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Applying "tact" to parenting
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I do like her blog. I met Ray & Charlene Notgrass as well as Sonya Shafer and her husband at a curriculum fair in Chattanooga.
I am queen of the lectures around here these days. Long winded, moralizing lectures about why and how one should conduct oneself. And real snoozers about why you should have excellent work ethics, always do your best, etc. Quips like “if you aren’t doing your very best, you’re doing busy work and do you really want to do busy work?” I’m such a bore that half the time I stop myself and exclaim: “I’m sick of listening to me!”
Charlotte is right. This sort of demoralizing does nothing for the child, the behavior or for us as parents and people. I’m kind of tired of kicking myself at the end of the day for my lack of patience and tact and (truthfully) ability to let some things go and see where they lead.
Maybe there comes a time when you can’t influence your children in the same direct ways you did in their early childhoods? Maybe as they grow in to their young adulthood they are who they are and a good bit of the finesse of that person is going to happen through their own experience and their own choice not ours. This would probably be an even more important time for tact!
I think this is something almost all mom’s struggle with. The day in and day out of being with little people is as exhausting and character building as it is lovely and beautiful. Many times I have tried to apply the advice “treat them like friends” or “speak to them like friends.” In theory I like this advice. In reality I often want to scream out, “I don’t have any friends that act like this!” Case in point – my youngest daughter was stomping around the house in my heels yesterday morning. She continued despite my gentle reminders that others were sleeping, the floor might be harmed, or the shoes could get broken. She did not stop until I scolded her (not like I would speak to a friend). Anyone have any advice on how one would speak to their children “like a friend” in these situations? I really don’t have any friends that behave like my young children : )
Cortney – you made me laugh, because I was having similar thoughts. That “my friends don’t act like this” and if they did I would not be their friend :p
For me it is MY attitude. I can very easily get “snippy” or say unnecessary remarks. So instead of just addressing the problem, I bring out a really negative (the under my breath but said outloud comments) Olor start lecturing (which I know does not work). I know it is a heart issue for me, and I know I can very easily be passive aggressive, something that is constant work in progress in my life that I daily have to work on.
So in my house I think tact would look like adressing the problem, what ever is going on, but not adding onto it with lectures or unnecessary remarks. Speaking with more respect for them as a person while addressing the issue at hand.
Not sure if that makes sense. It is a process I have been working on but more recently really starting to make sense about what it actually means to me in my home.
I bought the kindle book Melanie32 mentioned, Hints on Child–Training by Trumbull for only 99 cents. I don’t know if it might be free somewhere else. But it was well worth it so far. It is like sitting down to chat over a slice of pie with grandpa Walton. The author wrote it in the late 1800’s based on his experiences with his own children.
I read chapter nine last night and have been conducting an experiment today. My dd was certainly perplexed by my new response: me not saying anything to her as I normally do each and everyday (nagging). No battle of the wills or anything. I just went and did it myself, quietly, what she knows is her task to do. I was sure to have her see me or hear me doing it though. And she cried because she was sorry she was not “good”. I told her she is good, when she wants to be good. I told her I love her though. I will continue with this experiment this week. It is somewhat of a reverse psychology, I think.
My goal is not to treat my children like friends, but like persons. I certainly want to treat them with the same respect that I treat my friends (and any other person for that matter). However, a parent child relationship is so different from any other relationship on earth.
If we delay discipline, we only get more and more frustrated with the child, which makes it harder and harder to remain patient and kind. It’s also very important to give clear directions when we want our children to do something so that they know mom means business and isn’t just making a suggestion.
Wings2fly-I’m so glad Trumball’s book is on kindle now! I may have to download it for a refresher. I lost my copy years ago. I’m glad you’re finding it helpful so far.
Claire-I loved your post-especially the last paragraph. I went to a workshop on parenting teens at our last state homeschool convention. The speaker made many points that go along with what you are saying. I’ve always read that we should begin to treat our children like young adults instead of like big kids once they hit those teen years. I made so many mistakes with my son in his teen years and am very thankful that the Lord is helping me to handle my daughter’s teen years differently. They need room to figure out who they are, and what they think, and to express their individuality in healthy ways. Our roles as parents change drastically in these years. Raising teens is the hardest thing I’ve ever done!
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