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Bad Attitudes – Advice & Wisdom Needed
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Can anyone suggest how to gracefully handle times when your children have a completely disagreeable attitude toward their lessons? I’m describing times when your bright, cheerful requests to start a lesson are met with “ugg, I don’t want to do lessons now/today/ever!” or “do I have to?” Picture lots of droopy, dramatic faces, grumbles, huffing and puffing and such too.
I find this very, extremely hard to counter. I tend to be offended and hurt and frustrated by this attitude. An immature response on my part but I’m human too. I’m working really hard and dedicating my life to my children and it’s hard not to take these afforts personally. Not to mention this TOTALLY derails my day with whichever child is not in such a state of being!
I should just mention for background that these are children who are generally just cool and wonderful – helpful around the house, good spirited, generous, kind and loving, respectful, etc. etc. In other words these are not children who back talk, sass …
So I am at a loss with this occasional (sometimes longer) spell of “YUCK TO SCHOOL” and I don’t want to just say ok lets all have tea and learn through living today instead. I feel like sometimes that kind of day is great but I don’t want to reward this ugliness with anything or make it a habit by agreeing with their sentiments.
My last resort after I try to “kill it with kindness” is to send the offending child away from everything. I don’t think this is terribly effective or productive. Their lessons are waiting for them at the end of this period away.
HELP!!! I would normally not sneak into my computer and ask desparate questions but I’m pulling my hair out with this today and just in case anyone is out there … I could get some comfort from your wisdom and some ideas for practical application to this problem.
I’d like to know too….
One thing I’ve done sometimes (not saying it is the best) is say that it is school time and that even if they aren’t doing school they aren’t going to do something else so sit in that chair (basically a timeout) – they sit there until they decide they would rather do school. They usually decide to do school fairly quickly – but I wouldn’t say they decide to do it happily at that point.
I really struggle with it when this happens and I don’t react the same way everytime and often I have an upset reaction at them – so I’d really like to see the answer too.
Just wanted to say we have been there too! And ((hugs)) Attitudes get punished w/ a) more work b) priveledges taken away 3) sent to cool off in another room for attitude change! —IMO it IS productive in getting them to have self-control and to think about what they did or said–not productive school wise–but rather have them get a grasp of themselves 4) discuss the attitude at hand and what is to be expected and follow-up w/ how God would want them to be –possibly w/ a verse.
On occasions, I decide to switch the schedule up and do something different. Sometimes breaking the monotany is the key! Or a change of scenery, like going outside!
sometimes reading stories about how you should act helps too. Such as The Miller Stories, Character Book, or good literature about how the character’s obey w/ a happy heart.
Confession..sometimes nothing works!! But attitudes are punished anyway..and we hope for a better day the next day!
HTH!! And you are not alone!
My daughter used to do this too. Now to change the pace a little, I put audio books on her computer so she can just listen to them and sometimes we spend all day outside doing lessons. It is a change of scenery and she works better when we are not doing the same things everyday. Sometimes we will just spend a day doing hands on projects. Could you change up your days sometimes to make it more interesting?
What I did with my 9YO today (after about an hour worth of bad attitude) is told him that his way wasn’t working. His stomping around and complaining and rolling his eyes was just making everyone’s day miserable. I told him that for 30 minutes he was going to do it my way – which meant no complaining, sighing, or backtalk. I expected him, for 30 minutes, to work on his schoolwork and to come to me if he needed anything.
Imagine it…he was done with his work before the 30 minutes was up.
He usually isn’t like this, but he is the first to complain when things aren’t going his way. (Whoops, it might be hereditary).
If I could hug everyone of your necks I would! Such a blessing to have this place to support one another in like minded study and situations. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I typically do hands on, outside, multi-media types of lessons. I think that balance is there for the most part. But that suggestion is a good one.
I really need a list of good character stories … on hand and for the ready. I jotted down the ones you mentioned 2flowerboys do you have others? Anyone found small stories of character and life lessons that I could gather and keep handy? Preparation might be my best defense!
You know the “sent to another room” thing did work today. So maybe the key is to be consistent with doing that when someone’s attitude dives for the depths?
This wasn’t much of a problem last year. I’ve noticed it a lot more this year. I think I had been in kind of a funky place for a month or two (August/September) myself and was operating with less direction than normal and school had gotten a little less organized or something …. my thoughts being that children really do thrive under an environment and atmosphere that is ruled with consistency, organization and boundaries rather than not. Or maybe I thrive under those conditions and am a better Mom and Teacher? Writing that down I think that might be a lot of why I am seeing what I’m seeing too.
What about growing pains, hormones …. does that come in to play at 8 and 10? They’re almost 9 and 11 actually. Am I heading in to pre-teen land? Moms of older ones, can you comment?
Today it was my son who displayed this attitude and after a significant time away from me/school/us he came to me and sincerely apologized for his attitude then he turned to his sister and apologized for having disrupted her studies. Although I wanted to cry with joy, I stayed cool and accepted the apology and began our Science lesson which went very, very well! Yeah for those rails … I am a total believer in laying them down hard and fast early in life. Then even on the punky, yucky times the “cars” right themselves and the tracks smooth out.
It sounds like it worked out just fine! My husbands favorite three words in this situation: “Don’t engage them.” Let the person (or people) with the attitude be on an island with their attitude 🙂 Be polite and firm- expectations will be the same- but also go out of your way to be extra fun and lighthearted with the children who are behaving.
Usually my eight year old will come around and just join the family again when we leave him be. I usually try to draw him out of it when he starts moaning about school- I’ll say “I know you don’t feel like doing it- I didn’t feel like making your breakfast this morning, but lucky for you, I did it anyway!!” If he continues, I drop the jokes, look him in the eye and say “I am sorry you are having a hard time with this today, but you *are* going to do your schoolwork. You can do it the easy way or the hard way.” Then I go about my morning as usual.
Of course this is the internet, so you are going to hear from perfect moms with perfect children that respond perfectly to their perfect appeals- remember that most of what you read is greatly exaggerated LOL What I described above would be what I would do on a day when everything is going just right. But I aspire to be that kind of mom every day…so that’s something
Well, let me be the one to shatter the perfection smoke screen ladies!
The “car” jumped the track as soon as it rounded the corner! Rails lay asunder … chaos of emotion ensued!
He was good for Science but later lessons went right back to “ugh mode” to which I just exasperatedly responded “what in the world is wrong with you today?!” which I’m sure you won’t find in any parenting 101 books nor Charlotte Mason’s own writings. I asked him why he had apologized earlier so nicely to which he replied: “I wanted to hear what you guys were reading.” Oh great! So much for my smug confidence in my rail laying.
You know that is a great point, Leah, about “letting be” because this day has seemed like a push and pull all day long. I should have grown up a bit and let it be but I was so personally offended by his repeated, repeated ugliness toward me and lessons. My husband gives me that same advice … do not engage. Our day ended by him saying “ok, fine, are we done yet?!”
Some days are just going to be like this and I do it for the other days that aren’t! Happy weekend!
I had a day or two like you described and felt like QUITTING!!! I asked for advice/encouragement from local homeschoolers and was surprised to learn that some of the most gentle, intelligent, with-it moms I know encounter the same situations – AND feelings (of wanting to quit!). The advice I received was to not give up, but take a day or two or three off from school if it is becoming a battle. My husband and I also had a serious talk with our daughter about her attitude and responsibility to do what her teacher (me) tells her. She acknowledged that she would not behave that way in a classroom with other children. So we pointed out that it was not appropriate in our school either. As much as she loves being around other children, she does not want to “go to school.” That was our leverage! Just wanted to point out that you are not alone. I hope you are having better days!
Lord! I lift up all these mothers who sacrifice their daily lives to be with the children you have entrusted to them. The mission field starts in the home, and the home is where the enemy tracks. I pray for unity in the homes of all these moms and dads! They are amazing men and women, who have not taken the easy path, but your path, and are doing your will growing the next generation of Christ loving people. The enemy hates this, he hates us, he torments us and he looks to destroy family, and with that destroy the next generation of Christ followers! Lord give us that peace that surpasses all understanding, give us the weapons to fight off the enemy in our homes. Lord we know that the enemy fights hard when he sees a good thing…well…we fight back! We don’t give up! If homeschooling is the will for out lives, we know you will equip us when the enemy throws the fiery arrows at our homes. You have gives us The Book of Life, the manual for living. Your Word is our strength. Help us stay in the Word daily…renew us, strengthen us, and empower us. We stand united in Christ…because when we are weak…He is ever strong!!!
In Jesus, I pray this to you,
Amen
Ok, this advice is not coming from much homeschooling experience (since this is our first year), but rather from lots of reading and talking to other parents and my own experience with preschoolers and in years of tutoring, so take it for what it is. I definitely haven’t found the complete solution myself! My DD is having trouble with the adjustment from careful preschool life to Year 1 where I have more expectations of her, so we are working on attitude here too!
If the attitude is an occasional difficulty, I thinks it helps to sympathize with not always being in the mood, but remind the child that we sometimes need to do things whether we like it or not. If the resistance continued, I might give the child the benefit of the doubt and assume they are having a hard day. We all need a mental health day every once in a while. Perhaps work on some of the lighter subjects that day, or take a morning off and do the work later, or even just go get some exercise for an hour and then try again.
If it’s happening frequently, I’d be trying to investigate the reasons. Is there a particular subject that is causing the attitude? Something at the wrong level (math getting too hard too fast for example), a book or subject that just isn’t connecting with the child? Is there something else going on with the child to cause the problem? Is this a child who needs to do work later in the day, or earlier, or split it up more, etc.? If you can’t identify anything, ask!
Another idea that I’ve read often on the AO groups for when a child is being stubborn or rude (rather than just having a blah day) is to say something along the lines of “This is school time. It’s when we work on learning skills that you need in your life. Since you don’t seem to be able to work on <history>, <math> <Whatever> right now, we can work on other life skills.” You might even hint that the menial tasks may be what they end up doing if they don’t have a decent education. Then assign some useful, but less enjoyable household tasks. Practicing scrubbing the walls, scrubbing soap scum out of the shower, cleaning the inside of the garbage containers, or something similar might help make school seem a bit more appealing. I haven’t tried this, but it’s definitely in my back pocket of tricks.
Good luck!
Joanne
i have a child that habitually gets angry over math. At the beginning of the year we talked about it. It went something like this: “Let’s make a plan so that when you feel yourself getting mad, we know what to do. First we’ll pray.” He came up with some suggestions: going to get a glass of water, three big breaths on the front porch, that sort of thing. So, he does not typically say, “Oh, Mom, I’m getting mad so let’s pray.” I have to detect an attitude and stop the train and pray. This is time consuming, but since I knew that we would have trouble with this child with this subject, and I am a horribly black and white sort of person I thought it would be best to just go ahead and shine a light on it. And it has helped.
The children do have a list and all social activities come to a screaching halt if they are not caught up on a weekly basis. My problem with that is that I have such a difficult time watching them fail and so I nag. I’m working on that.
We also switch the activity to chores sometimes. The children need to understand that they must bear the full burden of school and home. My guys would get behind in their school work and then, at chore time say, “But I need to do school!” Nice strategy, isnt’ it?
We are not ‘there’ yet because we are a houseful of sinners. But by God’s grace, we moms can react in a godly fashion regardless of what the littles are doing. That’s important: Let them see God in us. It’s a struggle to not get personally offended, but let us picture God’s reaction when we do the same sin over and over. He still loves us and meets us at our point of need. We can do that for our children.
I have a child that continually blows off history. I have been very hard on him. Recently, God has brought before me the idea of joy over and over, through reading, sermons, music, etc. The thought occurred to me, “What will help him in the long run? Having a mom that pounded on him or having a mom that came alongside of him and did not take the burden from him, but bore it with him?”
I am so quick to use extreme examples like the persecuted Christians in other countries as examples of joyful livng in difficult circumstances when my children are not capable of understanding that. To them, not wanting to do their school work is just as weighty a topic. I need to ‘get’ that. They are not adults, able to react as adults. I need to give them grace. Each situation can be different and we can only know what to do through prayer.
Blessings,
Cindy
This is from hearing and reading Tedd Tripp. I share with them why G-d is not happy with their rotten attitude, using Scripture. One that they know from our Scripture Memeory Box is Phil 2:14, Do all things without complaining and disputing. They also know Eph 6: 1-3 and Psalm 4:4 and I have them quote those to me when necessary. Sometimes, we will follow with prayer about it. Tedd Tripp has about 9 steps to follow for discipline that gets to the heart of the issue. It involves asking them questions, and basically have a long heart-to-heart talk over the roots of the issue and using Scripture, applicable punishment to fit the crime, and prayer. Another Scripture is about how if you don’t work, you don’t eat. We haven’t “learned” that one yet, so I can’t give the reference.
We learned a saying from Sonlight at an early age: “I’ll obey, right away, the happy way, without delay, all the way”. So I still remind them of this. One punishment I use is taking away priveliges and favorite books and toys, so this saying in our house over the years has turned to, “Right away, the happy way…before I take your books away.” That really gets them moving, as they know I mean their favorite books, not their lesson books. lol.
Also, while I strive to live each day on a consistant routined schedule, I just can’t do it. *I* have to vary the order of the subjects each week, sometimes each day. It is so dull to me to keep things in the same order. So this keeps my kids asking, “What’s next after this?” Sometimes they ask it so much that I wish we were more consistant, but it does keep the day interesting by varying the order. Plus I do switch from listening, to writing, to math, to reading activities so as not to tire one part of the brain.
I read on here one mom who had “textbooks” and their kids had used them before. She threatened to pull them out if they started complaining about their CM work. lol. When I read that, I thought “maybe I DO need some textbooks around here.”
There are many ideas on here, and I love that this is a great place to go to get help and encouragement. I hope and pray that you and your family work this out soon in the best way for YOUR family and that you are able to give Him the glory.
As for character books, I second the Miller stories. Are your kids too old for Little House on the Prairie?
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