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Am I being too picky?
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Hey Ladies!
Help me please. There are two words that come out of my sons’ (11 & 9) mouths that really bother me. One is ‘disgusting’ and the other is ‘evil.’ I know these are valid words; it’s the casual use of them that I dislike. It just sounds oo-ey 🙂 to me.
For instance, “That’s just disgusting” when something is foreign to them – like an odd food combo someone likes or a different culture’s food and/or customs. Does it sound lazy and ignorant to you? Stuck up? Bratty? And ‘evil’ as in, oh, I don’t know, just a joking, casual (over) use of it.
I know they are trying to mimic their older sibs who tend toward sarcasm (which they inherited from you-know-who 😉 and which we’re working on). But what the older ones say occassionally (and can craft in a truly funny way), the younger ones say quite often, in a coarse, ‘this is really not funny’ way.
I tend to be picky; I’m looking for a reality check here. If I’m not being picky, any thoughts about how to PATIENTLY correct and train? I know I need to get the older ones on my side with this and that will be challenging. Thanks!
Blessings,
Cindy
I haven’t made it this far in parenting yet but just thought I might share what came to mind regarding this situation. 1 Cor 10:23-24 says that everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. Regarding the “that’s disgusting” when referring to other people’s likings or preference I think I would share this verse with them and talk about how we are allowed to have that opinion about something but that on most occasions it is not constructive to share that opinion with the person holding the different taste or preference. Depending on where they are in understanding I think you could talk about times that it might be ok to voice that opinion (like maybe just kidding with your brother who likes coffee or such) If not I may just say that it is not constructive and leave it at that if I didn’t feel that the child was able to discern appropriate times.
I am not sure about the use of evil. Didn’t quite get a read on how they are using it from what you wrote. i think the concern for me would be downgrading the meaning of the word. We are to flee evil, think on things that are true and the likes and so I am not sure how a conversation casually using evil can be constructive either. Things that are evil should not be things that we laugh about or try to get a laugh out of. Those are the reason that Christ was nailed to the cross.
I think these verses could help shape their thinking on why it may be permissible to use the words but not beneficial or constructive. Hope this helps in some way.
I do, however think that it is very wise of you to ask the question “Am I being to picky?” I have learned that some times I catch myself parenting out of preference (my likes/dislikes and the such) rather than principle. I personally think that is a dangerous road with a child who is different from you in so many ways.
Hope this helps,
Amy
Once the kids get the ages of your children, I allow a little freedom in expression…but not necessarily around me, lol!
When I hear words that I think are inappropriate, I tell my kids, “Please don’t say that around me.” I say it kindly, not in a punishing or demeaning way. If they want to use the word elsewhere, fine. But I don’t want to hear it. I think it’s a good lesson for them to learn that certain speech is unacceptable to certain audiences.
This approach seems to work pretty well. It’s picky but not overbearing, imo. As their mother, I think I have a right to be picky in my own home, but I don’t want to be a dictator over their every utterance.
For kids younger than yours, I would put my foot down. It might be picky, but language is powerful in influencing how you think, and little kids using ugly words is very distasteful to me. But if older kids want to experiment, I don’t mind that much…as long as it’s not around me.
Comments about “disgusting” food that someone else prepared is one of my pet peeves. Personally, I would work on the habit of being polite about food, without bringing their specific vocabulary into question. When my kids make impolite comments about food that is served, I ask them to leave the room. This is probably considered really picky by some people, but I find the “disgusting” remarks ungrateful and disrespectful. It’s disheartening for anyone to make a meal and have it received with negative remarks. I do teach the kids some phrases they can use when they don’t like a food (“No thank you,” being the easiest one), and when I tell the kids to leave the room, I give the option of “Come back when you are ready to speak nicely.” Sometimes they don’t come back! ha! But most of the time, they do and they are welcomed back to the meal.
I will say that I do not think you are being too picky. I am the same way about the way my children talk. I am probably on them more than what others would be but I believe it is important. Mine also went through a stage of using evil way too much. I was clear that I did not like the overuse of the word. My oldest has definitely caught onto my sarcasm and sometimes I want to hide because I am the one that taught him. Talk about a reality check. LOL!!!
Thanks Ladies, I do not feel picky anymore. I also think that one of the things that bugs me about this is the command to let our yes be yes and our no be no. Like Esby said, “No thank you.” I am going to raise the bar around here. It’s difficult to read another person’s children, but when they are your own, it’s easy to hear the ‘lazy’ talk coming out. So, I thank you for your insight and if anyone else wants to chime in, I’ll check back later.
Here also is the reminder to us moms about what we do in moderation, our children will do in abundance. I am reminded to make sure my own speech honors the Lord.
Blessings,
Cindy
I’ve been pondering this ever since you posted and even more so in reading the replies. I share with all due respect to everyone and in humility.
I can’t help but think of the times we’ve been at the park, or at a restaurant, or anywhere teenagers (or younger) might be without their parents and hearing them say things I wished I would not have had to hear – much less my children. If we teach our children at home that something is inappropriate or unkind, why is it o.k. for them to say it anywhere else outside of our presence?
I agree about allowing them freedom of speech, but does it mean that unless they’re around mom/family, they can speak freely? Our freedom comes with responsibilities. I’d like to think that in saying no, with no exceptions, we are teaching them responsibility, kindness to others, and most of all consideration for all. Explaining to them why it’s not acceptable always makes them think about things.
You think you are picky, Cindy, I discourage “hate”, “stupid”, “gross”, “stinky”, “fart”, “booger”, and ….. I think these are the only ones that have come up, so far. I want my children to think about their words and choose them considerately. Not just for the family or anyone else’s ears, but most importantly in thanksgiving to the God that has blessed them with the very gift of speech.
I do apologize if anyone feels offended with this. I wasn’t even going to give my thoughts on this at all in fear of offending, but my heart kept tugging and my mind would not rest.
God bless,
Rebecca
ps: I find homeschooling to be a blessing in many ways, but for me, I’ve learned so much about who I am (my struggles) because they do imitate us so naturally. If I didn’t have them at home with me, I could easily pass off their poor habits on what they’ve learned “out there”. It is because I have them at home that I can see more of myself and am therefore able to improve. This is why we work on virtues as a family – our struggles are interconnected.
Rebecca,
I do not think you have offended anyone and I thank you for your comments. My comments about the older children were about the sarcasm that can be humorous being translated in the littler ones as sounding vulgar. Our list of banned words is the same as yours. I was just wondering if I was being picky regarding these two. Again, an older sister says ‘yucky’ and a younger brother starts with ‘disgusting.’ See the progression?
I think through our discussion, which has been very helpful by the way, I have come to the conclusion that if I do not feel a peace about something, I need to think that it’s the Holy Spirit in me directing and discipling my children. Besides the scriptures already mentioned, I was thinking this morning about how our speech is to be edifying. If I – the mom (because I’m assuming I’m the most spiritually mature one here 🙂 ) – am not edified by what is being said in my home by my children, it needs to go.
I think this is similar to the scenario where the children will say, “We were just playing (or joking, or…).” I tell them that if it is true ‘play’ it will be pleasant for the rest of us to listen to. If they are ‘playing’ and I am stressed, then it is not true play.
Thank you again, everyone for helping me get my perspective turned back on the Lord! Rebecca, I know that was difficult to post something that you thought might offend, but you were brave and listened to the Holy Spirit! Thank you for your obedience to Him.
Blessings,
Cindy
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