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Fear
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Hi,
I’m looking forward to some input for our 9yo son. He is fearful in circumstances that can make his life miserable and make things very difficult (and sometimes dangerous) for the rest of us. He will not go into the basement alone, he will not step away from the light in the barn. He will not go outside by himself. He will not go to bed when his older brother is not home (they share a room). He will not return downstairs by himself to retrieve something when we’ve all headed upstairs for the night.
This is a sampling and it really gets us into some pickles at times because, as you know, when you have lots going on you just need the child to do what needs to be done…period.
He is a believer and we have gone over the author of fear and the Conqueror of fear many, many times. We’ve prayed. I’m made him do something and he agonizes himself into a frenzy. I’ve responded at times with a reprieve, or most often lately with “Obedience will get you through anything; just do it.” This has helped in certain circumstances, not all, not even most.
Here is a scenario just from this evening: My older son (20yo), the next one (12yo) and this little fella were doing chores at the barn. It was dark by the time they got over there and the pump was not working, the goat got out, and so the oldest was working with the pump and the next was trying to corral the goat–just one of those moments when you really need all hands on deck. The 9yo needed to walk 5 feet away from the light and get a cup of grain so that the goat could be fetched. He refused. It was hairy for the other two people.
I can come up with other examples, but I’m sure you understand the limitations and hardships it can put on us all. Can you hear my frustration? The 12yo is getting pretty resentful (his sin, I know, but I do so understand) and I am counseling him to be compassionate, praying for his brother because fear is bondage. Also, I told him that when he is in a position where he needs his brother to act and he refuses that he needs to just walk away and come get a parent. That will result in shrieks and tears, but I don’t know what else to do because I cannot be everywhere at the same time (only toddlers have that ability 🙂 ).
Thanks, I’ve been lengthy, but I was trying to give you a correct picture. Looking forward to some advice!
Blessings,
Cindy
This is a tough problem. Is your son afraid of the dark, being left alone, or both? If being afraid of the dark is the biggest issue maybe a simple solution such as his own bright flashlight that he can carry with him would be enough to help him. For doing outside chores, maybe one of the lights you can strap to your forehead like a miner could be an option.
Sorry I don’t have any more ideas other than what you have tried already. I hope others can give you some better ideas.
Both, I’d say, because he can go in his room and keep the lights on if he wants when his brother is not there. I hadn’t thought of the headlamp; that may help one area. Sometimes I feel manipulated with this.
Hi Cindy, I looked up fear in the dictionary and found the following:
FEAR, v. i. To be in apprehension of evil; to be afraid; to feel anxiety on account of some expected evil.
Webster, Noah: Noah Webster’s First Edition of An American Dictionary of the English Language. Anaheim, CA : Foundation for American Christian Education, 2006
Maybe you can get him to express what he expects to happen when he is fearful and then begin to dismantle his theory. If he can see that there isn’t anything “out to get him” then maybe he’ll see that the dark is merely neutral and can’t hurt him. Just a thought and I’ll pray for your little guy today.
Brooke
Cindy, dear, I asked my husband what he might suggest and the first thing he said was, “What has he been watching?” Now, this is one of those times when typing does us a disservice. Please understand my heart and hear those words in a loving-we’re-all-in-this-together-trying-to-come-alongside-and-help-you-figure-out-any-potential-cause-and-find-a-solution tone of voice. Not at all a judgmental mindset. I’m sure you have wonderful standards for what your boys watch. Is it possible that somehow, somewhere he has seen some images that might be triggering this fear?
I’m praying for you and your whole family — especially for wisdom. I know what you mean about wondering if you’re being manipulated sometimes or if it is indeed an issue that calls for sensitivity and grace. If we could only know what they’re thinking!
Cindy- I don’t have many thoughts for you, as we are going through similar situations with DD who is 8.5. I was finally at wits end, and what came to me personally was “pray Christina pray.” I think Sonya may have a very valid point, as HS moms, I believe we strive for something diff than just what the secular world wants for our children, and sometimes, a hold can come on them from other sources without us knowing about them, or realizing the impact…perhaps seeing somehting on tv, internet, or even just hearing the news! Sometimes driving in the car, listening to the traffic report can get to their tender little hearts. How is DS sleeping at night?
I’ll be praying for you as well. *hugs*
Christina
Sonya, I can take it! 🙂 Seriously, that is a very valid point. As the older ones get older it becomes harder to protect the younger ones from more serious content (whether it’s a movie, the news while we’re driving around town, conversations around the dinner table about world affairs…). I appreciate the reminder to be more careful myself and clue in others to be more sensitive as well.
I’m trying to think about movies he watches…I always assume we can do better there because it is such a hard area short of just turning it off (which I would love but which takes more than just me saying so). Off the top of my head, responding to your post, he watches some action movies, the History and Discovery channels, Animal Planet, some things that slip in that sounded good but turned out bad (yes, we turn them off)…and these not every day.
On the whole, Christina, he sleeps fine, though there are rare nights when he cannot sleep because of fear that he says he doesn’t know what it’s about or just plain can’t sleep.
You have helped me! As I have been typing, I’m thinking his fears may very well be founded in, unfortunately, reality. That will help me to counsel him in trusting the Lord, and give me direction on how to pray for him, how to train other children, and how to submit all these thoughts to my husband.
This actually ties into another thought I have been pondering and maybe we can discuss this one as well: In his book, Homemaking, J.R. Miller writes:
“Whatever parents may do for their children, they should at least make their childhood sunny and tender. Their young lives are so delicate that harshness may mar their beauty for ever, and so sensitive that every influence that falls upon them leaves its trace, which grows into the character either as a grace or a blemish. A happy childhood stores away sunshine in the chambers of the heart which brightens the life to its close. An unhappy childhood may so fill the life’s fountains with bitterness as to sadden all the after years.”
So, in that vein, what are you doing to make your child’s life ‘sunny and tender?’ How do you proactively protect them from the harshness of reality in our world without making them callous? Also, a cm education seems to be so right in light of this quote, don’t you think? Okay, I’ll hush now. I’m at home from church with a sick child this morning who is resting…too much time on my hands! Time to get productive!!
Blessings (and so glad you are doing well, Christina – get lots of rest!),
Cindy
Cindy, I hesitated to post because I’m not sure I can be all that helpful. He is nine and that is still pretty young. But I have to confess that I was troubled with a spirit of fear from my childhood into my adult years. I went from fears of the dark and being alone to being afraid to drive or even call someone on the telephone. A lot of it was originally rooted in my environment–things I’m sure your son has never been exposed to. But while it seems to me this problem can initially begin with an outside environment, it sort of takes on “a life of its own” inside the heart.
The bottom line for me was that I had to realize that I was not trusting God. One of the things I had to do was to literally make a few Bible verses a constant refrain. It’d be funny, I’d be trying to convince myself to make a left turn (something that caused me a lot of fear) and repeating to myself “God hath not given me a spirit of fear” and other verses. It was critical to me to realize that the fear that was oppressing me was from the Enemy of my soul and that God did not want me to be afraid. Who is more powerful, God or Satan? I mean, I intellectually knew the answer to that one, but I had to get that answer down in my heart, and it took a little while. I had to realize that I was actually allowing Satan reign in my heart by “feeding” my fears. I have found it helpful to verbally say something like “I choose not to let Satan force me to fear. Jesus Christ is more powerful than Satan, and He loves me. I WILL NOT FEAR.”
I suspect that passages of Scripture that really help are very personal. But I will share “my” chapter. Romans Ch. 8. It’s like my “security blanket.
I don’t know how helpful any of this will be with a child so young. I don’t know if it would have helped me much at that age.
Michelle D
My son, who is also 8 has an overactive imagination, is visual, has always been cautious by nature and a father who has his own fear issues that have been passed down. He really benefits from the verses he’s memorized that fight fear (two he learned from Bibleman!) and one about pride and generosity, since those are his other major areas of weakness.
I beleive it is Scripture that ultimately changes the heart. It was King David who said, “Thy Word have I hidden in my heart, that I might not sin against thee”
Also, it’s helped to take from the standpoint of a battle; against Satan, the liar and Adversary, based on James 4:7. That’s spiritual warfare,wearing the armor of G-d though and not fleshly, but it appeals to the heart of a warrior for G-d!
These are a couple of the verses.
“G-d has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.” (I like to lay hands on my on’s head especially with this one)
“Perfect Love casts out fear.” Of course, G-d’s perfect Love through His Son.
Also, there’s one about submitting ones immaginations to the Lordship of Yeshua/Jesus (I’m paraphrasing) that is great to memorize and pray over him, I just can’t find it.
Also, verses about trusting in the L-rd.
Verses about victory.
I know it’s hard, but being with him initially in these situations to get him into the habit of meditating on these out loud in the midst of a situation is a good way to start him moving in the direction of conquering. Do some ‘practice sessions’ and roll playing?
My son also has a big dog which helps him, too.
Hope this gives some ideas. Search the Scripture (or praying books with prayers according to subject) and compile some verses to start with.
Rachel
Thank you all for your responses. I will prayerfully consider what you have shared. Michelle, thanks so much for sharing your own struggles; it is a blessing to see you ministering to my family through your own trials.
Blessings,
Cindy
Cindy,
We have had issues like this with our own children. To the point that they would not even take out the trash and we had lights on outside. My husband finally took a stand and made them do things that put them into the situations. First it was just dealing with the obedience side. Dad tells you to do something you do it. Once they did it they then took the time to talk about how they did get through it and how they can do it again and again. It took quite a few times with one of our boys.
As a mom it was hard for me to watch them cry and cry due to the fear but I am grateful now that they have found that God can and will get them through those fearful difficult times.
I will be praying that the Lord will grant you the wisdom and patience needed to handle the situation.
Well, Shanna, that is funny because this morning I had something that needed to go down into the basement and I casually handed it to him and said, “Please go put this ‘all the way away’ in the basement” – meaning, you better not just toss it down the stairs! I noticed a quizzical look but went about my business. I have never heard little feet running down and back up stairs like I did his. I had to go somewhere and giggle. But he did it!!! Praise the Lord!!!
Praise the Lord! I hope He provides more situations for your son to fall on Him and learn that He will protect him from fear.
Dear Cindy, I’m wondering if any of the wise women here know of any books or stories that tell the story of someone overcoming fear that you could read to your son. I don’t have any great ideas off the top of my head…. I have prayed for you and your family to be able to look back with more joy and giggles. I laugh with my oldest about the time I “made” her go to the meat counter by herself and get a pound of bologna, an idea which seemed pretty scary to her at the time. Also, I wonder if there’s any way you could ever create some opportunities for “fun” in conjunction with the scary thing – like a little surprise in the basement or barn. Of course this could not be a routine, but maybe somehow it could help get over a hump. And then it seems like there’s some quote from some “brave” person about how everyone feels fear, but courage is doing what needs to be done while you feel that fear.
May God bless you with wisdom, patience, and humor!!! Nancy
Thought I’d just add this comment. I can’t remember for sure how old I was, but I know it was somewhere between the ages of 10 to 18. I don’t know how long it lasted, either, but it seemed like forever! I’ve always loved to read, and somewhere I got ahold of a scary book – actually , I think it was one of Albert Payson Terhune’s books, where he tells about one of his dogs sensing a deceased dog. He’s a good writer, and I loved his stories; most of them are excellent. However, this awoke a tremendous fear in me. I believe there were other sources of that fear; it wasn’t all just that book. It got to the point that I was absolutely terrified when it got dark. I was scared to death I’d see one of the dogs we’d buried out back (pets that were old or got sick.) It was so bad I even thought it would be better to die before it got dark, but I knew because of my Christian upbringing that wasn’t an option. Unfortunately, I was irrationally afraid of being laughed at (I had a very good Mom), and so I never told anyone. I’d sleep all night with the light on, and at the worst point I actually took to sleeping in the same room as Mom. (Dad had died when I was younger, and my older sibs were already on their own). I finally came out by praying and singing whenever I’d begin to get afraid – good, scriptural songs. I guess my point is this- fear breeds fear, and left alone will only get worse. I’m glad I learned I learned that lesson as a child, instead of as an adult. I’m so glad you’re helping your son with this, and I’m so thankful that Jesus delivered me from that awful fear. He’ll do the same for your son.
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