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child who doesn't want to share
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My 9 YO is a rather selfish child. She would prefer not to share any of her toys with her brothers, and often with her friends too. She will occasionally selectively share some toys (ie she wants to play horses with her 6 YO brother so she’ll give him a few of the “worst” ones). We have a box of Legos that used to belong to my siblings and me, and she considers all of them hers and doesn’t want to share (the 6 YO has a few Lego sets that are his, given to him as gifts, that aren’t mixed with the others and I don’t generally require him to share these, though I probably will once his brothers are old enough to play with them). My 3 boys don’t really have individual toys other than the 6 YO’s Legos–if one receives a Duplo set or Matchbox cars or whatever for a gift they go in the box with all the rest and they all share them. Some of DD’s toys/art supplies were originally “hers” not because I intended them to belong solely to her, but because she’s the oldest by 3 years and so some things were given to her first and initially she was the only one who used them. I don’t know if DD’s selfishness is because she’s the oldest girl and hasn’t been required to share everything like they have, or if it’s just her nature, but it needs to end. Our weekly Burgess Bird study has become rather unfun because she has a set of markers she bought a year or so ago with birthday money and the others want to use a few and she doesn’t want to share them at all (and she doesn’t want to share these with friends either) and so they fight over the markers. If it was just this one thing that would be one thing, but when she really doesn’t want to share anything ever…
How do you handle something like this? I am sorely tempted to throw all the markers in the garbage and replace them with an identical set that belongs to everyone… I am trying to minimize and do not want to have 2 sets of markers just so one set can belong solely to DD.
There are many ways families handle this but I can only share how my family does it.
Our basic rules: Personal possessions (that they purchased with their money, or that were gifted to them at birthday/Christmas) are just that – personal. They do not have to share them. However we also have a limit to how much they can have personally (limited by the space they are given to keep such things, when the space is full they have to start weeding out things to make room for what they want kept as their personal possession).
Everything else is the family’s and can be used by anyone who will use it well (meaning not destructively or unsafely – remember, I have 8 going on 9 children and 7 of those are boys. Many young boys. Not everything is made for my 2, 3, or 4 year old to use at their current age.)
Now, accompanying these two rules are a basic idea of not taunting or teasing your siblings that “I have this and you can’t play with it! Ha ha ha!” If you choose to tease/taunt you get to hand that item over to the person you were teasing with it. It’s just not okay to be rude like that.
We work on it from both sides of course – reminding each child that they have personal possessions they don’t have to share, and that they are not to touch/pick up/use someone else’s personal possessions without permission.
For the markers – I would have a family set and leave your daughter’s alone. I have some experience with art materials as personal possessions – my 14 year old (oldest) is artistic and will save up money to purchase quality art supplies. She does not share these unless she chooses to. For example, a set of brush pens that retail around $100 (though she found them for less) are not used by younger siblings without her express permission and oversight. Because it takes about 3 seconds to ruin one.
For most things I wouldn’t buy a family one just so the other kids have one to play with – I’m thinking of toys especially with this.
My oldest is like this too. Very frustrating, but as he approached age 11, I see that diminishing quite a bit. I think part of it is just learning those life lessons slowly but surely.
Tristan–how much space do you give each child for personal possessions? And what would you do if a child had toys they rarely used, but still didn’t want to share? DD has a number of toys that were gifts or she bought but she rarely plays with them. To my mind they either need to go or she needs to be willing to share them (she’s a hoarder and won’t willingly part with anything, ever). I do not make her share toys that are fragile like her Breyer-type horses. But the markers are $6 markers so it doesn’t seem unreasonable to require her to share them. I finally bought a second (identical) set and told her she has to share the first set but they’ll be replaced when they run dry.
All great suggestions and similar to what we do in our home. I have “art carts” and there are personal drawers for what was gifted or personally bought and then public-use drawers with supplies that everyone can use. Like others here, personal items are in personal spots in their rooms and have to be requested and approved to be used.
Sometimes my DDs will tell me they don’t mind sharing xyz but . . ., and then they go on to explain a perfectly reason why. I set up supervised sharing then. Allowing the sibling to use the item while I’m there (cooking or updating schedules, etc.–any thing to keep a close eye), and then I take responsibility for what happens. It helps take the stress/risk they feel out of sharing something precious.
While it is frustrating to see one child not share, especially when you see complete willingness in other children to do so (whether it be siblings or friends), I would encourage you to look for areas where she does share. Not sharing possessions is not the sole indicator for selfishness. We can all be selfish in one way or another. So I would encourage you too seek out and capitalize on (with praise) the times she is selfless. Does she give up time to help her siblings/friends in any way (read to them, help with work/school, play something they want to play, etc.)? What does she do for gifts–is she happy to part with money she has earned to buy something she knows her siblings/friends will enjoy, or does she take time to make something for others even a nice card? When siblings/friends are sick, does she want to do something nice (even a simple card)? These are all ways in which she is thinking of others.
If you don’t see any selfless behavior at all toward anyone, start setting up times to do so, such as sitting everyone down to make something nice for a relative, friend, shut-in, etc. Taking baby steps in other areas can lead to an awareness of one’s heart-attitude and establish a habit of selfless thinking.
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