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Controlling myself in the midst of behavior issues
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I’m having great difficulty with discipline. I’ve been reading Christian parenting books & the Bible trying to ascertain how to address the issues, as well as seeking advice from others. Ultimately, I know there is a lot of “stuff” behind the issues I’m having with my girls (7yo & 4yo) in addition to what is probably developmentally normal, but the bigger issue is how I handle things. I know I have some hormonal issues that contribute to being irritable, moody & feeling drained to the point of having a hard time getting off my rear to address issues lol. I did find a specialist & found out my vitamin D was low plus likely low progesterone so have been taking vitamin D & bioidentical progesterone for two months. I have to say I noticed an improvement in my energy & more ability to control my irritability & anger, but am still having some issues & feel like some of the improvement has subsided. Anyway…that is to say I’m having a really hard time keeping calm when my children engage in inappropriate behaviors (though some may be perfectly normal developmentally but still need discipline). I’m willing to lay it all out there b/c I need help & have tried to find it many ways but without some accountability, I’m not sure I’ll get anywhere in changing otherwise. I came across a scripture the other day, 2 Cor 2:5-11, that shows why so much is going wrong with my girls’ attitudes & behavior right now…I’ve been too harsh, too unforgiving, not comforting often enough, etc. It terrifies me that I could be responsible for my girls being “overwhelmed by excessive sorrow” & ultimately leading them away from Christ. As I mentioned, there is a lot of “stuff” behind their attitudes & behavior, which includes divorce (not my or their choice) & remarriage (adding 2 more girls- 8yo & 6yo- & a step-father to their lives) on top of how I’ve handled/responded to them. I wish I could find a Titus 2 woman nearby to literally walk through this with me but haven’t had luck thus far. I’ve been on this discussion forum for some time as BetsyR but couldn’t get logged on for the life of me so re-signed up under my new married name (thus elsnow6). So, several of you “know” me & have been of help in the past…I’m just struggling to implement things. This isn’t just habit training anymore…this is healing so we cn habit train. I think there is too much anger & bitterness built up to discipline in some ways that might typically be used to address habit training but perhaps there are alternatives?? I know prayer is important, but I have to be able to get there. Is there anyone here that is willing to virtually partner with me? I will gladly divulge details of the behavior issues & my responses to anyone truly willing to help & not condemn (not that I typically see that on this board anyway 🙂
I know for me I loose control more due to two main issues: being tired or “busy”. I have gotten bettter about making sure I go to bed at a reasonable hour and am more in the moment with my kids rather than trying to do too much that pre-occupies me. I have been implementing more SupperNanny ideas and they have been working well for me. I made a list of the rules and sat down with my kids so they knew what was expected and what the consiquence would be if they did not follow any of the rules. When they break a rule I am better about staying calm and saying “that is not acceptable, we do not ____, now you will go in the corner.” Then I keep quiet until their time is up. It is hard at first to remember to stay calm but it can be learned and gets easier the more you do it. I think you can still discipline as long as you work on staying calm and they know as well that what they did was wrong since you have discussed the rules with them.
Aw man…I’ve been there and know what you’re talking about. Anger can be so tough! I grew up in a very dramatic enviroment with a mom who didn’t (still doesn’t) properly deal with conflict. I don’t want to have that kind of relationship with my kids. It’s a real fear of mine. I also suffered from monthly hormonal swings that I would dread. I took this supplement that helped (it’s expensive so I only take it before and around “that time of the month”): http://www.amazon.com/Vital-Nutrients-PMS-Support-Capsules/dp/B000LNOSQI
I wrote a blog post on this subject a few months ago: https://brighthope4tomorrow.wordpress.com/2013/04/26/and-do-not-hinder-them/
I really find that getting on my knees before I open my bedroom door in the morning makes a massive difference. Handing it over to God takes the pressure off and it really works! Sometimes I forget on the weekends to do this and there is a ton more tension between me and my kids. I hope you are able to tap into that “peace that passes understanding” too. HTH!
Oh Betsy, I could write a book about all that! My daughter says to me nowadays “Mom, you used to get really angry” and “Mom, you used to yell a lot” and it makes me want to cry twice over… Once because I am so sad about my anger, but again because I am SO THANKFUL it is “used to be”! God had to quite literally smack me upside the head about my anger… Four months of cluster headaches that literally made me want to die, where I realized I HAD to control my anger, or I would immediately be hit with one, and be completely incapacitated and unable to care for my family. I definitely had to learn in the crucible because I just wasn’t getting the message any other way 🙁
I also had serious fatigue issues, which left me really overwhelmed whenever things got out of control at home. I have had to learn to manage that better (more sleep, regular quiet time for ME, supplements, better food, establishing priorities nd letting go of anything outside of them). Thankfully, my super-tired days are the exception now rather than the rule.
Things aren’t perfect now, but our home life is drastically different. My relationship with my son (now 5) has been greatly restored and there’s a lot more affection and respect all around. I don’t know that I’m terribly wise or have much special to offer, but feel free to message me if you like.
I read the book free online at http://www.raisingodlytomatoes.com. It helped and I know I need to get enough sleep each night too. Eating healthy, daily exercise and quiet time and prayer are great as well. But please go to the link and on the left is “The Book”. Scroll down to The Parent’s Part » Fixing Ourselves, chapter 15. It is okay to read this chapter before the first part of the book, which is good too. But I love what the author says here about anger in “Mom’s emotions”.
I recommend always having a book going written by a Christian mom with Titus 2 in mind. I highly recommend Sally Clarkson’s Seasons of a Mother’s Heart to start off for this. She can help you by walking you through some of her real life examples and she inspires rather than condemns. I also plan to read some Terri Maxwell. There are more.
I wish I could help you with the healing part. But I think sometimes that is through time and God mostly. My parents split up 3 years ago after 36 years of marriage and I was depressed for a while. Church counselling, prayer, and annointing helped me. I still have issues stemming from it, but I am better each day. It is easier to deal with the holidays as I get used to the changes with each passing year. Divorce is like someone died, only there was no funeral or sympathy cards for a sense of closure – and the people are still alive, yet living different lives. Grieving is a part of the healing process just the same. I can offer only my experience here as an adult child of divorce. HTH. Blessings.
Thank you all so much! Sometimes I think I’m the worst mother around outside of ones doing drugs or truly neglecting their kids, which makes me feel so alone, hopeless & helpless. It’s nice to know there are others that have been where I am & area on the other side.
Ruth- yes, being pre-occupied is a major culprit as is being upset or anxious over something. I’m trying to figure out how to balance getting the home & other things taken care of while being attentive, gentle & patient in training my girls. I get caught up in “let me just so this one thing then…” thinking & often find it hard to tear myself away especially if the girls are being calm, , playing nicely at the moment. We definitely need to identify a few clear rules & consequences as I tend to pick on every little thing they do & largely based on my mood.
Mountain Mamma- oh your blog! Exactly what I’m experiencing with anger & reassuring that it can new conquered. I’ve started reading my bible in the mornings rather than waiting until night bc it wasn’t happening most nights. Problem is it just isn’t sticking once I start encountering the behavior issues which can crop up within a few minutes of the girls getting up. How do you reconnect to that in the midst of things?
Vikingkirken- yes, overwhelmed… between hormonal days & fatigue days it feels like I just start to get things under control when those times kick in & everything falls apart again. I literally think I have about one week out of the month I feel truly good. I will definitely pm you.
Wings2fly- I’ve read RGT & need to go back through the mom’s emotions section. My main difficulty with this approach is I do well at first in the “battle” but if they keep fighting, I get frustrated & eventually lose it. I can’t seem to be firm without being harsh, which makes spanking take on quite the wrong tone. I have almost zero patience. I definitely like to have books. Right now Shepherding a Child’s Heart & an old book on discipline I got free from Amazon after finding the link here… long title & possibly from Charlotte Mason’s time. My difficulty is figuring out how to implement this ideas in practical ways.
All this said, I’d love to be able to present specific issues I come up against & her virtual guidance on how to walk through these differently. I’ll pm you Vikingkirken & anyone else willing to partner let me know. I so appreciate your time, thoughts & help especially knowing each of you is likely as busy as I. 🙂
Betsy, my recommendation is to read the Titus 2 type books which have a narrative of “practical ways” and show a gentle mother giving grace and discipline in the everyday hs life, to inspire you. I think a daily dose of short readings of real-life examples could help you invision yourself as the mother you want to be. They are of great help to me and I thought they may inspire you to keep going when you feel like giving in. I have read Shepherding and it is much more instructional than what I am refering to. Although not as inspiring as Clarkson, Plowman’s Don’t Make Me Count to Three shows Tripp in “practice”.
Also keep a gentlenes journal about your specific issues and make notes from the inspiring “practical” Christian moms books I have refered to above. I am sorry, but I do not feel qualified to give advice to you on specific issues. I will pray for you though.
Wow, Betsy! I could have written your original post. I haven’t had divorce as an experience however, so that’s the only way I could tell I wasn’t reading something I’d written myself.
I grew up in a house with lots of bitterness, sarcasm, and yelling. Once we stopped yelling, we started screaming. Not the greatest training to be a good parent. The family of my youth interrupted constantly, didn’t listen ever, talked over the top of each other, and berated and belittled each other for every little imperfect thing such as weight issues, using the wrong word in a sentence, not understanding something seemingly simple, or even having an off day at sports. It was not a safe place, emotionally.
Unfortunately, I am quickly and inevitably passing these ungodly, unwanted, awful traits to my own daughters ages 9 and 6), so I can empathize very well with your pain and frustration! I have it too, sister! 🙂
Over the past several (maybe 7 or so) years, my patience had gradually all but disappeared. Since just this past February, things have improved greatly due to two things only: God’s provision and our change in eating habits. Our nutritional choices in the past were just awful and making better decisions in this regard has made an incredible difference. Where I would have just a year ago chosen a Banquet frozen dinner (yummmmm, still dreaming of those, btw), I now opt for a fresh raw salad. When I would’ve guzzled a Mtn Dew (or three), I now have water or green tea. When I would have made my toast soggy-drippy with butter, I now eat little bread at all, or plain toast if I sneak a piece. Gosh, I’m getting hungry.
Anyway, in addition to all the wonderful tips you’ve already gotten, I wanted to add my ‘crazy food lady’ opinion for what it’s worth. Also wanted you again to hear you’re not alone.
Thanks to the other posters for the book recommendations. Could use any more anyone’s willing to offer. Thanks, and God bless, Betsy!
While sad to know so many struggle with these same issues (bc I know it’s painful for us & our children), it’s comforting as well to know that I’m not just some totally messed up mom or unsaved (yes, sometimes my behaviour makes me question how the Holy Spirit could be in me). Plus it makes me see that maybe there’s an opportunity for those that have overcome these issues & those still struggling to form partnerships. I know many good books have been recommended & help offered inadditionto others saying they would like support & accountability in overcoming this. You will find that I generally do not mind laying it all out there especially if I’m pretty confident that it will not bring judgment but correction & help plus benefit others. That said, I have started communicating with one lady on here who graciously agreed to help me but perhaps there is a way to help more than myself. Any thoughts, ideas?
Sorry Jenni…I was responding bc of your post & just realized I skipped over the food idea. I know with hormonal stuff there’s recommendations to cut out things like caffeine, sugar. I don’t really drink caffeine very much… maybe a small cup of coffee a couple times per week, rarely a soft drink or tea. Of course I do like chocolate lol but still not like a daily thing. I’m trying to be better about sugar by not doing added sugar in products when possible, using raw honey or stevia to at least make healthier sugar choices though know can still affect blood sugar but I wouldn’t say I consume a ton of sugar but who knows bc can be snuck in a lot of things I don’t think about. I don’t do a lot of prepared or boxed food but when I get behind on getting groceries we end up grabbing things out to eat more though still not a lot I’d say. Overall I think we eat reasonably healthy though definitely haven’t managed to go the way of mostly organic or raw milk & things like that bc cost combined with our being had enough to get to the grocery store much less the farm & farmers market lol. I might lose it with the kids more if I added that she’s lol. That said, I do think about whether making additional improvements in my diet would help things & wonder what would make the greatest impact if I didn’t feel I could manage big changes. I do use some essential oils as my brother & sister in law for into using these & it has allowed him to come off several medications… along with some dietary changes too I believe.
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