Name: Thrive! NCHE Homeschool Conference
Start: 2025-05-22T00:00:00-05:00
End: 2025-05-24T23:59:59-05:00
Location: Winston-Salem, NC

This topic has 25 replies, 15 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 9 months ago by Jenni.

Viewing 11 posts - 16 through 26 (of 26 total)

← 1 2

Author
Posts
May 23, 2013 at 5:03 pm
Rebekahy
Participant
It’s easy for me to identify because it’s the same way in our family! LOL! But I wasn’t even suggesting the leadership as you described which I think is fine and nothing to apologize for. I was referring to you assuming leadership in being the one to have to take it away from your children and even (do I remember reading?) addressing it (or other food issues) with his parents with him in the room. I think it’s fine, fine, fine to take “control” or ‘leadership” in regards to food (as long as it’s not in direct opposition to hubby’s wishes as I know is a problem with another friend of mine) – I’m mainly thinking in the “discipline”/”confrontation”/”expressing conviction” area – it sounds like you are taking leadership and hubby is quietly supporting you – it might be time for him to be more vocal in his support or even for him to take the lead and you to support. I find that if I confess that I’ve taken away my hubby’s responsibility to do it, it’s easier for him to take responsibility than when I come to him and tell him where he’s “shirked” responsibility without admitting any guilt on my part (which is ALWAYS there) – it’s just more respectful and assumes the best of him and why he might not be living up to his responsibility.
May 23, 2013 at 5:18 pm
mrsmccardell
Participant
I have a MIL that seems to think if she buys all-natural, organic, dye-free etc that it doesn’t matter how much they eat. For example, they slept over her house one night and she brought all the leftover food: chocolate cereal (we eat cereal 1 x week and certainly not chocolate), gf muffins, gummies…just all this junk! She definitely takes the attitude that “I’m the grandmom!”
I also have felt like some of my family sees me as controlling due to our choices with eating. My sister finally started offering to make gf/cf cupcakes for birthday parties she hosted and I chose not to fight her on the icing. But no one else in my family offers an allergy-friendly meal/dessert. So, we bring along all the kiddos and our own meals/desserts…fun, right! Sorry, I’m more venting than helping…overall, I can relate. I pray that their eyes can be opened.
Blessings, Leslie
May 23, 2013 at 7:17 pm
Jenni
Participant
Oh Lindsey! What a rough spot! I hear your pain and frustration! I can relate, friend. There is a very good reason that we live 4000 miles away from my mom and almost 2000 from his. It seems easier to be up here. 🙂
That said, I make it very clear to my children that we are making choices with our food every day. Choices that other folks in our family usually, currently don’t make. Choices that they really *can’t* make because they simply don’t know why they shouldn’t eat something. And I emphasize that it is not our place to inform WHY unless someone asks. We just say a polite “no thanks, we don’t eat those” and that’s enough.
Case in point, a few weeks ago DH took the girls to the grocery store and they ran into some old neighbors. While the guys were talking fishing, the wife who is a PS kinder teacher took my girls and said, “let’s see what kind of treats we can find, ladies!” She led them to the donut case and said they could each pick one. Both girls kind of stared silently for a few moments until the older one finally piped up with, “We don’t eat donuts anymore. Since Mommy’s cancer, we don’t eat junk anymore.”
Okay, now I did not coach my daughter to play the cancer card, although she did it beautifully – seriously, how can you argue with that logic, huh? – BUT, this is a simple, polite explanation that my girls can use to help them make the right choices. BTW, my dds are 9 and 6. Could you help your kids make better choices themselves by role-playing some of these sticky situations they are likely to encounter?
We also had to role-play what they could say to the church choir director and the Sunday School teachers about the little plastic trinkets that were flooding our house. Instead, the teachers now give them a big hug or a little note of thanks for special efforts or behaviors that would normally warrant junky toys. And it is rubbing off on the other kids. When they see my kids behaving without being bribed to do so, it’s a little lightbulb moment, y’know?
Disclaimer: Some of their other less desirable behavior is contagious too unfortunately. Our dds are NOT angels, but we’re proud of them in this area for sure. 🙂
As far as talking with your MIL, oh wow. I have my own issues in this area, with MIL buying inappropriate clothing for the girls. I’m just not sure how to channel the grandparents’ need to buy treats into stuff we will actually use, without hurt feelings on any side.
I guess I would start with how frustrating it must be for her to want so badly to buy fun things for the kids, and be restricted in her purchases so much. I would just empathize and acknowledge the anxiety that restraint must produce in her. How she obviously does not want to undermine you guys, the parents, and yet she had a need to provide fun grandparent-y treats. Ask if a list of “bad” ingredients would be helpful. Ask if there is anything you could help her understand about why you guys do what you do. Ask her if she can relate to how awful it is for you to always be the “bad cop”. Ask her if she thinks there is a way to meet both needs, the treat-giving and the health-maintaining. Explain to her that you also sometimes feel it is so difficult to not give in to what would make your children happy, even if it is something you really know is not good for them. Explain it with that movie example from a previous poster – a fantastic illustration on how we protect our kids from their owns desires. Ask if a list of alternative treats would be helpful. Ask if she can shift her focus away from treats to maybe, activities. Maybe having grandma learn to make healthy cookies and doing that with the kids will create lasting memories in a way that liquid dyed, sugary wax bottles just can’t do.
Let us know how things pan out, would you? I said a quick prayer for your success in this area, Lindsey. You and your DH seem like reasonable people. Certainly you and your in-laws can find a happy middle somewhere.
May 23, 2013 at 7:59 pm
art
Participant
We have a lot of food “restrictions” which I really feel are freedoms–freedom from feeling or acting terrible. But we’ve had that going on around here for almost 10 years. My kids are 19, 14, 11, and 10. They simply won’t eat something that makes them feel or act badly. I don’t know how we came to that, but it’s lovely. We call them food allergies and people are very respectful of that usually. I really don’t have to tell my life story about our choices.
We could be eating all that stuff that makes us sick or have uncontrollable anger, but why would we ever do that?
I’m not sure what my point is exactly for you, but I guess if you can have your kids on board; that might take care of it by itself. It sounds like they are on board most of the time. My kids don’t even see it as a “Mom says” issue any more. For a time I think they may have (and maybe other family members did too–my dad who cooks Sunday dinner every week) but they don’t see it like that any more.
My dad came around fully when I would have to call him up and ask him if there wasn’t just something in the dinner I hadn’t known about because one of the kids was having a bad week. It happened often enough that he’s very careful now, because he doesn’t want to make them sick.
I talk to the kids about not eating things and have them look back at how they felt or acted when they did eat them. I also tell them we will be stronger because of the struggle we have with our food issues. I think they’re grateful for the strength. If we have to make food choices that make us feel like we stand alone, then other choices that leave us standing alone will be easier.
Anyway, I guess I don’t have great advice about how to handle the situation with your inlaws. But if anyone (grandparent or not) offers my kids something they know isn’t what we eat, they say, “Thanks, but I can’t eat that.” It takes care of it. No one ever tries to talk them into it. I can’t remember how old your kids are, so I don’t know if they’re old enough to always be sure if they can actually eat what’s offered or not. But I’m sure they would all know they can’t have the wax bottles of liquid sugar. So, if they could have said, “Thanks, but we can’t eat that.” It wouldn’t be a thing involving you at all.
Do your kids think it’s because you say so or because it harms them? It reminds me of the Charlotte Mason motto: “I ought.” You know, the idea that mom’s aren’t making arbitrary decisions because they feel like it but because it’s what ought to be for the good of the family.
I’m not sure if I’m making sense. I’ve had a couple weeks of migraines, sleepless nights, my oldest leaving for a church mission for 2 years; so I’m not counting on being very coherent lately.
Good luck with it all–you’re a great mom!
May 24, 2013 at 2:47 pm
LindseyD
Participant
I cannot thank all of you enough for your responses! Just to know that someone is out there who not only agrees with our position, but who encourages and supports us in it is so comforting. Dh and I went on a date last night and discussed the issue. He is 100% ready to talk to his parents about this situation. He said he couldn’t believe that they gave our kids that candy, knowing Mommy wouldn’t be happy. He said he plans to tell his parents that the lifestyle we’ve chosen isn’t some temporary phase that we’re going through but that it’s something we plan to live indefinitely and that he would appreciate their respect for our choices. (I don’t know why they would think it’s a “phase” anyway; we’ve been living like this for 4-5 years!)
Anyway, I’ll update you after he talks to them. It may be today or tomorrow; I’m not sure. We have a big remodel going on in our master suite right now, and most of our attention and focus is on finishing it by next week. Pray for us!! I’m ready for a bedroom after 2 months of sleeping in our finished attic/school room/office space!
May 25, 2013 at 12:39 pm
easybrizy
Participant
Forgive me as I don’t have time at the moment to read all the replies and I may be repeating others’ ideas. I have an eight year old son who reacts significantly (very significantly) to artificial flavors and dyes. We realized it about a year and half ago and he has been off them since then. So, yes, for the most part our whole family is also off of them.
I completely understand the issue with the inlaws. I have wonderful, wonderful inlaws. When we discovered this issue we sat down with them and explained its effects on our son and why it was so important for him not to have these things any more. Just a few days later my MIL bought my son a large bottle of red Powerade while he was with her. I remember being so angry. But she really didn’t get it. I don’t think she realized the severity of the situation, and I think she honestly forgot. I was very, very angry. And we had to deal with the fallout. Now my son is aware enough that he will actually ask me if something is safe for him, or he will tell someone he can’t have it if he knows it’s not safe. In our family we treat it like an allergy and we often explain it to others that way. People take allergies more seriously than “food sensitivities”. No, he doesn’t have an actual IgE response to these things, but his body can’t handle it, and that’s the way most people understand allergies anyway.
In this situation, I’d probably replace the candy and treats with safe candy and treats. Pure chocolate as one of the first posters suggested or some other treat your children can have. I’d also be asking my DH to take the lead on this one since they are his parents. My DH has sat down with his parents on his own a couple of times to firmly share his conviction or decision about something concerning our family. I think they have tended to listen more to him than to me. I think they maybe think I’m a bit crazy. 😛 It was very difficult for him, but he did it.
I’m glancing up and seeing your final response about your DH going to talk to them! Well. Good idea! Ha!
May 25, 2013 at 5:02 pm
my3boys
Participant
I’ve been thinking about this for awhile just to see how this would all work out in our family situation and I have come to one conclusion (that’s all, just one). I think, for our family, there may be some kind of generational thing going on. My inlaws absolutely think we are crazy because of some of the protective barriers we have around our dc (not necessarily food related) and have thought that we are very controlling and just plain over the top. I think they think that because they didn’t have to be so protective when we were growing up, or they just weren’t and didn’t see anything wrong with it. Our dc are just floored by the stories we tell them about our childhood’s, like the walking around town at 10 years old, riding our bikes to the lake, walking to school with a group of friends (or alone) in elementary school, etc. We ate a lot of junk that just seemed OK, from Hostess to Doritos to regular soda to Sunny D to microwave dinners…you get the point. So although it was a time when you would think they would be following “their” parents’ footsteps, they completely went the convenience route instead (at least our parents did). They honestly saw/see nothing wrong with it, especially if that is how they raised their kids. What was a good choice, or just a choice, on their part may seem to be looked upon as a bad choice coming from us newer moms, especially since we are choosing differently (like homeschooling). My inlaws are the first to say, “Well, that’s how I raised my kids, and they turned out alright.” It just seems as if people didn’t talk openly as much back then about things that are widely spoken of now (plus research has been done to document the problems with what is in our convenience foods) and we have the internet to help with all of the information on food allergies (not just peanut, milk, eggs).
I completely get the inlaw issue and plan to write down how I would like to be as a grandparent and try to remember how I felt as the daughter (dil). I, too, love my inlaws and my parents but I usually point out that they had their turn and did a fine job (I have a great husband and I’m a pretty good wife) but we live in a different time with different options, a little more information, and completely different circumstances.
Now we could stand to change our diets a bit ourselves, and have somewhat, but we do not have the diet restrictions as you have (except I can’t stand for my kids to have soda and too much candy or Hot Pockets), but we do have other restrictions/desires for them. And, yes, my inlaws think we are crazy, overprotective, controlling, involved a little too much with our dc, etc. But that’s ok. Honestly, I don’t think they’d have it any other way, because they do think we are good parents. What I think is that they become frustrated with our ways because the restrictions include them, too. They are not give special privileges as grandparents. I get it, and believe that my dh is going to be the type that is going to be just like his parents and want special priveleges, I have no doubt about that! But he will have considered himself a good parent (in comparison to them) and feel he deserves it. Ya, my dc are not going to see it that way…they will see it their own way 🙂
I could be way OT here and not know what I am talking about in regards to your own set of parents/inlaws, but this is how it would be with us. And, I’m not trying to make excuses for anyone, as this is very serious concerning your dc and should be treated as such.
I read your latest post and am glad for you that there is a resolution in sight.
July 21, 2013 at 8:07 pm
LindseyD
Participant
Sorry, I know this is old, but I promised I would update on the outcome of this situation! Dh DID talk to his parents within a couple of days of this thread. The outcome was wonderful!
My FIL took responsibility for his actions and lack of respect toward our dietary preferences. He admitted to trying to be fun, but saw that he made us out to be the “bad guy” in front of our children. My MIL never admitted to being manipulative, but we forgave her anyway. They weren’t expecting us to confront them about it at all, so I think the confrontation itself was enough to help them see that we are very serious about this lifestyle we have chosen and that it isn’t just a phase we’re going through.
Dh stood up and took the lead in this situation, bringing up these issues with his parents and even admitting some of his own lack of respect for our lifestyle when he’s not at home. I was surprised by this, but admired him so much for admitting something to his mom and dad that he knew would probably disappoint me. I have a deeper respect for my husband now because of this.
Even more surprising is that I have noticed my FIL making a greater effort to change his eating habits! He is asking questions about why we eat what we eat and I have seen him bringing more healthy snacks home for himself. Instead of taking his meds w/ a Hostess cupcake every morning, he’s taking them with walnuts, almonds or pistachios instead. Both of my in-laws have started drinking water with lemon or lime squeezed in it rather than the store bought flavored, sweetened teas and juice they were drinking previously. AND, as if all that wasn’t enough, they have started eating dinner with us most evenings!
Looking back, I’m thankful that the situation happened because it has opened many positive doors regarding my in-laws. They probably won’t be living with us much longer (and they will be greatly missed), but I have prayed fromt he beginning that we would inspire them to make some lifestyle changes, and it seems God is answering my prayers!
So that’s the update! Thanks for being patient while I totally forgot about it!
Blessings,
Lindsey
July 21, 2013 at 8:47 pm
HollyS
Participant
That is an amazing update! I love seeing God at work like that!
We just spent a week with my ILs and I let quite a bit of junk food slide. They hadn’t seen my DC in 3 years though (and generally asked permission first), so it was a bit of a different situation. Then we came home to a week of VBS dinners (lots of Koolaid, Jello, deserts and processed foods). We are all now trying to get back to healthier eating this week!
July 21, 2013 at 9:42 pm
cdm2kk
Participant
I realize this is late, but I too have had this problem. How woud you and your husband respond if your FIL had bbought your children shoes instead of candy but all the wrong sizes like 3 sizes too big. Would there be any question what you would do? Nope, thank them for thinking of you and saying for all to hear, “Guys so & so was so sweet to think of you and want to get you something, unfortunately it does not fit our family, so we will exchange it for something that is as soon as we can.” Then do just that. Take candy back and get a book!! LOL
Anyway, my inlaws got to save face, we did too, and kids & inlaws know that we mean what we say. Hasn’t happened since and we are all still very close. Just thought seeing it in a different perspective might help a bad fit is a bad fit regardless of opinions.
July 22, 2013 at 12:38 am
Jenni
Participant
Great news, Lindsey! So happy to hear of this blessed outcome!