Candy from grandparents…situation

It’s easy for me to identify because it’s the same way in our family!  LOL!  But I wasn’t even suggesting the leadership as you described which I think is fine and nothing to apologize for.  I was referring to you assuming leadership in being the one to have to take it away from your children and even  (do I remember reading?) addressing it (or other food issues) with his parents with him in the room.  I think it’s fine, fine, fine to take “control” or ‘leadership” in regards to food (as long as it’s not in direct opposition to hubby’s wishes as I know is a problem with another friend of mine) – I’m mainly thinking in the “discipline”/”confrontation”/”expressing conviction” area – it sounds like you are taking leadership and hubby is quietly supporting you – it might be time for him to be more vocal in his support or even for him to take the lead and you to support.  I find that if I confess that I’ve taken away my hubby’s responsibility to do it, it’s easier for him to take responsibility than when I come to him and tell him where he’s “shirked” responsibility without admitting any guilt on my part (which is ALWAYS there) – it’s just more respectful and assumes the best of him and why he might not be living up to his responsibility.

Oh Lindsey! What a rough spot! I hear your pain and frustration! I can relate, friend. There is a very good reason that we live 4000 miles away from my mom and almost 2000 from his. It seems easier to be up here. 🙂

That said, I make it very clear to my children that we are making choices with our food every day. Choices that other folks in our family usually, currently don’t make. Choices that they really *can’t* make because they simply don’t know why they shouldn’t eat something. And I emphasize that it is not our place to inform WHY unless someone asks. We just say a polite “no thanks, we don’t eat those” and that’s enough.

Case in point, a few weeks ago DH took the girls to the grocery store and they ran into some old neighbors. While the guys were talking fishing, the wife who is a PS kinder teacher took my girls and said, “let’s see what kind of treats we can find, ladies!” She led them to the donut case and said they could each pick one. Both girls kind of stared silently for a few moments until the older one finally piped up with, “We don’t eat donuts anymore. Since Mommy’s cancer, we don’t eat junk anymore.”

Okay, now I did not coach my daughter to play the cancer card, although she did it beautifully – seriously, how can you argue with that logic, huh? – BUT, this is a simple, polite explanation that my girls can use to help them make the right choices. BTW, my dds are 9 and 6. Could you help your kids make better choices themselves by role-playing some of these sticky situations they are likely to encounter?

We also had to role-play what they could say to the church choir director and the Sunday School teachers about the little plastic trinkets that were flooding our house. Instead, the teachers now give them a big hug or a little note of thanks for special efforts or behaviors that would normally warrant junky toys. And it is rubbing off on the other kids. When they see my kids behaving without being bribed to do so, it’s a little lightbulb moment, y’know?

Disclaimer: Some of their other less desirable behavior is contagious too unfortunately. Our dds are NOT angels, but we’re proud of them in this area for sure. 🙂

As far as talking with your MIL, oh wow. I have my own issues in this area, with MIL buying inappropriate clothing for the girls. I’m just not sure how to channel the grandparents’ need to buy treats into stuff we will actually use, without hurt feelings on any side.

I guess I would start with how frustrating it must be for her to want so badly to buy fun things for the kids, and be restricted in her purchases so much. I would just empathize and acknowledge the anxiety that restraint must produce in her. How she obviously does not want to undermine you guys, the parents, and yet she had a need to provide fun grandparent-y treats. Ask if a list of “bad” ingredients would be helpful. Ask if there is anything you could help her understand about why you guys do what you do. Ask her if she can relate to how awful it is for you to always be the “bad cop”. Ask her if she thinks there is a way to meet both needs, the treat-giving and the health-maintaining. Explain to her that you also sometimes feel it is so difficult to not give in to what would make your children happy, even if it is something you really know is not good for them. Explain it with that movie example from a previous poster – a fantastic illustration on how we protect our kids from their owns desires. Ask if a list of alternative treats would be helpful. Ask if she can shift her focus away from treats to maybe, activities. Maybe having grandma learn to make healthy cookies and doing that with the kids will create lasting memories in a way that liquid dyed, sugary wax bottles just can’t do.

Let us know how things pan out, would you? I said a quick prayer for your success in this area, Lindsey. You and your DH seem like reasonable people. Certainly you and your in-laws can find a happy middle somewhere.

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile just to see how this would all work out in our family situation and I have come to one conclusion (that’s all, just one).  I think, for our family, there may be some kind of generational thing going on.  My inlaws absolutely think we are crazy because of some of the protective barriers we have around our dc (not necessarily food related) and have thought that we are very controlling and just plain over the top.  I think they think that because they didn’t have to be so protective when we were growing up, or they just weren’t and didn’t see anything wrong with it.  Our dc are just floored by the stories we tell them about our childhood’s, like the walking around town at 10 years old, riding our bikes to the lake, walking to school with a group of friends (or alone) in elementary school, etc.  We ate a lot of junk that just seemed OK, from Hostess to Doritos to regular soda to Sunny D to microwave dinners…you get the point.  So although it was a time when you would think they would be following “their” parents’ footsteps, they completely went the convenience route instead (at least our parents did).  They honestly saw/see nothing wrong with it, especially if that is how they raised their kids.  What was a good choice, or just a choice, on their part may seem to be looked upon as a bad choice coming from us newer moms, especially since we are choosing differently (like homeschooling).  My inlaws are the first to say, “Well, that’s how I raised my kids, and they turned out alright.” It just seems as if people didn’t talk openly as much back then about things that are widely spoken of now (plus research has been done to document the problems with what is in our convenience foods) and we have the internet to help with all of the information on food allergies (not just peanut, milk, eggs).

I completely get the inlaw issue and plan to write down how I would like to be as a grandparent and try to remember how I felt as the daughter (dil).  I, too, love my inlaws and my parents but I usually point out that they had their turn and did a fine job (I have a great husband and I’m a pretty good wife) but we live in a different time with different options, a little more information, and completely different circumstances. 

Now we could stand to change our diets a bit ourselves, and have somewhat, but we do not have the diet restrictions as you have (except I can’t stand for my kids to have soda and too much candy or Hot Pockets), but we do have other restrictions/desires for them.  And, yes, my inlaws think we are crazy, overprotective, controlling, involved a little too much with our dc, etc.  But that’s ok.  Honestly, I don’t think they’d have it any other way, because they do think we are good parents.  What I think is that they become frustrated with our ways because the restrictions include them, too.  They are not give special privileges as grandparents.  I get it, and believe that my dh is going to be the type that is going to be just like his parents and want special priveleges, I have no doubt about that!  But he will have considered himself a good parent (in comparison to them) and feel he deserves it.  Ya, my dc are not going to see it that way…they will see it their own way 🙂

I could be way OT here and not know what I am talking about in regards to your own set of parents/inlaws, but this is how it would be with us. And, I’m not trying to make excuses for anyone, as this is very serious concerning your dc and should be treated as such.

I read your latest post and am glad for you that there is a resolution in sight.

That is an amazing update!  I love seeing God at work like that!

We just spent a week with my ILs and I let quite a bit  of junk food slide.  They hadn’t seen my DC in 3 years though (and generally asked permission first), so it was a bit of a different situation.  Then we came home to a week of VBS dinners (lots of Koolaid, Jello, deserts and processed foods).  We are all now trying to get back to healthier eating this week!  

Great news, Lindsey! So happy to hear of this blessed outcome!