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Depression
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My dh is going through a bit of depression I think. He’s more tired than usual, he’s upset and angry (way more than normal) and things are not getting better. I don’t know what to do for him and all I can do is pray.
He has forgotten all the good that is going on: a God who loves him, a job that has been able to keep him working, a warm house, food on the table, a (for the most part) healthy family, kids and a wife who love him beyond belief. All he focuses on is the negitive: the jobs (he’s a self employeed carpet installer) have all been terrible and a mess, the kids yell way to much, his van has been in the shop for 3 weeks now and they haven’t figured out what’s wrong with it, he’s taking my van so he can continue to work which leaves me without a van which in turn means I have (or we) a lot of things to do on the weekends. And the saddest part for me, he took off his cross necklace which he never takes off.
He’s very confused on why a God who loves us would keep pushing him and wont give him a break. Why we downsized our home 2 years ago so he could work less and now is paid less and works more. Why to keep making ends meet (with the truck/new goverement rules) he has to be away from us on Saturdays also. Why he has to bust his butt to never get ahead.
Well I know you get my drift. He’s falling and I don’t and can’t seem to help him. I keep reminding him of the good, the happy times, of things will get better, of it don’t matter as long as we have our family. I try and help him to remember God only gives us what we can handle, but we tells me he can’t take it anylonger. He’s going down and I want to pick him up.
So for anyone who has had someone in there life they helped through a time like this or are going through it now and have some helpful things for me to do, or say I’d really appreciate it. I love him so much and I know it’s hard to be the man, the dad, the bread winner (if you will) to rely on God, but he use to do it so beautifuly. And the sad thing is I don’t know that things will get better with work. No one does right now with the economy.
Thanks for listenening and letting me share. If all else I know prayer is powerful and even if you just say lift this man Steve up I will be so greatful. Misty
Misty- I’ve been off this group for months, but felt led to come here this morning. Must have been to see your post.
We’ve been through this, although for us it was more serious in that my dh tried antidepressants, which actually made things worse. It was a horrible, dark time for us. It was only the Lord carrying me that got me through.
When you say “all I can do is pray”, I’d like to encourage you that praying for him is the best, most important thing to do for him.
Keep on loving him and being his helpmeet, as I am sure you are doing. Ask the Lord for wisdom.
Does he have a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus? Many know “of” Him, but do not “know” Him personally. There is a huge difference there….like saying I know who the President is, versus the President is one of my closest friends.
If he doesn’t have this relationship, pray for that.
I don’t have time to post more now, but feel free to contact me offline, as I don’t often get on the forum anymore.
Blessings,
Nanci
Hi Misty,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I have also gone through a major depression with my husband. This happened a few years ago now.
I tried to just stick it out with him until I realized it wasn’t just going to miraculously get better. I sat him down (in a non-confrontational manner, and with no emotion other than concern) and just brought the problem out in the light. I didn’t say much other than something like, “There is a problem.” (I would try to avoid “you” statements as much as possible.) I suggested he go talk to someone. Thankfully he agreed.
From there we saw a counselor who (after suggesting he have a regular quiet time – not helpful advice for someone with a chemical imbalance) referred us to a psychiatrist. He tried different medications until he found the right one. He had a few weeks adjustment but after that he got better.
Depression runs in his family so we’re always on the watch for it. (The depression during our marriage was his third major depression.) e important thing to remember is that it is a real, physical thing – like diabetes or high blood pressure. It sounds like he needs to see a professional. You can’t carry this weight for him.
It sounds like you feel powerless and really you are. I am thankful we went through it before kids. I would be sad if my DS was involved. Anyway, I would pray, of course, bring the problem into the light in a calm non-accusatory matter (his mental health isn’t his fault although I know it’s very hard on those in that person’s life), and suggest (urge) him to seek help.
I hope this helps in some way! You are welcome to pm me as well.
Blessings,
Dana
Misty, I have little to offer but a cyber hug and prayers for your family but those are happily given to you. Sometimes seeing a counselor is a good plan, but a lot of men will not do it, they see it as weakness – depression is an illness and it is real and so if he is willing to talk to his doctor or a pyschologist, then that might be a good thing. I would continue to pray, to talk to him in a non judgemental way and just keep doing what you are doing. Life is very hard for people right now, and is likely going to get worse – men who are single breadwinners are often over burdened and it is not a surprise that they buckle sometimes – we have to love them with all our might and pray even more mightily. Just don’t allow his anger to get out of control as that is dangerous to you and the children – see if you can encourage him to seek some advice – a minister, doctor, close friend, someone who can also lift him up – I will offer prayers for him and for you. Hang in there, trust that God will guide you. Linda
I also agree that professional help may be required… I have suffered through depression, and so has my husband. Men sometimes get really physically ill with depression (my husband gets chest pains etc with it…) and anger isn’t uncommon for men with depression.
There isn’t much you can do but encourage him getting help, or at least talking to someone… and love him, and pray.
Antidepressants CAN make a huge difference – but it can be a long hard road to find the right combination that works for someone. They can also be hard to take sometimes too….
When I was in my worst depression, living hurt. In a very real physical way as well as emotional. Sometimes it felt like my head was under so much pressure. Also, at the worst, I got so that my thinking was so slow, that the best description was every thought had to be pushed through tar… it was horid. I would lose track of thoughts, and get confused much easier. I think my talking even slowed down at some point. Now I am talking the worst of the worst… when it was so hard to get out of bed. I did go to work, but I know I was pertty useless at work. (And my company was laying people off… I know the only reason I wasn’t layed off right then was my previous work history… as I was getting maybe 5% of my work done…) I’ve also had months of depression that wasn’t to that point… and it is still very hard.
Anyway – just wanted to say that this is something real. It hurts, and isn’t something that people generally just snap out of.
During one of my depression periods… a person at church teaching a class basically indicated that if you were living your life right, that you would be happy. There is no guarantee of that in the scriptures… not like that. Fortunately, I knew better… but if someone that is depressed is given that type of message (you are unhappy and depressed because there is some sin in your life you haven’t dealt with…) that can make things much worse. As someone else said already – this is like having an illness like diabetes… we don’t make people guilty because they have diabetes…. but we do if they have depression.
anyway – hope this helps somewhat. Hang in there!
Thanks for your kind words, thoughts and suggestions. I know my dh and he will not see anyone. He doesn’t like to have “others” as he calls them doing what we should be able to do ourselves (this has come up before with our children and seeking “others” advice).
I will continue to talk to him. Pray for him and wisdom for myself. Someone said, does he has a relationship with the Lord. You know that always plagues me. Cause the week before Christmas my younget 2 (ages 23 mo and 4) were not very good in church in his eyes, mine shone a different view that was they weren’t great but they weren’t bad either. He at that point said he isn’t going to church anymore when he leaves upset and angry. I worked very very hard for 4 days to get my kids to sit in quiet time. I showed him with love and patience I could change it and very luckily he has went to church. I have taken total resposibiilty for the little 3 (the 2 above and my 3mo old). My oldest son is helping me with them and we have dad sit at the oposite end so he can hear. Will it last?? I don’t know. But we are trying. This is when I knew things were going down hill. Because up to them we always agreed that the kids need to learn to sit in church and it’s not always easy but they get through it.
I will try to talk to him and not confront him, though I know that unless God speaks to him in his heart first and he’s willing to listen it wont go well. He doesn’t like to be taken care of, he’s said that. He’s here to take care of us. Thanks everyone and may you also know I am praying for you and thank you for sharing your personal stories. Misty
I am going through something similar with my husband of 15 yrs. I stopped working as a hospice nurse last April because I worked on Saturdays and it made our weekend seem short. My husband was able to pickup extra hours at his job so we did not feel the pinch. In November his company cut back on overtime which meant his checks were about 400-600 less everyohter week. I first noticed he was short tempered on Thanksgiving when his mother asked if she could take a large part of the turkey breast home with her. I responed that I had already planned meals around the leftover turkey. She was really upset as she has just quit working and they are having hard times. Later that weekend my husband told me that it was mean not to let her have it and that he thought I was mean to everybody and could not take my yelling at the kids. I don’t yell alot but at the end of the day when you have told someone 6 times to move something I do get a bit irritated. Things seemed to smooth over in a week but he constantly voiced how stressed he was at work because of his overtime being cut and how were we going to give our kids gifts. I sold some of my old gold jewelry that was broken and somethings I knew I would never wear again especially because they had not been worn in almost 10 yrs. Having that money enable us to buy gifts and Christmas dinner. New Years Eve he went fishing until very early morning so he was really tired Saturday. He is a Christian but does not attend church with us because of some bad experience with Pastors at our previous churchs. The kids and I came home from church everything was going fine and then while I was folding clothes I knocked over a class full of lemonade( someone had left where it did not belong) it went over the chairs and all over the floor. I called the culprit in and scolded her for having her glass there apparently my husband thought I should just clean it up myself and not say anything about where it was left. It started a snowball of complaints that he had about me even to the point where he said he had thought about divorce. After several hours he had finally calmed and told me how much it bothered him not to be able to give us extras and how he did not want me to go back to work.
I know this was long but I did want you to know that you are not alone. I do believe our men take pride in being able to support their families and have their wives stay home. The price of everything has gone up but their income has not, in our instance it has gone down. It also doean’t help that I have a hormonal 13 yr old son and hormonal almost 12 yr old daughter and I just turned 47. Too many hormones in one place. I do know that prayer is the most powerful thing and I have people at my church praying for my marriage and my husband. I have asked God to give me patience with him and guidance to know when I should just be silent. I will be praying for you and your husband.
I thank you “wise” that sounds a lot like my dh. I just wanted to point out to everyone. My dh is not physical to him or us or even close to this point. The best way is what one person PMed me he is unhappy. Last night he laughed for the 1st time in awhile. It was wonderful. Thanks everyone I love that we can come together to talk. I know it’s nice to PM but with this one please dont PM me. My dh reads my emails and I’m ok with that but I don’t want him to feel like everyone is trying to “help” him. It would make things worse. Our relationship is good and strong but he hates it when I talk about things with others. And I don’t unless (like this) I need some major support and encouragement. He feels our issues are our problems. I hope you all understand. It really is an unhappy thing with work, bills, loss of extra money and time. Blessings
Sorry I didn’t know..I have a private email account! Nothing to hide…just have lots of junk and friends that we have seperate accounts!!!
I know that I said to watch out for how depressed he becomes..for I have been there. You would be surprised what people are thinking inside themselves. My husband had no idea how I wanted to end it all several yrs ago. I surprised him when I told him. Just FYI.
And my hubby would be the exact same way if I asked for advise! Unless it was from a good friend. I think we think we can handle it all. And people would judge us. And maybe pride gets in the way too! I know sometimes I am reluctant to even say things to my best friend of 32 yrs feeling that I am complaining or whining!
I just want you to know that I will pray for you and family. I know when my husband is down for a couple of days it really puts a cloud over my head and at home. It hurts to see our loved ones hurt. And it hurts when it is our husbands, for they are like a rock to the family. We look to them for protection, provider, strength, and love as a wife. When they go down we feel like it might all fall apart! Anyway, I do! Husbands have a lot of responsibility as defender and provider. They can easily get depressed when things are not going well at work, money, at home. (we can to for that matter) They think differently and handle it differently. It makes them feel like a failure. Because a lot of times work defines a man.
I know when my hubby is not happy with what he is doing it just spirals into everything is wrong! Maybe he just needs space and time to heal. And lots of prayer!
God Bless
This may be of no help at all, but I have had several friends who have benefited from adding either or/and vitamin D and vitamins B to their diets in the winter. It won’t solve all your problems, but sometimes the extra boost these vitamins give us and help a bit with the winter blues and managing stress. Synthetic vitamins are often not well aborbed but you can look online to see which foods contain these things naturally (or in Nurishing Traditions) – I know vitamin D is mostly found in raw milk products which are expensive and hard to find, but your body also makes it in the sunshine (which is why we are often depleted of it in the winter). The different B vitamins are more readily available and you can sneak these foods into meals more frequently so you’re “medicating” your family without them knowing it! hehe!
As for the PM – you might want to see if there’s a way to turn off email notifications and then you can just check your pms when you sign onto SCM.
My husband is the same way about privacy – it’s so difficult to bear all of his burdens and stresses alone – I’m very thankful for friends that will pray without judging my husband or breaking the confidentiallity of the request – this forum is also a great place for that! What a blessing!!!
Finally, have you ever read/implemented Dave Ramsey’s book – Total Money Makeover. That book changed our financial situation and we went from very modest means and lots of debt – from hubby’s college to car to mortgage, to being totally debt free in the 8 years. It definitely takes work and constantly monitoring your budget, but when finances are difficult you’re constantly worrying about them.
I know none of the things that I mentioned are easy fixes for clinical depression, but they might be little things that can be done to help ease the burden – coupled with prayer of course.
Remembering you in prayer today!
Rebekah
I would make sure he is getting a well balanced diet, good vitamins, and just keep supporting him, loving him, encouraging him and praying. The book, “Created to be His Help Meet” by Debi Pearl is the best wife/marriage book ever. I realize that depression can be a serious thing but nothing is too big for God and this is a season in your life and only God knows why its happening. I will be praying for your family!
Who does he have to talk with? Does he have a relationship with any good men? How about your Pastor? Could you go to your Pastor and let him know your concern.
Yes – I also agree with that. Men need other Godly men for support and accountability:) Also in the book!
Hi Misty,
I saw your post on Friday and honestly didn’t have time to respond, but please know I have been praying, and will continue to do so.
Stress and depression leave thier mark on everyone in the household. I will be praying for Steve, and for all of you, for encouragement, patience, endurance, fortitude, and the clear vision to see life’s blessings for what they are, even in the midst of trials.
I have been through a depression with my husband also, gladly it is four years since. He also would not accept help, and would have been angry if I had tried to seek it for him. We did not go the route of counselling, and unfortunately he would not seek the help of the godly men in our church at the time. What he did do was quit his job and decide to move us to a new community further north (and oh, how I missed the old one) in the middle of a Canadian winter with four kids plus a newborn….. that was interesting.
In any event the change was a good one and after a long while of wrestling it out with the Lord, life is better. I am the one he chose to open up to. It was hard sometimes but we are very, very close now.
Every situation is unique. With my husband, he tells me his depression was from his lack of surrender to the lord. He had a rough upbringing (lots of alcohol, complete lack of moral teaching, etc). He was going to church and looking good on the outside (in public anyways)…. but pretty filthy on the inside. This was a crisis that changed his heart – and his life – so in the end it was a blessing. But it was a long road to travel.
In the middle of it all I had a motivation to silently rub his feet every night in bed and he said a long time afterwards that it reached him in a way that no words could have.
Give him some space – men don’t like to talk as much as women about their troubles. Some of it he’s just going to have to hash out on his own.
You are not alone. I pray a hedge of protection around your marriage and family as you walk through this together. Stay on your knees and try to be full of encouragement if you have enough to go around 😉
Gaeleen
Thanks and like Galeen my dh would not seek anything. This weekend was ok. Saturday he seemed more happy and Sunday morning more upbeat but then night came and things went down again. I’m sure it was because he knew his van was still not back and we hadn’t heard.
Now this morning our boys got into it and things got out of control. Now on top of everything when he comes home he needs to deal with his boys. Also, we found out his van is suppose to be fixed this time and the cost. Where that will come from?? I don’t know. But God will provide.
Thanks ladies for everything. Please keep praying.
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