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Are we all too busy for one another?

This topic has 33 replies, 23 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 7 months ago by stephw2.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 34 total)

Author
Posts
October 1, 2013 at 7:52 pm
Karen
Participant
About friendship, I’ve come to realize that at this point in my life, my husband needs to be my best friend. And then, after that, I have a friend I love to talk homeschooling and books with; a friend I love to talk sewing with; a friend I love to talk health and children with; then I have a bunch of friends I can talk about other stuff with.
It took me a while to understand that at this point in my life, friendship looks different for me than others in other situations. I can’t be on the phone all the time; I can’t even be texting or online all the time (neither do I want to be); so for me, friendship means knowing that although I’m not up-to-date with all that’s going on in these women’s lives, they ARE my friends….and when I see them out and about, I visit with them and have good fellowship. I haven’t invited them over in a while; they haven’t invited me over in a while; but we’re still good friends. We just pick up where we left off the last time we saw each other.
And that’s okay.
October 1, 2013 at 8:37 pm
stephw2
Participant
Thanks Karen…I certainly just want to echo that I’m not looking to be on the phone, etc all the time…not at all. That certainly wouldn’t be healthy for anyone. I think I was rambling so much I might have derailed my own post.
October 1, 2013 at 9:21 pm
Karen
Participant
🙂 I do my best thinking while rambling! *L*
I guess what it boils down to is not being adverse to hosting company…..and actually trying to host. And actively looking for ways to serve others….And being willing to put down my project (in the middle of it; not at a good stopping point!) to do something with others.
It’s not easy all the time, that’s for sure.
October 1, 2013 at 9:48 pm
psreitmom
Participant
stephw2 – First, with whom are you going to Haiti? I just wondered, because I have missionary friends who are taking a group this month.
I understand where you are coming from about relationships. A homeschool friend and I have discussed many times about how people in our homeschool group don’t even get involved in the group’s activities. That isn’t so much about close friendships, but about having fellowship on occasion outside the home, but in the homeschool realm. I have 3 grown children. When they were homeschooling, we had many families involved in our group’s activities, so, as a result, we planned many activities. My kids really enjoyed getting together with other kids. Now, the people just don’t get involved, so the past couple of years, our group has planned little, because we just couldn’t get people interested in coming to activities. It seems to be picking up, for which I am thankful. I have a 10yo dd who loves to spend time with other kids. Since there are no young ones at home other than her, we need that outlet. I can’t really explain it, but things have really changed since homeschooling my older kids. It’s sort of like the idea of family reunions. Big family reunions are dying off. That was an important event for families years ago, but the younger generation does not see the need, or they are just too busy. We have become a busy people. Priorities are in a different order. I’m not talking about those with farms that can’t socialize often. I’m just talking in general.
We are reading the Little House books. I often think about how years ago the people in a community would always be helping one another in building, planting, etc. Neighbors would visit each other. Now, it seems only the Amish(Mennonite) do that anymore. America has become all about money/prestige…working to have ‘things’ or to be promoted, or wanting their kids to be on top academically or the best in sports. Sports and other activities are taking Christians away from church and fellowship there. We are forgetting what should be important. I know there needs to be a priority when it comes to having earthly friendships, like a pp said that our dh should be our best friend, and our families should be our priority. The Bible tells us what is going to happen to relationships in the last days. I think that is what we are seeing. We need to get back to what is most important. Many have used the acrostic for JOY…(J)esus 1st, (O)thers 2nd, (Y)ourself last. Aside from our daily responsibilities in our families, who or what are we living for?
October 2, 2013 at 1:56 am
TX-Melissa
Participant
Wow, what a great conversation. These thoughts have been nagging at me for a while. Several months back I was tempted to join one of those home party businesses that I really liked the products of. But around the same time a close friend of mine injured her shoulder and was having a difficult time completing basic tasks at home. Another friend and I took an afternoon to help with some laundry and I realized I wouldn’t be able to do things like that if I filled my schedule up with that business. So I declined. But, our schedule is filled right now with football (three evening practices and games on Saturday) and scouts, and I’m finding it difficult to plan much else around that. My husband is the head of the scout pack and also serving as a first responder for the football team. I can’t remember when we last had anyone over to just hang out and share a meal. I just saw a book by Kevin DeYoung called Crazy Busy, and so wish my over-achiever husband would read it. 🙂 Here is an interview with him about that from the Gospel Coalition that I thought was fitting:
http://thegospelcoalition.org/mobile/article/tgc/when-youre-too-busy-to-be-godly
🙂 Melissa
October 2, 2013 at 2:05 am
elsnow6
Participant
I so identify with the things you all are saying. We are reading “Little House on the Prarie” right now, & it just makes my heart yearn for not only connection with the community (albeit a tiny, spread out one for them) but simplicity. Not that I’m prepared to take off from the metro area in which I live to start farming…think I might die if I had to kill my own food or something that was trying to eat my food lol. I’m way too much of a suburbanite When my ex-husband walked out years ago, I was especially in need of connection beyond, “how are you doing?”…I needed people to engage in my life by coming to help me around the house, with the children & to talk. Yet only my family & my best friend were there for me…not that I’m complaining b/c that was a blessing. I had been involved in my church & there was little reaching out. I had a newborn & was emotionally distraught or perhaps the key would’ve been me reaching out to others through service/ministry. However, even now, I find that I’m desperate for connection & about the only people I find willing (outside of family) are people online…that’s wonderful but can’t replace the face-to-face. My best friend recently moved far away so limited to phone & text now. Oftentimes I’ve felt like I’m the only person feeling this way…lonely, wanting connection, help & to give help…but I guess not The idea of getting together with others & jumping into one another’s lives is so appealing to me. Maybe it’s a personality trait…I don’t have much interest or motivation to do lots of things unless I can do it with someone b/c what I want is the connection, the company, the relationship. I’d love to have someone that I can get together with to help organize things in the house, make meals, clean, train the children, etc.- being able to do that for each other not just helping me lol. I think this is how the Church is supposed to function but perhaps we’ve become too fragmented…I’m not even sure of the names of most of the people in my Sunday School class despite having gone there a year. People don’t introduce themselves or engage in conversation except with those they already know…unfortunately I haven’t found this to be different in the various churches I’ve attended. As I type, I think that there has to be some way to accomplish what we are expressing. For me, I know I’m fearful of the rejection should I reach out & it go nowhere & maybe that fear just has to be pushed aside. Idk…I’m rambling a bit but that’s what I do lol. This is definitely something I’ve thought about often & wished were different.
October 2, 2013 at 2:33 am
MountainMamma
Participant
Thank you everyone for sharing. My DH and I have always enjoyed getting to know our neighbors. We have made 4 major moves in 7 years so have had to start over socially again and again. One of our best strategies for getting to know people around us was to do an evening walk after dinner each night. We would see people working on their lawn or pulling the garbage cans in. If a conversation is going well, we try to exchange phone numbers and set a time to have dinner. It’s a work in progress but I love being connected to people around me. It’s tough in our new neighborhood though because the hills are steep! We are starting to connect with people this way though. I have enjoyed getting to know people in all the places we have lived and they have all been so different and interesting! I of course enjoy the people I meet at church, but find the diversity from friendships in my neighborhood especially fun and exciting.
Another fun thing we did last year was have an Open-house Christmas Brunch on a December morning for the neighbors. It was casual and informal (since it was in the morning) and almost everyone came (30+ people). Breakfast food is easy to prepare and most of the dishes were made ahead of time. It’s nice too because even if it snows, neighbors can trudge through fresh snow to come. Loved it! I’m bummed that I can’t do it this year since my baby is due Dec. 22. I’m from the Deep South so I guess I can’t help myself. 🙂
October 2, 2013 at 2:42 am
cherylramirez
Participant
I am glad this post came up! Imagine living in the fourth largest city in the nation and not having type of relationships that the OP was discussing. My husband and I were talking about it a few days ago and I also had this discussion at the range where my daughter shoots. I purposely do not fill up our schedule so that we can be available. The only outside activity we have is my dd archery and that is all.
We have recently moved about 45 minutes away from our old neighborhood and my really good friend moved about 20 minutes farther south at the same time so we are over an hour away from each other now. she just became a grandma (exciting!) so there is less time for me (understandably so, not complaining). I have acquaintances at church and there are many homeschoolers there, but they are all busy with lots of things.
I agree with the pp who said that they just make friends with the people who happen to be at the park at the same time, and etc. Sometimes that is the best we can do!
It does make me sad, too. I miss the days of childhood when the moms and children hung out during the day, or you went visiting on the weekends…progress is not always for the better!
I love the Christmas am brunch idea…people love to eat!
October 2, 2013 at 3:13 am
Tristan
Participant
It is so true! I’ve enjoyed reading this post and have to agree, it is rare to find flexible families that can spend time together visiting as a family. We prefer to do whole family get togethers instead of inviting a child alone to visit one of our children, or sending each of our children to different friends’ homes for visits. It is so hard to find people who want to and have the family schedule flexibility to get together in this way. Inevitably they have multiple activities at the same time in separate places for family members. No together time, and certainly no time to go visiting another family.
We also are rarely invited to others’ home because, honestly, it can be overwhelming to invite a family of 10 over. 🙂 I get it, really. We have one family that has been the exception for the last several years and we get together with them regularly. In the last two months we have had several families with 6 children move into our church area (we have 8 children and until these families moved in we were pretty mmuch the only family with more than 4 children). We have gotten together with each new family already and they were each surprised that someone was willing to have their whole family over.
I think what is really hard to me is that we try inviting families of all sizes to visit and usually they are too busy, to get back on topic. Sigh. Too busy for relationships is too busy!!
And yes, I know we all have busier seasons sometimes. But I think many times we bring a lot of the busyness on ourselves by choosing to say yes to too many opportunities, packing the schedule full to bursting. We have cut back even further on activities as Mason’s needs have added to our schedule. We had to, or we would not have the flexibility to build relationships. It is a balancing act, to be sure!
October 2, 2013 at 3:36 am
missceegee
Participant
I agree with all of the above. We intentionally do not over schedule our lives. I’m always saying we need to be willing to say no to things which are good, in order to be able to say yes to things which are best.
October 2, 2013 at 12:50 pm
stephw2
Participant
Psreitmom…I’m going to Haiti with BlessBack Worldwide out of Charlotte.
Yes Missceegee…I feel the same way. The hard part is living in a world where your surrounded by people who say yes to everything when you are saying no. It just compounds the isolation. So the easy answer just seems to be to say yes so that your swimming in the same pool with everyone else. Yet being busy and involved with many activities, etc doesn’t always equal community and forming relationships. We can all be very busy yet very alone. This is what I’m trying to figure out. How do I create a community for my children and my family of like-minded friends? Hope I’m making sense. Thank you all for continuing to share your insights and encouraging me that I’m not alone.
October 2, 2013 at 2:18 pm
psreitmom
Participant
stephw2 – My friends are from PA, so that is a different group. I guess October must be a common month for missions trip. I would love to go sometime, but waiting until my dd is a little older and can go along. Hope you have a good trip. We are told it is life-changing.
On the friendship issue, you hit the nail on the head when you said “like-minded” friends. That is where I struggle because I have an adopted dd who really needs to have close friends who are NOT going to be a negative example in her life. She is vulnerable and likes to please. She doesn’t miss anything, so if I am trying to teach her that certain things go against God’s Word, if she has friends who do/say that very thing, she is confused. Why is it okay for them, but not for me? I have one close friend who seems to be on the same page in most areas, but we don’t see each other very often because they now live 45 min. away. So, we are emailing regularly. But, that doesn’t fill the void of having friends with whom we can get together. There are 3 girls in our church I would be comfortable with my dd being with, but 2 are in a private school, and the other is homeschooled, only because they couldn’t afford to go back to private school this year. So, they are homeschooling, but basically sticking to their private school format. The homeschool families are either too far away or too busy to get together. It is very hard some days. If we have a week where we do not have outside things scheduled, my dd is very restless. She goes as far as playing with our chickens:) At least she is getting outside. I feel guilty when I let her fill time by watching TV. She does not read much independently yet, because of her dyslexia. So, I can’t say “Go read a book”. I do let her help me with certain household tasks, but there is nothing like having friends to be with. That is always the highlight of her day, if we can get together with other kids. Sorry I am rambling, but not being any help.
One thing that crossed my mind is what someone said about homeschoolers being able to form relationships with people of all ages. I think this is something I could think about doing myself. Maybe once a week, if there are not other homeschool activities or appts., we could choose an elderly person to go visit. We have many of them in our church. There is a man in our church(late 50’s) who our dd latched onto the first time she went to church with us when she was only 2. She is 10 now, and still loves that man dearly. He is going on a 2 month mission trip later this month, so we called and asked him for supper on the 12th. My older kids used to make the comment that we never have anybody over. I’ve been doing a little better since we adopted dd. But, even our schedule gets so busy that we just don’t find time to invite people to our house. I have 2 children with medical needs, so I am finding myself running to appts. a lot. But, we still need to take time to reach out to others. I would just encourage you to take the lead, and reach out to others and maybe even invite others to do something with you. If it is one-sided, which I often find, you have done your part. Maybe you will encourage others to follow your example.
October 2, 2013 at 7:09 pm
RebekahJP
Member
Yes, I live in a city where everyone wants to be super-involved in everything. Everyone is busy. It was also a reason I hestiated to homeschool for awhile because I didn’t want my children to be socially isolated. It’s so hard to nail down people for playdates. Nobody seems interested in getting kids together just to play. They want it to be a special event or structured activity. And recently one of our good family friends moved, so we are down to just one family we are good friends with.
Not to say we aren’t busy because I have children with special needs so between all my children we have about a dozen therapy appointments a week. Thank goodness most of them are at home. And, yes, we are in a couple extracurricular activities but we still have lots of time at home and lots of time free to potentially spend quality time with friends.
One thing that I need to let go is the “expectations” of friendships when getting together at homeschooling playdates/get togethers. I can’t expect that everyone is going to become my good friend. The crux of the problem is that I am putting us out there at playdates and church, and I do still want our family to be more connected to others. But nobdoy seems interested in wanting friendships. They seem interested in wanting to fill their schedule and having something to do.
I really need to start praying on this because it is has been an unresolved issue for so long. We do enjoy the time we spend together and so close as a family. But I want our community to be broader than that. That is important to me.
October 2, 2013 at 7:43 pm
TailorMade
Participant
A thought. Perhaps you might find a few families and ask if they’d like to have a monthly get together. Set a day/time each month. Then, ask each family to choose the month they’d like to host. If there is a month, or two that don’t get chosen, volunteer to host each of those. That’s how I started a small homeschool group that grew rather quickly over just two or three years. In the beginning, I held it in my home every month. After several months, I asked if others would please host it in their homes and had a signup sheet. Now, I MIGHT host it once a year as the other months are usually snatched up. Mind you, this is a homeschool moms monthly meeting, but it led to family get togethers, park days, field trips, and even a co-op over time. The family events that include dads are only two or three times per year, but the amount of time that we spend with others has increased enough that I have to say no to more and more events as the other families have become more acquainted and accustomed to getting together and organizing events. Someone has to start it. ;0)
October 3, 2013 at 12:30 am
Rebekahy
Participant
Karen we are SO there with you when it comes to always doing the inviting. I LOVE to have people over and I’m a very casual hostess. Not too clean or too formal, yet it seems we hardly EVER get invited anywhere. I understand that some people have a phobia of having to host, but sheesh – I can’t believe how often we host and yet how seldom we are invited – wish you lived near here, we’d love to invite you over! I’ve also struggled with wondering if people don’t like us and accept our invitation because I invite often enough that they don’t have enough excuses not to come, but I’m pretty sure that other people just don’t invite many people over, or if they do they have family over or “better” friends – we’re new to the area by four years. I also wonder if one spouse is on board but the other is not and that prevents invitations. I’m definitely the one driving the invitations in our family, but my husband is understanding that this is a great joy for me. I especially love to have big parties! Showers, holiday parties, super bowl parties! Does no one else do those? We never get invited if they do.
Also Robin – I would LOVE to come over and then go to the barn after dinner! But I’m the type of person that is not afraid to grab a basket of laundry to fold when I have a girlfriend over (informally) – I like to keep my hands busy and chat.
I do wonder though if I should be trying to establish a good friendship with at least one woman in the area – someone that I could really rely on and could also support. It’s kind of scary that I don’t feel like we can even count on our extended family and while I know my hubby is there for me, I wonder if I went through a really rough time if anyone else would be there. I’m sure our church would be with meals or whatever, but our small church seems to definitely be overscheduled and over-extended as individuals – doing lots of programs and things. I do have several neighbors and a homeschool friend who were really great when I just had my baby, but it was quite a production trying to coordinate and figure out when everyone was available, as opposed to having just one really good friend that is flexible enough and is willing to drop everything to help for a couple days. OK, rambling….
Yes, I agree, we’re too busy for each other. Wish we all lived closer!

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