Anxiety about starting school

Hi Betty,

I apologize for taking so long to post. However, you have been on my heart and I’ve been praying for you. I thoroughly understand where you are coming from. A little background so you’ll know.

I have 2 children, one 7 (adopted w/sensory disfunction and social behavior problems due to many things from her prenatal and foster care situation, one 7 1/2. I, at age 31, had brain/spinal cord surgery 2 years ago where they removed a mass/tumor(benign) inside my spinal cord and discovered I have syringomyelia. A condition when spinal cord fluid builds up inside the cord, deteriorating the cord from the base of my brain to my mid-back. They removed the mass and put in 2 shunts to filter the fluid. I experience burning/sensitive skin from my jaw line to my right elbow, muscle spasms from my right shoulder to my forearm, double vision, heat modulation problems,bone pain at my collar bone and shoulder, hand numbness and sharp pain in my palm, my right leg buckles under as I walk, what I call “lightning strikes” of pain across my shoulder. Those symptoms are a combo of my condition and post-surgical complications. Those don’t include the digestive disturbances I’ve had (that I’d never had before!) fromthe meds. I am on. I, too, need a nap everyday.

As for my husband, he has degenerative spine and bone disease and had major back surgery in March, with more to come in the future. He also has gran-mal seizures and absent seizures. With meds. he still suffers from a couple a week, unless there’s more stress than usual. He, too, has digestive problems due to meds. over many years. He has a business at home; a music studio as he is an audio engineer. However, he is inconsistant with working due to his health. Thankfully, my social security was just approved last week to begin in Feb. after waiting for 2 years.

I tell you all this not to get sympathy but to help you know I do understand and have had alot of ajustment these two years. Everyday is differnt! I was the main bread winner due to his back, then neither of us were working. I worked full-time and except for the 6 mths. before my surgery as my mystery symptoms were increaing, I was very active and healthy. So the idea of pacing and limiting myself has been a big mental change. Now, with the chronic pain and less energy it’s been hard. Especially being w/my husband almost constantly for 2 years and he is addicted to TV, especially after his surgery. It’s a way of escape for him while in pain. However, it drives me NUTS!He promises things will be different as he gets more active-we’ll see. Anyway, we did come to an agreement this past schoolyear that the tv would be off 9-12. Still not quite enough time,(specially when 9 turns into 9:30) but better than nothin’. He’s not aware yet of the change I’m going to show that needs to take place for this next year. I am going to show him my schedule, what needs to be done and how I need to accomplish it. Also, how I need his help to accomplish these goals. We will still have rest time, but I will not require my son to lie down. It will be a good time for him to finish any undone work or play quietly. They are not allowed to come out of their rooms, except for a bathroom break during that time.

For me, I couldn’t do anything without my congregation helping us, my children serving their family with their chores and readiness to help with anything, and simplifying life.

May I suggest few things, just practical stuff, trying not to offend? First of all, remember 1 Peter 5:7; and one my favorite Psalms-#121. Do whatever you need to do to experience G-d’s Presence in order to walk in His Spirit. He is a G-d of order and he wants that for your life; it can be done. I love the Psalms! For me, I need time to worship and praise Him with song. To dance in my kitchen. With the tv on in the morn, it’ kinda hard. So I have a set of ear phones I’m wearing now and I need to get up earlier, too and go outside (that’s a hard one for me!). Quiet time recharges me.

Next, your 3 oldest are old enough to take quite a bit of burden of of you. The oldest can fix some meals (like a cold lunch a few times a week), she needs to start learning these skills anyway. Learning to cook for her celiac and being in the kitchen together, helping, so it doesn’t drain you as much. She can definately spend time teaching and reading to the younger ones, as can the 10 yr. olds. You can schedule the 3 ofthem to take turns teaching the 4 yr. old/reading to her when it’s best for your schedule or when the 12 yr. old is working w/the younger,that can be the time you’re workng w/the 10 yr. olds. There have been times when my older boy has read the devotinal to the younger.

About napping-schedule it and decide what to do w/the 4 yr. old. She does need to learn that there is a time not to come out of your room at nap time. A recommendation was given once to actually have a half a door w/no knob that one can’t climb over. You could even start her on a practice timer of when she is allowed to come out. Start setting the timer and practice. That way you will train her to only come out w/your permission. It can be done!

Also, the 3 olders are old enough to have their own schedules and be required to keep & gather and put away their books, tools etc., they need for that day and do independant work independantly and come together as a family at the right time. I started in Jan. in anticipation of my husband’s surgery w/the SCM Organizer. I print out their schedule,set them on the table. After breakfast they gather their materials and get going. I tell them when it’s family time b/c it’s different everyday. Be expecting that you won’t get to some things most days and try to be okay with it. If you can’t do Shakespeare or official art or music this year, shrug it off. It’s a season in your life and it won’t always be this way! I didn’t officially have those three subjects so I had them get a coloring page on the floor and I used the audio version of E.Nesbit’s Shakespeare (from Jim Erskine)for exposure. Same thing for art and music. I put it out there for exposure and discussed it casually. Simplify the school schedule. Make ample use of great lit. on audio on bad days, they can still narrate to you as you lie there on the couch!

I, too make our food from scratch, but I do plan my menu’s so that I have some easier meals on those evenings when I just don’t have much left in me.

Lastly, make sure the older children have chore charts that they can follow and get things completed. As far as that being in your room at 10 pm., set and hold firm to your boundaries! This is the opportunity G-d has provided for ourchildren to learn to serve and sacrifice for others; that they must respect others’ limitations and disabilities and it’s not about their wants all the time. I always pray that G-d will use this to further His purpose in their lives and it be a benfit to them. They know I and their father NEED their help in this family and that’s a very secure place to be.

Have you really spoken to your husband aout what you know helps you? In my situation, what helps him, doesn’tme and I have befirm that I’m not going to do something, knowing the consequences Even if he’s trying to help I stay firm with “Thank you honey, but I know that won’t work. This is what I’m going to try to do and I really need your support so I can be the best wife and mother I can be with the situationG-d has allowed in our lives” or something like that. Just remember, it’s hard for people who’ve not experienced chronic pain and fatigue, brain fog and overwhelming feelings of failure b/c you can’t seem to get what you wanted done, to understand. I know-I didn’t towards my husband until mine came along.

I’m sorry this is so long. Please feel free to email off forum if you want to swap ideas on simplifying your schedule and ideas to get things moving in a right direction. My situation has a long way to go yet, and I too get frustrated to the point where I can’t make any decisions. But I do know from personal experience that you can make your life better through more order, establishing boundaries and getting the rest you need. Also, please don’ compare your schedules to others-it will only fristrate you! Also, that anxiety is an energy drainer all on it’s own (I struggle w/depression and easy aggravation). If you can get to a prayer service soon, I’d recommend it. Only the work of the Holy Spirit can truly revive your spirit.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Rachel in Ga.