Anger in 12yr old boy

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  • This topic has 7 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 14 years ago by Sue.
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  • March 3, 2011 at 7:04 pm
    Misty
    Participant

    I am coming with an open heart, mind and willingness to hear.  I am lost.  I (actually we being dh and myself) don’t know what to do with our 12 yr old son.  He is ANGRY.  At everything.  At anyone.  About everything.

    I will tell you what I do know.  He has a selfish heart that makes this anger rise.  If he doesn’t get his way he’s angry.  If someone says he did it, it makes him angry.  He’s angry cause he has 6 siblings and his 1-on-1 night takes 6 weeks to get back to him.  He’s angry cause his younger brothers are old enough to do things only he used to be able to do.  He’s angry cause … I could go on and on.

    I don’t know what to say to him.  Today he punched the milk mans (we get milk right from the farmer) door cause I said his other brother could fill the milks this time and he could take them to the car.  We get home 20 minuites later and I asked who spilt the corn (for the corn stove) and someone said he did it.  So he kicks the bucket which goes flying through the garage.

    I have him looking up verses about anger now.   And listening to a CD called “the heart of anger” by.. oh blasted I can’t think of his name.  This is not unuasual for him to be angry but the outbursts today are.

    What do you do with a 12yr old to help  him learn the world doesn’t revolve around him.  And after a lot of prayer I truly feel that’s what it is.  I know you don’t know all the ins and outs.  Please feel free to ask me questions I will answer the best I can.  But I am VERY ready to listen.

    One thing I always look at is and feel that if the marriage relationship is not well either is the house.  Now my relationship with dh is good.  WE are on fine ground.  But dh’s been very angry, upset and that’s playing a part, to the point where son in question even said well dads always upset.  (this is because his truck has broke done with major repair 2 times in the last 20 days, our corn stove (main heat source) broke and needed to be fixed, our kitchen stove wouldn’t shut off and had to have a major part replaced… ei.. $$ and not a lot of work = crabby angry dad).  Dad even walked otu of church the other day with daughter and didn’t come back.  So son who lives off our emotions is feeling dad’s HUGELY (if that’s a word).

    Any thoughts would be great.  I’m at the point where maybe he needs more help than I can give him?  But then we’re back to more stress for dad cause that “help” costs money which is not covered by insurance.  I feel like we’re in a vicious (sp) cycle.

    Thanks for your prayers I would love those also.  Misty

    March 3, 2011 at 7:24 pm
    amyjane
    Participant

    Misty, My heart is heavy for you.  I don’t have a 12yo but here are some thoughts.  When my son is struggling it usually manafest in anger.  I have the book Good and Angry and have just began to read it but I would recomend it to you. 

    I think that you have to factor in hormones as well.  It is time for his body to begin to feel different and I am sure that is hard as well.  I also think that we are all selfish or sinful in some way and as the Bible says what is in our hearts will come out when it is shaken.  So I think what is going on with your son is a heart issue that probably can’t be corrected by modifing behavior. 

    I think that having him look up verses is great as a teaching and training tool but I would humbly suggest that his heart seems to be hard right now and that it may seem as though he is being beaten with the Word.  Romans says that it is God’s kindness that leads to repentance.  So may I suggest that you try to give him a weekly night of time with you and your husband – or steal him away for breakfast just you or your husband.  I think he is your oldest and with that comes much more responsibility and so it can in seasons afford him more privalages as well.  It seems to me that his heart is in need right now of some TLC. 

    And I would suggest using that time to mostly talk about things that he enjoys about life right now – hobbies, books, etc.  Help him reconnect and feel that he matters.  And ask him how you can help him with his anger. 

    There is more that I wish I could say but I know that in my own walk with God I am more apt to love and serve and selflessly give of myself when I am reminded of how much I am loved by my Father in Heaven and how much grace He has bestowed in my life.  I would think it would be the same with parenting.  Right now his heart is hard and a BIG does of TLC could help to put it in perspective. 

    Maybe I am wrong these are just my humble thoughts.  Praying for you

    Amy

    March 3, 2011 at 7:30 pm
    alice
    Participant

    Misty,

    Oh…my heart goes out to you!  My dd who is 5 1/2 seems to have some anger issues and it can be very frustrating!  I don’t have any advice other than to say, that last night I was very frustrated with my dd and it was helpful to keep my eyes on God.  Remembering that this problem is not too big for Him.  Thanking Him that He is in charge, and reminding myself that He is sufficient in our situation.  Sorry I cannot offer more “concrete” advice.

    Will be praying for you!!

    Alice

    March 3, 2011 at 7:33 pm
    Misty
    Participant

    Amy thanks your post made me cry, confusing tears.  My heart says YES more TLC, but then there’s this little voice that says “aren’t you just giving him what he wants”.  What’s going to happen when you don’t give him that any more?  When will it be enough?  I don’t and can’t have him become dependent on it.  I’m feeling so torn. 

    Alice I know what you are going through as this son of mine is the same one who was angry and throwing toys at 3.  I will be praying for your dd.  God will get us through this

    March 3, 2011 at 8:11 pm
    simple home
    Member

    Misty,

    My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are feeling desparate and needing some sound advice.

    The first resource I would recommend for angry boys is the No Greater Joy ministries. Even though I don’t agree with Michael Pearl on every issue, HE KNOWS BOYS and the training involved with them. If your ds has been allowed to be angry since a little child, then this is a habit for him and at his age now with hormones, it is manifesting itself in bigger ways. Whatever problems that are occurring though, God is in total control and will use this for His purposes, have faith in that. Your son is precious to Him, and will guide you as you try to work this out in a biblical way.

    Here is a link to the Pearls…http://shop.nogreaterjoy.org/product_info.php/products_id/184

    The jumping ship series I think has advice for the older boys and rebellion, but it may also be good to ask them directly about which resource you need for anger issues. BTW, there are tons of free articles on their website about boys and their needs.

    May the Lord bless you and your family.

    March 3, 2011 at 8:21 pm
    morgrace
    Participant

    Hi Misty,
    Here’s another thought, I don’t know if it fits your situation or not but… Does your son have an area of interest that could be used to serve others? Sometimes the act of doing or giving for another person and meeting a need can take our eyes off ourselves. Perhaps giving of himself in some way to others (maybe outside his immediate family even) would help shift his focus off of himself. My initial thought was to use something he’s interested in… seems that choosing the activity for him could possibly be met resistance and a bad attitude. I’m not at all suggesting you couldn’t “require” that he serve/give, but maybe some way to get him to take ownership for it by using something he’s interested in or good at? My thoughts were running all the lines of “the world is a big place” and “there’s always someone who has it worse than you do”…. some way to help him see outside himself and the bigger picture so to speak. Thinking about others is about the only sure way I know of not to think about myself.

    March 3, 2011 at 8:57 pm
    crazy4boys
    Participant

    My boys show more anger when they are watching movies or reading books with a more violent bent (like super heroes, ninjas, etc).  You could do some read-alouds with a more “character” focus, especially looking for books about boys/men who showed self-control.  Or you could assign independent reading of the same.  I also notice they are able to stay calm much better if they have regular exercise, which can include bike rides or just free time to be outside and do whatever.  Sometimes I have to “kick” them outside.  Getting out in “nature” works wonders for soothing the wild beast inside.  I read Last Child in the Woods and it really helped me see the physical and emotional benefits of being outside.

    A regular schedule/routine also helps as do “assignments”.  For example, one week a boy is responsible for the dog, the next week he does the garbage and bathrooms.  At this age they are wanting to enter the grown-up world but don’t have a lot of control.  If he can provide input into his daily schedule/chores he may feel like he’s contributing.  My boys often get frustrated because they don’t know how to do something so we’re working on teaching them to cook, do laundry, etc so they feel like they have more control and have the skills to do what they want.

    I hope you can find peace soon.

    Heather

     

    March 3, 2011 at 9:26 pm
    Sue
    Participant

    I, too, have a ds (11) who manifests anger frequently.  This has been going on for several years, compounded by (and sometimes because of) the fact that he has high-functioning autism.  Things are sometimes very frustrating to him, so he gets angry.  A lot of it, though, is just because he is rebelling, not exhibiting self-control, or being selfish.  At any rate, we suffer the effects of his throwing things, breaking things, cursing/swearing, etc.  It is very disruptive in our home.

    However, there are days (often a few in a row Smile) where he has “learned his lesson” and he can be a joyful, sweet, funny boy to be around.  What with the autism factored in, we have discovered that it can take a very long time and a lot of repetition for him to “get it” and to think before he speaks/acts.  Patience and especially perseverance are required on my part, for certain.  I figure that God is using this child with these particular difficulties to work these character traits into my life.

    What helps us the most, as suggested by my pastor’s wife, is to pray over him (all my children, really) while he is sleeping.  Sometimes, if I think he is in a deep sleep and will not be disturbed, I go into his room and gently place my hand on him or just over him while I pray.  Other times, I simply stand at the door, place my hands on the door, then pray.  Of course, I can’t pray out loud too vigorously or I’d wake the whole house, lol!  But I know that Satan and his associates hear the firm, authoritative tone of my voice even when spoken softly, as I tell them to stop speaking to, deceiving, and influencing my son’s thoughts and behavior.  And God hears what I’m saying even when lower than a whisper.

    I firmly believe that this has made a huge difference in our household because I’ve seen it.  We are combating the example of an angry dad (his dad does not live with us) because we have lived with this example for a lifetime.  If you can pray with your husband for strength to properly deal with his anger (“Be angry, and do not sin”) it will help matters with your son as well.  The trick is to approach your husband in love, without seeming to condemn him.  Then your prayers (and your husband’s prayers) will not be hindered and will have a great effect on your son.

    Blessings,

    Sue

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