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Disorderly Kids with Company – help!!
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Re. the kitchen and sneaking food – I think you could either try Tristan’s closed kitchen policy or Lindsey’s open, but ask policy. It depends on what you prefer. We use the open but ask policy with no problems. We have regular meal and snack times, but everyone gets hungry between meals occasionally. I don’t mind on occasion.
Closed kitchen here. I make breakfast. lunch, dinner, snack and if they aren’t eating then they will get hungry at the next meal. If they are hungry it is because they didn’t eat at those times. I have noticed however, there is growth spurts. This does require extra food. They seem to eat everything and all the time. I do understand this and we have fruit and veggies and other things they can eat but only if they ask. However, if they turn this down they really aren’t hungry and are just wanting to get in the fridge. This usually stops the cookie monsters in my house. Also frozen cookies! 🙂
Thank you ladies so much for all the good advice! It helps just knowing that I am not alone :).
I do agree with many of you who feel that rough play is a part of a boy’s growing process. I know my husband definitely feels that way! But since we are in a season when he isn’t here to supervise (he is working out of state) and it seems to be getting out of hand, I had to tell the boys to nix it unless Daddy is home.
Also – probably should have mentioned that all of this occurred after a huge COOKIE BAKING extravaganza during which my kids scarfed down more sugar than they have probably ever had in their lives :). Next year I think we can paint ornaments or make cards instead! Anyway, that was the cookie problem – little man snuck into the cookies they had made while I was escorting the other mom out to the car. Not a good reason for stealing sweets, but not a regular occurrence.
I am finishing “Say Goodbye to Complaining, Whining, and Bad Attitudes in you and your kids”. It is really helping me understand how to deal with the kids in a healthier way. Since I have been on my own during this season, I have either been letting obedience slide, or really strict. It is confusing for them! So I am going to take some extra time next month just to focus on re-building good habits of obedience, order, cheerful serving, etc…
This morning we did school and a LOT of housework with no complaining. There were a few times I had to follow up on my word with my younger kids, but overall it was a good day. Thanks again for the perspective and advice! Thank God parenting is a marathon and not a sprint – I am still learning day by day!
Sorry, I’ve been down sick and its working it’s way through the kids (bad bad bad) plus my sweet grandpa just had major open heart surgery today.
You’ve gotten lots of great ideas! I just wanted to note that we do the closed kitchen and have snacks scheduled 3 times per day because we have lots of little tummies that prefer to graze than eat large meals. So at our house it is:
Breakfast 7:30am
Snack 10am
Lunch 12pm
Snack 3pm
Dinner 5pm
Snack 7pm-ish.
Open kitchens with asking can work well too, I just have so many littles that I would constantly be making snacks or food because every time one person got food a little one (or three) would ask for some too, hungry or not. One of these days I won’t have so many little ones and we’ll switch to the more open snacktime format where they ask.
I’ve heard the “strict rule prevails” theory before but in practice that just doesn’t seem to work in an environment where everyone (a group of happy children) are enjoying the less strict evironment. I just can’t seem to say “Ok, you two (mine) stop and do not do this or that while everyone else does and the host encourages and gives you permission.”
I don’t seem to have this problem at all when it comes to tv, commericals, talk, game systems, music, etc. etc. that might not meet our standards. It’s more in terms of play … rowdy play inside, getting everything under the sun out and not necessarily in an good way, concocting elaborate somtimes disruptive plays/games that sort of interupt the adults, etc. Things along those lines. Things that while are not misbehavior exactly are just sort of in bad taste?! Ha. Ha. This is starting to sound funny … even to me!
But can anyone relate?
Sorry I’m hijacking the real message of this email I guess but it’s along the same lines I think.
LOL Claire – yes, this is the very thing we USUALLY deal with when company is over…the particular instance I started the thread about was just particularly bad. But it is the whole ‘crazy household’ all of a sudden that I can’t seem to get hold of! We usually have this fairly peaceful, normal vibe, but messy and rowdy quickly become the standard with company.
I guess the solution is just to do a discipline date with a good friend so I can teach the kids that I will in fact follow through with company!
You’ve already received a lot of great advice. I just wanted to add that we’re a ‘correct in the moment’ family and I’ve had other people tell me how impressed they were that we stood our ground or were willing to ‘parent’ and that they wished more parents would do the same. It is hard and it is uncomfortable, but it does pay big benefits. We are also willing to step in and correct in public settings like church parties or at a friends house. No fun for any of us, and sometimes we get nasty looks, but they are my kids and I’m responsible for raising them. And I have to live with them so I want them to be well behaved.
I’m also a bit of a bossy-pants and have no problem telling guests, “In this house we don’t _______” or “We need to find something else to do” or “Our family has a rule that ________”. I’ve never had a kid cry or complain if I correct them and they all happily come back to visit (and no parent has ever called me out). I do make an effort to have activities for the kids to do (not crafts per se). We brainstorm as a family before people come over, “What are some things you could do with your friends?” Play Legos, sword fight, play a board game, Bakugan battle, etc. Sometimes they have ideas they need help with like create a scavengar hunt or what have you, but mostly it’s stuff they can do without prep. Kids can get crazy when they don’t really know what to do or don’t have a place to focus their energy.
We have a semi-open kitchen….at any time they can get fresh fruits or vegetables without asking. I try to have it all washed so they can just grab it, but I’ve also taught them how to clean/prepare it so they can do it on their own. We also have dried fruits and nuts that they can have, if they ask, and I have small containers for them to measure the correct portion for themselves.
Yes, like crazy4boys, we also “parent in the moment”. I don’t really care if another mom or dad thinks I’m too strict with my kids or one we have gotten before from parents: “they’re just being kids, cut them a little slack”. What some may not think of in the moment is that they’re going to go home, back to their routine and what’s normal and acceptable for them, but my children are going to remain in my home and should always be expected to abide by our standards and expectations, regardless of who’s over. We have been complimented many times for standing our ground with our children. In the two scenarios I mentioned earlier on this thread, a couple of the moms at the Valentine’s party were complimentary of my decision to keep ds on the couch beside me for the rest of the party.
I don’t ever want to embarass my kids though. If necessary, I will always try to separate them from others before issuing a correction or warning so that they aren’t embarassed. Humiliation was a tactic my parents used often, and I have tried my hardest not to do that with my own kids.
How do you “parent in the moment” in a very public place such as the grocery store? My dc are 7, 5, & 2. Some of the grocery store behaviors we address are touching merchandise, letting go of the buggy & walking away, talking (loudly) nonstop. I realize that it takes more of a toll on my nerves these days b/c of our particular season of life, but some fresh ideas/inspiration would be so welcome!
Bethanna – mine are a bit older now (12, 12, 8 and 6), but when they were younger (or even NOW at times) I might do one of the following, depending on the situation:
The child has to hold my hand. Child has to hold onto the cart. Child loses privileges once we get home – it might be for the day or the week. Child has to fold their arms. Child must remain silent for x amount of minutes. Child will have to remain home next time and do chores while the rest of us are gone (leave with hubby or older sibling). We might find a quiet space and stand in time out for a few minutes. Once they have been warned and/or corrected, they know that the next step is going to be worse.
Sometimes parenting in the moment means that they lose something once we get home, not necessarily something at the store. Depending on what they did, they might have to ‘practice’ appropriate behavior at home during play time. Like Lindsey mentioned, I try to not embarrass/shame the kids. I always speak in a quiet voice when disciplining (in fact the quieter I get the madder I am). Our conversations are muted and if we need to go someplace out of lots of ‘eye range’ we do. At church functions we’ll go out into the hall or a separate room. Several of my kids, at different times, have spent entire activities sitting in a room, folding their arms and not talking, while a parent sat nearby. They learned rather quickly what was and was not appropriate for our family.
The time spent training them now is so worth it. We rarely have problems anymore and it’s such a pleasure to go out and about with them. When they do have a hard time, they accept correction very easily and we rarely have to do more than look at them now.
When my children were younger, they had to sit in the shopping cart at the store–no exceptions. When ds was too big for the cart, I trained him to hold on to the cart. Dd was still sitting in the cart at this time, so I was only training one. By the time she was too big for the cart, he was already habitually holding on to the cart, so then it was time for me to train her. Now, at almost 9 and 7.5 years old, they still hold the cart, one on each side, when we’re at the store. Now, though, they like to help me at the store. Dd loves to check items off the list; ds likes to push the cart himself. Holding on to the cart keeps at least one hand from reaching out and grabbing or touching items on the shelves; you could always have them keep the other hand in their pocket or holding on to a stuffed animal to keep it “occupied”. If they let go of the cart, give them one warning to put their hand back on the cart. If they let go a second time, stick them in the large part of the cart or just walk out of the store. I have only had to walk out of a store once. The one thing I have always told them is that “I can’t protect you if you don’t obey”. So I use this principle to help them see how important it is for them to hold on to the cart so that they’re with me all the time and don’t get lost, kidnapped, scared, etc.
We have never experienced a tantrum in the store for not buying something they wanted or forcing them to hold on to the cart. I credit this partly to the fact that we never allowed tantrums at home either. Potential fits were warded off as soon as we could see them beginning, either by distracting the child or using a very firm voice, instructing them to stop.
In public places where loud voices were a problem, I simply instructed them once to lower their voice. If it happened a second time, they must place their hand over their mouths and not make a sound until I say so. We have done this in restaurants and in our own car. Now, though, we don’t have problems with this.
Getting out with our children is now pleasant and easy. They do a very good job of staying with us, holding our hands, and being respectful of whatever place we’re in. Eating out with them is fun, and we rarely have to make a correction for behavior or manners. If we do have to correct, it’s usually with one look and they know immediately what they’re doing and fix it. CM was right; “The mother who takes pains to endow her children with good habits secures for herself smooth and easy days.”
I do have my 7 and 5 hold the left side of the cart(buggy) so I don’t accidentally run them into a shelf & so their free hand is farther from temptation. I guess they are just testing me sometimes. We do receive many compliments on the children’s behavior in a variety of settings. I guess I’m just looking forward eagerly to those Smooth And Easy Days! 🙂 Thank you for the suggestions!
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