A question for those of you with teens and older…

My daughters are now 19 years old and we have had a wonderful relationship, they are twins, so the relationship between them has always been very close and they rarely have had disagreements which is something I am grateful about.  They do have very different personalities and that has been interesting to watch develop – but because we always kept the lines of communication open the issues that may have arisen to cause conflict have not happened.  The girls have been through many challenges in the recent years, hurricane, death, illness many moves and yet through it all we have maintained a pretty calm and pleasant home – I can count the acutal raised voice discussions on one hand – and truthfully it was me with the raised voice being impatient – we have always had meals together, even though one daughter has been on a liquid diet for a long time now due to ill health, she joins us for dessert and afterwards we talk about our day and read a book aloud – at the moment it is 7 Men Who Rule the World from the Grave.  We play games together, do crafts and garden together, we all have hobbies that we like to do and spend time doing that.  We all go and enjoy the barn where my daughter rides and it has a true family atmosphere so we all enjoy it – we hope to become more involved this year.  We have afternoon tea nearly everyday which is another chance for us to discuss things in the world or in our lives or to read.  The girls no they can come to me and talk to me about anything and everything – and they do.  When they were younger I held them accountable for their actions, they knew what was expected and they knew that a priviledge would be removed should they disobey.  I raised them in a very loving environment, but they were taught to respect people and things and to take care of their toys and books.  We spent oodles of time outdoors doing things and still do – we coked and cleaned together and I have to say as the girls got older  – I had to do little to keep things ticking over nicely, they are well mannered, caring and very responsible girls who would do anything for anyone to help them.  We taught them honesty and diligence and when they told lies, they knew we were disappointed and they paid their consquence, we did not have many occasions where that was necessary.  I never disciplined them with fear or physical punishment  and never needed to – we have been careful about the people we mix with, and the activities they have been involved with and in general that has worked well.

I really believe that our teen years were smooth because of the foundations we laid as parents from toddlerhood onwards – we followed the train up a child in the way he should go and it worked.  There was never need to smack them, or do anything like that, because they were taught step by step how to do what was expected, when they stumbled in a behavior we talked about it, removed something they liked, and explained again why they had stumbled.  It takes time and patience but it pays off big time later on.  You are very smart thinking about this now Jen, if you don’t train the habits when they are young, you will have a hard time reigning in the behavior when they are teens.  We are great proponents of the learning through love and attention, not impatience and corporal punishments – we found that time was the most important thing in raising our little ones in the way they should behave.  Permissive parenting was not for us, we wanted well mannered and caring girls, and we do have them now.  Was it always easy – no – at times my patience was tested to the limits, but then I would walk away, take a break and go back to the situation – if I ever raised my voice in a way that was unkind, I would always apologise and ask for forgiveness and they would do the same.  God has been good, and His lessons in the Bible have helped immensely in raising our daughters, love, compassion, training with patience and time given to the task are the best ideas I have for you.  Blessings,  Linda

I think another important piece is for mom and dad to realize what DOES need to happen.  It is so easy to sort of forget that the kids need to grow up.  No, they don’t need to “rebel” but they DO need to be allowed to grow and assume responsibility for themselves gradually.  If you persist in treating them as forever 10 you will run into trouble.  Decide in advance how you are going to handle this–a lot of it needs to be tied to developing maturity, but that developing maturity can really sneak up on you and you can be taken by surprise if you have a frustrated teen who needs a little more room to spread his wings. 

I think my view is colored by having all boys.  I still consider my sons close, but there IS a difference–I am just not “Mommy” anymore.  I have a vital role, but it’s different, and if I tried to keep them forced into the old mold, it wouldn’t work.  To be the men God has designed them to be, they have to move beyond being my little boys.  I need occasionally to give myself good talkings-to so I don’t impede this.  Sometimes when I encounter what looks like rebellion or frustration in them, it is actually my own views that need some adjusting–again.  🙂  I have to pry another finger off.  LOL 

Great question! We have one that is 19, one 14, and one 11.

So far we are doing well.  Communication is great and relationships are good.  I have always loved teenagers, working with them in the real world and in church ministry.

My husband and I have always shared our past with our children. We were not raised in Christian homes. We have always talked open and honest with them.  Always telling them that whatever they may do we would always love them. That family is Number 1.  Spent lots of time together making memories. Family night, camping trips, sunday drives, lake trips, etc. 

We also trust them and allow them to make their friend choices, however their friends must come over to our house or spend their time with us.  Unless we know the parents very well.  (This is few) 

I do not claim to have all of the answers. I am still in the middle of it. I pray constantly for our family to have unity and that the hearts of our children will be turned towards us.  My daughters consider me there best friend and for that I am grateful!! They come to talk to me about boys, friends, etc. they want my opinion and they are always talking. I make sure I’m listening.

Vanessa