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bossyness?
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I have been having a certain problem with 2 of my children for some time now. My oldest child is a son age 12 and my 3rd child, oldest daughter is 8. These 2 are constantly at it. They just don’t like eachother. Everything that she does annoys him and he HAS to comment on it. It is ridiculous! I feel terrible for her. It is like she can’t do anything right or that pleases him. Of course she isn’t perfect but it is beyond that. He would seriously comment on whether he thought she put her shoes on in the right order or that she should eat her vegetable before her meat or whatever nonsense thing that really doesn’t matter. He does it with others too, but not as bad as with this particular sister.
I’ve tried doing different things such as not allowing him to talk or play and even had him serve her by doing chores. But nothing seems to be working. Do any of you ladies have anyother ideas I could try??? TIA!
My children are mostly younger than yours (7 and under) so I haven’t had a lot of trouble with this yet, but I heard that the book Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends is really great.
Maybe if you all sat and thought of something you liked about each person in your family for that day. If everyone does it maybe he won’t feel singled out.
Has he been able to give you a reason he feels this way about his sister? Perhaps it is something underlying that he is taking out on her? I am sure you thought of this, but just what first came to my mind.
I know there are many moms on here with wonderful advice.
Nina,
As a first-born, I can empathize with your son. I remember bossing my two brothers around and using such harsh words and tones sometimes. Thinking back, I said and did a lot of things to my brothers that were really awful. I really think it has something to do with being the first born. We are naturally bossy, we like to take charge, and often, we’re very particular about even the dumbest things (ie. eating vegetables). Some of these tendencies are still part of the flesh that I have to kill daily within myself.
If it were not for the Holy Spirit living inside me and constantly reminding me to speak words of kindness and gentleness, to display the fruits of self-control and patience, I would still be that nagging, bossy, angry big sister.
That said, I am not defending your son’s behavior. No matter the birth order, personality, or whatever, you’re right about his actions being unacceptable. Now, what to do?
- Have you ever thought about secretly recording your son? My iPhone has a voice recorder app. and I could discreetly record anyone at anytime, if I ever really wanted to. No one would have to know what you’re doing, especially if you were discreet. After you’ve caught him and his bossy mouth on tape a few times, play it back for him. He may not know how ridiculous or how harsh his words are. Here’s an example: just yesterday, my friend, who is a pre-school teacher, asked me to come up to her classroom to see all the Christmas things her class had done. I arrived at the end of lunch, right as she and her co-teacher were taking the children to the bathroom. The co-teacher was nagging these four-year-olds about everything. “Nathan! Is that how we walk in line?!” “Charlie, stop dragging your feet!” “Suzy, you don’t talk in my line!” I felt so sorry for those kids. I bet if she heard herself speaking to those children that way, it might make her think a little more before she spoke.
- Also, he should have natural consequences for this behavior just like any other behavior. My children, who are quite a bit younger than your son, receive vinegar on their tongues for major mouth offenses like talking back, bad words, disrespect for each other, etc. I remind them that, just like the vinegar is bitter, so are the words they spoke. And, if they don’t like the taste of the vinegar, why would we like hearing those disrespectful or hurtful words? Needless to say, I don’t have to get the vinegar out very often.
- Also, never underestimate the power of good, hard labor. When I was still at home with my parents, my dad could always find something for us to do that wasn’t fun outside as a way of “giving us time to think about what we did wrong”. He would have us shovel out the horse stalls, pick up rocks (in our 1-acre front yard), go around our entire property and pick up dog poop, re-stack the hay bales, paint the fence, weed the garden, or any other number of un-fun chores. It was hard work, and sometimes it was 100 degrees out. But, he said we should think about what we did wrong, and that was his way of giving us time alone to do it. It was never fun, but I will say that I believed it helped me be a better person. There’s no doubting my work ethic now, for sure! (By the way, all those chores were reserved for punishment times. None of them were chores we kids had to do regularly…except shoveling the horse stalls).
I know that was a lot, but I thought you might like to hear from a first-born.
Like thehauserfamily said, there may be an underlying reason for his behavior. If not, though, I hope some of these suggestions are useful.
Blessings,
Lindsey
Thanks ladies. I know for myself… I am not the first born and I still, daily have to think about my words and how they are being spoken. I shouldn’t be so quick to give up on something that seems like it is not working, when in all reality things take time 🙂 Thanks so much for your replys!!
Phew…I have been dealing with this with my youngest son, age 10; who is almost like the oldest since the other 4 kids are 17, 20, 21 & 24. He berates is very dominant little sister, age 6, almost incessantly. He has always been very sensitive, quiet & passive, but lately he has become more outspoken – which I applaud – but the bad accompanies the good. Thanks for the posts – I am struggling to deal with this. My 6 yr old daughter is pretty tough – too tough really with 4 older brothers, but I worry about how he constantly criticizes. Though sometimes he is retaliating because she has invaded his space or even played too rough and hurt him – she plays much rougher than most little girls. He does it to other kids who come over as well – particularly the two girls I babysit when they get out of school. Sometimes – I feel like my husband is questioning homeschooling – but I think this is just something that kids go through – it’s different for every child – they all go through different phases. I really appreciate your ideas Lindsy D. I think I need to try them – because my words correcting him are starting to feel like following a criticism with a criticism! I feel awful when he berates her or someone else and then I respond by reminding him that he is being harsh, rude etc. It just feels like I am doing the same thing he is.
I agree with all the above. I really try to make having good sibling relationships a priority.
When disagreements get out of hand, one of the things i do is to have my kids sit down and not do anything at all for a few minutes. No words, no moving around, nothing! They like to be up and doing things, so this is a good way to have them stop and think about their behavior. Then when they are allowed to get up, they better be kind to each other or they will go right back to where they were. It really works well.
Another thing I have done is to have them hold hands and each one take turns saying “I love you” witty a sweet tone in their voice. They don’t stop until I say so. It usually ends up with them laughing. It is hard to stay mad at a person when doing that. :). I know that sounds silly, but sometimes practicing a loving voice with lloving words is needed..especially if there is a bad habit of ugly tones.
Hope this helps!
Hi Nina,
You have gotten some great advice. You are wise and correct to want to put a stop to this behavior. Your oldest needs to understand that this will stop. I am an older mom waving my hands in front of you younger moms in order to warn you that the older children cannot have the luxury of demeaning the younger ones.
I did have a couple of practical ideas that you may want to consider. An understanding of authority is very important. We often ask the question wherever we are, “Who is our authority in this situation?” Study what scripture has to say about authority (or read Watchman Nee’s book, Spiritual Authority
). Does your son have areas that he has authority over? Getting the mail, an animal, shoveling anything, his desk, what order to do certain schoolwork in, etc. Whatever it is, make it meaningful.Secondly, read what kind of a leader Jesus was: He led by serving. You might consider putting a time in your son’s schedule (and my opinion is that a 12yo should have his own schedule at this point) where he is to practice leading by serving. What this looks like in our home is the older child plays with the younger one. When we get out the blocks for instance, the first thing the older wants to do is make all the decisions and pound the younger into compliance. That is not leading by serving. It is helping the younger one reach their own goal of what they want to build in an encouraging way. After the scenario of play is mastered, a small job is completed by the two of them.
I think it’s okay to sympathize with the older ones. Yes, the younger ones can be a pain, but what is God trying to work in us through that trial? What does God do when *I’m* being a pain? We believe that just as God knitted us together in our mother’s womb, so he knits our families together to spur each of us on to being all that He has planned for us. Psalm 16:6 says, “The lines have fallen unto me in pleasant places; yea, I have a goodly heritage.” We believe that!
Blessings,
Cindy
Nina – your post is meaningful to me – hate to jump in on yours, but reading how your day went really struck a cord since that is what I have been dealing with at the time I came across your post!
Thanks Cindy, very wise words. We have been reading in Matthew 15 about the uncleanness of our hearts and how what comes from our mouth is a mirror to our heart. I think it is making him think, but I am definitely going to take it one step further and read about how Jesus served. There are so many examples in the bible of that. My 10 yr old son also loves to read about missionaries and talks about becoming one; therefore there are many examples on our bookshelf of those who have followed Jesus’ example of a loving, servant heart.
I like some of your ideas too Lindsey – especially the manual labor – that worked very well for my now 20 year old marine who was headstrong, strong willed & defiant. It also works well for my 17 year old who is detailed and analytical. My 6 yr old still is joyful about working and serving, but my 10 yr old will try to slip off into his room and hide. However – when he completes a task – he takes pride in his accomplishment and I need to give him more areas to do that.
Love all your great ideas Ladies! Thx
). Does your son have areas that he has authority over? Getting the mail, an animal, shoveling anything, his desk, what order to do certain schoolwork in, etc. Whatever it is, make it meaningful.Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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