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Finding a job
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Thanks ladies for your words. They don’t sound harsh. I did feel scared but ok being the timing seemed right in our conversation about him getting another job and as I said he was very nice but looked at me and said, I don’t have it in me to get another job I am exhausted mentally and physically, and why do you think you can’t help financially support the family? Which I also nicely said, I do with being home, teaching on a small budget, baking all foods, not going out, watching what goes in and out around here. I am not sure where this wordly view is coming from. Me being home was not the idea when we got married but after our baby was born it sure was. I did mention about him having to pick up my slack on the days I work and I think that was when he said he didn’t mean outside the house unless I couldn’t find anything to do inside.
Thanks everyone for your prayers. Long story short.. dh came and apologized for snaping at me about getting a job. He explained he is hoping I don’t have to get something outside the home, that maybe I can find something to do in the house. That was a HUGE sigh of relief. He just thinks we need to do something to be sure we can make it through the winter months. I am 1/2 relieved and 1/2 worried that I will not be able to find something and then in the end still have to go outside the home. So please continue to pray that I can find some type of honest work at home job.
My talents are few: I can clean houses, I am a very organized person, I could do some type of data entry if I could find something close, I don’t make anything, I can cook and though the idea of selling food seems ideal I don’t know if the area I live in that would work or not. I have also thought on the bringing in 1 family to watch and that seems doable but rocky too unless they were open to letting me take them when need be to the library, field trips, etc.
I know you all mean well with my dh, and I wish you could see meet him. He is a great man, I know his expectations are high, but God also sent him to me. He is fun and funny, honest and reliable. You all seem to forget your dhs all come across as being very Godly men, active in the church, servers of others in all ways, who are not very worldly, who believe strongly every word in the bible. Mine is not godly like yours he struggles with God, especially as of late, he is in the world daily and doesn’t think it’s all wrong (for wives to work being one of them), his family attended church but really don’t live it openly, maybe in suttle ways but not on there sleeves per say. He has never opened a bible that I have seen and I don’t know if he ever will. Though I will make sure to say he fully believes in God, he is going to church with us again and I am sorry for posting on here about these things. I think it might be time to push away from it for awhile and keep our family affairs to myself, which I probably should do. I understand and hear you on what needs or could need to be done. I am sure counceling would be very beneficial, but so would my dh just learning to really love teh Lord and thank him in all situations. I can’t change him, I can only love him.
I appreciat the information here, I know you all really mean well but I can’t change him, only he can change himself and he doesn’t think he needs to change. So I will love him just as I always have for him, I just need to help support our family right now and look for work. Blessings and thanks Misty
Misty – I have been in your position, and I have tried several things. You know, the Proverbs 31 woman worked from home 🙂 she had a vineyard and sold merchandise.
I have done Creative Memories, a scrapbooking party company. That was a couple of months and I wasn’t making enough money to justify the expenses. I have sold baked goods around the holidays, which went pretty well. I have also designed websites, which was definitely the most lucrative but also the most time consuming.
My latest “fiasco” is getting ready to start selling all natural homemade lip balm and lotion bars.
Fall and winter are great craft show times. If you can bake or make any kind of craft of product you can do craft shows on Saturdays and get a lot more customers. You could offer baked goods AND a few crafts also. I have a friend who does nothing but make hardtack candy and sells it at craft sales. She now makes candy 5 days a week in order to get ready for the busy season! She makes a lot of money just selling candy!
The children can even get involved and it could be a learning project. They could help put things together , price things, pack things up, set up and help man the table. Family business 🙂 I have often observed the Amish in our area make it a family effort at flea markets and craft sales. It teaches children a lot and it draws you together as everyone helps each other to take care of the families needs.
Oh, i also tried knitting hats but I’m so horribly slow 🙂
Also, hitting garage sales and thrift stores to find books and reselling online can be a good income. My mother did it for years. Find treasures for a dollar and you can sell them for 10 online sometimes. This involves having to pack and ship, we made a weekly post office run and everyone helped carry packages. 🙂 and we survived.
Tara
This post will be brief as I don’t have a lot of time and have just had the opportunity to skim through the other posts. One thing that didn’t appear to have been addressed is “in the bedroom”. No need to answer here, but just ask yourself if are you meeting your husbands needs. I cannot stress enough how much this issue can help a husband to overcome many stressful situations as well as help him overlook other shortcomings. Family Life Today just did a radio program about some research that was done and ultimately what the men surveyed revealed is that respect STARTS in the bedroom. If a husband isn’t feeling respect there he’s not going to see your efforts, no matter how hard you work, how hard you clean, how kind you are, how many nice things you say. If you can lovingly, graciously, willingly satisfy your husband, you will be amazed at the change in him.
Of course this does not apply to abusive husbands.
Maybe some of the other girls that have wonderful husbands can chime in here. I can see the difference in my husband and it is worth it’s weight in gold. I’m ashamed of the times when I have not been willing to meet his needs because of my own selfishness and sometimes I still struggle, but prayer for myself worked wonders.
I’d also advise that if your husband IS a good man, you may want to limit your posts about him (AND everything related to him – getting a job, discipline, sitting in church etc…), because that’s certainly not the impression you’re giving and between what you write and how others are responding, it’s definitely going to make it more difficult and not easier to respect him. It’s going to make your marriage more difficult because the next time you think, “He’s such a jerk”, you’re going to have mental confirmation from all of your friends on the forum.
If he’s a horrible, abusive (verbally or otherwise) user then you probably need to be talking to someone other than people on the forum to get you help.
We all have troubled times and can use encouragement – I wish we could offer something more useful – a solution that would quickly solve all your problems. You’ll be in my prayers as I know that this must be so discouraging to deal with on a daily basis.
Misty, talk to your priest, a close friend, and try and get some counseling. There are many issues that you can address and it likely is better to address them with someone face to face. It is always hard to maintain a marriage when you do not share religious views, but it can be done…however it takes two people to work at it. A damaged marriage/relationship is nearly always caused by two people not just one, and I would suggest that both of you have to face the issues and work through them. This forum likely is not the place to discuss your life in the bedroom and I therefore think that you might need to keep these topics off the forum and find someone preferably together who can listen to you and advise how to improve the communication between the two of you. I hope you have a close friend or someone you can talk to…I don’t think anyone minds you venting here, but I feel it is maybe not going to help very much. These more serious issues should always be dealt with in a one on one setting where you can both feel safe expressing your needs. If he won’t go to counseling why don’t you go and get some help for yourself and maybe then he would go as well. I wish you well, you have 9 children and you will need all your strength to care for them. Regards work, you must decide that for yourself, but I think from what you have said, your husband could do more…and even if he did not want another job, he could help you more with the children, after all he did help create them, and they need him as well. Marriage is very hard work at times, and it takes two to make it work, one giving everything and the other giving little is not how it is supposed to be. Search your heart, stop taking the blame for it all – he may be a very nice and fun man, but he has responsibilities he must meet, as well as you….get some help even if it is just you to start with – you are going to have to find a way to meet in the middle and take responsibility for the family you have jointly. Prayers for you all. Linda
Rebekah, yours is an interesting post. I would like to caution you to be very, very careful in how you word your advice. You would never want a woman to feel that her husband’s anger or abusive behavior were the result of her not feeling comfortable in a sexual context. That places an incredible burden on the wife’s shoulders. Yes, the bedroom is an incredibly important part of marriage. But it is a 50/50 two-way street. I read far too much in different places about how the wife needs to “satisfy” her husband or “meet his needs,” as if it were a job she needed to fulfill, not a mutually beneficial, nurturing process. Unfortunately, very little is said about the husband’s role in this area. In order for a woman to be able to open up completely in a sexual context, she needs to feel nurtured, cherished, and respected. Sex itself is not the foundation of respect. It is a natural manifestation of the mutual love and respect of two partners, and should be affirming and beautiful for both.
Misty, I am very glad that you and your husband had some productive conversation. It sounds like you both were very careful and thoughtful in your words. I think it’s wonderful! And working from home sounds like a great option. I am sorry you are feeling regretful about posting your concerns here; I hope that no-one (especially myself) came across in any way disrespectful to you, your husband, or your relationship.
All the best.
Amanda
Misty,
You mentioned that you can cook – does that include baking? My friend is a stay at home mom who has established her own Cake baking business right in her own kitchen. She started about 2 years ago and is now in high demand. She has even told me she can’t believe how much parents will spend on their children’s birthday cakes! That’s one way to turn a hobby into profit. She also keeps 1 or 2 children after school. That may be an option for you since afterschool would be less time than an all-day care and may be less intrusive to your homeschool hours. Just some ideas…
Jennifer
Oh Linda – Thanks for your post. By inviting other women to chime in, I can see how that might appear to be encouraging a little more open discussion than what I was intending. I just meant that perhaps other women could say that addressing that issue HAS made a positive difference in their husbands – without being inappropriate – knowing the ladies on this forum, I just ASSUMED that’s how it would be taken. I agree – no need to go into details, and I would have PMed, but knowing Misty can’t receive them, had to post instead.
And Amanda, I think I WAS careful in how I posted and even specifically stated that it doesn’t apply to abusive husbands so as not to be misconstrued by others where this advice would not be helpful. Misty has continually stated that her husband is NOT abusive and IS loving to her despite his shortcomings, so my suggestion to consider was given within that context. I KNOW I’m not the only woman who has avoided intimacy because my husband didn’t “deserve” it, because I didn’t “feel” loved. And I DO know that withholding for punishment doesn’t get those things fixed. The more selfless I am with my husband, the more selfless he is with me. Now, that’s my wonderful husband, but I also know it to be true of women who aren’t married to “wonderful” men. Again, NOT in the context of abusive relationships. And while this issue is still “taboo” it simply must be addressed, EVEN if we feel embarassed or perhaps even convicted – which is why I hesitate to even post about it, because I know that surely once I do, the Holy Spirit will come knocking on my own conscience about how well I am putting aside self to serve my husband.
And I agree with Linda – Misty, PLEASE don’t share if the bedroom is an issue – no need to discuss here, just examine within your own heart if that might be an issue and pray about what God would have you do.
kindly and with the best of intentions for encouraging women to selflessly love their (non-abusive) husbands,
Rebekah
Rebekah,
Thanks for clarifying that you were referring to the idea of not withholding sex as “punishment.” I would agree with that 100%. Sex or the lack thereof should never, never be used in any type of manipulative way by either party. I simply wanted to clarify that it is just as much a husband’s role to make a wife feel loved and secure enough to have sex, as it is the wife’s role to make the husband feel fulfilled in sex. That way it is a beautiful thing both ways. A great deal of the husband’s satisfaction in sex comes not from the act itself, but from the knowledge that he is able to fulfill his wife’s sexual needs–thus becoming close to her in the most intimate possible way.
And often, husbands who aren’t exactly textbook “abusive” simply do not fulfill that responsibility towards their wives…often out of simple ignorance as to how women work. There are some wonderful books and video seminars out on this topic.
And btw–I do hope that it is NOT a taboo topic and that people do not feel embarassed by it! It is so very important, and has the possibility to be either incredibly beautiful, or conversely, incredibly problematic….that I think it is absolutely necessary to talk about it as openly as possible (within our comfort levels and without details, of course. My husband and I are absolutely clear that no “details” go beyond us. But discussion of principles–yes.)
Thank you again for clarifying.
Amanda
I don’t think of any intimate discussion as taboo ever….however I do think if that is a problem in a marriage, then it should likely not be too openly discussed on a forum which will remain in print many years later…I think with computers we have to always show a modicum of caution in the things we post about ourselves and our lives. Things can easily be misconstrued and offend. We have had intimacy issues discussed on here before, and as I recall one post was shut down because of it….I think that Misty and her husband need more assistance than we can give, her situation is unique to her and though we can offer general advice and support, I am not thinking that a homeschooling forum is the place to discuss the bedroom in any kind of detail. Being European, I am very broadminded about such things and am happy to discuss sexual things, however there is a time and a place and I am not sure this is the place. People come and go on this forum, yet the words are here and we would not want anyone regretting something they said about their activities. I am just suggesting caution and hope that Misty can find someone to really listen to her in person and advise her – just the fact that Misty defended her husband so loyally makes me think she already regrets posting some of these things, so perhaps she does not want to go further with this. I would personally say we can pray for her situation and hope that she finds help in person. Amanda I think it might be very difficult for Misty to discuss the bedroom without being specific and that would be a problem, so it is best left off the forum imho. Blessings Linda
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