Name: Spreading the Feast Gathering
Start: 2025-07-11T00:00:00-05:00
End: 2025-07-12T23:59:59-05:00
Location: LaGrange, KY

Tagged: trusting God. work.

This topic has 38 replies, 20 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 8 months ago by missingtheshire.

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September 19, 2012 at 4:54 pm
suzukimom
Participant
I just want to give an idea about what my dh has been doing – for comparison….
My dh works nights… from 7pm to 3am. He comes home, sleeps until about 9am (so about 5 hours sleep) – gets up and goes to work at a 2nd job… so working from about 10:00 to 6:00 – then drives to his night job. He is also “on call” 24 hours a day for his 2nd job… so often his sleep is disrupted. He has been doing this for about 2 to 3 months. during that time, he has also done some overtime work with his first job. On weekends (if not working overtime), he spends time with the family (including things like grocery shopping), and goes to church on Sunday. He often helps getting the kids folding laundry etc.
Now that is exhausting.
Fortunately, he only has to continue doing this until the end of the month (he put in notice on the first job)…
September 19, 2012 at 6:09 pm
Questa7
Member
I just want to say something here. I have hesitated for a long time about mentioning my marital issues on this board, mainly because I don’t like airing dirty laundry. But I think here it might really help, because i have been in nearly your exact situation, time after time after time.
My husband is a good man. He loves me, loves his children, works hard five days a week. He is a Christian.
That said, he has MAJOR explosive anger issues, and always has. He is also extremely OCD (I am not speaking in the diagnosed sense of the word.) He likes things just so. He tries, honestly. But if things aren’t just so, he starts going crazy. He knows this is no one’s fault, but he still takes it out on me, and sometimes the children (indirectly, and not hitting. We are a non-violent household, period.)
Going from one child to two has been a MAJOR and difficult adjustment for him. He has to help out more around the house. He gets less time with me. He gets less time on the computer just to relax. Now, just to clarify, all of those things are prioritized: I do make sure he gets time with me and to relax. There is just less of it than before.
He too gets very stressed over financial issues. We have been very tight recently, mainly due to car issues and (finally) paying off some of his residual debt from years ago. We have not been able to go on some trips he would like to. We have not been able to purchase a second car as soon as we would have liked to since our previous second car died, so we have been sharing a car.
Plus, his job is extremely stressful. He is in the military, and is holding down two positions, and being considered for one that is above his rank level. He was hoping for a promotion this year (that would finally bring his pay grade up to the level of the job he is actually doing, which is also above his rank), and it didn’t happen. That would also have eased matters financially.
How does he deal with this? Well, he will be fine for a few weeks, and then he will explode, usually over something completely inconsequential. He will say horrible, horrible things to me. He will do it in the presence of the children. He will call me names. He will threaten to leave or tell me to leave him. He will say our DS needs to go to PS (we have a firm commitment to homeschooling him; and because of his special needs, he would suffer more than most in PS.) He will say I don’t love him. I don’t respect him. I am against him. I am disloyal….all with absolutely zero foundation.
Does DH mean these things? No. But he says them all the same, and despite the fact that he usually apologizes either that night or the next morning and then is fine for another month, it still hurts like you wouldn’t believe.
It got so bad (he crossed a previously uncrossed boundary) shortly after our recent second baby was born that I had to call my father on an emergency basis and have him drive seven hours to come pick up me, the children, and the dogs. I left for five days. It was the hardest and most miserable thing I have ever done.
It was also the best. While we were gone, I put my foot down. I told him how his behavior was damaging me and our children. I told him that while I am completely and utterly loyal to him and love him dearly, I have the responsibility as co-parent of my children to protect them from harm, whether it be physical, emotional, or what not. I laid down conditions to our coming back.
I never called him names, disrespected him, or was ugly to him. I made my love clear to him, but was extremely firm in that his behavior HAD to change. I knew he loved us, but the compulsive issues (everything has to be his way) and explosive periodic anger had to change.
So far, it has worked. Not completely without incident, of course, but mostly. He understood the need for boundaries and work on his part, and we hashed out those boundaries. He has really tried. He has stepped up to the plate. He has not lost it completely since then….almost, last night in fact, but he stopped himself. He has become clear that he is as committed to homeschooling as I am, and he has stopped naming PS as an option. He has been more sensitive to DS (who CAN be hard to deal with, and has always been a trigger for DH. We have had a lot of the “Why don’t you do something about it?” that you mentioned. Always shifting the parenting responsibility to me.) He has been more sensitive to my needs, and I have been better able to have spiritual conversation with him and bring him things that were troubling me. He has, in short, humbled himself and thus earned far more of my respect than he had before.
He is really trying. And part of what helped was this. When he would accuse me of not respecting him, I would respond calmly: I respect you for who you are. But I do not respect your behavior. You have been acting in a manner unworthy of respect. I love and respect you, but further respect has to be earned. It is not a default. If I were acting the way you are acting, I would have no right to expect you to respect my behavior.
I have been firm yet gentle with him, but I have also had to learn to be firm and gentle with myself. I do not cave emotionally to his problems any more. I do not blame myself for everything and cower in emotional corners. This part has been a long hard road, and several people and books have helped me, but I finally feel that I am standing up straight and being the best parent I can be for my children (which I couldn’t be when I was so afraid of his temper and unpredictability that I couldn’t take the steps to protect my children from it), and the best spouse I can be (ditto.)
Love is given. Respect is earned. These men HAVE to hear that. And they should never, ever, EVER require you to do something because you need to be “taught” respect. That is an abominable and un-Godly way of communicating. It is used to manipulate for their own emotional well-being…and helps no-one, themselves included.
Again–I love my husband, very, very dearly. But I also love my God, my children, and myself….and God has been working overtime teaching me how to balance all these things properly. 🙂 I know you love your husband and must struggle with communicating these things, because you see all his good qualities, but when you have to talk about the bad, it makes him look so much worse than he is. Believe me, I know. I have had family members try to get me to divorce my husband based on his behavior (I do not believe in divorce.) But they do not see what a truly wonderful person he is, apart form the issues.
Please let me know if you’d like to talk sometime.
Amanda
September 19, 2012 at 6:57 pm
Misty
Participant
Thank you for sharing Amanda – was a wonderful testamony. I know he looks bad though he isn’t. I think in some way our dh’s are a like. He wants it his way and I make it all happen. I worry about telling/sharing with him for worry he will not like it or critize me.
could counseling help, oh I am sure. I am sure I have faults that need to be fixed toward him. And he does to me. I also don’t believe in divorce, but I wonder sometimes if he’d be just as happy visiting us vs. living with us? That’s scary to even think. His expectations are so high I don’t believe I can even measure to them most days..
thoughts are all I have at this point. My prayer is still that in time a day or two he will see that me working will not bring anything but more money but everything else will suffer from it. Including his passions and wants like hunting. He can’t go out hunting if he needs to be home watching the children. Well we’ll see. I am in constant prayer with the Lord. Also, hoping to talk to my mom in private tonight.
September 19, 2012 at 7:47 pm
4myboys
Participant
My sister and her husband have been living in seperate homes for nearly 15 years. He is much like your dhs seem to be — wanted everything just so, expected her to take care of everything to do with the house and their 3 boys. Eventually they decided they would be happier living apart, but they are still great friends, spend a lot of time together and neither of them seem to have considered a divorce, even though their boys are all grown and gone (well, youngest is in his last year at University). I’m not sure it’s exactly healthy, but it somehow works for them.
September 19, 2012 at 11:05 pm
Kristen
Participant
These are all great posts for you Misty, and while I will not try to council you on husbands and marriage as I think every one needs work, I will say this. I have 4 children, work full-time second shift housekeeping at a hospital, home school and am trying to finish a course in medical transcription that supposedly you can get done in six montths but it has taken me over two years. I am getting close though! Anyway, I can’t imagine what trying to work would be like with seven kids! My kids do A LOT of chores because we need them to. I don’t want to make my husband look bad because he isn’t and he does help out, but things just don’t get done the way a mother would do them or have them done if she were at home. Going to work may help you earn some money, but it creates so many more problems. (I needed to in order for us to keep our house).
I don’t get to tuck my kids in to bed at night. I only see my husband on weekends, I don’t make them healthy breakfasts or suppers. There is more but that is a few.
It sounds like you worry about money alot, and I can relate to this. I used to worry about it all the time. Do you and your husband share the paying of the bills? We tried this but my DH would not take time to do it with me so finally I told him “I was done with it and this bill is due this date and here you go.”. He took over and I don’t worry about it as much any more. Also, God always provides! Pray for simple things (like, “Lord, I need some potatoes for supper”) and watch what happens. This was very hard for me, to give up the control and trust God for everything. Do you know why it was so warm in Wisconsin last year? (Through a lot of the country too). Because just before Christmas we ran out of gas for our furnace, and we went the whole rest of the winter heating our house with space heaters. Not very safe I know, but that is what we had to do. Thankfully there was only a few days where it was bitter cold and the kids had to camp out at night in the living room (which they thought was great). DH said to me “do you think God can make a warm winter just for six people?”. I am sure there were more than us with this issue but “Yes, He can!”.
Please discuss these issues with your husband and your priest, before you make a decision. And most importantly, trust in Him completely.
Gods blessings.
September 20, 2012 at 1:34 am
Questa7
Member
Misty….I have thought all those thoughts too at various times. Please don’t feel bad about them. They are honest.
I think the biggest thing (at least this is what I have found) is, no matter what you have to say to him, always, always reaffirm your love for him. And then say what you have to say without backing down or being guilted out of it. “I love you, but I have to say this.” “I love you, but you may not say that to me.” “I love you, but you may not do that to me.” “I love you, but I do not like your behavior.”
It is HARD to take charge of yourself and your emotions and reactions that way (believe ME.) But it’s also pretty amazing when you do it. I told my sister the other day that I feel a bit like a caterpillar coming out of a chrysalis. 😉

September 20, 2012 at 3:06 am
Canoearoo
Participant
I have a part time job for 5 years now. We needed the money (at one point dh had 3 jobs, so him getting another was not an option) but I didn’t know how to begin looking for a job that is only 12 hours a week (the max amount of time we feel OK with). So we prayed for a job that would fit for us. And the Lord answered. I work at church now as the part time co-Children’s Director. I job share with another mom. This is perfect for us because it fits my degree perfectly. The grandparents come and watch the kids one afternoon a week and then hubby and the kids have daddy time on Sunday afternoons. They kids get to spend great time with their grandparents and I get to serve God and help the family financialy.
So my advice is to pray for the prefect job. God will provide what you need
September 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm
Misty
Participant
thanks I will. I also pray that we can come to come other terms or ways of making it work better. I have tried to have my dh sit with me and he just wont. Having him do it.. now theres a thought. Hmmm… Well have to go. thanks
September 20, 2012 at 1:25 pm
2flowerboys
Participant
Misty, noone has suggested any work. You can look into working for Avon or Mary Kay. I worked for Mary Kay for a while…but we live in a very small town and we have lots here to compete with. So Avon, sells many different types of products. I love Mary Kay..the products and the people!
And of course you know about cleaning homes and cleaning churches. both can be part time work. There is also a company called Scentsy that so many people love. This you don’t have to have products at home..people can wait to receive them! If you live in and around big cities, these types of things are easier to sell. And you can do them from your home! Of course there is Pampered Chef, but that would mean you would have to do parties! And although loved by many, seems like a lot people are selling this! 🙂
Don’t know how you feel about working in the middle of the night! But all night Walmart and Kroger might be good places to work for a few hrs. At least the store would be empty! LOL And you would prob do stocking.
Not sure if you would be interested with 7 kids, but babysitting is another option. If I think of anymore, I will let you know 🙂 I pray that all will work out for you and your family!
September 20, 2012 at 1:46 pm
rbevans
Member
test
September 21, 2012 at 12:17 am
WendyB
Member
Hello Misty,
Homeschooling and working can be done. However, it takes a strong family and a willing husband. A pp mentioned that getting a outside job would be your 3rd job. This is a very acurate assessment of the situation! You will not be able to work outside the house and continue doing everything inside the house.
I work 24 hours a week in 2 -12 hour shifts. I work alternating M/T and S/S. On the M/T that I work, dh is responsible for getting the kids back and forth to the child sitter. He also is responsible for cooking dinner for those days and clean up. On S/S that I work, he is responsible for all childcare, usually goes grocery shopping on Saturday ( with kids in tow), takes both younger kids to any activities, cleans the house,cooking meals, etc. In addition, he does all of his own laundry. ( I wish I could bold that part because that is huge!). Housework is split on about a 60/40 ratio….meaning that he is fully capable and willing to clean any part of the house. He has also had to be the parent dealing with sick kids. I do not call in on a weekend if the kids are sick! He has spent plenty of weekends with sick kids. I could not be a successful homeschooling working mom without him being willing and able to pick up the slack. I could not be responsible for all housework, work, and homeschool the kids. Just not possible.
It also cost money to work. In addition to paying for childcare, I have other expenses such as gas, parking, uniforms, food, etc. It is also tricky to arrange childcare for school age children during the school year. I am fortunate to make a significant income that offsets these expenses but it still needs to be considered before making the decision to work outside the home.
For us, being a time and half family works. I really enjoy my job. My income allows dh to work at a lower paying job that he enjoys instead of a higher paying job that he hates. I am contributing to my own retirement. However, the dynamics inside our home are different than a family that has a fulltime homemaker. Our arrangement certainly isn’t for every family!
Best of luck finding the best solution for your family.
Wendy.
September 21, 2012 at 1:52 am
LindseyD
Participant
Hi Misty,
I have avoided posting on this thread for a while because, although my heart hurts for you, I was afraid of saying something that might come across as harsh or disrespectful. Like several others have said, I have also read your forum posts for the last couple of years, and it is very obvious that something in your home is out of order. And, honestly, it seems like it’s your husband. I mean, you said yourself that you know his expectations are so high that you’ll probably never measure up. It seems from your posts that no matter what you do it’s never enough. I’m sorry, Misty, but that’s not a healthy marriage. And I know others (including myself) have also suggested counseling for you and your husband, and the fact that he won’t even consider it also shows that he’s not willing to admit his part of the problem and take responsibility to change. I’m very glad that someone else posted before me that there comes a point when you have to put your foot down and stop being a doormat to be walked all over. You can do that in an honoring way to your husband–but YOU deserve that and so do your children. Your posts always seem to be about what you need to change, how you need to discipline the children, how you need to be more frugal, how you need to do this or that…I wonder if your husband is ever seeking counsel from friends or whomever about HIS part of your family and marital issues? Why is it just you?
Misty, please don’t take this in a harsh way, but it seems like YOU are the only one trying to make your family and marriage work. And, I’m sorry to be the bearer of harsh news, but it will never work that way. God placed as much responsibility on a husband as he did on a wife, and those responsibilities and callings were meant to compliment each other.
This time just two years ago, my husband was working four–yes 4–jobs. He worked at a benevolence ministry M-F from 8-5. He hurried home to change clothes to wait tables 3-4 nights per week from 5:30-11:30. On Wednesdays, he was paid to do music for a local youth group, and on Sunday mornings, he lead the music for our church, which he was also compensated for. PLUS, during the little time he had at home, he was trying to develop his own programming company (which I’m happy to say is now very successful!). He did this because there’s no way our finances would have worked any other way, and it was completely out of the question for me to go out and get a job. He did this because he knew the best person to take care of our children was me. He did this because he feels that there is no greater responsibility than to provide for his family, no matter what. So, I did what I could from home: shopped frugally, made my own laundry soap, kept the lights off and the AC up, drove as little as I could, purchased all our school stuff used or borrowed from the library, cooked instead of eating out, relied on hand-me-downs and second-hand stores for our clothing. And because of the sacrifices we made and the way we worked together as a TEAM, we made it through that very tough season of our lives. And it brought us together as a couple and made our marriage stronger because we were fully relying and supporting each other.
I’m not telling you all that to make my husband look better than yours. I’m simply saying that as a wife and mother, you’re holding up your end of things. Your husband might have to get a little less sleep or go hunting less, but it is HIS mandate from the Lord to be the provider of the family, not yours. It isn’t easy, but it can be done. Because of what my husband did for our family, I will never accept excuses from men who say they don’t have the time or energy to get a second (or third or fourth) job.
Misty, I am by no means saying you need to divorce your husband. I believe marriage is forever, unless there are biblical grounds to end the marriage, and even then it must be approached with extreme caution. But, I don’t think you would be out of your rights to separate from your husband for a time of reflection and healing for yourself and a time of self-examination and possibly change for him. The dynamic that the two of you have created is not healthy for yourselves or your children, and we must protect our children from these things. It won’t benefit them at all to see their father treat their mother in this way or to see the two of you at odds so much. It may be, like Amanda’s husband, that your husband needs a wake-up call. You’re eventually going to have to respectfully stop being a doormat to be walked all over for your husband and start being a mighty woman of valor, who respects herself.
I will be praying for you and your husband. I pray that God opens your husband’s heart and uses the power of His Word to change your husband. I pray that He gives you the courage you need to be bold and stand up for yourself. I pray that He heals your heart from the obvious hurts that your husband is causing. I pray that He will begin to restore what the locusts have eaten in your lives.
Much love, Misty,
Lindsey
September 21, 2012 at 2:01 am
Kristen
Participant
Yes, I would agree with Wendy, it won’t work very well if your spouse doesn’t help out. I don’t call in either when kids are sick and he has to take care of them and other household chores. While my house never seems to be the way I would like it, it would be a LOT worse if my husband didn’t help like he does.
As far as jobs for you; is there a hotel or nursing home in your area? A lot of times they will hire part time and be flexible with hours for people. I am talking house keeping, laundry, or even as a cna. Could you maybe look into medical transcription to work from home? That is also very flexible. Can you sew? You could take mending in, help elderly people by running errands, bake things during holidays to sell, give voice or piano lessons. What are you good at? And even watching one child for a few hours daily in your home can add up.
I will keep praying for you, that God gives you a way to take care of these issues.
September 21, 2012 at 2:49 am
Claire
Participant
On the job hunt …
What about offering a class to other homeschooling families for a small fee per child? A lot of Mom’s seem reluctant to teach children to cook (maybe due to mess? not sure) and that would be a valuable class that I’m sure no one would mind paying a little for each week. Or another subject Mom’s on this forum seem perplexed about would be Nature Study. What if you taught a Nature Study class in a local park or greenspace for an hour or two each week? I know lots of families who would jump on that and gladly pay for the service. Older children could help mind the class and other than being your wonderful you (organized and CM loving) it wouldn’t take much.
I recently moved to a larger city and have noticed the intense schedules most families keep around our neighborhood. Maybe another job would be to make meals and sell them in your neighborhood to working families with kids in school. Who wouldn’t buy a well made pot of chili or soup during the week to make their lives easier? Buying in bulk or with coupons could make that very profitable. It seems like a win win to be blessing a family with a good meal and providing for your own family too. A simple flyer in the mailboxes would get the word out. Maybe an open house to “taste” your wares one Saturday would be good promotion.
I always think it easiest to be home and working and not working outside the home where income is eaten away by the costs of working outside the home.
September 21, 2012 at 3:12 am
LDIMom
Participant
Great point by Claire on ways to earn money from home. That would be ideal.
You also mentioned Misty cleaning your parent’s home. I know a lady who cleans homes and was able to take her children with her (when they were preschool; they are both in PS now). But maybe you know others who might allow you to clean and have children with you?
I also have to mention TeachersPayTeachers. I hope that is OK on here. I have never mentioned it on here b/c I don’t want to push anything that would benefit me personally, but I have a few things for sale on there and am starting to turn a profit. These are things I make for our children to use in school already, so it doesn’t add any time to my already busy day. It also doesn’t cost me anythin b/c it is all done digitally and the site handles the transactions. I just get a pay out to my paypal each quarter.
That brings me to another idea. What other talents do you have? Cleaning, cooking have been mentioned as well as mending.
Do you make anything? People love to buy handmade items, and now it is so easy to sell even from your home. Etsy, ebay, etc. And maybe you could sell in local ways too–at a little shop, word of mouth. If you bake desserts, those always sell well. Fried pies, fruit-based pies, birthday cakes, etc.
This is going to sound crazy, but you I know people who clip coupons and sell them on ebay. I don’t but I’ve thought of doing it. You can even sell the whole uncut sheet. Crazy people will buy those but they do! If you have the coupons anyway or know people who just throw them out .. I don’t know it might be an easy way to make a little money.
Also, what about selling things on e-bay? With 7 kids you probably are always cleaning out clutter. I try to be so careful about what comes in but we still always have a pile going of stuff to either donate or try to sell. You could use craigslist (with being careful about it) or ebay. I found craigslist to be very effective when we were selling everything but the house with our last adoption. I made nearly $800 in a couple of weeks selling things we had in our home: furniture, baseball cards, nice kids’ shoes, old dishes we had a piece of here and there, etc.
That is all I can think of for now. Praying for you!