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Candy from grandparents…situation
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I am just at a loss for what to do this morning. My in-laws gave me a present for my birthday (next week) and also (as usual) brought treats for my kids. Usually they’ll bring a cheap toy like a yo-yo or something, but today they brought what they know is a BIG no-no in our home: those wax bottles filled with colored liquid sugar that you drink. Even before presenting these to my kids, my MIL even said, “These are NOT from me, they’re from Pops. And Mommy may not be very happy about it.” So they already knew what my feelings about it were and still chose to give this junk to my kids.
I know some of you would probably say that it’s a treat and I should just let them have it, but the problem is that my dd is VERY sensitive to artifical dyes. When we first began eating healthy, the first thing we did was remove all artificial colors and flavors because we figured out that it caused her to act very ADD/ADHD and exacerbated her sensory processing issues. That was when she was 3, and we never kept it a secret from our family. Just about every birthday, holiday, or get together, I have to be the one to say they can’t have this or that because of the ingredients that we absolutely don’t allow. Every time she’s ever had artificial colors, her behavior becomes erratic, hyper, nonsensical, and annoying. It usually takes a full 24-48 hours before it works its way out of her body.
We were all sitting in our living room when they presented the candy, and of course, my children had no clue what it was. My husband knew immediately that I wasn’t happy, and he even said to my FIL, “She can have it if you want to babysit.” So now my children are walking around with tiny bottles filled with HFCS, Red 40, Blue 1, and Yellow 5, wanting to know when they can open them.
The even bigger problem is that my in-laws are currently living with us, and the way we eat/live is not a secret. They have chosen not to join us for meals and such as they feel they are doing some great service to us by respecting our family time. We have repeatedly invited them, but they have decided to keep a small fridge in their room and eat microwave dinners instead. Believe it or not, we actually have a fantastic relationship with them. They are two of the most important people in my life, and I love my MIL like my own mom. We’ve never had any arguments, although the eating thing has always been a subject that I know they don’t approve of, but they’ve never openly said that.
I just feel so disrespected in my own home. I feel like now I have to be the bad guy to my kids (which I am enough already) and take away what was given to them. My kids will never see that what my in-laws did was disrespectful to our family; they will only remember that Mommy was the bad guy for always taking their treats away and never letting them have anything.
Dh agrees with me that it was wrong of them to give these candies to my kids, knowing the issues we have with the ingredients. Why else would my MIL have made a point to say they weren’t from her but from my FIL?
Anyway, if you can’t tell, I’m furious. I’m furious at my in-laws, furious at myself because I know I’ll have to be the mean Mommy later, furious for not having the guts to stand up to them, furious because I know this is going to cause my children to resent me because they really don’t understand why they can’t just have the stupid candy.
Please help me decide what to do about this. I get so tired of this happening.
Thanks,
Lindsey
Lindsey, unfortunately I don’t have time for a well thought out response, but just wanted to address the mean mom issue quickly. My son also can’t have any artificial colors or flavors, hence none of us have it. My kids all know they can’t have certain types of candy, soda, fake juice, etc. So they don’t even ask anymore. On occasions when I can see that they are reallyfeeling left out or resentful, I often exchange their bad candy for some pure chocolate or something like that. I know its not necessary, but I try to remember how its hard to be a kid with different rules from everyone else.
Oh, pslively, we are the same as your family. None of us eats anything the others can’t have. We’re all grain-free, refined sugar-free, dye-free, etc. Dd is not being singled out at all. Even if there wasn’t a sensitivity issue, I still wouldn’t let either one of them have the candy.
Have you explained to your kids some of the exact ingredients and how they affect their health? As we have been trying to be better about keeping some things out of our diet, like HFCS, dyes, natural/artifical flavors, preservatives, etc., I have explained to the kids about it. I have told them that as we’ve learned more we are making the choice not to eat some of these things anymore. I’ve also told them that not everyone is making that choice and it is okay. Our choices are not everyone elses choices. Then, when I tell them that we are not going to eat something, I tell them why. “That has ___________ in it, so we are not going to eat it.” They have gotten to where they have a pretty good idea that some things will not be okay and ask about them.
I would take your children aside, read the label on the candy, tell them all the things that are in it that you do not approve of and explain why your are choosing for them not to eat it. They will be disappointed but I find when I explain in this way that my children are accepting of it. Maybe also encourage them to say “No thank you” when they are offered candy or to always so that they will have to ask you if it is okay for them to eat. Help your kids to make the decision for themselves for their health. That will probably help to discourge your inlaws from trying to give them forbidden foods.
You may need to have a direct conversation with your inlaws. Especially if they are living with you. Let them know what is okay to give your kids. Make a written list of what is okay or what is not okay and give it to them. Let them know how it makes you feel and how it makes your kids feel when they are given something and then not allowed to have it.
I understand the whole “We’re giving you your family space” situations. We’ve dealt with that with my inlaws, too. That is frustrating and I’m sorry you are dealing with that. I finally got to the point that I quit inviting them to do things very often. Then after we moved several hours away, they regularly do things with my brother in law and his family. My Mom says that when we moved, they probably realized that they’d been missing out on opportunities with they’re grandkids/family, and are making change so it doesn’t happen with their other son, too. Frustrating. I try not to think about it.
God bless you as you deal with this situation. Remember to pray before dealing with any of it so you’ll have the right words and the right frame of mind.
I think just choosing to not eat sugar, dyes, etc is seen as ‘over the top’ with some folks but you are lucky in that you have a ‘real’ reason to avoid these…well, poisons. I think if it were me, I’d talk with my MIL privately to let her know how serious it is when your child eats artificial foods (yes, I know she already knows but somehow she doesn’t Really Know so go through it again), talk with the children about what is in the candy. Maybe even say you just read about the candy on the internet to see what was in it and you found out it has things you can’t eat. Then take the candy and replace it with some other treat, edible or adventure-wise, inviting the grandparents along, and that will be the celebration. Seems if you let them have it now then the situation will be repeated. Good luck!
pangit, I can’t even tell you the number of conversations we’ve had with our kids on making good food choices, bad ingredients, why they can’t have them, etc. Unfortunately, my children still want the bad stuff when it’s given to them, especially by someone they love and trust. It’s weird that it’s really not a big deal to throw away a bag of candy they get as a party favor at a birthday party; sure, they’re slightly disappointed, but they don’t cry about it or anything. But when it’s someone like a grandparent, they get very emotional and upset about not having it. We still don’t give in because of this, but it makes it so much more difficult to stick to our guns.
Our science curriculum this year was Real Food Nutrition for Kids. We talked so much about what’s good and not good for our bodies and why. If you ask them if artificial colors are good for them, they will say no. But if you offer it to them, they’ll still eat it. I’ve even told them that I can’t make all their decisions for them and that one day they are going to have to learn to make good choices for themselves. Sometimes they have surprised me by telling me that they refused something at church because they knew they shouldn’t have it. But most of the time, it’s still more about what they want rather than making a good choice because it’s what’s best.
Also, whether it’s at church or right here at home or at a party, I think it’s grossly unfair to children to put them in a situation where they have to make a choice, especially when they’re so young. I realize that this prepares them for when they’re older and have to choose between sin/righteousness, but when it’s coming from an adult they love and trust, I think it’s only natural for the child to not question whether it’s good or bad. Everything coming from Grandma is good, in their minds. Does that make sense?
I also think it’s grossly unfair to put me as the mom in those situations. If the candy wasn’t offered and it had been a cheap toy instead, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. People can hand our kids stuff all day long, but as the moms we’re still responsible for filtering out what’s acceptible or not. I’m just tired of being put in that situation by people I love and trust.
I know you probably agree with all I’ve said. I’m still venting…
Ah, unfortunately I have had all too much experience with being disrespected over these types of things by grandparents, etc. I agree with pslively, that exchanging the gift candy for an acceptable treat would probably help with the kids “mean mommy” attitudes, especially if you make the acceptable treat something your kids realllly love. My older boys actually used to rejoice when they got unacceptable “gifts” because they knew Mom would get them something they really liked a lot in exchange. After all, our goal isnt to keep good things from our kids, but just the things that we know will hurt them. 😉 Also, making sure my kids see the benefit for themselves of avoiding the things we don;t allow helps a lot. Still working on this with my gluten intolerent 5yo!
I suspect your in laws may be having their own quiet time in their room for meals for their own (percieved) sanity. If they choose *not* to eat grain-free, refined sugar-free, dye-free, etc they probbaly prefer the microwave meals as they are familiar. Also, the normal hub-bub of the kids might be overwhelming for them. This is not negative toward you or your family, it just reflects their comfort zone.
Unfortunately, I think there is very little you can do to change their minds about what they should give your kids as gifts. I don’t know if this is true for your in-laws, but I see many grandparents who have an attitude of “I get to do anything I want with the grands and the parents can clean up the mess”. This kind of narcissism isn’t going to change unless they *want* it to change. :-/
Is your husband willing to set some appropriate boundaries with his parents, especially while they are living in your home? For example: “Dad & Mom, I really appreciate that you love to get treats for the kids, and enjoy seeing them enjoy their treats. Unfortunately, when you bring them things you know are not allowed by Lindsey and I, its sets up all kinds of conflict and discontent for the kids. For their sake, please only get them grain-free, refined sugar-free, dye-free, etc. treats. If you need help finding those we would be more than happy to help you. Please do not offer them the other treats as we will not allow them and will exchange them for treats that do not cause problems. Thank you.”
Of course, you could set these boundaries yourself with your in-laws (and probably will have to) but since it is his parents, it would probably be best for *him* to set the initial boundary. At least thats been my experience. The in-laws wont like it, but oh well. I think the kids health and well being should come first for all the adults in their lives.
potpourri, I didn’t think about it being a passive-aggressive move on my MIL’s part, but you’re absolutely right. Thank you for pointing that out.
Shannon, I’m not giving in! I don’t want this situation repeated. It’s happened enough over the years, so I guess I have no reason to believe this might be the last time.
I like the idea of giving a list of things the kids can have. Even chocolate is if-y because we don’t do soy either, and most chocolate has soy lecithin in it. My in-laws see our food choices as a control issue of mine. I know they do. Like I have to be in control all the time and I’m using food as a power trip or something.
I just know that the easy road is to say yes, let them have the candy, and deal with the consequences. I want to be a YES mom, I really do. But I don’t want to take the easy road. I want to show my children that I am consistent, firm, and allow them to have good treats that are yummy AND good for them. And if nothing else, I want to make a point to my in-laws that no amount of guilt, coersion, or whatever is going to make me change my mind. I know what’s best for my kids, and I’m not going to give them something that would harm them just because it’s the “nice” thing to do.
Lindsey, I can understand your feelings and I would be mad too. It sounds like you and your in-laws get along well except in the area of food and diet. So that leads me to think that they are just choosing not to believe that eating a whole foods diet free of chemicals is best. They must know…they just don’t want to do it, which is why they eat their own food. And they are choosing to not see the harm in giving junk to your kids, they probably say things like “Oh, once in a while won’t hurt”. But those sugar liquid bottles??? Those are the worst!
We eat well in our family too, and my kids understand the difference between good, whole food and junk. But even still, when offered it (and I say yes) they will happily eat junk. It’s not their fault.
I don’t know what you should do other than have another talk with them, and I’m sure you already have in the past. Let us know what happens, please, because I’d like to learn from your experience.
curlywhirly, I think we were posting at the same time!
I couldn’t agree more with what you said. I wouldn’t even think of having a conversation about this with them without dh present. When dh says something in support of me, it dispells the perceived “control” that they think I want/need. Dh agrees that dd shouldn’t have artificial dyes, hence the reason he told my FIL she could have the candy if he would babysit. Dh knows the effects those foods have on dd’s mind. We just can’t allow it.
Also Shannon, I realize my above comment may have seemed like I was “yelling” at you. I was exclaiming to you that I am indeed not going to give in. I’m going to stick to my guns and fight the fight because it’s worth it to me. It was more of a firing-up of my own emotions, but I see now that it could have come across as rude because you couldn’t “hear” my tone.
potpourri, the Real Food Nutrition for Kids came from the Food Renegade’s site. It was $19.99 for the PDF download. I printed out 2 copies and that was science for this year. It last us a little longer than our first term, but was a great buy! We all really enjoyed it!
I feel your pain! While we do allow our children candy etc, we live very close to both sets of grandparents, so our problem is just the sheer VOLUME of treats and cheap toys finding their way over. My family is much more respectful and they always call and ask permission to bring whatever it is they’re bringing before the kids see it/know about it. My husband’s family, not so much. He finally just had to get mean and tell them-no more treats. This is so terrible, but the situation improved immensely when my fil had a heart attack and mil started a more healthy lifestyle. It sounds like your conflict is that you don’t want to be Mean Mommy-maybe Dad could take a turn? 😉 Hang in there!
Helping our children make the right health choices is just like any other habit, it takes time and lots of it. Especially when trusted and loved adults aren’t making the same choices. I think every time you deal with an unwanted item you will need to reinforce the reasons to your children. That is wonderful that they have said “no” to something offered at church because they knew it wasn’t a good choice!! That is progress in the right direction. My kids do still ask for things that they know they aren’t allowed. Or they say the wish they could have something that they aren’t allowed.
I found that making a list for my parents and my grandparents really helped. I was surprised when my grandmother told me she didn’t buy some snack at the store because it had something in it we don’t eat. Instead she looked and found something that the girls could have.
While it sounds like your husband agrees with you, it kind of sounds like he’s letting YOU deal with it, which is kind of shirking his responsibility as the leader of the family. Since it was HIS parents that gave the gift, he needs to be the one that deals with it on both fronts. He needs to speak directly to the parents – you don’t even need to be there and it might even be better if you weren’t there. BUT he ALSO needs to be the one to deal with it with the kids. If he AGREES that your DC shouldn’t have it, then HE needs to take it away. If they had been given an inappropriate movie, I’m sure he wouldn’t let them run around the house carrying it around in an unopened package, continuing to ask when they can watch it – he’d take it right away and remove it from the house, but by letting the children continue to hold and think about it, it exacerbates the problem because they are really being continually tempted with something they can’t have (and at this point you REALLY need to have him get rid of it, because if he gives in this late in the game it’s going to be setting future precedent for long battles, subconsciously encouraging them to dig in their heals on all kinds of issues – knowing they’ll get their way if they just hold out long enough). AND if he’s really brave, he should have his parents take it away and apologize to your children for giving them something that they KNOW your kids can’t have. I KNOW you’re married to a good man and that this is a really difficult issue, you might even need to confess to him that you’ve assumed leadership in this situation that really belongs to him. (I’m making a lot of assumptions based on what I “think” I know about you from past posts – so if I’m off target – just ignore!)
Rebekah
You know, Rebekah, I think you’re right on. The food issue has been something I’ve taken the reins on, not in a controlling way, but because I’m the natural researcher, questioner, and it’s something I’m personally passionate about. While dh and I do make decisions about diet/lifestyle together, I’m primarily the one who gathers the info, presents it to him, and then we make the decision together. He never goes and finds out any of this on his own. Although, he does recognize the change in behavior in our dd when she eats artificial colors and in our son when he eats gluten, and he supports them not eating those foods. I guess I have assumed leadership in this area of our lives because he freely handed it over. He trusts me with this issue and is very supportive and agreeable. Definitely something for us to discuss more…
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