  (Screaming at the top of his lungs was his favorite.  He lost the privilage of using his voice if he tried that one.)  He’s 8 now and people comment on what a mature young fellow he’s become.  (NOT because of anything I’ve done.  Beg the grace of God!!)  But God ordains the means as well as the ends and He commands us (not suggests) to train our children, disciple our children and love our children. 

Dana,

If I could add one more element to what Christie said: that’s the eternal one and forgive the length. What I mean is, is that if he doesn’t learn how to obey his earthly parent now, controlling his natural, sinful self (i.e. dying to self) without resentment and anger, thereby training his heart in obedience; then how is he going to learn to obey a Heavenly Father when he gets disciplined in life or corrected by Him whom he can’t see?

Prov. 3:11-12

My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline,    and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves,    as a father the son he delights in

I just had this conversation with my 10 yr. old dd. She doesn’t have her ears pierced; I’m not against piercing, per se, just for her developing her habits and character first before adding in the “extras”. Now, keep in mind this prohibition falls under the category of a parent’s prerogative (of which we have), not a command of G-d. Well, an aunt gave her earrings for their Christmas present to her; I’ll just chalk it up to not paying attention to detail and not inquiring either (my son got a watch and he already has one that he wears daily-another example of not paying attention). Anyway, my dd knows she can’t have her ears pierced till her Bat Mitzvah if she has grown in the L-rd. Well, she decided to try to pierce her own ears sometime between late last night and this morning at breakfast; I saw the little read spot on her ear. I want her to be trusted to obey in the small things so that she can be trusted later in the big things, just as our Father wants for us regarding His Kingdom (Matthew and Luke).

So we had a conversation and some particular areas we spoke about were:

1) we’re given authority and duty from G-d to raise her up according to the Ways of the L-rd and train in Righteousness (Deut. 6 and numerous passages in Prov. and the NT). We’re not to be tyrants- again we’re accountable to G-d ourselves in not sinning AGAINST our children, too.

  2) she is commanded to obey us by G-d–so by disobeying us ,she’s disobeying Him and would it be right for us to tolerate her disobedience to G-d by tolerating her disobedience to us? We have a sacred obligation

  3) she must trust us. Whether she agrees or understands is completely irrelevant. Just like with our personal relationship w/G-d. When things aren’t going the way we want (which is most of the time IMO), then we must have a restraint on our natural selves-dying to self-we must trust our Heavenly Father that He has our best interest at heart -“all things work together for good to those who love G-d and are called according to His Purpose”- and that as our Potter/Creator/Redeemer, He actually has the right (by covenant extention, you do as the parent) to expect and demand certain types of behavior from us, which are for our benefit, too. G-d is shaping us in His Image, which happens in the fire, more than a life of ease; that’s discipline. The longer we are resistant to that discipline the harder is ends up being and we don’t get to the blessed part or at least don’t see the blessings along the way because because, due to our training, we’re too used to blaming G-d and/or blaming others. he sooner that resistance is trained out, the better for the purposes of G-d in that child’s life.

So, thinking this concept out, these are questions I ask myself regularly:  

what if we don’t teach our children how to obey authority?

What does that mean for their future as a citizen of America (or whatever country they reside)? What does Scripture say about that?

What if they want to do something that is against the law? Won’t their natural selves override their sense of respect for the authority over him, since that’s what they’ve learned and been trained in how to respond? What about their workplace behavior?

How will that affect their attitudes to their wives/husband’s when in a relationship, they require everything to be their way? If I allow my son to disrespect me, how is he going to treat other females? How about their friendships?

Are we developing pride or humility? Selfishness or self-lessness? A law-less nature (i.e. against the Laws of G-d) or self-regulation? Self-focused or other-focused? What does that self-focused person act like?

Do we want to cultivate whiners and excuse-makers, those that live according to their feelings; who can’t function and lament because things don’t go their way and-my favorite- grumble because things AREN’T FAIR? Or do want to cultivate perseverance thorugh troubles and a person who can take what happens to them (because life isn’t fair) and learn from it, take responsibilty for their contribution, if any, and either way, deal with, pick themselves up by their bootstraps, trust in the L-rd that He will work it out for their good and move on.

If they are in a church situation, will they be teachable and willing to be corrected by the spiritual authorities in their lives? How will that affect their walk with the L-rd?

If someone else wins something and they don’t, gets a toy, gets to listen to music or watch a show and they don’t, or gets the raise and they don’t, have we created children (and ultimately adults) with a sense of entitlement, envy and covetousness; which is an extention of selfishness and pride?

So I could go on and on. When we look around this world what type of children (inc. adult children) are we seeing?

So I encourage you (hopefully not in an offensive manner) to consider the long-reaching effects of what you’re experiencing with your son. I actually think you already do, but for whatever reason, whether your own personal history, that you’ve mentioned before or the liberal, permissive, modern child-psychology out there, remember to not  listen to the fears inside of you, only fear the L-rd and not listen to the world’s empty philosophies, as G-d is our guide.

The world’s philosophy produces a worldly citizen that requires much more external controls, because there are none to control themselves, making them a slave to their whims and a slave to the government that has to control them for the benefit of society; whereas the other produces a citizen of Heaven, who is controlled by the Holy Spirit and G-d’s Laws, making them free!

Look at this as a wonderful opportunity you have in raising up a G-dly son! Yes, it means you get re-trained, too.

Some practical resources for help (evetually you will have your own style and confidence), in addition to the two Christie mentioned:

John Rosemond’s books, esp. The Six-Point Plan for Rasing Happy Healthy Children, The New Parent Power, A Family of Value, there are some specific talks by him that may be helpful here; the two Tripp books (Instructing… and Training a Child’s Heart) and Ginger Plowman’s Don’t Make me COunt to Three!  All of these were available at my library (though you’re in France, so I don’t know how that would work).

G-d Bless you for following your parental “gut”!

Rachel

Hello mama!

I have a 5 year old and almost 4 was very very hard! A book that I have found amazingly helpful is Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years. Based on your posts I think you would be much more comfortable with this approach than RGT. It is based on setting clear limits on important things and giving your child the power of choice in things that will not negatively affect anyone. So you get to decide that he can’t go down the slide backwards or be impolite at the table, but he gets to choose whether he wears his blue or red shirt (just as two random examples). The goal is to help your child learn how to make good decisions on his own so that once he is on his own he will have gained the wisdom to think for himself and make good choices. Punishments are replaced with natural consequences such as being rude at dinner means dinner is over, but the consequence is delivered with empathy so that the child feels the parent is on their team instead of defensive and resentful of the parent. With this approach the child is more open, and able, to make the connection between the poor choice and the disappointing outcome and gain wisdom on how to make better choices instead of just being angry and resenting his parents. I don’t know if I explained it well but please check it out!! It sounds like exactly what you are looking for!

Rachel