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A young mans heart?
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This came to me as I was posting on the sibling issue.
My 13yr old son is the oldest of 7. He HATES it. There is no dought.
He tells me all the time, that he hates his siblings. They are annoying, always copying him, nagging him, bothering him, needing him, and he’s very jelouse(sp) of them . . etc.
The problem is I’m an only child. If I wasn’t getting along with my friends, ‘I went home’. I had step siblings I was in contact with until I was 15 and I felt alot of the same way he does, but I was “made” to do things with these people and I was only with them every other week.
My dh is the 2nd son, with only an older sister. They got along pretty well. But she’s 4 yrs older and they didn’t really see/clash/deal with eachother much. From the stories of childhood.
I don’t know if this is just a child/teen age thing? Is it something more I have to deal with? My heart tells me it’s a selfish thing, it screams it at times actually. He wishes he was an olny child, had us all to himself. I see it in his attitude with anything that they (the siblings) do.
We try to talk to him and tell hiim what a special place he is in our home. He’ll always be the 1st born and what a wonderful place that is. That it is a great responsiblity that God thought and knew he could handle and it’s going to be a BIG help in his life later. He just looks at us and either rolls his eyes or say’s he don’t want it.
I’m at a loss of what to do. What to say anymore. Like today is our anniversary and he says to me when I get married I want only my parents, grandparents and a few close friends, a very small wedding. I looked around with my eyes as to say what about them. He looks at me and says, well if I must. That is silly I know, but it also breaks your heart.
I also, try to tell him of the sadness I have at times without having an siblings. No one to talk just chat with that knows you, no one to share stories about our childhood or our parents, no one to help me with them when the time comes, no one to even morn with me. I will be alone, have been and will be. How nice it would be to have someone there to share my life with that would love me through it all, be there through it all and support me or me them as life comes our way.
Maybe I’m just rambling, but you get my feelings, even my heart issues maybe? Where do I go with this child? I want him to atleast not hate them. I don’t know. Misty
Oh, Misty, I read your post and I just can’t help but come here and offer you a hug. That must break your heart.
Keeping your family, and especially your son, in my prayers.
Sorry Misty that I have no advice here except to keep praying for him. Maybe it is his age? Hugs to you and I know just how you feel as an only child. It is nice to have someone to share with. But then dh wishes he were only child because he and his brother do not see eye to eye on many issues and he is afraid they will be fighting over stuff their parents leave behind when they die. So I guess siblings “just depends” on what kind of friend they are. Do they play nice together? Also, I think this is the age (from what I’ve read/heard) where they NEED more time with dad or other fatherly figure (grandfather/church elders?) and less time with mom and siblings. He is going from boyhood to manhood. There are probably hormones coming in to play also.
So sorry you’re struggling Misty. Praying for you and your family. I’m sure hormones do come into play. Blessings, Gina
Good morning, I had read the post and wasn’t sure if I should reply as I am no expert, but I wanted to offer this little bit. Prayer is everything! Keep praying for that young man as he struggles through this time of his life when things are going on that maybe he doesn’t even understand himself. Just keep praying for him, and as his parent, even pray out loud over him if you are comfortable doing that. Not praying outloud in a condeming manner such as please make him better! But praying the Christ would capture his heart and have His way. You could try reading the Bible with him about loving examples of forgiveness or love. And of course demonstrate that love yourself. You might also consider trying to give him a quiet time to himself during the day where he is allowed to do something uninterupted such as reading or a boardgame with you or a hobby? Just some thoughts.
Hi Misty,
So sorry your young fellow is struggling and I, too, am no expert, but will offer what I have. First of all, he is not the only one (with siblings and being the oldest) that feels that way about his siblings. I can count at least 3 people in my life that are not overjoyed at being the oldest or having siblings. My even-tempered oldest son asks from time to time why we couldn’t have just had him. Huh?? He really doesn’t care for his bros., well, maybe his youngest, but even that depends. He is a good kid, but I still occasionally look at him and pray that someday he will learn to love his bros, really love them. I know he might not always “like” them, but I do want my boys to look out for each other and not be estranged.
My oldest seems to not enjoy having siblings when I have put too much responsibility on him or have not required them to play together enough. If I put too much, he wonders why they can’t do “such and such” on their own (he may have when he was their age) and gets a little annoyed by having to help them (not me, but them) with menial tasks he thinks they’re old enough to do. If I don’t require them to spend enough time together, he gets used to that and is rather annoyed by them….it’s a balancing act, that’s for sure. But….I was not the oldest in my family so I really don’t know how he feels (hormones included) in that regard. But, I do have siblings, and that is not always a walk in the park. We do not always get along, talk about our families and homeschooling, etc., we laugh at times over our childhood’s but most of the time disagree on what it was really like. Everyone’s perception is their perception. So, as much as I try to convince my son that your bros are for life and you’re gonna wish you had a good relationship with them, etc. I really don’t show him that with my own family, most of the time. My husband doesn’t either. Each side of our families are very different, we have some things in common and many things not in common, iykwim.
Also, I did want to say, for what it’s worth, that we really can’t compare what we would’ve liked to have when we were growing with that of our children. Our kids have their own upbringing and we can’t undo what we didn’t have through our children, or even tell them that we wished we would’ve had “such and such”, so they should be happy about “fill in the blank”. My husband is fine example of that and has found out the hard way that it doesn’t work! He has really overcompensated with our boys in the things he didn’t have growing up, and you know what, they really don’t care about motorcycles, organized sports, etc., he did. And he just can’t figure out why they aren’t happy with all these toys that he would’ve loved as a child, and he gets (well, he used to) frustrated. I have had to remind him that he cannot redo his childhood through our kids, they do not feel the same about the loss, because it wasn’t them. He’s given them things that they haven’t even had a chance to “want” because he doesn’t want them to feel like he did as a kid. He’s over it now, for the most part, but only after realizing that it wasn’t working and it really didn’t change HIS childhood, which is what he was trying to do. Sad, but true.
Like I said, I’m no expert, but I do have an older child that has some of the same feelings as your son. I try not to be too hard on him or preachy….I really don’t know exactly how he feels and sometimes he needs to be validated. Sometimes he needs to be with other kids his own age and out riding his bike, alone, and not having to be “older brother”.
I have three sons. This is a phase your son is going through. I know that may sound pat and this phase is hard. I remember well. When my oldest son was about that age he would say how his brothers bugged him and especially the son who was closest to his age. He would also say how he hated his middle brother. Well 3 or 4 years later I can say they act like best friends. My older sister very close to my age acted the same with me and now she is my best friend. Remind your eldest that his younger siblings are watching him and really want to be like him. They are complementing him when they try to act like him. I do realize his feelings are very real to him at this moment so he does need to be taken seriously. For that reason he needs to be given more space and alone time. He is at a difficult age and needs help getting through this age. A lot of prayer helps. It did us. And we talked a lot. I know it must be even difficult for you with 7 children. I have had to find ways to make each one of my feel special and I only have three. I hope all works out and this too (storm) shall pass. I hope this helps.
Hi Misty,
I was here looking for something else, when the title of your post caught my eye. We have a family of 5 girls and 1 boy (who is #5 in birth order), a sixteen year-old. Lately, whenever I see something about raising young men, it catches my eye.
Our situation is much different than yours, as my son has no brothers to dislike, though he has his own issues. However, I just watched a video last night, a talk by a homeschool father of 2 sons. Perhaps it will give you some food for thought. The main idea I took away from the video: respect your son as he grows older. I originally learned to respect my children through Charlotte Mason–now, as my son grows into manhood, I’m learning new ways to show respect for him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myWK95oA2TU&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL
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