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Curing the "temper" habit
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I have read–and reread–in “Laying Down the Rails” and “The Way of the Will” about changing thoughts and redirecting when it comes to changing the habit of a “temper tantrum.” What I’m struggling with right now is being FAST enough to catch it before it happens.
I feel like my daughter is set off so quickly and sometimes unexpectedly (her brother “looked at her” wrong, for instance) that I can’t jump in to redirect before she’s angry. These are not normally full-fledged “tantrums;” it’s more of a response of a quick, short angry outburst/yellling/shouting followed by what would best be described as “The Brooding Sulks.” 😛 I’m currently forecasting some very dark teen years if we don’t get this turned around now. (She’s eight.)
ANY advice would be appreciated. When things go her way, she’s bright, cheerful, energetic, fun, and funny; with personality to spare. But things are not always going to go her way in life….we’ve got to help her reign this in.
How long has this been going on? Any new-ness in her life…foods, friends, outside activities, inside activities, etc? What have you done or tried so far? This would be helpful to us so we know as much as possible. Remembering all we can do is give friendly advice!
She’s always been one to err on the side of drama…. 😉 But it does seem to suddenly be increasing in frequency; more of a constant, underlying thing instead of “a bad day.”
As far as “new-ness” goes, this is her first year homeschooling, so I know that’s been a HUGE shift for her; she’s my social butterfly and I’ve had to try really hard to keep her up with her friends some. We also have a new-ish baby in the house, although at almost one year old, that’s not all that “new;” it was very unexpected, though, so it’s definitely been an adjustment. (This did turn her into the middle child. I don’t know if that has any relevance on the situation or not?)
I’ve also wondered about the weather. We’ve had such a string of awful, bitter cold; we’ve really been inside abnormally much and she’s my “gardening girl.” I wonder if it’s just the time of year that’s triggering it so badly.
So far, all I’ve really been able to do is respond in my calmest tone possible. “I’m not yelling at you; why are you yelling at me? I’m sorry you’re so upset about this….is there a way I can help?” She loves to drag me into a weird give-and-take; I think the theory is “bad attention is better than no attention” and the worst thing for her is when I finally say “let me know when you feel better” or “let me know when I can help” and walk away.
Thanks for bumping this! Yesterday was a MUCH better day, but one day doesn’t do much to really improve a habit…. 🙂
It just occurred to me to mention what I did differently yesterday that might have helped….
I’d been thinking very much along the punitive/punishment line, but I left my devotions that morning convinced of the idea to just “Love Her.” So I tried all day to do little things that would show her love. (Her morning juice in a pretty goblet, curling up and reading with her the minute she asked, things like that.) I feel like that gave her a good attitude overall and cut down on the potential for anger. Or maybe we just had a good day. lol
My almost six year old son has this problem, too. He’s funny, bright, imaginative, helpful, etc. but he explodes often. Just can’t always catch it in time, or forsee it. I am planning on doing some Laying Down the Rails with him soon. We are planning on returning to the GAPS diet after Easter for a few different issues in our kids. We did it successfully a few years ago, and I’m hoping that it might help him. Just a thought to look into that as well.
I have an explosive almost 7 year old. It seems cyclical, I’m inclined to think hormones are at fault. That doesn’t make it okay. I can’t catch it before it happens- its DAYS AND DAYS of screetching, yelling, fighting, sulking… she’s a land mine that goes off every few minutes. We’re all exhausted. I have NO IDEA what to do, but it’s nice to not be alone. I got the same message- “Just love her.” WOW that’s hard to do, I don’t want to reward the bad behavior by giving it attention, but I know that when she’s going on a day long binge of horrible behavior and I ignore it all, it makes it worse. Sending her to her room makes it worse, too (she’s also a social girl, and feels she’s being severely punished by being forced to be alone, although I see it as a natural consequence). I, too, worry about the teenage years… and the impact of all this on her younger sisters! UGH.
“These are not normally full-fledged “tantrums;” it’s more of a response of a quick, short angry outburst/yellling/shouting followed by what would best be described as “The Brooding Sulks.”
That sounded like our son. All the redirecting, punishment and prayer just didn’t seem to be changing his behavior. It turned out to be a soy allergy. We saw a DRASTIC change in behavior when soy was cut out. And now, after being soy free for nearly 2 years, anytime soy is accidentally added back into his system (because soy is hidden everywhere!) he is AWFUL once again. It’s almost like he can’t control his behavior and emotions with soy in his system. So prayerfully consider some form of food allergy being the root issue.
I’m not sure if you feel there is an anger issue, but I am reading a great book called The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo. I’d say it’s geared toward slightly older children (maybe 7 and up), but it’s a great biblically-based resource on what can cause anger and how to deal with it- identifying what the bible calls the specific sin and how it tells us to do it better.
I have started reading the Five Love Languages. Do you know her love language to feed that? There is a chapter on helping kids with anger too. http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Children-Teenagers-ebook/dp/B006IWD40M/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1399236288&sr=8-2&keywords=five+love+languages+of+children
It’s been funny to see this thread reappear. Good to know we’re not alone. 🙂
Things on this end have been much, MUCH better. Looking back, it does seem to be a strong case of “cabin fever,” and now that spring is here, things have really improved. We still have our moments, but it’s not a constant problem.
I actually read The Heart of Anger last year, and came to the conclusion (thankfully) that while my kids do have occasional outbursts, we don’t have angry children the way he describes. I should read the Love Languages book, because I read the one for grown-ups ages ago, and I don’t know that I could even tell you what her love language is. Many thanks to Wings2fly for mentioning that. I’ll definitely look into it.
Thanks again for all the input!
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