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Don't know what to do with rebellious, disrespectful child…
- This topic has 22 replies, 15 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 6 months ago by
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I am sure majority of it is how I parent. But I am truly at a loss. I have been working on the habit of obedience after reading laying down the rails…but feel like a complete failure. Today my 5 yr old son would flat out refuse to do anything I ask him….I have tried spanking, natural consequences, etc no matter want the consequence is he then becomes even more disrespectful and throws major fits..,throwing things around the room…etc. I have been counting to 3 after I ask him to do something and I only started that so he would have a concept of how to obey promptly. He has ADHD symptoms. He also, has started to have a very bad attitude towards school work. He really rebels against all authority. Help!
Hugs!
It sounds like you have a rebellion issue, not an obedience issue. Counting is not something you should do because it teaches the child to obey AFTER counting or because there is a threat involved. If I were in your shoes, I would not give him any other options but to obey or be put in time-out. If you tell him to do something and he refuses, promptly pick him up and put him in a safe, boring place. No books, no TV, no toys, nothing. He is only able to leave time-out when HE decides to do what he was told with a “yes ma’am!” to boot. If you have to do this 50 times a day for a week, it WILL eventually sink in that you are serious about his obedience and will not tolerate disrespect or rebellion.
Stay calm, don’t yell or get flustered with him. Just give a command, and if it isn’t promptly obeyed, calmly and gently remove him to the designated time-out spot, telling him that he may get up when he has chosen to obey. And, this is not to sound harsh, but don’t try using ADHD symptoms as an excuse of sorts for his behavior. Our dd exhibited ADD/ADHD behaviors for a long time before we discovered that she had sensory processing disorder. It is frustrating for parents and child, but even a child with these behaviors can be taught to be obedient and respectful.
I am of the opinion that if you calmly make his life miserable as possible and show him that he’s bringing it upon himself, he will have no other choice but to change his behavior. It takes consistency and patience to break this habit, but it is possible and you can do it!
I will be praying for you. I know how hard this is and what a failure you feel like, but you are NOT!
Blessings,
Lindsey
ETA: Also, check his diet for food sensitivities. Our dd was a different person when we removed artificial food colorings and flavors from her diet, as well as processed sugar, MSG, and other additives. And, children with sensory issues or ADD/ADHD thrive on good sleep, good food, and a consistent routine. I have seen what a difference these make in the overall attitude and happiness of my children, and we place a priority on those three things above everything else for their well-being.
Thanks for the response! So, do I just let him hit and kick everything around him, and talk ugly while he is in time out?
My son also has very little self control/boundaries. He just doesn’t know when enough is enough…in everything he does…eating, playing rough, calling names, pestering… I put limits on these things, but thn when I try to trust him with any of it, he displays very little self control.
You may think I am harsh but I would take everything away from him first. This would include friends as well as any private time as well. (I have even gone so far as to take my son’s door off of his room when I felt that he was no longer responding to the other consequences given him). I would then keep him with me for a while. Everywhere you are, he is. You would need to be very disciplined and consistent with this. He would not be permitted to go off and play alone, you would need to allow only very basic things to have him be entertained. I’m talking about a pencil and paper, an approved book perhaps, outside time with you, etc. No toys, no electronics unless it was absolutely needed for schooling. Gently correct every wrong as you see it happening. if he does not respond to your gentle verbal correction, he can sit alone and in silence (with you still close by) until he understands and is willing to admit to whatever wrong thing was done. After a couple of weeks, reasses his attitude. If he is showing significant improvement then you can tell him that he may start earning back his privileges/toys one at a time.
He needs to know that you are the one in charge, here. But he should also gain respect for you during this time and your relationship should start to heal as you talk together more and spend so much more of your time closely together.
This is what I would do. I know it works, as I have used it. I think others on this forum have done other, similar things as well.
-Miranda
I was typing at the same time as Lindsey. I want to second the advice she gave about food. Also, my ds has sensory processing issues among other things that can make it a struggle for him at times, but like Lindsey said, they CAN have good healthy attitudes and behaviours as well. I think wrong attitudes and behaviours need to be “nipped in the bud” right away, though. They mature into some very ugly things VERY quickly in children with these types of issues (my personal experience, anyway).
I have no advice!
But I’m reading a great book right now called “Teach Them Diligently” by Lou Priolo – which talks about giving scriptural names to behaviors. So ADD is really anger and rebellion. And then once you have named it in biblical terms, you’re supposed to look it up in the Bible and find those scriptures and using those teach your child.
I’m learning a lot from the book – mostly how I need to hide the scriptures in my heart so that God can work in me and how I need to keep having my children memorize scriptures so that we can talk about the issues that are happening in our house.
It’s definitely a call to parental responsibility — not an easy thing to hear when you’re hoping for a quick checklist to fix something that’s wrong.
Best wishes! Parenting is hard, that’s for sure. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t always enjoy it!
Echoing Lindsey and. Linabean. I HIGHLY recommend the website (free) and book Raising Godly Tomatoes. Blessings, christie
I have an ADHD child who has been formally diagnosed this year at age 8.
First please realize, that if your child is truly ADHD, then expecting him to respond with perfect obedience with a good attitude like a child who is extremely compliant is not going to be the reality in your or his life at this time. However, you can get there.
Address the diet. We did a full removal of all the additives that mentioned by LindseyB. My child’s issue are specific to food dyes. She states that Red dye #40 makes her feel “sparkly”. Now that she has been off it , it frustrates her when she eats or drinks something with it. She usually decides to just go to her room since she knows that she has little control over her responses when “on” Red Dye.
I have found that for my child, the more that I demanded the less amount of compliance from her I achieved. The more I coached and encouraged her, the better our relationship and the better she responded. I would tell her that I was on her “team” as we worked on creating the type of environment that she needed to succeed.
What is it that you are wanting your little guy to do obediently?
I agree that Raising Godly Tomatoes could help. She talks about outlasting the child in it. You keep directing the child in a firm, calm manner and keep on. Do not give in. I have my children stand still in the corner, hands in pocket and no talking. I used a timer one min. per age. I do not use the corner much any more. But they do not start their time until standing still quietly. Then we talk afterwards, a good time to share Scripture.
Lately I have been reading Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman. I think it could help for you to read, if you are not speaking his primary love language but don’t realize it. This is not a question of if you love him, but if he feels loved.
Asking again ~ the original poster asked, but I didn’t see anyone respond to it…. What do you do if the child won’t sit or stand in the corner and is kicking, hitting and screaming? Or is that why some of you were recommending the Raising Godly Tomatoe book/site?
I would stay right by the child and ensure obedience. Yes, the RGT book addresses this. I have 4 kids ages 4-13 and they are all different some required longer, closer tomato staking than others. I do not have kids with ADHD, but have taught several over the years in Sunday school. In my admittedly limited experience, kids with ADHD need boundaries just the same as other kids. I will add that my kids know I’m on their side and I do encourage them, but I am not their coach, I’m their mother and that comes with more responsibility for their behavior.
I will simply say that this can be a hot button topic and encourage us to continue to share ideas with respect. As done thus far.
If the child is having a tantrum when they are supposed to be in the time out or whatever consequence it is that you are giving them, let them have it. Don’t yell, hold them, try to talk them down or any of that, you just prayerfully wait them out. Then when they are calm, you inform them that the consequence only begins when they are calm. If they go at it again, same thing. You need to do what Wings2fly mentioned and outlast them. They WILL get to tired to continue and when they do, the consequence begins. If this happens enough times, they will quickly learn that, not only does it not get them out of anything but it also took away MORE time from them and if you are calm throughout and not let them see it having an effect on you, then they won’t get any satisfaction from any sort of manipulation over you, either. You need to essentially take away all of their reasons for ever having a tantrum.
I’m not familiar enough with RGT to comment on it. Vaguely familiar with it, but don’t remember the details.
In my family, what worked for my non-ADHD kids did not work for my ADHD kid. ADHD do need boundaries, I am not disputing that fact. However, my ADHD also needed specific interventions/instructions/processes in place to help her regulate her behavior in relation to these bounderies.
By coaching, I mean noticing certain triggers and helping her to notice them and identify ways to deal with them. I’m still the mom. The mom part expects good behavior, but the coach part is willing to jump in and train her in HOW to do this. My non-ADHD kids kinda just figured out the HOW part on their own. All I had to do is be consistent and calm with the request. My ADHD needed specific instruction on the HOW piece.
In the example of a child kicking and screaming in time out. With my non-adhd kids, I would wait out the tantrum, start the time out, and then add in an extra punishment for the tantrum. These kids could figure out that X behavior meant time out so avoiding doing X behavior is the best option.
With my adhd kid, to goal would be to avoid at-all-costs getting to the point of having a kicking and screaming child. Time outs were especially non-effective with her. So for her, I had to figure out the trigger for the problem that would end up in a time out, help her see the trigger, and either encourage her to choose a different behavior or put something in place so that she could choose the best behavior. At age 8, she is pretty good at identifying triggers and suggesting changes to put in place so that she can be at her best.
I have a slightly different emphasis, although my basic advice is the same. Since all 4 of my kids have a variety of “special needs” I have had to adjust some things in my parenting over the years. I have some suggestions in addition to what has been so clearly explained previously-be consistent and persistant to outlast them.
1) Make sure there are no other issues causing problems. Is the child in an overwhelming situation or have a physial problem (allergies, nagging pain or something) that could be contributing to the behavior? For example, my daughter starts being rebellious and angry every time my stress level goes up. Of course she has to learn not to yell at everyone just because Mom had a bad day (feeling stressed myself, not yelling at anyone) but that will be taught over time. The first thing I had to do was get my stress- and hers- down so we could start addressing it from a better place. She’s sensitive- part of my job is to teach her how to manage that not put her in an emotionally compromised position.
2) Make sure they feel loved- check out that love languages book mentioned above. My youngest son’s behavior goes all wonky if I get busy and don’t fill his tank often enough. When I notice him drifiting into worse and worse behavior we go back to 10 or 15 minutes of snuggle time each day and he turns it around fast. It isnt the only factor in his behavior, but it is key to having the corrections stick.
3) Not sure how your child got the ADHD label, but you might want to check out if Sensory Processing could be a factor. My son and daughter’s occupational therapist told me that Sensory Processing problems are often misdiagnosed as ADHD becaue they can look very similar. The good news is that there are non-medication interventions that can make a HUGE difference for a sensory kid! It may be worth checking out if you have kid with challenges.
4) You mentioned you son is becoming resistant to school. I would stop all academics and focus on the habits that are so crucial now while you can. CM doesn’t reccomend starting academics until 6yo and then very gently. Interestingly, modern research backs up this reccomendation- see this link from HSLDA- http://www.hslda.org/docs/nche/Issues/S/State_Early_Education.asp Once things are on track with habits, then you can reconsider your academic plans.
5) If your son tantrums when you put him in time out try doing “time in” with him instead. He might get more upset, in which case I wouldn’t suggest putting yourself in danger of getting hit or bitten, but stay nearby if you can. Time in means he sits on your lap while he does his time. The rationale behind this is that little kids learn to regulate their emotions through their primary relationships (usually Mom). By pulling them close and allowing them to use your calm and control to maintain/regain their own control you help them learn to do it themselves. Of course, this means Mom must be calm and have well regulated emotions as well, which is somethmes the bigger challenge when jr is acting out. 🙂
6) The best parenting book I have ever seen is based both on Biblical principals and current research on brain development and our knowledge of its function. It is targeted to foster and adoptive parents who are struggling with kids with multiple challenges and who have suffered a great deal of loss, but I really feel it is applicable to every child no matter how they joined your family. The book is The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis http://empoweredtoconnect.org/book/
You can do this Mallory! We are all rooting for you!
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