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death and little children
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Hi there,
My husband’s mom has been sick for some time now, but now we have found out her cancer is advanced and she isn’t expected to live past the summer. We have a 5 year old daughter, who is quite bright, so I am trying to figure out how to handle everything that will be coming up, specifically:
Would you take a 5 year old to a funeral?
How do you answer and talk about the inevitable question that will come up from my daughter about how grandma isn’t saved and what will happen to her?
Are there any stories/books you would recommend to read to her about death or death of a grandparent?
I ask about the funeral because part of me thinks it would be good for her to go for closure and part of me worries it would give her nightmares (that happened to me when I was young and went to a funeral). Regarding Grandma’s salvation, she believes there is a God, but more in the sense of “there is a higher power” but she doesn’t believe in Jesus and Him dying for our sins.
Thank you for any help you can offer!
We have taken our children to all funerals (or at least the wakes) since they were infants. We are very candid with them, open and honest, but keeping it at their level. We are open about heaven vs. hell, and we answer any and all questions they have.
Truthfully, we have not encountered a funeral where we knew for sure the person wasn’t a Christian – so I can’t help you there. Our children do know that those who do not believe in Jesus as their Savior will not be in heaven – so maybe we have already answered it before future questions arise? IDK.
So sorry about your MIL. Such a sad, sad time in your life. Be a witness – you never know – there is always time until her last breath is drawn for her to accept the Truth. Praying for her, and for you and your family. (((hugs)))
My kids went with us (and they were very young) to my grandma’s funeral several years back and it hasn’t done any future harm I can think of. I will say that I don’t think they are overly sensitive so it hasn’t affected them as far as nightmares go. I wouldn’t take them to future ones if they expressed that. I am super sensitive to the whole issue so I’m probably not the best person for giving advice, sorry.
I’m really sorry about your mother-in-law and I agree, until she is truly gone, there is always hope. I really believe that. We’ll keep you in our prayers.
My sister took her daughter to a baby cousin’s funeral when she was about 5… but didn’t take her son who would have been about 4.
Honestly – she asked them if they wanted to go, giving a bit of information beforehand what it would be like.
That said – the children I don’t think had met their cousin (he only lived 11 days and spent it all in the hospital) so they weren’t as emotionally attached.
As for the other questions, I can’t help.
We took our girls at ages 4 and 2 1/2 when their great-grandma died. I tell my girls only God knows for certain if they are saved, but we do believe if a person doesn’t follow Jesus in their life, they won’t go to heaven because the bible tells us this. I agree, there is hope now so keep praying for her and witnessing to her!
Tara
My almost 8yos was 5 when my big, strong, healthy, hulk of a dad died unexpectedly. He had a massive stroke to the brain stem and was on life support in NICU for a week so we knew it was coming and what we would have to do. It was the most difficult week of our lives. Marcus and my dad were extremely close (“the best Grandpa in the world…”) and it was devastating for him. He did NOT want to go to the hospital or the funeral. He has not visited his grave. I asked the funeral director’s wife who is a good friend of the family. She told me to let him decide when he’s ready. I know the time will come when he will want to, but after nearly 3 years, that still hasn’t happened. We talk and laugh about Grandpa (took him awhile to do that) but he’s not ready for that step. Grandpa was a strong Christian. As these ladies have said, as long as there’s breath, there’s hope. I’ll be praying for you family.
We took all the children to grandpa’s funeral and graveside service two years ago (so ages 8, 5, 4, almost 2, and baby). It was good for my older children and the youngest two didn’t really have a clue what was going on. They understood grandpa was not sick any more and having watched his long battle with cancer it was such a blessing to know that he felt better now. You know your child best.
Unfortunately our children have had a lot of experience with death as both of my parents died within a year of each other and their great grandmother on my husband’s side died during that time as well. The amazing positive thing is that they have a very clear understanding that death is a part of life, and although we grieve the loss because we miss the people we love, we can also appreciate the blessings that life has to offer. My son was 4 when my dad died (my daughter was 5), and when he saw my dad lying in the coffin at the viewing, he stopped and said, “That’s not Papa – that’s Papa’s body, but that isn’t really Papa.” Later when we talked more, he was able to clearly explain that the Papa he knew and loved was no longer in pain and was happier.
Since then, we have gone to several other funerals for friends’ relatives and each time a new conversation develops.
We never used any books, but just had open, age-appropriate conversations about death. My husband and I also prayed a lot over their emotional well-being and understanding. The kids have a wonderful compassion for others who have lost loved ones and I’ve seen them be able to use their own experiences to comfort others.
So, this is what we have done and it has been a good thing for our family. However, if you do not feel like you want to take your daughter, I do not think you should feel pressured to do so.
My dad died 3 years ago when my 4 kids were ages 2 through 7. We were praying for him and particularly for his salvation a lot on in the few months before he died. So my kids were aware of the situation. When he died, we all went to the funeral. I kept waiting for my kids to ask if GrandBob was saved but they never did so I didn’t bring it up again. Sadly, I never had any signs that he had come to faith. Just the other night my daughter was asking what hell was like but still none of them have ever asked me if he is there. I think kids take thinks more in stride than adults do often, especially if you can present things matter-of-factly and turn their thoughts to the future.
My children have been to quite a few wakes and funerals. 🙁 In 2003, my dad died. The boys were 6 and 4. In 2007, my cousin’s wife, my mom, and my husband’s grandparents (both) died. Shaoey was 2, and the boys were 7 and 9. They have all gone to the wakes and funerals. They handled it well (as can be expected).
Sadly, we have had lots of animals and with that come death. (MANY cats, a couple rabbit, gerbils, chickens….) Not that they relate to a human dying but it has given us a chance to talk about how death if a fact of life.
As for not knowing where someone is going…. I personally don’t know if my dad was saved. I do try to remind the kids that we don’t truly know what his heart was like at the end. If we went by his fruit…sigh. BUT still we don’t know his heart, only God does.
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