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Feel Like I'm Failing – Need Help
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I could really use the help of moms with large families as I feel clueless and seem to struggle with my two kids and am always so impressed with moms of several kids who seem to be managing all of them so effortlessly (or at least so it APPEARS).
My kids, 8 and 4, are lazy and they fight all the time. It’s mainly my DS8 who is bossing around and being mean to DD4 so this creates a lot of yelling and fighting. He talks to her as if he is her parent….so in essence he’s talking to her the way I talk to them when I give them direction on doing jobs around the house. I hear him say a lot of things that I say, and I admit that out of frustration my words have not always been loving and kind, so he is only copying what I do.
I am trying very hard to disconnect myself from his invitations to arguments. So when I give direction on something and he mumbles, says I’m mean, whines and complains and so on, I try very hard to keep my mouth shut. This isn’t easy to do when you feel you’re being disrespected by your child. But up until recently, it has been my habit to fire back and engage, so of course I’m hearing all of the things I say to him when he’s bossing his sister around.
As far as the laziness, these kids don’t want to do ANYTHING. They don’t want to make their beds, pick up their clothes they just took off, pick up the toys they played with, take out the garbage, do the dishes, clean up their messes, put their toothbrushes back in the cabinet, put their shoes on the shelf in the entryway, schoolwork – NOTHING. Anytime I give direction I am met with a lot of whining and complaining. I don’t expect them to enjoy chores and work all of the time, but I want to get to a place where their hearts are willing and compliant and they do things not because they want to but because they know it’s the right thing to do. The same for how they treat each other.
Homeschooling and wearing many different hats as a SAHM is not easy and I feel like I am doing everything when it comes to keeping the house in order. There are four able-bodied humans in this house, not two. I don’t look to my husband to do as much of the day-to-day because he’s the one going to work 5-6 days a week. He will do laundry and other things so I am grateful for that, but my point is there are some things he shouldn’t have to do because at 8 and even 4, there are things that our children can and should be doing to help out. It won’t be perfect, but it will take a lot of the pressure off of me to do everything and it will teach them responsibility.
I am at my wits end because it seems the more I try the harder it gets. I don’t know how to correct the behavior of whining, complaining, unwillingness and lack of compassion towards one another without me reacting and then engaging in a lot nagging, complaining and justifying. I feel like I am completely failing on teaching them how to be responsible and compassionate human beings. They see me and their dad working and taking care of our responsibilities all the time so they’re not learning the laziness from us. As far as being compassionate towards one another, I do take some ownership of how my son talks to his sister, but at the same time I don’t know if that is normal sibling rivalry. Both me and my husband are only children so we know nothing firsthand of the dynamics of siblings.
Is this all normal and I just need to find something that works for this family? I don’t have Laying Down the Rails – would this help me?
KRW
Do you children have any consequences for their actions right now? How do you discipline? I have Laying Down the Rails, and it has lots of helpful info. My favorite parenting book is Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny silk. You can get it off Amazon. My boys are 9 and 5, they both make their beds, put away laundry, put dirty laundry in hampers, fold clothes, set the table, feed the dog, dust, wipe down counters and vacuum. My 9 year old can put away all the clean dishes from the dishwasher, wash his own clothes, sweep and mop, and wash the cars. So I dont think its unreasonable for your children to help.
Make a list of rules and chores and implement them. Remember if you fail to follow the new plan and fall back on your old ways of yelling and anger That its OK you can start over as soon as you realize. It will take time to change behavior because they have learned it and you have learned it. The laying down the Rails talks a lot about changing behavior so it would be good to have for that. It also tells you to work on one habit at a time. What do you think is the most important and focus on that first.
Mrsjamiesouth,
Thanks for responding. Yes, they have consequences for poor behavior. Typically they lose TV time or outside time with friends, video game time for my son, and for my daughter she’ll lose her rubbie for the night….her piece of satin that she cherishes to rub when she sucks her thumb.
They both have chores, they just grumble about them constantly. My son empties the trash twice a week. They both empty the dishwasher and my son reloads. My son folds his own clothes and puts them away and my daughter folds washcloths, separates out her clothes and is learning to fold her socks. My son vacuums, my daughter dusts and wipes down the doorknobs.They both make their beds, but it’s a half baked job on both their parts. My son can also clean the bathroom, but as with everything he does, it is with a half baked effort so he ends up having to go back and fix or do things over because he was rushing and/or too lazy to do it right the first time.
I am working on putting together a very clear and easy to follow chore system based on ideas I’ve found on http://www.titus2.com. Until I get it together I haven’t added anything new because I don’t want to do that until I roll out our new system.
I’ve watched some of Sonya’s videos where she talks about changing one behavior at a time and I honestly don’t know where I’d want to start! I’ll probably have to order the program as it sounds like it could be a big help to me. Thanks again.
I don’t have but 2 children-7 and 5 this week! I think it is pretty normal to have bickering between siblings! Although, it is not allowed in this house! We implement ALL the time Bible verses and how would Jesus act?. Just yesterday, they had to stand in the corner for mistreating each other. They do not like this at all! I don’t have all the answers..I am constantly trying to mold and show the right way for my children. It takes time, when yelling is so much easier to do!
My kids sometimes whine about doing certain things…the moment they do we try to nip it in the bud!! NO WAY will I have bad attitudes! Talking back gets hot sauce or vinegar on the tongue! Along with a Bible verse. Are my kids perfect? NOPE! Do they still have problems? YEP! Training is a constant thing! It can be very tedious especially on days where you feel like nothing is getting through!
I learned a lot from Lisa Whelchel’s Creative Correction book. She has several punishments outlined for certain behaviors. And she uses the Bible a lot! I hope this helps!
Bless you! I am right there with you! You are not alone!
2flowerboys,
Thanks for letting me know I am not alone because sometimes it sure feels like it!
I haven’t looked at any of Lisa Whelchel’s (Blair…couldn’t help it!) stuff yet. I know she’s a homeschooler so I’ll have to check her out. I’ve never heard of or tried vinegar or hot sauce for talking back – I like it! Knowing my kids though they’d probably come to enjoy that type of punishment…my kids are weird.
Thanks for the feedback. I really need it. Take care!
Hi,
I, too, have children that behave that way. I have said the exact same things you are saying. I don’t know how to do it! I don’t know why I dont’ know. What is missing in me that other people seem to have that enables them to wisely discipline and calmly handle situations. I have to yell just to get them to hear me. They 6, and 9, feed off of each other and get so silly that there is no other way to get their attention. I am also at my wits end and feel like I am failing too. I need to somehow learn to discipline these kids and myself! But I do not know where to start either. Feeling your frustration and glad to know I am not alone either.
Nancy
While I don’t have this issue with my kids, I do have a book recommendation for you. Check out the book – Raising Godly Tomatoes. You can read it free online (at least you could at one time). It is full of practical advice and helps.
Grace and peace,
Christie
Another thing is Doorposts, they have an If…Then Chart. I believe the Maxwells from Titus 2 recomend it or maybe it was on laying down the rails. I have the chart. If my sons complain then I double the amount of work. This goes for everything from school to chores. If he complains about a chore I give another thing to do. If he complains about math I give him 2 sheets instead of one. I really like the Chore book from the Maxwells. I have a friend with 5 boys that uses this and loves it. You no longer have to nag or remind because you tie it around their neck and they have it with them.
For Laying Down the Rails, it sounds like you may want to get it and start with Obedience. One major thing they tell you is give them a reason, a biblical scripture if you can. The Doorpost Chart lists a scripture with every behavior.
We just found and started Character Building for Families as our morning bible study. I really like this, it starts with Obedience. You go over the Definition then our Scripture to memorize are Eph 6:1 and Col 3:20. I told them they are not to obey me because I said so, but because God says so. Here is the link; there are sample lessons
http://www.fullgospelfamily.com/
You are not alone. I am with you all the way. I have 6 kido’s whom I love very much, but I sure don’t show it well at all lately (NO lets be honest for a long time). I know where I get mine from. My mom, she treated me like this all the time, and now I don’t have a great releationship with her, I have an ok one. I didn’t want that for my kids so I keep trying to start over. BUT that’s what I feel like, that I have to keep starting over. I am impatient, short fused and don’t understand why they want to know everything I am doing 100% of the time (was an only child part of this I think comes from that) so I’m snotty with them.
Tears run down my eyes when I read this and your post, cause I am with you and wish we could hug {{}}. I have read Raising Godly Tomatoes, and it is a great read, I will reread it again. I have laying down the rails also good but I liked the simpleness (is that a word??) of Raising Godly Tomatoes. Sometimes I wonder why I can’t be calm, patient and understanding with my children.. And I know why cause I have taught them to be me (“tears”), and I don’t like me lately. And it’s hard to get past that to the point where you like you and them. I spend every morning with the Lord asking for patience etc, I know he’s giving it but for some reason I just can’t reach it.
You are not alone. I feel for you. I hope you get it soon, and can pass it on to me. Blessings, Misty
Oh, I just thought of another great read, Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit by the Maxwells. This has great scripture and ideas for getting rid of the anger in your heart.
Ladies,
I am so very touched by all of the openness and honesty you are sharing with me. It means a lot because I truly have felt that I have been riding this “Bad Mom” rollercoaster by myself. And deep down I know I’m not a “bad” mom, but I am a mom who has some learning and growing to do just as my children do. I guess I just find it challenging trying to rear these young pups when this old dog needs to learn some new tricks at the same time.
To Lamasahm: A friend of mine once shared that in dealing with her 5-year-old she was constantly praying for “patience” and a friend of hers told her that if she continues to pray for “patience” she will continue to be put in situations that will require her to be “patient” but that may not teach her how to handle the situation. She said instead pray for “temperance” as this will help you handle those situations in which you need to be “patient” more effectively. That has been my prayer recently. Some days I do well with it, some days not, but I thought I’d pass that on. And I am definitely hugging you back!
I will take the time to look at all of these resources you all have given me. I am also grateful that for those others who were honest and shared they are facing similar challenges that these resources have been shared so that they can be of help to them too. Thank you all again.
krw
I’m with you, too. It’s often difficult. My kids are good, but sometimes get a little out of control. I have found what sets it off, though. I can tell you what has seemed to work with my kids. Take it for what it’s worth. I just wrote whatever came out below in rough form, so please don’t take any of this as a judgemetn. it’s partly for me to apply these things more, but I know they’re important. Here they are:
Life is meant to be fun. Doing chores should be too. Try to make cleanup time light-hearted. Use a lot of praise, but also surprise them with occasional tickles and play with something they’re interested in. Make jokes and talk to them. Make it fun, and they will learn for the rest of their lives to “whistle while they work.” I wouldn’t try to teach them that God wants them to do unpleasant things. I would try to teach them that nasty consequences occur when bad choices are made. And God just wants them to avoid nasty consequences, so He wants them to do those things. When they make bad choices, it’s not God punishing them, it’s just consequences. On the same token, make sure they know it’s not YOU punishing them. It’s NOT you against them. It’s you AND them against negative consequences. You’re on the same team. Always make them feel this way and they will trust you.
EXPLANATION of why you do things (whenever possible) is terribly important. Explain to them how a household works. Ask them what they think would happen if chores weren’t done. Explain the importance of different roles and pulling your own weight. When home-schooling, incorporate teachings about roles in another culture: from an indian tribe, for example, where some people gather firewood, others get fish, others clean the dishes and cook etc. and explain that the indians would die if everybody didn’t do their chores. If they say it would be more fun to be an indian, tell them that the little indian boys would say the same thing about YOUR life! Also, explain to them about your need for play time. Explain that you feel sad and angry when you need to clean up everything. Tell them that you work so hard, even after they’re in bed (or before they get up) so they can have food and toys and a warm house and bed. Express your feelings in a way that elicits EMPATHY from them, but NOT PASSING JUDGMENT ON THEM FOR NOT SHOWING YOU EMPATHY. Just solicit their empathy in a face-to-face talk.
Don’t nag. Nagging places a negative spirit on the whole task of doing chores, cementing in their minds the idea that chores are unpleasant.
Remember that kids don’t “get” the obvious things that we adults “get,” and so need detailed explanation of chores so that it is clear in their heads what you’re asking. IF they make a mistake, once again, keep it lighthearted but firmly explain their error. Everyone likes to feel useful. If they don’t like working, perhaps when they do work they’re not feeling appreciated enough? (but that’s just one thing.)
Praise helps.
Be their friend/ Be on their team. Avoid control wars. You’re on the same team. This goes back to the ROLES concept above. Also, If they don’t want to do something, show empathy. Tell them how you sometimes feel the same way. Ask them why they feel that way. Get down to their level. They will listen to your input if they know you are brainstorming for their best good. Explain to them *lovingly* that by learning to do chores now they will be happier in life. Life will be easier. Teach them they can control their moods. Teach them that with practice, their little minds will learn to like the chores.
Nobody wants to serve a tyrant, and you shouldn’t blame them for that! (I’m not saying you’re a tyrant)
Will all of that said, there NEED to be consequences. Like clockwork. NATURAL and LOGICAL ones (i.e. so the focus is not on you administering the punishment, but they have to spend extra time cleaning up their mess, for example, which means they miss their favorite TV show or whateber). But they need to be discussed ahead of time in a calm manner. Weekly meetings together where rules are discussed are a good time. Again, the TEAM concept is important here. Everyone DISCUSSES together what they like and don’t like about the way things are running. Clear up any concerns. Make rules. You’re in charge, but let them have ownership of the rules as well. If dear daughter doesn’t like the treatement she’s getting from son, discuss that, and lovingly talk to him about his feelings behind why he does it. Apologize that you have set a bad example, and explain what that example is and then what Jesus’s example was and how you’re trying to change and ask them to lovingly remind you if you’re not acting like that and tell them you’ll do the same. Make rules whenever necessary to reinforce the discussions. Hopefully this way DS will get to experience empathy for his sister. Whining is a problem at our house, but what has nipped it in the past is a “circle chart” with 20 circles they each get once a week. Whenever they whine, I cross off a circle. At the next meeting (when we have it!) I give them a penny for each circle they have left. They both love pennies, so this works well.
The most difficult thing about all of this, though, are the immense demands that we all are expected to perform in modern life. I know it’s not easy. Planning discussion time weekly is not easy. Neither is being patient. There are a lot of psychological factors going on in patience. Maybe you need more patience, but maybe you just need to be easier on yourself. Maybe you need a different schedule. Maybe you need play dates. Pray and ask God what you need, and he’ll send you the information quickly. Like you said in your last post, you may not need what you think you do!
Good luck. Thank you so much for being so honest and open. It’ people like you who progress the most in this life because you’re willing to expose your “weakness” and get others’ help for it. Maybe I haven’t said much to help you, but writing this has certainly helped ME, so THANK YOU.
Nick
Nick – love your post, this is basically what I would recommend as well – I now have teenagers, and we raised them along the same lines you mention – we had weekly meetings, everyone knew what they had to do chore wise and what consequences would be if the chores were not done. A privilege was removed, or extra chores were given – it only happened a couple of times, and I usually worked alongside them, doing chores as well. I also taught them exactly how to do the chore – and only gave them jobs they were capable of for their age, This worked well for us and they are now diligent young ladies. I too suffer from a lack of patience at times, but when I felt that happening I would remove myself from the situation for a little while and refresh myself (cup of tea works nicely), then go back when I was calmer. To this day we still have weekly meetings, but now they are usually one on one time, to discuss any issues they have, and to have special time together. I have not had to resort to any kind of physical punishment – I was not raised that way, and never saw the need. I did however make sure privileges were removed and followed through everytime. The girls and I have a great relationship and I think that is mainly because there was discipline, but it was always extra work, or having to give up something they loved to do, or an outing they were looking forward to and never me punishing them in any other kind of way. It is really hard sometimes, but for someone who is quick to temper as I am, I realised when I had children that I would need to remove myself from the situation when I felt it flaring and cool off, if I ever did yell at them – I always said sorry that mummy should not have done that, that there was no need to yell, we just needed to talk about the issue. The girls have turned into lovely young ladies who are extremely empathetic and kind, and our relationship is as close as the one I had with my own mother. My mum always said, break them down with kindness and a loving discipline – don’t make enemies of them, work with them. That is what I have done and I must say the kindness thing works beautifully. So for those like me who lack patience and have tempers, try and do what my mum taught me, take yourself away from the situation, calm down and look and see where you can build your relationship and where maybe misunderstandings are arising. Children in general want to help us, they are great willing little souls, sometimes we just don’t show them how in the correct way – and expect things they cannot do. Be gentle with yourself and with them, that is my motto to live by.
So often we feel like we’re the only homeschool mom who feels like we’re failing in some way. But the truth is, we all feel like this at some time. I’m blessed by the courage of all of you to be transparent and by the support and encouragement so many of you have displayed. We too deal with children whose hearts are less than loving toward each other at times which leads to impatience on my part. I’m curious to know what consequences some of you have invoked for fighting among siblings.
I have to clarify that after punishment that I do sit them down and talk about what they did wrong and why it was wrong. Most of the time I can ask, Why do you think you are being punished? This way, they own up to their own mistakes and realize…yes, I did wron and I should have a consequence for that wrong. We share a prayer for forgiveness and some times a verse from the Bible that clarifies it. Such as lying ……One of commandments says Do Not Lie. …Proverbs 12:22 The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in a man who is truthful. Seeing what God says about the wrong is important. It is not me who is telling you it is wrong..it is God.
Like I said the book Creative Correction is a great guide with punishments and tools to use for all kinds of misbehaviors instead of yelling/spanking all the time! In the book, there is a toolbox section for sibling rivalry, attitudes, lying, whining, etc… Along with the appropriate verses.
For Fighting among siblings, one suggestion is to have one sibling to serve the other for the day. After resolving the fight. Another is to use play handcuffs to handcuff them together go in a room and not come out until they have made up, are laughing, and telling each other they love one another. (i think this is good for older siblings) Another is coming to the middle of the room and hug each other until they laugh. Always make them ask for forgiveness after they see their wrong. There are so many other good ones in the book.
Like the title says…these are “creative” ways to handle punishments. But it never forgets to guide them to in doing right and why what they did is wrong behavior. Boy! it does take time to guide…and can be tedious…sometimes not knowing if it is working or not. But, knowing that in the future it will show! And giving it over to God!
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