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Clueless about habit forming
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I use different punishments for different offences and childrem. The first one on the list is not answering or coming when called. I would have the child practice this over and over until they come quickly and nicely. For talking back, shouting, etc. my 6 yr old gets put in his room or the corner. They we repeat what started the mouthiness. My 2 yr old gets a swat and a “no, you don’t talk to mommy like that. Say yes mommy (or whatever)” and repeat whatever I said that got the mouthiness and practice correct responses until done nicely. Hitting, bitting, etc gets corner or room. I do a lot of corners and rooms for my 6 year old, because that is what really gets him. He is very social, so the time away from me and the rest of the family is usually enough to change his attitude. My 2yr old is very stubburn. I am still struggling to find what works best for her.
I just want to add a little something. I have four children including my oldest who is seven. This son is one of my greatest blesssings and greatest challenges. God has given him the gift of determination and passion. Those are wonderful things, but they need careful training, don’t they? I’m sorry to say that I have spent far too much time over the years focused on trying to “get him to obey”. Please do not misunderstand me–I know, absolutely, that it is my job to teach my children to obey me and it is their job to learn to obey me. Unfortunately for me, I was so focused on the “discipline” and ultimately, the results and the patterns I was using…that I often overlooked something that is so key to our discipleship of our children. And that is relationship.
I was blessed to read so many of the wise words here about giving your child all the heart input she needs! I do not have experience with divorce, so I can’t speak from knowledge or experience on that topic. But I know that every person needs to feel safe and loved. And we are all more likely to respond positively to correction when we have had our tanks/cups filled with affection, time, gentle words, and so on.
I heard this a million times, but for some reason I feel like it’s only just beginning to sink in for me. My anger, irritation, frustration with my child for not “getting with the program”, responding to me with respect, fitting my “pattern”, and so on was very, very, very destructive. Once God has worked on ME and started changing the junk in ME, I’ve been able to extend grace, love, and give of myself to see that my child’s needs for love are met. Snuggles, surprises, special planned times, hugs, reading books, gentle words–all these love giving and life giving things done from the right motivation on my part have softened my son’s heart. When correction does need to happen, we have the undergirding of a better relationship forming now. There’s more trust and understanding. We both seem more likely to handle the situation well. Not so much yelling, blaming, shaming on my part. Not so much yelling, defiance, rebellion on his.
This is not meant to be a finger pointing post by any means. This is just me sharing my own heart and struggles and hoping that someone else might be able to learn from them instead of repeating my terrible mistakes.
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