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Disagreeable child
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My DS turns 3 in March. Over the past several months I have found him to be more disagreeable than he used to be. He doesn’t like what I cooked for dinner tonight. He doesn’t like a book I bought him for Christmas. Very often the first word out of his mouth in response to me is “no”. Sometimes he doesn’t even argue. He just proceeds to do what he wants. I feel like I am arguing and fighting with him a lot. It tests my patience and hurts my feelings. My husband and I aren’t spankers. We have been using time out with some success but something still isn’t right. I’ll catch myself wanting to avoid giving him a command or denying his request because I know a struggle is in store for me. Is this normal for his age? I will say that people tell me he is well behaved. I still feel something is off whether it’s his level of obedience or my expectations being too high. One day after telling him not to run in the street we were in a situation where he was about to run in the street. I called for him to stop over and over. He totally ignored me and ran out anyway. That is the worst example because it was dangerous but that same scenario plays itself out often over more trivial matters. I feel very disrespected. He isn’t perfect with my dh but interacts very different with him. I’m sad because when I buckle down I start feeling like I’m being unfair to him and not “letting him be his age” so to speak. Or being too hard on him to the point I’m afraid he will get discouraged. A lot if times when I watch my dh interact with my DS I think, “Give him a break!” Maybe I’m too soft? I’m a clueless mommy. 🙁
Thoughts?
Hi dmccall3, there are two books I would suggest to you. One is Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Ted Tripp, the other is Parenting by the Book by John Rosemond. I would recommend both, but if you are fundamentally opposed to spanking ( I personally am not ), then John Rosemond’s book will resonate better with you. Both books are biblical, it’s just that Mr. Tripp takes a more literal approach to the “rod” than Mr. Rosemond. Your son is evidently showing his sin nature, which has always been there, but has been hiding until now.
It is advisable that you approach it in a Biblical way for your child’s sake and his safety and for your sanity as parents.Hope this helps!!
Heather is so right on, it is just human sinful nature in our children, and until now, it has probably looked cute. 🙂 you are not clueless and you know your son better than anyone. The aforementioned books are great resources. I would like to add Sonya’s Early Years book too for understanding Charlotte Mason’s ideas on this age and habit training. Your son is at a wonderful age for starting good habits with your help.
One last thing is that us wives should be careful to not undermine our husbands, especially in front of our children. Having a gentle and quiet discussion later with hubbies would be best for issues that need to be addressed. And the kids respect us more when parents respect each other.
Blessings to you and your family!
The above advice & resources are very good. I might add…
It’s obvious you love your son as you’re concerned about his developing habits and recognize when something is amiss. It does sound like your son does not respect your rightful authority as his parent. He’s got you afraid of power struggle, which is a big sign that he thinks he is on equal footing with you. If a battle is what’s coming, don’t run from it, but meet it head on and OUTLAST him! He needs to know that you mean what you say. It is not a kindness to a child to be firm and then soft and thereby inconsistent. Nor is it a kindness to allow him to develop a “weak” will and later, when he’s older change the rules. It’s so much better to lay it out from the get go.
Here is a link on moral habits right from this site that is very good! http://simplycharlottemason.com/2007/02/01/moral-habits/
Children like to know where they stand and if there is no consistency, then they will try EVERY time to see if they can get their way. They are quite adept at learning to manipulate the situation. He is definitely not too young to expect him to obey! If he’s old enough to try to exert his will over yours (which happens much younger than 3), then he needs training and discipline and he needs it consistently.
An example from my house, just this week my ds1 decided to start flinging himself backwards to try to get out of my arms and down to crawl around. I have 2 problems with this – 1) He could fall and be hurt. 2) I did not want him to get down, so therefore what he wanted simply didn’t matter. After this happened a couple of times, I realized that it was another opportunity to train for obedience. So, when it happened, I decided to meet the battle head own. DS flung himself backwards and almost to the floor. I firmly said no and gave a mild swat to his diapered bottom. After a couple of repeats over the next few minutes, he relented, lay his head on my shoulder and was content in my arms for the next 10 minutes until I decided he could get down. I outlasted him and this did not happen again until the next afternoon. Again, after about a 7 minutes of battle, I outlasted and he relented. I held him for another 5-10 minutes to make sure he wasn’t going to try it again and he didn’t.
Outside of scripture, the best child rearing book I’ve read is Raising Godly Tomatoes by Elizabeth Krueger. She does spank, but also provides alternatives if you choose not to. You can read the entire book for free online here. I linked to the chapter on training for obedience and I encourage you to make this your foremost goal. Don’t think of it as training not to run in the street, but train for FIRST time obedience and view all things as opportunities to train – when he refuses to come when you call, when he refuses to eat what you serve, whatever.
Some basics that are pointed out here on this site, in Raising Godly Tomatoes and that we use in our home:
- Expect obedience. At our house, we say, “Obey all the way, right away and cheerfully.” Anything less isn’t really obedience.
- Only give commands that you expect to be carried out.
- Remember to plan for transitions. ie., in 5 minutes, please put away your trucks and come to the table.
Charlotte Mason said, “Tardy, unwilling, occasional obedience is hardly worth the having.” I couldn’t agree more.
Blessings,
Christie
I’lll always recommend those books by Tripp and Rosemond; in fact all of them by Rosemond. At your son’s age, Rosemond has one called “Making the Terrible Two’s Terrific”, which your son is still in behaviorally.
Now, what about disagreeable husbands? I think disagreeable 3 r. olds are much easier; no joke.
Rachel
I’ve heard that Rosemond says you’re to have your child play by themselves almost all the time with very little interaction. That breaks my heart! Isn’t it possible to be on the child’s side and lead/guide them instead of power/control them? Isn’t that what Charlotte Mason teaches? I guess I’m scared of being harsh and unloving. Is it clear that I grew up in an abusive/dysfunctional atmosphere yet? I want him to be well behaved but not at the risk that a) he thinks we don’t love him and b) that he thinks God only loves him when he’s good or loves him more the better he is. This discipline stuff is such a struggle for me!
As for disagreeable husbands I don’t have that experience. Mine is agreeable almost to a fault. I think he just leaves me to decide child issues and follows along with whatever I decide is best. It’s just deciding what is best that I’m having a hard time with.
Thank you all for the book recommendations. I’ll get to researching. I’m going to the library today so I’ll see what I can check out too. 🙂
I haven’t read the rosemond books so I’m not sure what he says about leaving a child alone, but I would highly recommend the Raising Godly Tomatoes site/book as well – it says to nearly ALWAYS keep your child with you, whether working or playing – especially at age 3. And again, don’t hesitate because she recommends spankings as she gives parents who choose not to spank options for carrying out correction without it. With Raising Godly Tomatoes you will be guiding and directing your child’s behaviour and rather than banishing them to a timeout away from you when they are naughty, you instead keep them closer to you. The naughtier they are the closer you keep them, which surprisingly builds a more intimate relationship between you and the child and in the end helps them to have better behaviour because you’re keeping a closer eye on them and not allowing them to develop disobedient habits. I can’t recommend it enough!
Blessings,
Rebekah
Dana,
I have read a few books mentioned. I am actually rereading the Raising Godly Tomatoes right now 🙂 I read in your post about an abusive background. I am the product of a mom who was physically/verbally abused. She swore she would never hit me. But she did verbally/mentally abuse me often 🙁 As a grown women with 5 children I have had and still do have a hard time discipling. One thing I know is that RGT tells how to administer sp*nk*ng’s in a biblical, non abusive manner! If you are mad DO NOT sp*nk! You must be in control and calm. I highly recommend that book! I don’t think a library will have it though. But like someone else said it is available on her site for free to read online 🙂
I would also like to say as a child/teen/young adult my mother and I didn’t get along at all. I didn’t respect her at all and she in turn harbored bitterness towards me that remains, sadly, to this day. I am a changed person but she still holds on to her bitterness. Why I say this is… not sp*nking doesn’t mean he will know that you and God love him whether he is bad or not. For my mom it caused bitterness and for me that bitterness caused me to feel very unloved and unwanted.
Hoping I am making sense 🙁
Dana,
I have read a few books mentioned. I am actually rereading the Raising Godly Tomatoes right now 🙂 I read in your post about an abusive background. I am the product of a mom who was physically/verbally abused. She swore she would never hit me. But she did verbally/mentally abuse me often 🙁 As a grown women with 5 children I have had and still do have a hard time discipling. One thing I know is that RGT tells how to administer sp*nk*ng’s in a biblical, non abusive manner! If you are mad DO NOT sp*nk! You must be in control and calm. I highly recommend that book! I don’t think a library will have it though. But like someone else said it is available on her site for free to read online 🙂
I would also like to say as a child/teen/young adult my mother and I didn’t get along at all. I didn’t respect her at all and she in turn harbored bitterness towards me that remains, sadly, to this day. I am a changed person but she still holds on to her bitterness. Why I say this is… not sp*nking doesn’t mean he will know that you and God love him whether he is bad or not. For my mom it caused bitterness and for me that bitterness caused me to feel very unloved and unwanted.
Hoping I am making sense 🙁
Yes I see… I wasn’t spanked as a child actually. I was mainly verbally abused with some physical thrown in. My mom had a violent temper. I struggle with my temper as well. Anyway I think I’ll read up on some of these books and see what I can come up with that will work with our family. I do like the idea of keeping him close. I read something online once called “get off your butt parenting”. It was convicting because it’s hard when I’m busy with something to stop what I’m doing to handle the behavioral issue.
I appreciate all of your advice so much. I would be so sad if I ended up with a poor relationship with my DS. 🙁
Thanks!
Dana
I would add Ginger Plowman’s books to your list, BTW.
Having read 3 of Rosemond’s books and familiar with his advice piece in our paper; the phrase “your child play by themselves almost all the time with very little interaction” is a little missleading and out of context. Many modern, child-centered parents get hyper over his advice. However, what he especially refers to is the over-labeling we have in our society now when there are just a lot of children who’s natural narcissism, which rears it’s head around 18 mths., is being elongated into self-centered older children (and young adults) and child-centered families. Leaving them “alone” to figure out how to entertain themselves instead of always being their social secretary-of-sorts, taking them here and their so they are “busy”; being their taxi momma, turning the household into a chaotic place. His recommendations would be akin to CM’s wisdom of “MAsterly Inactivity” and letting your child alone to be a child.
Personally, I am not here to entertain my children. I am not responsible to my children to find things to occupy them, but to encourage them to use their own imaginations, develop critical thinking skills through imaginative play alone and/or with a sibling, etc. He encourages the traditional family dynamic that children play with each other (i.e. siblings), not parents play with children; parents run the household (teaching the children to do the same as they grow). Now, he’s not referring to family game night, doing puzzles together, some times building blocks together, going camping together, developing the familial relationship or ignoring behavioral situations that arise that must be handled, etc. He strongly discourages television (esp. under age 2) and electronic toys. Think about it though, children can become dependant upon our brains when they are using blocks, building a train track, or whatever they are playing with instead of if we leave them be, they will have to figure it out themselves and that’s a good thing. I’ve always been in ear shot and eye shot of my children there in the living room (usually with a story on cd) , but left them to figure out on their own as much as possible, so they can have the pride of an accomplishment that is theirs after hard thinking and trying.
He encourages a G-d centered/parent-centered family, not ignored children, but reinforces the G-d given authority of the parent over the child. He goes against the psycho-babble of child psychologists that from the 60’s have made parents weak-willed regarding their children and made children seem like fragile beings that must be treated with kid gloves (no pun intended); worried about their self-esteem. Child psychologists and parenting “experts” have been undermining BIblical teachings on the parent-child relationship and sin nature for 40 yrs. now, causing parents to feel very inadequate and “needy” for secular psychological advice; replacing Biblical, age-old advice from older women and men in our extended family and community (the grandmothers, especially) who have already been there and done that in child rearing, those mentors that G-d gives us-the common sense about parenting that the modern teachings on child-rearing rejects.
His advice is that children are far more capable than our society gives them credit for and that from about age 15 mths., (this is a visual example coming) -a mom should start moving away from being in a bent over position, constantly doing for her child and taking the position of standing up and expecting the child to start doing for themselves, as developmentally able, to grow into personally responsible, respectful, contributing members of society. Which is the exact opposite of what is happening in the young people as you look around in our culture; a disturbing portion of whom have either been drugged at some point in their young lives or are currently drugged due to their lack of self-control and extended self-centeredness (i.e. undisciplined sin nature).
He rejects the helicopter parents and indulgent parent as well as the dictatorial parenting style. I believe the term is authoritative, not authoriatrian.
His advice is neither harsh nor unloving, but many parents percieve him as such. It’s all in your own life-experience and perspective, I guess. I would just recommend you go into it with an open mind and really ignore my and other’s opinions and prayerfully form your own by reading for yourself.
On a personal note, I sense some fear that you will repeat family dysfunction; so may I recommend praying (or continuing to pray and having your elders lay hands on you) and claiming the freedom and victory you have as Yeshua(Jesus) broke the curse of sin and death on that tree, including family curses passed down; so don’t walk in fear regarding your parenting but freedom. Keep claiming Scriptural freedom and daily asking the L-rd’s Spirit to give you discernment and direction.
G-d’s Blessings, Rachel
Dana, I can sympathize! I have a 2yo and a 3 1/2yo, and both are in majorly difficult phases right now. With the big guy, everything is “I don’t want to!” or “I don’t like it!” and with the little one, he just delights in saying, “NO!” Half the time he’ll say “no” just to say it, and then do what I asked anyway!
We are not spankers either (DH was never spanked at all, and I was spanked WAY too much), and we’ve had a lot of success with “123 Magic.” I also like Tim Kimmel’s “Grace-Based Parenting” and Crystal Lutton’s “Biblical Parenting.” Personally, I do not care for RGT or Tripp. I haven’t read Rosemond but do disagree with his books on ADHD (which he doesn’t feel exists), so I haven’t really bothered to look into his other stuff!
Edited to add that I’ve also found GOYB Parenting to be a great resource! Wish they had a book.
Honestly, though, whatever method you use, I think consistency is the absolute No. 1 thing. (Whenever I start to slip up in follow-through, I notice a rapid decline in behavior!) If the kids don’t pick up their toys when I tell them to, I get up and physically walk them over to the toys and guide their little hands from the toys to the toybox. They get the idea pretty quickly that when Mommy asks them to do something, it’s GOING to happen, so there’s no sense fussing about it!
Thank you, Rachel, especially for calling out my fears. I need to pray more I know. That helped.
Thank you, Sanveann! I feel really encouraged! I’ll look into those books. The last few days I’ve been more consistent, getting off my butt more ;), and giving him outdoor time. Things do seem to be a lot better even with just those few changes. I try very hard to never raise my voice. I don’t want to ban spanking then resort to screaming which I’ve heard sometimes happens.
Thanks again!!!
It is advisable that you approach it in a Biblical way for your child’s sake and his safety and for your sanity as parents.
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