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Feel Like I'm Failing – Need Help
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I used time out a bit when they were old enough to understand what time out was, that meant no toys, sit quietly for 10 minutes and afterward apologise to their sibling. As they got older a favorite toy or book would be removed, or a favorite video could not be viewed. If one child had done the other wrong, then they picked up the wronged child’s chores for the day. I always made sure that if they were rude to one another or mean, they understood what they had done wrong and then said sorry. We had Bible time every morning, and I used that time to explain how we are supposed to follow the Ten Commandments and how we are meant to behave. I would use examples of their bad behavior to make various points. I did it that way, because I wanted us all to be calm when we discussed the right and wrong – I did not want the Bible to be part of the punishment, more of a lesson at a calm time in the day when we were all thinking straight. The Bible is such an important thing to have in the home, and I wanted it to be a book of loving guidance, rather than part of a punishment – no-one thinks straight when they are upset or angry. As they got older, we would cancel events that they wanted to attend. An example in the teen years was a couple years ago, my daughter had not done her school work and made excuses – as it was the second time she had done that, my husband and I decided to cancel a trip to a place she had been longing to go to. We told her that we could not reward the behavior and we would all stay home because of it. I can honestly say we have not had a problem since. All work is now done on time and well. That lesson has stuck with her, and she knows we will do as we say, so she does not risk it. There are many ways to bring order into a home – the girls and I talk about everything and anything, and they know they can always come to me for guidance and a shoulder, they also know I will do the hard things if I have to – I seldom have to anymore. There father and I just decided that a loving hand and discipline was necessary and we started very young. Everyone has their own ideas of childrearing and each person must be comfortable with their way – this worked for us, but maybe others would not like the way we do things – but it did work for us.
Thank you all SOOOO much for your suggestions and your honesty. Today I am feeling especially challenged because DS just won’t cooperate. His dad was even here because he went to work late and told him to behave or he’d go back to public school….those types of things don’t seem to phase him. I asked him “what message do you want to send to your dad?” He said he wants him to think “Wow, he’s really doing a great job. I was wrong about homeschooling, he should stay.” I told him he’s giving him the opposite message and that what he’s receiving is telling him he should go back. So I went on to tell him that if that’s not the message he wants his dad to have that he’s got to do something different in order for him to receive a different message and that not me, his dad, his sister or anyone else can change that.
My son and I have power struggles. He has a huge problem with being “bossed around” and told what to do. He feels that it is unfair that he doesn’t get to make the rules or choices that have to do with him. I do try to give him choices, for example….”you can do all of your school work first and watch the movie later or you can watch the movie first and do all of school work after.” Or, “You can choose to clean your room/do your work or choose not to and receive a consequence. The choice is yours.” In his mind, those kinds of choices still have the outcome I want and not the outcome he wants so he feels they aren’t really choices at all.
I have been told my husband, a friend who is a mother to 8 with # 9 on the way and The Total Transformation Program, that I need to give my direction and then walk away without engaging in any type of back and forth. This is where I am personally challenged. It is SOOOO hard to keep my mouth shut when that kid starts talking back. I CAN’T STAND IT. When someone in one of the earlier posts said to choose on changing one behavior at a time, I honestly think I’d want it to be his mouth first. For me, instead of the “Uh no” and all of the other mumblings and backtalk I get when I give direction, all I want to hear is “Okay; Yes Mom; I’d be glad to; No Problem” or anything positive along those lines. He may not like the direction and he may not agree with it, but any words that come out of his mouth that are less than obedient and compliant are unacceptable. This would be a fantastic change in behavior for me because it would mean that he is accepting that life is about choices and that we won’t always be put in situations that we like or agree with, but we always have the choice to do the right thing in any given situation. My problem is….WHAT DO I DO TO NOT REACT?
I’ve tried walking away to calm myself down and returning with a better attitude, but here’s the problem: I know that my kids need positive reinforcement and words of encouragement but quite honestly, after I’ve had to go calm myself down because my son has been disrespectful all morning, I don’t have it in me to be loving and encouraging towards him. I do love him, but I certainly find it challenging to be loving towards him despite his less than loving behavior. I guess if I could change one behavior in myself it would be to not react negatively but in a loving, positive and encouraging way in spite of what he’s doing. I know that I need to lead by example and this is probably my biggest challenge in parenting/teaching right now. And at 8 going on 9 in a few months, we’re not too far from the pre-teen/teen years. If I don’t get this under control now I will have a real problem once he hits those teen years. I don’t want that. I want to enjoy my children and most of the time I don’t enjoy my son. It hurts my heart because I want to. He’s a great kid – he’s smart and funny and underneath his resistance to authority, he has a really loving and caring heart. I want to enjoy those qualities more frequently than I do now but I don’t know how to get past the resistance to authority/power struggles and disrespectful mouth without reacting.
This disconnect and constant struggle with my son creates a great deal of stress for me…so much so that I am feeling it physically. I know it is not good and I have often wondered if it would be best for both of us to put him back in PS….but at the same time I know God gave me this assignment of homeschooling my children, so I am just struggling trying to find that balance of being obedient without it being a burden.
I don’t know if anyone here has all of the answers, but something I haven’t done yet and that is I’d like to ask for your prayers. I know there is power in prayer. I obviously cannot do this alone and I need help. Your prayers would mean a lot to me, just as all of the outpouring of encouragement and advice mean so much. Thank you.
krw
You certainly have my prayers, your struggles with your son are difficult and challenging and possibly made worse as you yourself recognise by your own lack of patience. I struggled with that too, as I mentioned and did walk away often. At young ages though the only think I did different was not give choices – they grew up knowing that we did what was expected and necessary first and only then could we think about other things. Once they hit the teen years, we started giving choices, options etc – I always felt with my own, that too many choices or even one or two choices made everything I said negotiable, which really it was not – so I did not offer them in the first place. The children knew that I would not change my mind, and so it did not come up. I really feel that a lot of the problems we have with our children come from our own shortcomings – we yell at them, are severe with them, when we don’t know what else to do, when we have lost control – I think before we can train our children, we have to train ourselves and work on our own awful habits. We can hardly expect behavior from them, that we don’t show ourselves. I had to work really hard in my younger years to keep control of my temper and tongue, it was hard and I prayed hard, and apologised a lot – but it was worth it. The walking away worked because when I came back into the situation, I made myself behave in an appropriate manner, even if I did not feel it – I encourage you to work hard on yourself, and don’t be afraid to say you have made a mistake – seeing us humble ourselves is a good thing for children. I don’t have all the answers, Lord knows I don’t, but I encourage you who are struggling to train yourselves first, don’t expect your loved ones to behave in a way you don’t. Love them, enjoy them, don’t be harsh on them – be firm and meaningful in what you want from them. Maybe you need to stop the choices with your son, he won’t like it, but it is your home, your rules. Be firm, expect some problems, but stick to it. Tell him the new house rules are do your work/chores first, and then after all that he has his choices – no ifs ands or buts. Do nip it in the bud now, with firmness and love – don’t let it go to the teen years this way – that will be a far bigger problem. Anyway, my thoughts and prayers and with all you moms trying to do the best you can. God bless you all.
Loving our Kids on Purpose sounds like it might work better for you discipline wise Wilson Academy. You pull back and give your kids the reigns. For example ask him once to clean his room, then either pay a sibling or do it yourself. Then go back and tell your son that someone did it for him so he owes you $10. In the real world if you dont want to clean your house, you hire a maid. If he doesn’t have money, then you make him work hard labor to earn the $10. My son often rakes leaves, picks up pine cones or sticks, sweeps the driveway or porch, Scrubs down toilets. I find too that this hard labor will take some of their anger out. They have a set of words they use to get out of arguing. Refuse to argue with him, use phrases like “probably so” “I know” “Oh NO, what are you going to do about that”.
Bedtime is no longer a fight with us, instead I kiss them good night, shut their doors and tell them I dont want to see you or hear you until morning. They can do whatever they wish as long as I dont see them or hear them. I think they stayed up late the first 2 nights and at the wake up call in the early morning they had a hard time getting up, but they adjusted and fall asleep earlier. My 9 year old is out by 930 and my 5 year old 10 (he was staying up until Midnight, it was a battle every night). If they come out or I hear them they get chores to do right then until they are tired. My 5 year old perversely liked doing the chores, so instead he gets to sit on a stool in the hallway until he’s ready for bed. They only get one wake up call in the mornings, if they dont get up the first time then I charge $5. We give them $5 a week, so they usually dont have the money to pay so instead they get to do hard labor.
I used to get tired of nagging my oldest to feed the dog, so one night when he hadn’t fed the dog that day, I fed the dog his dinner and made him go without until Breakfast. He has never forgotten to feed the dog since.
You do time outs with this program, but they are not timed. For littler ones I say “Fun or no Fun?” They can come out as soon as they want to be fun. If they come out right away and are happy then great. It all becomes their choice how they want to behave.
I forgot to add if he refused to do the hard labor then you are supposed to take $10 or however much he owes you worth of his stuff and sell it. Within a week both my boys were in line and we have had a much easier household. Much Much Cleaner too
Don’t remember who suggested Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit, but it made me think hey I have that book and THANK YOU> That is exactly what I needed to re-read. It made me figure out why I am getting so hot and bothered. It reminded me what I am doing, and mostly it hit my heart right where it needed to be hit. She really gets us on track and it’s nice to come from a mom just “reminding” us of what and why we are doing it.
Update. Knowing this and reading it again Sunday I set out for a day by myself. I needed to unwind, regroup and be alone (not ideal on a Sunday but dh works Saturday). Yesterday was a MUCH better day. I wrote on my dry erase board this “What I see is a mirror image of ME”, so I remember what I do will reflect in them. It made me a better mom yesterday. Made me think before I act and I’m hoping will continue to remind me. Keep working at it.
Also, I redid my schedule to have quiet time with the Lord 1st thing in the morning no matter how much the baby may keep me up. Also , I do a 10 min exercise with hopes of a 20 minute on later in the day. But at least right now I know I have 10 min under my belt if the 20 doesn’t get done. This is also something she talks about in her book mentioned above. I am praying for us, and know that the Lord only gives us what we can handle, hard to understand and remember sometimes but it is the truth! Blessings, Misty
Good for you Misty! I’m excited to read your post because I just ordered the Meek and Quiet Spirit book and am ready to glean all I can from it. Recently I’ve felt that I need some time alone–just like you were able to do–but then I start feeling guilty and thinking ‘What kind of wife and mom must I be to have such a need to be away from them ALL?’ But then, if Jesus felt the need to get away from everyone and be alone with Father, why wouldn’t we need that too. And as far as the Lord only giving us what we can handle, He sure has more confidence in me than I do!
Blessings!It is so encouraging to read the posts here, and some time alone is vital to recharge our souls and spirits. Do not feel guilty about mum time, it is really important to us to stay healthy and sane!! When we are rested and refreshed we are so much nicer as people, at least that is my experience. When my twins were little I was exceptionally tired, premature and poorly being fed an ounce every 2 hours was exhausting and my husband was gone for the first 2 months in the military – so on advice from my doctor, I would put them in their cribs and take a nap or just a time out with a cup of tea and my bible to regroup – my mother came from England and helped for a few weeks as well at the start and that was a blessing. Without that rest and time out it would have been a nightmare. Remember if we mum’s burn out and/or get sick we are no use to anyone – so we must make time for ourselves. Askl your hubby if you can have a quiet time having a relaxing bath with some nice smellies – at the end of a day it can work wonders – he could watch the children while you have that time. Good luck and you are all in my prayers.
I feel like giving up, I really do, but I know that I can’t. I’m sitting here crying as I type this and I don’t talk to anyone in my life other than my mom about this, and don’t do so that often because it worries her, so you wonderful women are a huge support for me right now.
I tried talking with my son this morning to gain a better understanding of how he feels about our relationship. I was trying to make this an open dialogue so that we can get on a road to recovery. I asked him what he doesn’t like about me. He said the yelling, losing my temper, cursing (yes, I do occassionally curse at my son and it’s not anything that I’m proud of but sometimes no other words seem to get the point across quite the same way – I’m sure that stems from the anger and frustration I need to get under control) and giving consequences for “little mistakes”.
I then asked him if I could be an ideal mom, what would that look like. He said of course the opposite of everything he didn’t like – no yelling, cursing, losing my temper, and giving consequences. I then asked him what role he played in all of this. I think it was his response that mostly left me feeling hopeless. He took no responsiblity for his actions. He said that when he makes “little mistakes” like talking back and arguing about doing his chores, he is acting that way because of what I said or did and that he “follows me”.
I then told him that I take full responsiblity for my reactions to his behavior and that it is a choice I make to lose my temper. I went on to tell him it is not the best choice to make, but it is still the choice I make and that I can’t blame anyone for my choices. I then tried to paraphrase why he sees our relationship as a poor one and basically summed it up as he acts the way he acts because of me and that if I didn’t get upset when I tell him it’s time to do the dishes or something similar and the tells me “uh no, I’m going to watch TV” that I shouldn’t press the issue and just respond with something simple like “okay, you don’t have to do the dishes, I’ll do them” he said no, that isn’t it, but he couldn’t give me a clearer explanation.
In my mind, he wants to be free to do as he pleases – what child doesn’t? so I was trying to pull that out of him but he wouldn’t say it in so many words. What he did stick to was the fact that basically he is the way he is because of me. I will own some of that but not all of it. A poor display of temperance, yes, I’ll take some of the blame for that, but his mumble/grumble attitude towards work and taking care of his responsibilities, even his own room, I can’t take responsibility for that. He has never seen me mumble and grumble about my responsibilities in this family. Nor has he witnessed his dad do it.
In the end I asked him again in his eyes, what can I do to be a better mom. His response was that he couldn’t tell me and that I need to figure it out on my own.
I have been working recently on giving myself at least 10 minutes per day to do something for myself. It isn’t much but it is a start. I asked God last night to send me help so that I can truly be the change I seek by healing myself and then healing this family. Interestingly enough, at some point during our conversation this morning my son reminded me that I’ve told him once I change the whole family will change.
I completely understand that I need to make some changes, I know that and I am actively working on it. What I don’t quite understand is how will my changing help my son accept responsibility for his role in our relationship? So if I can learn to control my temper and walk away, I get that he will eventually learn to control his temper and walk away, but how will that help him own the fact that he was disobedient or talked back when he shouldn’t have?
It has been said that it takes 21 days to develop a new habit. Starting now, TODAY I am going to do my best to not engage or attend the arguments my son invites me to and walk away to calm myself down. I am also going to work on returning to the situation with a loving, open, accepting and forgiving heart as this is hard for me too.
I am very appreciative of this forum and all of you ladies who have stepped forward with loving hearts, and I too pray for all of us. Thank you.
I hope that you will read Loving Our Children ON Purpose. The whole goal / Plan is for your children to Clean Up their own Messes. And the Other major thing they Stress is Losing Your Anger.
The best way I know to teach him to be responsible is to Quit cleaning up for him. This doesn’t mean just housework, but any problems or trouble he gets into. Ask him What are you going to do when he comes to you with a problem. If he wants to go somewhere and hasn’t cleaned, then he doesnt go even if its Baseball or whatever sport he may play. I for the longest time would let everything slide feeling I had to get him to sports practice because he was on the Team. But the thing is, the coach is not going to yell at me he is going to yell at my son. And if my son didn’t do what he was supposed to then its his consequence. If the coach makes him run laps for being late or sit the bench, my son will think twice before waiting to clean his room. I think before you can change your relationship with him you yourself are going to have to change. Pray everyday for God to release the Anger and frustration and read your Bible continually. 10 minutes is a Great Start, but not enough. I keep a devotional book in the bathroom and take 5-10 minutes everytime I use the bathroom to read. Also, while Cooking dinner, if something is simmering or baking read for 2-10 minutes while it doesnt need you. Even if you can read only one verse. Also, sometimes I tape Scripture to the wall behind the sink or the Hood on the Stove. Colossian 3:23 is a favorite one for above the sink or the laundry room. Memorize it and meditate on it as you clean or cook. Once you change your habits your son will notice and you can start to build your relationship with him then. Its a matter of him seeing your actions and not just your words. Remember You cant Change Yourself But God can Give you the Strength to Change. Phillipians 4:4-7
Hi,
When I heard the way my two were talking to each other or what their motivation looked like, I believe most of what I saw/heard was a reflection of myself. I didn’t like this reflection. I didn’t want to yell anymore (unless there’s a reason to). I am a believer in Christ and when the more I read and obeyed HIS law, I’ve changed, and therefor my family has too.
About the chores; My girls helped me create our job chart. We created a chart for the things needed to be done each day; set table, wipe table/chairs, feed cats, dump laundry, sort laundry, etc. We each made our own chart and decided together who does what on which days. I also have an “extra job helper” each day. This is my helper for at the moment help throughout the day.
I hope this helps.
theresa
I forgot to add if he refused to do the hard labor then you are supposed to take $10 or however much he owes you worth of his stuff and sell it. 
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