Disagreeable child

Dana, I’m glad I read through all of the posts here because I was just thinking about how you’ve mentioned difficulties with your 3yo in a few threads lately, and I wanted to be sure to pray for you and your family.  I can certainly second the comments that have said consistency is key.  I have seen with my own children, who are now 10, 11, and 12, that when there is a lapse in consistency on my part that is–oh, let’s say a “minor” lapse, there follows a “moderate” decline in behavior.  Hence, a “moderate” lapse results in a “major” decline on their part, and my day is just miserable!

One thing that struck me was Rachel’s comment about continuing to pray and claiming victory and freedom in Jesus.  This can be a bit daunting on your own (which is no doubt why she mentioned the laying on of hands by elders), but it’s easy to listen to lies in our heads that tell us it’s embarassing to talk to someone about our issues, or the pastor/counselor is too busy, or the ever-popular “I should be able to handle this on my own–I know what to do!”  Just remember that when literal war battles intensify, nations do not leave one troop of soldiers on the field and tell them, “you know what to do.”  They send in additional troops to fight the battle.  I would urge you to consider taking your childhood struggles to a trusted pastor or to another godly woman who perhaps has experience with counseling in this area.  If you are free from the fears that you will repeat your past history, you will be more confident in the parenting choices you make as a mom.

I will be praying for you.

Sue

Oh, that’s right–do I recall you saying you were in Africa?  (Maybe that was someone else.)  We have a couple from our church in Kakamega, Africa right now, doing missionary work through Mission to the Fatherless.  Of course, Africa is a big place, so that might be like saying, “Oh, you’re in Los Angeles?  I know some people in Key West, Florida–small world!  LOL.

I will pray that God brings someone across your path that would be a good fit for you to talk to.

Sue

Hi Dana,

Didn’t have time to chime in sooner, but just wanted to say you aren’t alone!  My oldest (now 5), sort of missed the “terrible twos”, but became very difficult the year she was 3.  There were some days that year that really weren’t all that fun at all, but I’ve seen much improvement so do know that with consistent love and gentle discipline it WILL get better. (And I need to remind myself of that now that ds2 is rapidly approaching 3 as well!!)   I don’t know if you are familiar with the concept of the 5 love languages?  It is from a book by Gary Chapman which we read in the context of our marriage, but I have found it helpful for parenting as well.  Basically the premise is that each of us have preferred means of recieving love: the basic ones being words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, and gifts.  People (our spouse, children, or whomever) will feel more loved if we are showing our love for them via their preferred “love language”.  So, you may find it helpful to sort of see if you can figure out what your son’s love language is and try to communicate your love with him that way as much as you can.  Part of the reason we chose to start homeschooling was because I realized that DD’s love language was quality time – homeschooling helps to schedule that quality time into our day and make sure that it happens.   And I find that when I am investing time in her, she is much less whiny, troublesome, and disagreeable than when I let life get in the way and push her aside.   She also really loves to join in and help me with what I am doing too, and is learning lots of useful life skills this way. 

I also expect that all the transition you are facing as a family right now is part of the problem too!  We are also a missionary family (in Papua New Guinea) but preparing to head to the States for furlough in less than 2 weeks now! We will spend the first 5 months in one location (with a couple of short, fairly local trips), and the second 4 months travelling extensively.  I noticed with my kids (dd5, ds 2-1/2, dd 9m) that as soon as the packing boxes and suitcases came out, they became more irritated and testy shall we say?  I think in these kind of situations where so much seems OUT of control that the naughty behavior is a way for these little ones to try and control what is happening around them.  That doesn’t excuse the behavior of course, but I find it helps me to view them with a little more gentleness, compassion, and grace.   And it also reminds me not to let the special time get lost in the middle of the busy-ness.  We aren’t doing “school” per se and won’t until we are settled down again at the end of January, but I am trying to maintain our routine of Bible verses and hymns at the breakfast table, storytime after lunch and again at bedtime as much as we possibly can.

HTH,

Jen

We are with Wycliffe, serving in aviation.  Feel free to PM me if you’d like to know more (or think you might know some of the same people we know). =)

Jen