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Frustratingly, disrespectfully disobedient
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We are having a very difficult time with our 4 1/2 year old son. Lately, he has been saying (with attitude): “I don’t want to!” when asked to do something (use the potty, sit on the stairs as punishment, etc.). He will interrupt us when we’re trying to discipline him, laugh in our face, come off the stairs and run all over the house. It was never our plan to spank him, but we have turned to that in recent weeks. The last time I spanked him, he turned right around and disobeyed me again. We have tried the calm approach, gentle approach, and the stern in-your-face approach. He has gotten rough with me (head-butting, hitting). My husband and I are completely discouraged. We have just moved and the days leading up to our move were chaotic and I’d love to blame it on that. But we have had spells of this off and on for a couple of years, so I know it’s not just that. I have so many great activities I’d like to do with him (we also have a 2 year old) but can’t get his temper/impulsiveness under control.
I would GREATLY appreciate any help. Thank you!
First I want to say, I have and am there now. Know that you are a good mom and dad and are doing a wonderful job. I have just started to read a book called Having Kids you want to keep. I have to say it has been a interesting read. It is not a biblical approach or anything like that, he’s a (spelling) phycologist. But his advice has been a twist and inviting for some issues we haven’t been able to tackle in any other way. So I will give you one thing he says to do and has been working for our 3.5 yr old who is stubborn, and sounds just like yours.
Go into his room (or where ever he keeps his toys) and get a mind set of his say 10-20 favorite toys. Then the next time he says XXX or will not listen to you. Say this” I am going to count to (a number from 1-30) and if you do not do XXX then I will be taking XXX from your room (start with the thing that will matter least and that’s the important part). Now count, nice, slow, and kindly. If he does it, great praise , kisses etc. If he doesn’t go right then to his room and take XXX. And say again, “I am going to count to # and if you don’t do XX I will be taking (one thing up from the bottom of the list). Keep doing this untill he complies or his room is empty. ( I have never made it past 2 things and I start my counting at 10 unless it’s something like getting himself dress which I know takes longer than that.) Why this works is because befor the counting he already gets to decide if it is worth it for him for you to take XX . This is just one suggestion. I like it it’s not just counting to 3 and then what ?? That’s alway sbeen my problem. Now I have the what” and when” and they have a little more learning on self control.
I hope this suggestion helps. It is the only one that has worked for my 3.5 yr old that I also can inforce NO matter where I am. Know that you are not alone. Misty PS I know there will be lots of other great advice!
We also have a 4.5 yo son who sounds much like yours. We have been struggling with tantrums with him for over a year now. We have tried every suggestion that has come down the path. A while back I spoke with a lady who is a neurodevlopmentalist who offered some ideas I’d never heard of that did help. She talked to me about environmental factors (food, smells, etc.) that could be agitating him and/or setting him off or on edge. She also gave us some suggestions of drills and massage type things that we could do to work with him to help normalize his sensory system (which she said with some children like this it has not normalized and they tend to have more behavioral problems because of it – i.e. when they just look at you when spanked as if it doesn’t hurt). I would have thought all of this was crazy a year ago, but now that we have seen it work, it has made a difference. If you are interested in her info, PM me and I’ll give it to you.
Another thing we have done with all our boys (as they all struggle with self control issues) is really try to teach them HOW to get their self control in different situations. When they yell out or stomp because they heard an answer they didn’t like (from me or their brother) I will get them to stop, calm down and then walk them through the proper response. It is arduous, but I see slow glimpses that it helps. I just realized as I kept telling them to calm down and get their self control that they didn’t always know how.
I see you have a 2 yo too – we have two 2.5 yos. I have noticed as they got older my older son started showing out more and having more discipline problems. We started really emphasizing that he was older and should be more mature and not react like the babies did. We try to point out to him the things he can/gets to do that the youngers don’t and try to schedule special time with each of us and him. We have seen that help too. It seems as if when they were babies and they just took up more time, it didn’t matter to him, but as they have started talking and doing funny things and taking more affection, he reacted to that. It was as if he didn’t care what type of attention he was getting, good or bad, he just wanted attention.
And lastly (I could go on for days with discipline advice, not from myself but from many friends wiser than me!) one little motto of sorts we have at our house is that “slow obedience is no obedience” As hard as it is for me at times, I try to discipline them when they don’t obey the 1st time – this really helps us all – I am not repeating myself and they know that they don’t have the option to obey whenever they want to. I think it is as much discipline for mom as it is for the kids in my case!
I hope things get better
We had a lot of trouble with one of ours in particular, and we found out her behavior was related to food allergies and sensitivities. I don’t know if a regular allergist would find the “non allergy sensitivities”. It took a while for us to find that, so some of the habits became part of her. It has taken time for her to change, but she has. I know food allergies aren’t everyone’s problem, but they are definitely worth checking into.
Good luck and don’t lose hope.
Our daughter with special needs has what is called Sensory Processing Disorder. It is due to a neurological disorder she has but many children w/o disibilities have sensory issues. If you feel you have done consistent and Biblical discipline I would certainly look into allergies and sensory issues. When she is overly stimulated (mostly auditory for her) she can have terrible temper tantrums that are not due to poor discipline but b/c she cannot control how her brain processes her sensory input. My advice (realizing I do not know you at all!) would be to contact child psychiatrists or pediatric neurology departments (or your pediatrician if you have one you respect) at a larger local hospital to be refered to a child therapist who specializes in sensory processing disorder being careful to find somebody who is relationship based as opposed to behavior based. Our local therapists website is http://www.centerforcd.com You might get a better idea of what I am talking about by looking there or contacting them directly. Since they are probably not local for you, they may be able to refer you to somebody closer to you. I know it is frustrating b/c it is our job as moms to raise well behaved and loving children but know there are times when environmental or physiological things are outside of our control and we are not failling, we are working with a different deck of cards. I hope this made a small amount of sense and I hope you are able to figure out something. I know very much how frustrating it is to do your best and seem to be getting nowhere. Keep with it and best wishes.
We have a 7 year old son who is full of energy. His personality is huge and his attitude can be huge as well. At age 1 1/2y he stop napping and was up from 6am-9pm. He started being very aggresive and destructive. We went through every approach that we could find. Some of them helped a little but we could not take him out in public, in fear that he would have an outburst. We were very discouraged and most of our christian friends did not know how to help. Then the Lord lead my husband to “Transforming the Difficult Child, The Nurtured Heart Approach”. By Howard Glassner. This book has transformed our home and our son. We started by using the book about 60% and we saw some change but once we got fully onboard we saw a huge change. Howard Glassner is not a Christian, however, many of his principles line up with scripture. We love the approach and have seen the effects in a short time. The change starts with focusing on what they do well and forming a good foundation for the child that they do good things, they are loved and love doesn’t change based on actions. After that has been established, the rules come in. Now our son comes to us and says ‘Mom, I showed good self control” and I can praise him for his success. I’ve purchased his tapes, books and DVD’s. It changed how my husband and I talked to him and to each other as well. God made them little fireballs and that intensity is good. I know how hard it is and I truly pray for you and your family. Another great book is Celebrate ADHD by Kirk and Anita Martin. Consistency, being calm and clear are essential. !! 🙂
Thank you SO very much to everyone who took the time to share their stories and advice with me. I/We are in the process of thinking through our options and praying about what direction to go in. All of your ideas and thoughts will be part of that process.
I am so grateful for this group. Thanks again!
My middle child, he’s 5 now, was very hard for me when he was younger. The Strong-Willed Child was a great book to me because it helped me understand why he was difficult. The best advice from that book was to Never Start a Battle you can’t Win. With a child like this You must win every battle. They want to beat you and if you let them they will not respect you. I started picking one battle to fight at a time so I wasn’t totally exhausted. Same thinking with Laying Down the Rails, it is also an awesome resource. Pick one Habit at a time. We also changed his diet, Little Sugar Addicts is a great book about diet. He is very bright on top of being strong-willed and at 15 months he knew how to work all the child proof gadgets we had. He had already figured out how to climb out of his crib, could open door knobs and climb over every gate in our houe. We did spank, I took a Christian course on parenting and used a spoon or belt. Once, at 3, my husband spanked him with a belt and he turned around and said “That didn’t hurt, what else are you going to do?” My husband was floored! Since spanking and time outs did not work we didn’t know where to turn. I came across Creative Correction, written by Lisa Whelchel. This is a great book for the child who doesn’t fit normal molds.
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