Disorderly Kids with Company – help!!

My advice….

Schedule some visits by a really good friend that knows ahead of time what you are going to do – start the visit, and then do full discipline (interrupting the visit) as needed.     

I think the kids know that you are afraid to discipline when others are around, and are taking advantage of it.

(btw – one time, when my mom was visiting from out of town – on the car ride to drop her off at the airport, the girls were going nuts in the car.   I told them that if they kept it up, they would NOT be going in the airport to say goodbye but would be in the car with dad.  We arrived at the airport, and they really were upset when I wouldn’t let them go in.  (Dad tried to talk me out of it… grrrr.)  I let them get out of the car for hugs, then they went back in the car.  (to be fair, Dad probably had to listen to crying while I took her in).   My son and I went in to the airport, took her to the security gate, said our goodbyes, and went back to the car.    My mom phoned later and said that she agreed with me, was proud that I followed through, even with my dh saying to let them go in, and that they will probably remember it a long time….)

hth some

Great advice so far. Tristan, you have a housefull (Plus you have boys which I don’t) so your approach sounds so perfect! And I totally agree with suzukimom about her approach.. .I’ve done the same thing and it’s amazing how when you set a consequence and stick to it (even though it is so hard, like what suzukimom described), they actually learn a lesson and “get it”! Hallelujah!

My girls are always dragging their feet, taking so long to get out the door, wherever we are going. We’re always late, ugh! So I put a timer near the door and deliberatley picked a few errands to run that they would enjoy, but that were not essential to do that day. I set the timer and told them if they were not ready and in the car by the time the timer went off, we weren’t going. I gave them 15 minutes, and they were not even close to ready (gotta get the dolls, doll clothes, bags, shoes, hats, coats… it never ends), so I announced, “Nevermind. We’re not going.” They were crushed, but you should have seen how fast they got ready the next morning! 🙂

I’ve done this in the supermarket to ward off whining or asking for things and then getting upset or louder or more obnoxious when I say NO. Several times with each girl at about 4 or 5 years old, I “pretend shop” putting in about 20 minutes worth of tossing stuff in the cart (non-fridge items exclusively). I make sure to describe the behavior I expect while we are still in the car, emphasizing that we will leave if there is bad behavior. Once in the store, I wait until they ask for something. I calmly and nicely say ‘no’, and give a reason. If they whine or complain, I leave the cart right where it is (that’s why no cooler items) and we walk out. Only takes once or twice before they get it.

Same thing on the phone. Somehow kids don’t think you’ll hang up on someone to deal with their behavior. Email or talk to a friend to set up a situation where you do just that. Wait for their misdeeds, then say loudly, “Jenni, I’m so embarrased to have to hang up on you, but I have to deal with my children’s behavior. Good bye.” You’ll have great behavior next time you’re on the phone. I do this with my mom several times a year to serve as a reminder, and it really works.

I’m workin gon getting my oldest dd8 to stop interrupting me while I am tlaking at church or wherever. I’m thinking I’ll try this approach soon.

HTH – let us know…

I will be following this thread with great interest. My kids have this problem too and I know that it’s really my own lack of consistency in company/public/phone situations that is getting in the way.

My dh and I work together on the children’s behavior when we have company. While one of us continues to serve the meal, converse, etc. the other quietly takes the child out of the room to address the child’s behavior before things get worse. If he is not here, I just excuse myself and go take care of things. The child’s unchecked and escalating behavior makes guests more uncomfortable than me leaving the room for a few minutes. We are still working on behavior in public places like the grocery store! Argh! The library used to be where they would really misbehave. So we did what Jenni described and just left! I only had to do that twice before they straightened up! I’ve never thought to do that with the grocery store. My dc would probably be only too happy to leave there – even without groceries!

We have had 2 embarassing scenarios in our family regarding company, so I’ll tell my stories.

First, my very good friend and her 2 children were over for a playdate one afternoon, and my dd7 was VERY rude to both of her children (ages 3 and 5). My dd had to promptly apologize for her behavior toward the other children and then I sent her to my room, where she had to stay until our company left. She laid in my bed and cried and cried, but I made sure to tell my friend that she did not feel that she needed to leave sooner than we had originally planned so I could deal with my dd. So my ds and his friends continued to play while my friend and I continued to chat and drink our tea in the living room, all the while leaving dd in my bed alone. I half expected to find her sleeping by the time my friend and her children left, but she was still laying in my bed and crying. Without even having to explain to her, my dd automatically knew why she’d been separated from the others, and we have never had a problem with her being rude to company again. It was tough for me to follow through with, but that one time was enough to change her behavior right away.

Secondly, we were at another family’s home for a homeschooler’s Valentine’s party, and my ds was very rude to some of the girls who were there. He thought that all the boys should get to play separately from the girls and therefore made his point by slamming the door in our dd’s face to keep her out of their game. Of course, this was unacceptable behavior whether we were at home or at a friend’s home. So, I pulled him away from all the other kids, sat him on the couch next to me where I was visiting with all the other moms, and he had to stay there until it was time for us to go home. He missed out on playing and still had to look on, embarassed, while the other children got to have a good time. As with the other situation, this has never happened again.

So I say all that to make the point that you have to take action, even if that means completely isolating your misbehaving, disobedient, disrespectful children from the rest of the people around. I had to tell dd, “It’s too bad you were so rude to your friends and now you aren’t going to be allowed back out to play because that’s not how we treat people we have in our home. I hope you’ll remember how you feel right now the next time you think it’s a good idea to treat someone rudely.”  

As for the sneaking food, we don’t have a “closed kitchen” rule in our home, but our children must ask before having any snacks. I make three meals a day plus one snack, so I give them plenty of opportunities to eat. We don’t buy any pre-made, boxed, frozen, or bagged snacks, so pretty much everything we snack on (unless it’s a piece of fruit or raw carrots) has to be prepared in some way–whether popping popcorn on the stove, scooping and flavoring plain yogurt, boiling eggs, etc. That makes it a lot more difficult to just walk in the kitchen and “grab” anything–because it takes effort, if that makes sense. If anyone is hungry outside of those eating times, I don’t keep them from food, but instead offer food to both kids. One may refuse while the hungry one gets an extra snack, but at least I’m not giving one child food without making some available to the other one too. Dh and I are welcome to snacks/food anytime we want because it’s our home and we buy and prepare the food. We never have to sneak food and hide it from our kids, so I don’t believe we set a bad example, but we frequently eat our own snacks after they’ve gone to bed. Our kids know this and don’t mind. Oh, but I do keep my own stash of chocolate in my nightstand drawer and do so unashamedly.

Like Tristan said, your children have figured out that you won’t discipline them in the presence of others, and you need to change this. Even if you’re embarassed by their behavior in front of others, that’s a lot better than allowing the behavior to repeat itself over and over while your children are forming bad habits. Nip it in the bud right from the beginning, and they’ll soon get the hint that you’re done putting up with their antics. And others’ children will probably notice how serious you are about misbehavior and won’t try anything crazy either while they’re in your home.

After the incident with dd I mentioned above, I did make her write a letter to my friend and her children, apologizing for her rudeness and asking their forgiveness. I then called my friend to ask her and her children to come back so that dd could practice being a good hostess to her guests. Gladly, they did and dd was an absolute angel, kind and sharing, and I believe, righted her wrong.

As for your boys’ roughousing and fighting, I think you could easily redirect that energy to running outside, doing some physical exercise inside, or giving them some rigorous chores. We have one girl and one boy, so they don’t roughouse with each other much, but we have had occasions where ds has accidentally hurt dd because he’s just a rough boy. We try to keep wrestling between Dad and ds, although dd loves to join in and frequently does. If you’ve told your boys to stop wrestling/arguing/hurting each other and they still disobey, I’d probably invoke some corporal punishment (if this is something you practice) and then separate them to do physical labor away from each other–re-stacking the wood pile, picking up rocks in the yard/driveway, sweeping the porch, washing windows, scrubbing floors or baseboards, scrubbing tile grout with a toothbrush, etc. If it’s energy they need to burn, that’s a lot better than hurting one another simply because they’re disobeying you. 

I hope you get it all figured out!

Lindsey

Claire, I have a policy of “The more strict rule prevails.” If our family rule is more strict, we use it. If the familiy we visit has a more strict rule, we use theirs. ie. We do not allow our kids to stand on or sit on arms of sofas & chairs. We have friends who do not care if kids stand on or sit on theirs that way. Our rule prevails.

I think everyone gave great advice.  I myself am having to correct my children over and over for different things. I also take the instigator out of the picture. Sometimes they come up with new ideas!!!   🙂

   I think it is always a challenge. It is not always the same problems.  I do tell them we will turn around and go back home if we are headed somewhere and they start in on each other. I have done that once or twice before, It is effective. Of course, it is better to try when you don’t have to be somewhere.  It is always nice to try stuff when you either don’t feel like going or don’t need to go. 🙂 Those are times for great disapline. I have even been somewhere and they were acting up and we left.  I give them warning and then we leave. I have also sent them to the vehicle to sit until we are done. I have had refusal which means we give out extra correction.  I have had to excuse myself to take care of a problem.  It is embarrassing sometimes. 

   One time when we had company over I noticed my son was tearing apart the room.  I could hear him from downstairs.  I thought it might be my friends child also because she does the same thing at her house.  I was in awe to discover my child doing it by himself. She was playing quietly with dolls in a corner of the room.  I thought back to the room being destroyed last time we had someone over and I sent him to his room. He wasn’t to come out until they left and he was ready to clean up his sister’s room.  This did stop the destroying the room behavior but I didn’t put anything past him after that.

  I have had to correct my son recently in public and was chastized for it.  So, I can sympathize with your reluctancy to want to do it around others. However, like mentioned above. You have to correct them immediately, in order to get them to realize it is everywhere they have to obey you. Not just at home or at others homes. Sometimes, we can not predict when and where. Our children are clever. They know us.  Sometimes we just have to show them they don’t know us as well as they think.  🙂

    BLessings and I hope you have a better time next time.   I think a planned correction date is waiting in the future.  🙂