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For my friend…needs help w/ her twins!
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This question is actually for my friend. I asked her permission to post this to our forum, and she happily consented.
She has been having the hardest time getting her almost 3yo twins to stay in their beds at night and go to sleep. Most nights they keep her up until 10 or 11, and rarely take a nap during the day. She is at her wits end. Her and her husband have tried everything. They’ve spanked. They took the twins out of their cribs when they began climbing out, so now the girls have even more ability to get out of bed. They have taken everything out of their rooms except for the mattress on the floor w/ a blanket and pillow. They’ve even taken off all their clothes except the diaper because the girls play with their clothes instead of sleeping. They’ve also tried valerian root to help them be more sleepy, and that didn’t work either.
My suggestion to her (and yes, I realize it’s extreme) was to again take everything out of their room except the mattress, blanket, and pillow, and lock the girls in their room from the outside. They would be safe, nothing to hurt themselves or each other. If they’re crying, every 10-15 minutes open the door, put them back in bed, assure them you’re still here, and tell them to go to sleep. But at least they wouldn’t be able to wander around and keep everyone awake.
I really don’t know how to help her, so I was hoping ya’ll could. If you have any suggestions for my friend to keep her twins in bed so they can all get some much needed sleep, please let me know and I’ll pass them along!
Thanks,
Lindsey
P.S. The twins are the youngest of five children. The others are ds8, dd7, and dd5.
Well, the first thing that came to my mind was how a warm bath and an hour minimum of read alouds in their darkened room (using a flashlight or glowing ipad screen) settles my children…another benefit of classic literature. I’m talking literature by Charles Dickens, Jules Verne, Gene Stratton Porter, Frances Hodgson Burrett, George MacDonald, etc….wears the children five and under out. 🙂 My husband and I just keep reading over wiggles and giggles and then one by one they drop off to sleep. I mention the read alouds because maybe the twins need something that settles them independently from one another yet still allowing them to be snuggled together.
BTW, my identical twin and I as teenagers used to talk most nights until five in the morning when our alarm would go off. I fly out overseas to see her this weekend for a few weeks (haven’t seen her in nearly three years) and I am sure we will be up all night like old times. Blessings to your friend with her twins.
I agree – quiet read-alouds while they lay in bed. It’s what I do a lot of nights for my two younger ones (who are 2 and 3). As long as they stay laying down, I continue the story.
They love to hear “The Gingerbread Man”. LOL.
I’m probably in the minority here, but I think it is fine to lay with your children to help them get to sleep. It doesn’t last forever and it’s the best time of day to hear their deep, dark secrets. 😉
I sat with our young children as they settled in each night. Then I gradually moved away. First I sat on the bed, close enough to gently touch them if they were getting wiggly. (With my oldest I actually laid down beside her and held her still because she was just so wiggly, she couldn’t settle herself.)
Once they were able to settle down without too much help, I’d sit on the floor close by, usually with my back to the child. Then I’d sit by the door. Each of these steps took several days, (weeks with my oldest). Then I’d spend several nights making up excuses to leave and then come back. “I’m going to go turn off the living room light, I’ll be right back” “I’m going to the bathroom, I’ll be right back” “I’m going to talk to Daddy for a minute, I’ll be right back” etc. Every few days I’d extend the time I was away, but always came back to check on them.
Eventually I could just sit in the living room (close enough to hear if they got up, but out of sight). Now I can just say good night and leave. All 3 of my kids, including my 2.5 year old, now look at books for a few minutes, and then go to sleep. My oldest DD (6yo) reads for an hour or two. She has always been the one that had the most trouble unwinding at the end of the day. The other two fall asleep easier and faster.
It’s a bit of a long process, but it beats fighting with them for years!
Joanne
I agree with the “tomato staking” approach. Do the warm bath and the read alouds and then stay with them until they fall asleep. After I read to them I would stay in there with a book that I wanted to read and I would stay right between them until they were asleep. Sing to them, pray over them, rub their backs. I know that at the end of a long day, as much as we love our children, we are ready to be done. This won’t last forever and the sweet time of snuggling and fellowship at the end of the day will make more of an impression on them than any form of discipline.
Jean, mom to ten — and my 29 year old twins DO fall asleep on their own
Your post reminded me of a blog entry posted by Sally Clarkson where she describes their family’s bedtime routine and what an impact it made on her children. At the end of the day we’re all worn out, but when I read this it renewed my desire to bless my children every night.
Treasure House – Thank you for that article. It blessed and convicted me at the same time. I am guilty of just wanting them to get in bed and go to sleep, but this has given me a renewed vision, too. Blessings, Christie
Hi ladies. I don’t do a lot of posing here mainly b/c I am still new to SCM and have been gleanning all your wisdom. 🙂 this post compells me to speak up. I have had the same problem in the past with my 3 1//2 twin girls. it seamed that the more I responded to their behavior the worste it got. from stripping the room down and locking the doors. to seperating them till they were asleep. I have taken a different approach as of late. We start bed time routine about an hour earlier now. after they have brushed their teen and are ready for bed I read too them for about 20 minutes. then they are allowed to keep the little lamp on and look through their picture books in bed. sometime they share a bed other times they want space. toys are put in the closet and if gotten out light goes off… one or two times of testing that out was enough for them they leave the toys alone. they will read or talk to themselves for a good half hour or so. if they come out the light goes off. Not all little ones have the same temperment however just wanted to share b/c this is really working for us. they will fall asleep reading or cuddled up together and I’ll clean up the books and turn out the light. a lot less stress and the love of reading is encouraged. And I have learned to really push away my tired from our day feeling and truly enjoy reading to them one on one. Often, they are actually alseep way before our old bed time. HTH!
Lindsey – I felt like I needed to respond since I’m a twin mommy – not because I have the corner market on what to do with them, but just that I feel that tug in my heart because I understand 🙂 Our twins are 4 1/2 now and we still struggle with the same thing at bedtime, in fact, have been for oh at least two years now but I loose count. They share a room with our older son (no other option) and bedtime is not fun for me at all. We have tried everything we can think of and everything anyone else has suggested. It is exhausting. The main thing I would love for you to pass along to her if you feel like it is this: just figure out what works the best for her, stick with it, and ignore all the voices telling you that it may be wrong. I know that may sound terrible, but for us, those couple of hours at the end of the day are very precious to my hubs and I and essential for the betterment of our marriage (and then that of course flows back to the kiddos). While we still change up the way we approach bedtime from time to time because we feel like what we are doing is just not working or they are getting out of control, we try to be consistent in the bedtime routine, so that they don’t get the idea that it is a time to experiment with what they can get away with. There have been seasons where we shut the door and walk away and ignore the loud noises – and for that time it was best. YES, it seems they are getting away with murder, but trust me, there were plenty of opportunities for discipline for the same type of rebellion that day and the next – it was more important that my husband and I took the last two hours of the day to enjoy one another because they were taking up every ounce of time we had – our marriage had to be the priority. I think one thing I have to remind myself with discipline in general is that while it is very important and it is my job, it isn’t up to me to change their hearts through my discipline – it is up to God to change their hearts and He can do that through my discipline that is full of holes. Bedtime especially is one of those times I remember who is really in charge and I lean on Him for the strength I don’t have on my own in this whole parenting job. Twins are very sanctifying. Gosh, you may want to throw me under the bus for that perspective, but if you think it would be helpful please pass it along. One practical thing we have done that has helped with our boys some is by telling them that if they stay up late being wild at bedtime, they have to go back to bed for that amount of time in the AM – that has worked sometimes (they have a hard time distinguishing between quiet talking, which I don’t mind, it is actually sweet, and getting crazy). But other than that, we do our normal bedtime routine and pray, every night (for a good 2-3 years now) for them to be obedient when we walk out of the room. Unfortunately, (for our convenience at least) sanctification is a slow process. Tell her to hang in there, there will be a point she will look back and say “remember when they would never go to bed?” – we do that about “remember when they used to take their diapers off every day, aim in each other’s beds and “decorate” causing me to wash sheets and beds every day?” and many other not so glorious moments 🙂 it seems so long ago!
mjemom, I’m so glad you responded as a mommy who’s been in my friend’s shoes! I haven’t seen you on here for a while…maybe you’ve been here, and I just haven’t seen you! I have e-mailed my friend the link to this thread, so I am sure she will read your post and receive it with relief. I don’t think you’re crazy at all. I never had twins (although mine are 17 months apart…so it felt like it sometimes!).
oh good – glad I didn’t come across as crazy 🙂 You are welcome to pass along my email and such to her if you’d like (if you still have it). I haven’t been on here as much – I’ve been doing more reading than posting lately so I am just ghosting around here I guess 😉 There have been a few posts (like this one) that caught my eye and I wanted to comment on. It has been crazy busy for us lately and I tend to get sucked into the vortex of my computer and don’t get things done that I really need to, so I try to limit myself. My little two have needed more attention and we have also adopted the college students at church, so that has taken up alot of my time as well, but it has been good – added a new flavor to our family having them all around. We are hopefully starting to build our house sometime this year, so planning for that has me occupied as well as the first quarter of the year I am always MIA on the computer due to tax season (I do all of ours and our business taxes). SO, not that you really needed to know all that, but that’s where I’ve been. I hope you are well, I think about you and your daughter from time to time and wonder how it’s going 🙂
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