Completely OT: Need input on relationship

Hi there,

Just wanted to chime in 🙂  I was totally not attracted to my husband when we met.  Not that there was a thing wrong with him physically, but he was just the total opposite of what I was attracted to.  I delayed getting to know him because of it!  But, there was something about him as a person that I loved so much that superceeded the rest.  Now 11 years later, we have our issues now and again like any marriage, but not once has it ever been based on looks.  I love him for who he is to me and to our daughters.  I do agree with Gina that I wouldn’r rush just because it is a second marriage and there are children involved, but if you have found someone who could love you truly and deeply your whole life and love your children as their own, who you can have good conversations with and lots of laughter, that is what really matters in my humble opinion. 🙂

hi betsy!

I’m glad that you have found someone that you are so comfortable with!  I think that the physical part will work itself out if this is the man whom God has chosen for you.

I understand the caution of wanting to wait when there are kids involved.  But, I also know, sometimes when you know, you know.  I am a group of Mom’s/Step-Mom’s, and there are people there who won’t date at all until their kids are grown, and there are those who dated/married their husband within the year.  I am my husband’s second wife (this is my first marriage).  We waited 3 years from the date we met to the time we married, and that was only because I was 18 when we met, and my parents wanted me to wait.  I would have married him within the year.  Only you can know what is best for your family. 

Have your kids met yet?  Have you all met each other’s kids?  This can be a huge thing in second marriages; how your kids get a long, differing parenting styles, etc.  How involved are each of your exes?  From experience, this is a huge thing.  I would stronlgy, strongly encourage you to find resources about blended families, step-parenting, etc.  I would also try to encourage you to find some support from other women.  I am part of an online group that is made up of Mom’s and Step-Mom’s, there to help each other try to see the other side of things.  You have to be careful about these, because many times you can go to a step-mom support group, and if all there is is step-mom’s it can get a little one sided, ykwim?  I would also really encourage some counseling before you get married with someone who deals with blended family situations.  That’s one things I wish we had done.  We did premarital counseling, but I think that the requirements should be much different for people who are blending families!  Also, there will be issues that arise in your marriage (as with any marriage!), but they will probably be more specirfic to 2nd marriages, and I am a strong believer that counseling is great for you personally and your marriage at any point in time, and especially in these situations, and you should not be hesitant about going!

Sorry if this was on the long side 🙂  This is kind of my soap box, so to speak…lol.

Hi Betsy,

First I want to commend you on your handling of the situation. I was once in a similar situation, though I wasn’t married. I was in a long term relationship, we had 2 daughters and the relationship was all around bad for all involved, we almost married but I cancelled the wedding even though invites were sent and locations were paid for – it was the craziest and best thing I ever did.

I was a single mom for a short while and I know some women – especially those who are immature – can be so involved with finding a man that they introduce their children to a slew of potential suitors and I have just never thought that was right. I also never really dated and my girls’ dad was the only man they had ever been around or seen me with, so I was very careful when I began talking to a man who expressed interest in me. I think introducing the man you are talking to to your children in a friendly, casual way was smart. Then it won’t be like “SURPRISE, I am getting married to this guy, this is Joe!”

My now husband and I had what many would call a short relationship and engagement lol But it was definitely right. He’s a great husband and father to my girls and we have a daughter together too now.

To get back to your original question though, I find it kind of crazy how so many women date men they aren’t initially attracted too but the same is rarely true of men dating women. My advice, and I speak from experience, is to go for it with the guy who has all those awesome qualities and it is likely you will start to see him as beautiful. I thought my hubby was just nice looking at first and now I am as crazy about him physically as I am about his personality and qualities. On the flip side, as shallow as it may sound lol, I would not recommend dating someone who you literally can’t stand the thought of being intimate with or  worse introduing to people or being seen with in public. I once read that it was okay to stop seeing someone because you can’t imagine going to the movies with them and having others hear their embarassing laugh lol That may sound extreme but I have dated a couple people I felt embarassed of, I’m ashamed to say it, but there was just no potential for the growth of attraction in those cases. It sounds like there is for your situation though, so I pray for the best for you and your daughters!

WARNING: Adult, physical relationship in marriage material discussed below.  If this makes you uncomfortable, please skip this post.

I have no experience like yours, Betsy, but a comment you made in the OP nudged me a little… well, at least to the point of posting. If I have misunderstood you, please forgive me.  My heart kind of aches a bit when I hear/ read comments similar to yours because, well, I’ll explain myself a bit more in a minute.

Anyway, you said, “I’m also not someone with a major interest in being physical intimacy but have no problem meeting a husband’s needs as long as I’m respected & have my other needs met (well, willing even if that isn’t the case b/c believe God calls me to that for a husband).” I know your concern is about the physical attraction, or rather, the lack thereof, but I would suggest that you think about the above in a different manner NOW, before marriage. Thinking that you are only meeting your husbands needs and will get your needs met in other ways *may* be a recipe for disaster – mentally – in regard to a sexual relationship with *any* future husband.  I would venture to say, without knowing more than you have written, that since your ex-husband was unfaithful numerous times, it boils down to being quite self-involved/ selfish/ self-centered – however you want to say it.  Since this was likely the case, he was likely not as interested in meeting your needs during horizontal fellowship as he was in having you meet his needs.  Just like any area of marriage, we are to be servants of the other in that we need to care as much, or maybe more, about the needs of the other.  I think it’s important for us, as women to not only expect to serve, respect, and physically love a future husband but also to expect to *be* respected, loved, and served in your marriage bed. 

I could go on and on, since this is an area that I’ve had to adjust my thinking from something akin to your comment to a more balanced idea… ie – I went from duty to God and husband to thanking God for the physicalness of our marriage bed.  The sad part is that it took me about 16 years to move from one mode of thinking to the other.  And while dh was always loving and gracious to me during that time, he’s more fulfilled and so am I in our marriage bed than I ever realized was possible.  Respect is a big, huge, enormously important thing for men, but, it seems as though the marriage bed is a close second for many men.

OK, stepping down from this little soap box and hoping I didn’t upset or offend others – especially you, Betsy.  Praying that God will make the direction you are to take with this relationship abundantly clear.

Pax Christo,

~jacqleene