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Doing some soul-searching…
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I also grew up being homeschooled and I truly think the best way is to model character and talk to your kids In honest appropriate conversations and leave the rest of to God. We can do our best but the child has to choose.
I think there has to be a balance. It cannot be heavy either way – just academics or just character training.
I grew up doing Abeka and Bob Jones, not nearly the options available. We learned a lot that prepated us for life, and there is a lot of character building in academics. Challenging your mind, completing difficult tasks, finishing what you start, focusing even when you don’t care for the subject…
As I was growing up, in the generation of homeschooling being unheard of, my mom saw families that stopped most academics and focused on Biblical studies. But as their children grew and two of them had scientific engineering minds, they realized their children were so far behind in academics. On the other side we saw families that only pushed difficult academics and the kids missed the character and heart developmemt.
We can not know where our childrens lives will take them, so we have to do our best to prepare them for what ever comes their way.
I think that a lot of the character and heart development stuff should be *life* vs. *school.* We love LDTR4C and I use it a lot, but I think it works well to define qualities and give pictures of what they look like. But for the most part, teaching my child to obey or be tidy or loving is part of “parenting” vs. part of homeschooling. And, though I love that CM gives me a lot of opportunities to teach a lot of fun things in “life,” sometimes it helps me to mentally make the distinction of what is more parenting and I would be needing to do whether or not I were homeschooling and what are the things I have to teach as a homeschool mom (like math 🙂 ).
Wow!! What a lot of wonderful responses! I haven’t had time to check back in till now. Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and thought-provoking replies!! I wish there was time to respond to each one individually… But just know that each of you had encouraged me and offered insight to ponder.
Melanie, I wonder just how similar our experiences are in this area. I think I could have said almost exactly what you did about your son.
I think one of the main lessons I’m learning, is that I’ve given my children both too much and too little freedom in the home. I’m going to be working really hard the next little while just to secure the hearts of each of my children individually… And also to find ways to promote family togetherness to a greater extent than we have it now. Which leads me to another question I want to ask you all, but maybe in a new post… 😉
AnniePeter-I can really empathize with where you’re coming from. When my son became more independent, it really through me for a loop. I had a really tough year and a half and questioned a lot of my parenting methods. Thankfully, I’m finally coming out on the other side of this struggle and I’ve learned the same as you-I allowed too much freedom in some areas and not enough in others. I have relaxed in many areas with my daughter but I also plan to be more firm in many areas as she goes through the teen years.
I’ll be praying for you and your son.
Being one of the moms just starting this journey (with my oldest turning 6 next month), I would love to hear from you moms who have said that you have been learning that you allowed too much freedom in some areas and not enough in others in raising your kids. What specifically, looking back, would you do differently? In what areas were you too relaxed and in what areas were you too strict or firm? What advice do you have for those of us in the earlier stages still? I’m looking forward to learning from you. 🙂
I wish I had been stricter about things that make for easier days, such as children who get themselves up on time, get ready for the day, do their chores without reminders, and pick up after themselves.
Hi Kristina! Nice to meet you. 🙂
When I first started homeschooling, things were very different. Homeschooling has become much more main-stream through the years. Back then, there were many homeschool gurus who wrote books and spoke at conferences and made it appear that they had all the answers. I made the mistake of listening to them instead of seeking my answers from scripture and through prayer. After reading those books and hearing those speakers, I was seized by fear. What if I did it wrong? I knew that I wanted to give my children a far different upbringing than I had experienced. So, I made many of my parenting decisions based on fear. I said no to a lot of things because of fear. I said yes to a lot of things because of fear.
I guess I can’t break it down for you and give you a list of things I should have been more strict about or areas that I should have allowed more freedom. It’s more about the heart of the issue-my motivation in making the decisions that I did make. The ones I made based on fear have never brought good fruit but the decisions I made based on scripture and prayer have been a great blessing to my family and myself.
So, these are the things I’ve learned through the years. God will never let you down. His word will never steer you wrong. But, people will. God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and love and of a sound mind. Test all things by searching the scriptures to see if the things you are being taught or told are true.
God has given your children to you and He will equip you with all you need to be the parent He has called you to be. I really believe that. Even though I see my son making some poor decisions right now, I still believe that ALL things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. He is working in my son’s heart and life and He is working in the lives of your children as well. 🙂
What a great topic! Thank you for starting it. I really appreciate the replies that have been given. I am linking a blog post I wrote a few months ago that contains my thoughts on the subject (along with lots of links to more of my thoughts! I’ve spent a lot of time really contemplating this and trying to put my ideas into action. May God give me the grace to continue to try to put these things into practice – I still have a long way to go!).
Here it is:
I was on another CM forum and this article was linked on a thread concerning screen time for children. I really enjoyed reading the article and it made me think of this thread.
http://www.charlottemasoninstitute.org/business-vs-desire-by-maura-timko/
This is exactly what I was trying to convey about being more strict in some areas and allowing more freedom in others and about fear controlling my decisions. In my case, I would have read something saying that screen time was harmful to children and all the problems it would be sure to cause if you allowed it at all. Then I would have felt fearful that my children would have those problems but I wouldn’t have been able to take away the screens completely because my husband would have been in disagreement. So, I would have responded exactly like the author of this blog post-harshly and without grace.
Thankfully, I have learned to handle my daughter the way she talks about towards the end of her post-with grace and understanding. It ties in nicely with Charlotte Mason’s teaching concerning the child being a whole person. We should treat them with the same grace that we would like others to treat us. Grace and love are what draws our hearts to the Father and they are the same things that will draw our children’s hearts towards us.
I still set screen time limits for my daughter but I am much more gentle about enforcing those limits and much more understanding when problems arise because of screen time.
The author of this author also makes a great point about setting the example. When our children are displaying poor behavior, we often don’t need to look far to see where they are seeing that behavior modeled.
Good articles again. Thank you for sharing. My thoughts are beginning to gel now on some of these issues. And I hope and believe they are Gods thoughts being revealed to me 🙂 Melanie – that article really nails it. Except I’m even worse! I have often displayed the attitude and removed the joy without ever taking it far enough to even be effective at establishing the desired limit or whatever the “goal” may be. And to your points about fear… I have felt a real lack of confidence for years that has kept me paralyzed in many areas creating similar problems. I hope I am beginning to understand a bit about stepping out in faith even when the way isn’t clear yet. I think that is the kind of faith needed… And lacking in my experience. About the too much/too little freedom issue… After much reflection over the last few days, this is how I’m seeing it… Too much freedom and too little choice. By not effectively implementing the structure I attempt to lay out for our days, I have allowed freedom from duty. Then in an effort to enforce structure and discipline, I failed to give choices about how to serve. So I let them get out of their duty, and then I stole the joy from it when I did require it! And I need to get a life! as the article just above mentions. The other nasty result of all the mess I’ve created is that even thought i love my family and duty-centered life and have found ways to find joy in or for myself…my life is not one that would appear joyful and desirable to my children, or inspire them to the full life that I hope for them! I’m going to take the advice in the article linked above, and try to get a life… Modeling better ways for my children by changing many of my own ways of going about the day. It’s hard to put out all into words. I’m not sure how helpful this is going to be to anyone else 😉 but it sure has helped me. Thank you all again!
And one more thing… I can’t encourage you all enough to keep every device that can access the internet in areas you supervise at ALL times.
Anniepeter-I responded but my response got stuck in the spam filter. I thought it might due to the nature of the discussion on internet supervision. Hopefully, it will come through sometime in the near future. 🙂
Thank you 🙂 I’ll watch for it. (But only within the new limits I’ve set for myself.) 😉 PS. I always enjoy your posts, Melanie. And thank you all for taking the time to encourage this momma again. My last post may have sounded pretty discouraging. I didn’t intend it that way… And I don’t feel that way. Is been a fall process for me the last year or so, but I have accepted where we are as being somewhere along this blessed journey the Lord is leading. And I'<span style=”line-height: 1.5;”>what do you do in your family, both individually and collectively with your children, especially those of you with large age ranges in the family, to build relationships? I’m ok</span><span style=”line-height: 1.5;”> with it…I just don’t want to stay there any longer than necessary… You all know what I mean, I’m sure!</span>
Not sure what happened there! Supposed to say, “I’m OK with it…” Without all the stuff copied between.
Anniepeter-too bad we don’t live closer. We could sit down over a hot cup of coffee and have a nice, long chat. Sounds like we have a lot in common. 🙂
I agree about the screens. Years ago, when my children were young, I remember hearing Tracy Klicka (wife to Chris Klicka of homeschool legal defense and experienced homeschool mother of many) speak at our state conference. She was very transparent about the struggles her children experienced through the years. One struggled with an eating disorder, another with pornography. I remember being terrible distressed by the talk and wondering how it was possible that well-raised, homeschooled children from Christian homes could have those struggles. I was still naïve enough to think they would never happen in my home. Fast forward through the years to a time when most of the local homeschool moms have teens and yes, pornography is a real problem-even in the best of families. Guard your child’s screen time zealously.
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