I’m with you, too. It’s often difficult. My kids are good, but sometimes get a little out of control. I have found what sets it off, though. I can tell you what has seemed to work with my kids. Take it for what it’s worth. I just wrote whatever came out below in rough form, so please don’t take any of this as a judgemetn. it’s partly for me to apply these things more, but I know they’re important. Here they are:
Life is meant to be fun. Doing chores should be too. Try to make cleanup time light-hearted. Use a lot of praise, but also surprise them with occasional tickles and play with something they’re interested in. Make jokes and talk to them. Make it fun, and they will learn for the rest of their lives to “whistle while they work.” I wouldn’t try to teach them that God wants them to do unpleasant things. I would try to teach them that nasty consequences occur when bad choices are made. And God just wants them to avoid nasty consequences, so He wants them to do those things. When they make bad choices, it’s not God punishing them, it’s just consequences. On the same token, make sure they know it’s not YOU punishing them. It’s NOT you against them. It’s you AND them against negative consequences. You’re on the same team. Always make them feel this way and they will trust you.
EXPLANATION of why you do things (whenever possible) is terribly important. Explain to them how a household works. Ask them what they think would happen if chores weren’t done. Explain the importance of different roles and pulling your own weight. When home-schooling, incorporate teachings about roles in another culture: from an indian tribe, for example, where some people gather firewood, others get fish, others clean the dishes and cook etc. and explain that the indians would die if everybody didn’t do their chores. If they say it would be more fun to be an indian, tell them that the little indian boys would say the same thing about YOUR life! Also, explain to them about your need for play time. Explain that you feel sad and angry when you need to clean up everything. Tell them that you work so hard, even after they’re in bed (or before they get up) so they can have food and toys and a warm house and bed. Express your feelings in a way that elicits EMPATHY from them, but NOT PASSING JUDGMENT ON THEM FOR NOT SHOWING YOU EMPATHY. Just solicit their empathy in a face-to-face talk.
Don’t nag. Nagging places a negative spirit on the whole task of doing chores, cementing in their minds the idea that chores are unpleasant.
Remember that kids don’t “get” the obvious things that we adults “get,” and so need detailed explanation of chores so that it is clear in their heads what you’re asking. IF they make a mistake, once again, keep it lighthearted but firmly explain their error. Everyone likes to feel useful. If they don’t like working, perhaps when they do work they’re not feeling appreciated enough? (but that’s just one thing.)
Praise helps.
Be their friend/ Be on their team. Avoid control wars. You’re on the same team. This goes back to the ROLES concept above. Also, If they don’t want to do something, show empathy. Tell them how you sometimes feel the same way. Ask them why they feel that way. Get down to their level. They will listen to your input if they know you are brainstorming for their best good. Explain to them *lovingly* that by learning to do chores now they will be happier in life. Life will be easier. Teach them they can control their moods. Teach them that with practice, their little minds will learn to like the chores.
Nobody wants to serve a tyrant, and you shouldn’t blame them for that! (I’m not saying you’re a tyrant)
Will all of that said, there NEED to be consequences. Like clockwork. NATURAL and LOGICAL ones (i.e. so the focus is not on you administering the punishment, but they have to spend extra time cleaning up their mess, for example, which means they miss their favorite TV show or whateber). But they need to be discussed ahead of time in a calm manner. Weekly meetings together where rules are discussed are a good time. Again, the TEAM concept is important here. Everyone DISCUSSES together what they like and don’t like about the way things are running. Clear up any concerns. Make rules. You’re in charge, but let them have ownership of the rules as well. If dear daughter doesn’t like the treatement she’s getting from son, discuss that, and lovingly talk to him about his feelings behind why he does it. Apologize that you have set a bad example, and explain what that example is and then what Jesus’s example was and how you’re trying to change and ask them to lovingly remind you if you’re not acting like that and tell them you’ll do the same. Make rules whenever necessary to reinforce the discussions. Hopefully this way DS will get to experience empathy for his sister. Whining is a problem at our house, but what has nipped it in the past is a “circle chart” with 20 circles they each get once a week. Whenever they whine, I cross off a circle. At the next meeting (when we have it!) I give them a penny for each circle they have left. They both love pennies, so this works well.
The most difficult thing about all of this, though, are the immense demands that we all are expected to perform in modern life. I know it’s not easy. Planning discussion time weekly is not easy. Neither is being patient. There are a lot of psychological factors going on in patience. Maybe you need more patience, but maybe you just need to be easier on yourself. Maybe you need a different schedule. Maybe you need play dates. Pray and ask God what you need, and he’ll send you the information quickly. Like you said in your last post, you may not need what you think you do!
Good luck. Thank you so much for being so honest and open. It’ people like you who progress the most in this life because you’re willing to expose your “weakness” and get others’ help for it. Maybe I haven’t said much to help you, but writing this has certainly helped ME, so THANK YOU.
Nick