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Competitive Homeschooling Environments
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Ugg …. I feel like I’ve found myself in a competitive homeschooling storm! How do you handle competitive environments in homeschooling? What would Charlotte say about peer competition? About pushing children to do more/better/faster? Better question – How do I get us out?!
Find new homeschool friends? 🙂 I have felt this with certain groups/friends and honestly life is better pulled away from those relationships. Fortunately my area has a large group of families who homeschool many different ways and we have good friends there. But if that’s not an option for you I’d just try not to engage and compare and trust in knowing what’s right for your family! I’ve pushed to use overly rigorous material for my less academic child and its not helpful:(
Claire,
I would say know what your goals are for your homeschool. This can help when everyone seems to be running off down some popular road or getting into comparison/competition. Ask yourself, “Am I meeting the goals I have for my homeschool?” Ulitmately this is what matters. Highly competitve people may be doing this to validate what they are doing with their kids.
I agree that finding new friends whose goals more closely match your own will be more encouraging, however knowing and believing in your own goals will give you peace that you don’t have to join in the race!
Thank you ladies. I think you are right. Time to pull out and keep searching for more like minded families and kids.
The funny thing is that I’ve always been very strong in what my goals have been for our homeschool in the past. Our move last year uprooted me and seems to have derailed me in ways I didn’t realize. It took me almost a year to see whats been going on …. !
The area we are in has an undertone of competitiveness in all areas – homes, schools, jobs, sports, etc. My husband is originally from here and this morning I mentioned to him my feelings about what we’ve been sucked in to regarding competition. He basically said “Yep, welcome to my world! Everything I wear, drive, do is critiqued and compared in a competitive spirit. That’s just how people think here.” I don’t mean to make it sound vicious. It’s far more subtle than that here. It’s just a culture sort of and the homeschooling famliies I’ve befriended enjoy it.
We lived in an area like that for 8 years and have been in our new, carefully chosen, area for 2 years now. Loving it! Some of that is everywhere, but it is at elevated levels in some places. Do your best to stay out from under that cloud of opression and be wary of the vacuum trying to suck you in ; )
Did you move to Dallas, Texas???! We loved it there, but it was definitely a highly competitive zone. We were very grateful to move from there (my hubbies’ hometown) back to Oklahoma where things are a little less competitive. And yes, I just threw that out there. Sorry, Texans :-).
I heard once that the reason people in big cities are often perceived as rude to outsiders is that they are a mecca to driven, type A, competitive people. You get a bunch of driven, type A, competitive people together and you get a lot of excellence – but not much room for grace or relaxation :).
I think you have to be intentional about the relationships you develop. A few years ago I realized that I kept being drawn to ‘big sister’ types who would plan things for me and basically boss me around (I am the baby in my family). So I came up with a plan:
1. Pray and ask God for specific types of friends. We almost always have a younger couple that we are friends with, and a couple or two who are at our age and stage of life. Right now we are asking God to develop a relationship with some older couples who can help us grow in the Lord and in our marriage.
2. The first time we invite a family over to play or eat, we intentionally keep things very casual and a little ‘un-together’. Not chaotic, mind you. But I don’t want them to see ‘perfect’ me when they walk in the door. I want to guage their reaction to a little mess…if they begin to feel superior or condescending (oh, bless your heart!) then I know things probably aren’t going to work out there.
3. Look for friends who put a high value on humility – for themselves and their children. We should be able to admit mistakes and laugh at ourselves. If a new acquaintance spends a great deal of time telling me about her kids’ awards and accomplishments, I know that isn’t a relationship that is going to develop much further. Self-effacement is a great and often overlooked character trait.
4. Common priorities. My two best friends aren’t homeschoolers. But they love their kids and love the Lord, and we have common priorities when it comes to raising our kids. We are all focused on discipleship, character, and service. And we all love to laugh! Look for people who have the big things in common with you, and cultivate those relationships.
5. Be open to surprising friendships! Sometimes God will just give you a love for someone that makes no sense at all (to earthly eyes). Be open to His purpose being fulfilled through your friendships.
Anyway, I know finding those relationships can be difficult. I feel so blessed that as I round the corner to 40 next year, I finally recognize my need for good friends and have found people who support our family on the journey.
Blessings to you!
I’ve been in those situations also, and changing venues is good advice, if you can do it.
If you can not, then realize that the others can only compete with you if you jump into the race. They can brag, flaunt their accomplishments, attempt to goad you into competition, make themselves look silly trying to push you into action and even taunt you, but only you can respond by trying to compete and “win”.
It can be hard to keep smiling and saying “how wonderful for her” when someone spends 10 minutes straight bragging about her darling daughter’s latest accomplishments. If you really believe in what you are doing educationally with your kids and *who you are in Christ*, it isnt as hard as it seems. In fact you can end up feeling sorry for the ones who only feel their value from external validation. 🙂
Servingwithjoy – Thank you! Reading your message just now was like a hug from a good friend. It lifted my spirits and encouraged my strength. It was also wise advice.
How interesting about big cities?! I can see that here. It is very dynamic but also almost manic. I really enjoy the opportuniites and creativity of the area but I could do without the undercurrent of competition that is in the homeschooling community. I wonder sometimes if they feel a little defensive here since homeschooling is not as popular as other choices and is less supported?
I’ve been so torn about leaving some of the activities we’ve gotten involved in because in and of themselves they are good and interesting and fun activities. It is just that the others involved in them have this super competitive spirit which is hard to over look and affects the environment.
I’d like to say that we could just participate and over look all the “other stuff” but I’m afraid it just doesn’t work for us. We will end up feeling sort of pulled, tossed, ragged. We’re kind of a sensitive family.
I need to make a decision! … I don’t want to, can you tell?! 😉
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