besides "Created To Be His Help Meet"

I would recommend any books by Susan Hunt on biblical womanhood.  I won’t ask your reasons for wanting to avoid the Debi Pearl book, because they are probably the same as mine.  

Susan loves the Lord and desires to direct women to rest in His grace.  It shows through in her books and I always feel encouraged and uplifted by her, while being pointed to Jesus, rather than condemned or laden with a stack of works I can never maintain.

Hope this helps!

If I had incorporated the concpets in the Pearl book, my husband would walk ALL over me; not because he’s a bad guy, but due to his past experiences and mental make-up (and general personality of taking charge) he learned how to control things/people around him to keep himself feeling safe from potential hurt.

The book “Boundaries” (and Boundaries in Marriage) was and continues to be very helpful to me as it is mainly focused on your decisions, responsibility over your own feelings and responses and the heart condition before G-D; i.e. resentment due to saying yes to him when you really should’ve said no due to boundary issues and/or free will issues. There’s a limit on protecting the other’s feelings when it’s the other’s responsibility to handle their own feelings and presumptions/assumptions, etc. For ex: if I say something that isn’t selfish, follows the L-RD’s commands regarding interpersonal relationship behavior (making my heart condition clear before G-D) and you take offense, I’m not responsible for that – I’m responsible TO you but not FOR you. This book does not endorse being rude and unthoughtful to another; just responsible for your own responses and feelings. Stop trying to save the other from discomfort when something needs to be addressed.

Being able to discern when another is trying to manipulate you for them to get their own way comes, as well as addressing that same tendency within yourself. It addresses how we try to manipulate each other using various means: I use sarcasm based in resentment; my husband has his own manipulative means, too; so learning how to change this type of communication is part of it.

Some that helped both of us were the audio series by Jimmy Evans.

Regarding the specific situation you mentioned, the way I would handle it is to have a private talk with dh and mention how frustrating I was that he never finished what he said he would; that I have been looking forward to it, depending upon him to do it and that I think 12 mths. is plenty of time to get this accomplished; that it makes me feel like I’m not a priority. I would still love it if he would do it, but if he is not I need to know. I would probably ask if there’s anything he needs to do the job that he doesn’t have, but clarify that I don’t have the time to assist him-perhaps one of the children could?

Or subs. whatever feelings you ahve about it, staying calm, short and sweet. Avoiding any keywords that would put him on the defensive and be counterproductive, but being honest whether he gets mad or not. My husband used to more than now, but still does try to use his “being mad” to control what I say (because he didn’t want to hear since it made him uncomfortable or held accoutnable -well he needs to feel uncomfortable, as long as I’m not intentionally trying punish him or be spiteful).

My hubby needs to know that his actions and words have consequences.

Just my 2c

Oh yes, Love and Respect; I forgot about that one. It’s a good one.

I agree with above in that men require that above smiling more.

This book may or may not get him to put up the shelf, but it could change how you feel about the situation.  I’m looking forward to starting “Sacred Marriage:  What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More than to Make Us Happy” by Gary Thomas this week.  Two of my very well-read friends said that this is the absolute best marriage book they have ever read.

I agree with the others on “Love and Respect.”  It’s an easy read and it’s amazing how much the husband wants to please his wife when he feels respected.  I’m not saying you’re not respecting him but with losing his job maybe he feels worse.  Just a thought.  Could you get out the little herb pots and have them sitting there on the counter or is that a slap in his face?  I’m trying to think of some gentle reminder.  

Sacred Marriage was really good (though I admit I’ve not yet ready the whole book cover to cover).  Our church used it for our fall small group series and what a difference it made in our already great marriage!