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advice on tough situation with a friend….
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OKay – I will try to be concise, but that is always a struggle for me – but here goes anyway….
I am struggling with how to handle a tough situation with one of my best friends. We have been friends since college and she has been through the toughest and happiest times of my life with me – this is one of those friends, that even though we live 4 hours apart – is still one of my closest – I always imagine that we will still be that close when we’re in our 80’s. Since June I have not been able to get in touch with her – she has not responded to phone calls or emails (and there has not been any conflict between us) – even when I was in her town for a week and called to get together (something we always do when I am in town). A couple weeks ago I sent her an email letting her know that I was getting concerned about her since I hadn’t heard back from her in so long and wanted to make sure everything was okay. I still didn’t get a response and called her last week. She did answer the phone this time and told me that she was pregnant out of wedlock. She has never been married and I know it has been tough for her watching all her friends get married and have children, I am not unaware of that and have done my best to be sensitive to that, even though it is hard sometimes because our lives are not similar in the day to day. The guy is not someone she has been dating for any amount of time – she was going to marry him and then called it off (all within two months) – she is considering adoption, but is not for certain and he is not on board which complicates that matter. All that to say, what concerns me even more is that now she still will not respond to my emails or calls. I am of course concerned about her tough situation, but even more concerned that she is shutting me (and most likely other) friends out. I want to love and support her but am not sure how. Has anyone been in this situation, one side or the other, and do you have any advice of what to do or not do? I have had other friends who were pregnant out of wedlock, but the situations were different and they were not shutting me out like this. Like I said, this is one of my closest friends – I love her dearly – and feel like I am loosing her. It is so hurtful on many levels. I’d appreciate any wisdom you ladies have to offer. My sweet husband is being very loving to me (but doesn’t understand it from a woman’s friendship perspective), as are some of my other close friends, but I have not found anyone that has dealt with this before. Thanks! Lesley
Lesley…I am so sorry for what your friend is going through, for clearly this is a distressing time for her. I have not been in this situation before on either side, but wanted to condole with you and offer what little I can. Do you think she is concerned you will condemn her? Or try to tell her what to do? I wonder if you could write her a letter telling her you want to be her friend and that you are there for her to help her through this. Sometimes we ladies think we have to fix our friends’ problems when sometimes all we can do is hold their hands for a while. Just my thoughts. God bless you and your dear friend!
Lesley,
This is such a hard situation to be in–both for your friend and you. If she were my best friend, I would find a way to drive to her town and see her. I’m sure you know where she lives and works, so it wouldn’t be hard to find her. And, under these particular circumstances, I would show up unannounced if necessary. Your friend is probably afraid that you might judge her or give her a lecture or something if she were to talk to you, which is why she’s avoiding you. She may also be confused about her situation. She may not know it, but she needs you right now. She needs the comfort of your friendship, your shoulder to cry on, and some godly wisdom spoken in love. My best friend lives six hours away. Although our lives are very similar because we’re both in Christian families and we homeschool, there would be nothing standing in my way to be there for her in a desperate situation. That’s what best friends are for!
Blessings,
Lindsey
I had the same gut reaction as Lindsey to your story, Lesley! I would be worried sick, just like you are, and I think I would try to see her in person – a big hug would be a great way to start the conversation.
Sounds like you are a good friend – I hope everything works out alright.
Gem
Hi Lesley, she must be in complete turmoil with her situation and not know how anyone is going to react, so is maybe shutting them out – it could also be, that she wants to be able to make her own mind up about everything without anyone putting pressure on her to do one thing or another. If it were me, and I have no experience of this, so it is just what I think – I would write her a personal letter, telling her how much you care for her, how much you cherish the friendship and how much you understand her need to maybe do this her way. I would tell her that you are there for her no matter what, and that if she needs you all she has to do is reach out – I would let her know that you understand her need to maybe make all these decisions and have time to think things through without pressure – and that you do not judge her and respect her need for alone time. In other words, I would let her know how much I love her friendship, but I also understand that she has to have time to come to terms with what is happening in her life – and that you will be there when she needs you, whenever that is, and under whatever circumstances.
I think that is all I can offer, but I am certain she has her reasons and I don’t think she is deliberately trying to hurt you. Linda
I think if you can just let her know that you support her and all of the decisions she is making and that you do not want to judge her, but just be there for her to talk to.
I cannot say how your friend is feeling for sure, as each person is different. I will tell you a little bit of how I felt though….
I felt ashamed. I could barly tell my mother and sister. Even though they knew something was up with me as I had been very distant. I knew they would love and support me and that they would not say hurtful things or judge me..but I still did not want to tell them. I felt that people who did not know me judged me and I wasn’t even showing yet. I was to be married and I felt this way…I cannot imagine how it would have been made further if I was not. There was so much going on in my head that I couldn’t sleep. Should we move up the wedding, should I just stay single until after…how would that affect me or the baby. How could I have let myself do this..I know better and I felt 100% responisible for it all. I felt that my soon-to-be husband would now hate me and it was going to put us into financial hardship. Well these are just a few of the things I was feeling. I didn’t want to be excited about the baby, but also I wasn’t entirely unhappy about it either. I was just in the middle. I felt just all over the place. I didn’t want others to say they were happy for me, but I also didn’t want them to say how could you. Even the people who didn’t offer advice seemed to want to know what was going on. This all took place in only a few weeks..if it has been months for her then that could add to it.
Maybe she just needs her time and that is not an offense to you or maybe she just needs you to let her know that you don’t need answers from her or to give her advice. Maybe she could use a lunch date and to talk about football..well maybe not that but you know what I mean.
If most of her friends have gotten married and had babies then she got to see you all announce it to everyone and for eveyone to be happy and have baby showers and not really make any super hard life changing decisions like adoption or marriage. She doesn’t get to have that..at least not right now.
Now I have been married 8 years and my 7 1/2 year old is absolutly one of the best people in my life…I will never be proud of myself and likely my children will add it up someday and we will have to discuss it but I do not regret it as it has made me who I am today. Perhaps my walk with the Lord would not be what it is now? She will get there, but it may not seem like that now to her.
You are a very loving friend to be so concerned for her and I hope and pray that you can open a door for her confide in you!
Thank you all for your encouragement, perspective, and wisdom. I really do appreciate it. I did finally get a response from her yesterday to my email from last week, but it was very short (two sentences literally saying that she does check that email often but is terrible at responding [she never has been in the past though] and she hoped the boys and I were enjoying the great weather) – which to me translates that she is at least reading what I write her but doesn’t want to talk to me about it. Interestingly enough, I just started attending a bible study on the book of James and last night we were discussing the endurance of trials – it gave me more clarity on my job as her friend to encourage her that she was not being judged and condemned by this trial but rather purified, strengthened, and being made more Christ-like. I do intend on sending her something in the mail rather than email and possibly trying to go see her before early December (when I am usually in town to see my parents and her). I thank you all for your prayers – I know you all do not know her or me, but please do pray for her situation and our friendship when it comes to mind. I am realizing that I really have to trust the Lord to sustain our friendship even though to me it looks impossible.
As for today – I am packing up for the weekend. My husband and I are going on our first vacation with just us (no children) in 7 years! Ironically, we are going to a wedding of another close friend who is being married for the first time and is 40 – it is nice to share in her joy, I am so happy for her. We are going to be in the city where I used to live (Savannah, GA), where we started dating. We are going to go back to the restaurant we went on our first date (a cheap pizza place) and the night we were engaged. We’re going to drive back by my old apartment in the historic district where he proposed on my balcony with the overhanging live oak covered in Spanish moss while the carriage tours drove past underneath on the brick streets. We’ll worship in my former church downtown that is over 250 years old with amazing architecture and an enormous pipe organ – and see friends I haven’t seen in a long time. Mostly we’ll be enjoying some time together where we can complete a conversation without interruption and also enjoy some silence. Ahhhh, I’m just a bit excited if you can’t tell! Just had to share.
Thanks again ladies – I really do appreciate you all writing me back on this!
Lesley
Thank you all for your encouragement, perspective, and wisdom. I really do appreciate it. I did finally get a response from her yesterday to my email from last week, but it was very short (two sentences literally saying that she does check that email often but is terrible at responding [she never has been in the past though] and she hoped the boys and I were enjoying the great weather) – which to me translates that she is at least reading what I write her but doesn’t want to talk to me about it. Interestingly enough, I just started attending a bible study on the book of James and last night we were discussing the endurance of trials – it gave me more clarity on my job as her friend to encourage her that she was not being judged and condemned by this trial but rather purified, strengthened, and being made more Christ-like. I do intend on sending her something in the mail rather than email and possibly trying to go see her before early December (when I am usually in town to see my parents and her). I thank you all for your prayers – I know you all do not know her or me, but please do pray for her situation and our friendship when it comes to mind. I am realizing that I really have to trust the Lord to sustain our friendship even though to me it looks impossible.
As for today – I am packing up for the weekend. My husband and I are going on our first vacation with just us (no children) in 7 years! Ironically, we are going to a wedding of another close friend who is being married for the first time and is 40 – it is nice to share in her joy, I am so happy for her. We are going to be in the city where I used to live (Savannah, GA), where we started dating. We are going to go back to the restaurant we went on our first date (a cheap pizza place) and the night we were engaged. We’re going to drive back by my old apartment in the historic district where he proposed on my balcony with the overhanging live oak covered in Spanish moss while the carriage tours drove past underneath on the brick streets. We’ll worship in my former church downtown that is over 250 years old with amazing architecture and an enormous pipe organ – and see friends I haven’t seen in a long time. Mostly we’ll be enjoying some time together where we can complete a conversation without interruption and also enjoy some silence. Ahhhh, I’m just a bit excited if you can’t tell! Just had to share.
Thanks again ladies – I really do appreciate you all writing me back on this!
Lesley
Lesley, have a wonderful time with hubby and enjoy the alone time as well as the wedding. Life has been a struggle at times and it will do you a power of good. I will pray for your safe travels, for a refreshing time for you both, for a good time away from mom and dad for the children, and I will continue to pray for your friend. Now don’t worry, just go off and enjoy. Bless you – Linda
just a quick update – I don’t want to be one to ask for advice and prayer and not respond with an update. My time with my husband last weekend was wonderful and long overdue – we said many times over that it helped us remember that we really do like one another and aren’t just great roommates and business partners 🙂 But back to the situation with my friend…things have remained silent from her up until today. I actually was very down about it yesterday as it was my birthday and it was the first time she had not called and sang to me since we became friends back in college (a long standing silly tradition between the two of us). I went to bed very sad last night thinking about it. I got her something while I was away and have been praying about a note I wanted to send her with it in the mail. I have also been trying to think about when I could go over and see her and if that was wise seeing as she has been avoiding me lately. I have prayed for wisdom in how to best be a friend to her. This morning my phone rang and it was her – she was wishing me a belated birthday and it was obvious she wanted to talk. We talked for about an hour and she really opened up to me. I could tell through our conversation that many of my specific prayers for her were being answered. And the best of all (what fell is my best birthday present of all) is that she wants to come stay with us for a few days!! I felt as if I was getting my friend back. I have cried tears of joy for a change this morning. So thank you all for your prayers – they are being answered! And please continue to pray when it comes to mind. Specifically that God will give her wisdom in her decisions on her relationship with the father of the baby (whether or not she wants to marry him), strength as she looks ahead at being a single mom (she has ruled out adoption but is scared of what lies ahead), and for our friendship that it will be strengthened and I will have wisdom in how best to support and encourage her.
Lesley
I am very happy that you had a lovely renewing weekend away. that is always important – so often we forget our own marital/partner needs when life gets busy. Second I am thrilled that your friend called and is coming to stay. I know she will get true support from you, I wish you all many blessings. Thanks for updating. Linda
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