Can I post a narration and ask for input?

Great, thanks!  My son is 15.  I didn’t do any corrections to his writing…thought I’d just leave it be for the first try at this.  Also, this was done without referring back to the book.  It’s “off the top of his head”, so to speak…is that the correct approach for narrations?

            The stories of Sir Walter Raleigh and Roanoke are inexorably tied together.  Their story is both interesting, and strange.  It stretches from the land of England, to an old oak tree with the strange word CROATOAN carved into it.  It is one of great heights and remarkable letdowns.  And, it is a part of the history of America.

            Walter Raleigh was born in the coastal town of Devonshire, in England.  Walter grew up with tales of the sea running through his head, and with the pride of the English in his blood.  Eventually, he enrolled in Oxford University, but he gave that up and went to France to join the Huguenot Army for six years.  After that, he returned to England and joined the English army for a brief period, fighting in the Netherlands against Spain and Austria. 

            Walter later returned to England, and by a chance encounter, happened to win Queen Elizabeth’s favor.  The queen was walking with her advisors.  Raleigh was standing nearby when they came to a mud muddle.  Raleigh realized that the queen didn’t want to cross it, and placed his cloak on top of the mud, allowing the queen to cross without getting dirty. 

            For this act, he gained the queen’s favor and was knighted.  Walter eagerly plied his influence to fulfill a lifelong dream of his.  In 1584, he was granted permission by the queen to send a scouting expedition to the New World, and sent two captains on the mission.  They returned with high praise of the lands that they had seen, and Queen Elizabeth allowed Raleigh to send seven ships to start a colony in the New World. 

            This expedition was commanded by Raleigh’s cousin, Sir Richard Greenville.  However, Greenville quickly returned to England, leaving Ralph Lane in charge.  However, Lane and the colonists were not prepared for the challenges they had to face, and upon a chance visit with Sir Francis Drake, they returned to England. 

            Many were prepared to give up on the American Colony.  But Raleigh was more determined than ever to bring his idea into reality.  Two years later, Raleigh sent three ships to try to start the colony again.  This time, there were not only men, but women and children too.  This colony was under the command of John White, a much more competent leader than Lane. 

            This attempt at making a colony was slightly more successful, but it was not long before the colonists needed supplies from England.  White was sent back to England, but trouble with the Spanish kept him from returning.  It took two years before White could sail for Roanoke again.  When he arrived, it was to a shock.  Roanoke was abandoned.  There was no record of where the colonists had gone, or what had happened to them.  The only clue was a word carved into an old oak tree; CROATOAN.  This was a reference to Croatoan Island, but the sailors refused to go to the island.  White was forced to turn back.

            This was the end of Raleigh’s attempt to place a colony in America.  After the queen died, Raleigh was beheaded by her successor, James I.