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besides "Created To Be His Help Meet"
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Are there any other Christian/Religious based books on how to be more patient with your husband and accept the things you can’t get him to change? Like; I have been wanting a shelf in my kitchen window so I can put small pots on it to grow herbs which he said he would do and he even bought a board for it and I have been waiting for 12 months now for it. I have always had a hard time with patience although since kids came along it has gotten much much better but there are times….. I don’t want to be a nagging wife but skimming over CTBHHM it says I should smile more so that I become merry and joyful and my husband will notice. But does that mean he will build my shelf?? Lol. I don’t feel very much like smiling. I work 40 hrs every week besides home schooling and I can’t say anything like “i am tired of working” or “the kids complain because I have to go to work” because then he feels guilty for losing his job a few years ago that paid well enough that I didn’t have to work. Then it makes him depressed. I am kinda rambling here; I just wondered if there was another book that addressed my issues with my DH more directly. Really he is a good man and a great dad I just get frustrated and impatient with him for not doing the things I want (*not necessarily need). I think that is where I just have to “let go” and do without the shelf. I don’t dare try to do it myself because he will get very mad. I also don’t want to start “husband bashing” either as that is not what is intended. I am just looking for a way to change my attitude.
I would recommend any books by Susan Hunt on biblical womanhood. I won’t ask your reasons for wanting to avoid the Debi Pearl book, because they are probably the same as mine.
Susan loves the Lord and desires to direct women to rest in His grace. It shows through in her books and I always feel encouraged and uplifted by her, while being pointed to Jesus, rather than condemned or laden with a stack of works I can never maintain.
Hope this helps!
I have to admit that I am a little hesitant about responding to this post. I have read “Created” back in 2006. I read it during a time when i was searching for answers. i really never had the best of examples in my home of how to be a wife. Although I read it in its entirety I find myself reluctant to recommend it to people. The first half of the book I believe could be helpful to any wife or mom. After I read it, it really did change the way I responded to my husband. It also helped me to understand and appreciate the type of man my husband is. Unfortunately, the second half is what makes me reluctant to recommend it. I think it a little drastic in its content for many situations. I would recommend it for relationships with extreme problems only.
The one thing that I would say about any book you choose….. There is no book that will change him, no secret formula to getting that shelf built. The only thing we can change is us. Back in 2006 is when I began searching for answers, at first I wanted to figure out how to fix him, but what I found is how to change me.
To be very honest, it is only in the last 10 months that I have seen major changes in my husband. It started at a HS convention last May. It is like a bell went off in his head. He decided to resign being a pastor. He moved us from the city in NJ to the country town where I grew up in TX. He is , joyfully, spending a lot more time with our dd8. He has started helping around the house. He is looking for ways for our family to minister to others as a team. I know that God is doing a work in his heart.
The thought often crosses my mind that if I would have given up all those years ago, I might not be experiencing any of the joy that my marriage now brings. That is not to say we don’t have our hard times and difficulties. We do! But our relationship struggles are very few now. Most of our struggles now come from outside circumstances.
Okay, now for the books I usually recommend to others about marriage: The Bible, any books by Greg or Gary Smalley or if you already have it, the first chapters of “Created”. The part about the different personalities of men is very good. After reading that, you will meet the different personalities every where you go!
HTH, I will be praying for you Kristen. May God bless your family!
Thanks for the suggestions. I don’t have anything against CreatedTBHHM, but I am looking fot something that will give me more direction. Not just “smile more”. I am not trying to change my husband but am looking for ways to change my response to his actions or lack there of.
I would encourage you to listen to these programs (or Revive our Hearts in general). There are so resources listed on these ladies website.
If I had incorporated the concpets in the Pearl book, my husband would walk ALL over me; not because he’s a bad guy, but due to his past experiences and mental make-up (and general personality of taking charge) he learned how to control things/people around him to keep himself feeling safe from potential hurt.
The book “Boundaries” (and Boundaries in Marriage) was and continues to be very helpful to me as it is mainly focused on your decisions, responsibility over your own feelings and responses and the heart condition before G-D; i.e. resentment due to saying yes to him when you really should’ve said no due to boundary issues and/or free will issues. There’s a limit on protecting the other’s feelings when it’s the other’s responsibility to handle their own feelings and presumptions/assumptions, etc. For ex: if I say something that isn’t selfish, follows the L-RD’s commands regarding interpersonal relationship behavior (making my heart condition clear before G-D) and you take offense, I’m not responsible for that – I’m responsible TO you but not FOR you. This book does not endorse being rude and unthoughtful to another; just responsible for your own responses and feelings. Stop trying to save the other from discomfort when something needs to be addressed.
Being able to discern when another is trying to manipulate you for them to get their own way comes, as well as addressing that same tendency within yourself. It addresses how we try to manipulate each other using various means: I use sarcasm based in resentment; my husband has his own manipulative means, too; so learning how to change this type of communication is part of it.
Some that helped both of us were the audio series by Jimmy Evans.
Regarding the specific situation you mentioned, the way I would handle it is to have a private talk with dh and mention how frustrating I was that he never finished what he said he would; that I have been looking forward to it, depending upon him to do it and that I think 12 mths. is plenty of time to get this accomplished; that it makes me feel like I’m not a priority. I would still love it if he would do it, but if he is not I need to know. I would probably ask if there’s anything he needs to do the job that he doesn’t have, but clarify that I don’t have the time to assist him-perhaps one of the children could?
Or subs. whatever feelings you ahve about it, staying calm, short and sweet. Avoiding any keywords that would put him on the defensive and be counterproductive, but being honest whether he gets mad or not. My husband used to more than now, but still does try to use his “being mad” to control what I say (because he didn’t want to hear since it made him uncomfortable or held accoutnable -well he needs to feel uncomfortable, as long as I’m not intentionally trying punish him or be spiteful).
My hubby needs to know that his actions and words have consequences.
Just my 2c
Here are a few I liked that you might check into:
Love and Respect by Emerson Eggeriches – this would be more along the lines of how to show men respect, which is what they want more so than for you to smile more. I did not read the book, but listened to an audio presentation by the author from Focus on the Family.
The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace about Proverbs 31, submission, communication and challenges.
Oh yes, Love and Respect; I forgot about that one. It’s a good one.
I agree with above in that men require that above smiling more.
I am only telling you this because my husband is right here telling me to and I thought you might like to hear a man’s perspective. He says don’t underestimate the power of a new nightie….I think you get the drift. And, yes, men (or at least my man!) really are that simple!
On a deeper level, I would point out that our power as wives is in our influence – you cannot command him. But you can influence him and pray that his heart will want to please you.
Praying for you!
This book may or may not get him to put up the shelf, but it could change how you feel about the situation. I’m looking forward to starting “Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More than to Make Us Happy” by Gary Thomas this week. Two of my very well-read friends said that this is the absolute best marriage book they have ever read.
I don’t really want to get into marriage advice but I honestly wouldn’t recommend any other book to read than the Bible which says plenty on being patient, loving, and self sacrificing. Everyone has an angle and it seems like with any book the reader needs to be in a certain ‘place’ to be able to have it steer them in a God pleasing direction. Otherwise things are taken the wrong way, in the wrong context, to too much of an extreme, ect.. It’s pretty hard to go wrong with the Bible and some serious prayer. 🙂
I agree with the others on “Love and Respect.” It’s an easy read and it’s amazing how much the husband wants to please his wife when he feels respected. I’m not saying you’re not respecting him but with losing his job maybe he feels worse. Just a thought. Could you get out the little herb pots and have them sitting there on the counter or is that a slap in his face? I’m trying to think of some gentle reminder.
I vote for Sacred Marriage. It is the best marriage and one of the best discipleship books I have ever experienced. It is a life changer.
Sacred Marriage was really good (though I admit I’ve not yet ready the whole book cover to cover). Our church used it for our fall small group series and what a difference it made in our already great marriage!
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