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A couple of things I've learned over the years
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I could have titled this something along the lines of, “When my talk did not match my walk.”
20 years ago when we were starting the homeschool journey, two mantras were prevalent: “Character is more important than academics” and “If God wants them to be a rocket scientist he will prepare them in spite of my weaknesses.” I repeated that same thing to myself and others, but I can see now that it was stated (in my case) out of pride. I did not walk that through the years and put an overemphasis on ‘getting it done’ even when my children’s character was at risk.
A real-life example we are experiencing right now (and what finally brought me to my huge ‘aha!’ moment) is my son that is going into 9th grade. We have had 18 months of crisis in our family (I needn’t go into all of the ins and outs of that). My children’s academics at times went totally by the wayside. We limped along. At this year’s end of school year evaluation, it became clear that there were areas that my son had ‘blown me off’ on during this entire time. I promptly came up with THE LIST of things that he needed to complete in order to enter into 9th grade. My tone with him was, “When these things are done, you may graduate. That can be this fall, or that can be January; whenever.” I can be very sarcastic.
Anyway, on to the ‘aha’ – we go his test scores back and he scored way above grade level in most, not all subjects. I was left with a dilemna: Do I persist and protect my pride in this situation? Or do I praise God with my son for what He had done in him “in spite of our weakness?” Shall I go even deeper into the true confession and confess that I did struggle with this for a couple/few hours? How wonderful for my son’s spiritual growth to see that God is working in him! Even him!!
Next thing: I really got caught in the loop of “but she/he has only a short time left in school!” and really piled on the work that I thought they were lacking in. This flew in the face of our goal of raising children that love to learn. Now, I know there are requirements; I’m not speaking of that. It was fear that drove me on. However, if we have done our part to raise adults that are still learners, why was I stressing on making sure that the covered every single thing in every single era (an impossible task anyway!).
Anyway, I just thought I would share out of my own ‘hall of shame’ – tongue in cheek there, I’m not beating myself up. Maybe it can help some of you young moms in your planning for this year. I could go on, but the oven timer is beeping!
Blessings to you all!
Cindy
Well, one thing I know is that it is very hard to confess to my children that I was wrong about something. Even as I typed this, I wanted to find kinder, gentler words than simply “I was wrong.” However, admitting these things to them provides them with a good example for confronting pride in their own lives and thus building character. I would rather my children, when they are grown, would not be left with the impression that “Mom always thought/acted as though she never made mistakes.”
I would first consider how much weight test scores ought to carry, then look again at his year-end evaluation. I’m assuming by that you mean your snapshot of what he did during the school year. If by “blown off” you simply mean “did not complete A and B,” but he has gained the knowledge you feel is appropriate in light of his capabilities, then it is indeed time to follow your own statement….and confess to your son that, indeed, he achieved much despite your weakness of expecting quantity instead of quality. I would separate the mention of your “weaknesses” from mention of his, otherwise it may appear you are merely trying to shift the blame.
At a later moment, you could then go back and discuss his need for diligence and thoroughness in his work. This kind of thing, at his age, always makes me think of the verse I Corinthians 13:11, “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” My 13dd often acts very maturely, taking the initiative with things, and I can really count on her often. Then there are times when the childish behavior or decisions take over, and I’m reminded that she still needs to be taught and led. My example can often be the best teacher for her.
Blessings,
Sue
I could have written this. And, I agree w/ you.
But, there’s also the piece of the puzzle here that falls into obedience and respect for you as the authority. Please, bear w/ me.I live in a “red” state – specific expectations of hsers and reporting – so I have that pressure on me. I have also just come off a “battle of the wills” w/ my youngest 2, particularly the youngest. Dd took 6 months to get “caught up” but ds took 8 months. Yes, we bumped heads all.year.long! Granted, they are younger than your ds, but the idea is the same. I had also had to do this w/ 2nd ds when he was 12 (took about 2 weeks to really sink in).
Basically, they did not *want* to do the work expected of them. It was not hard or unmanagable, certainly not an academic issue. They were blatantly refusing to do the work. This sounds like more of the issue you are having w/ your ds and what I would focus on at this point. (Maybe I’m missing something here. Please try to understand that i’m basing this only on what you’ve shared and my understanding of it.)
I also have some apologizing to do w/ my dc. We all have areas that we struggle w/ and showing them the example of what God expects of us speaks volumes to them. Thank you for sharing. It’s always nice to hear how others are doing. It’s encouraging. And those A-ha moments always make you feel good. God is faithful and gives us what we need.
K
Cindy, I hear your heart and always look forward to your wisdom – seasoned with grace, love & humility. You have helped me greatly today, as I’m a bit frantic making sure 15yo ds has crossed all his T’s and dotted all his I’s for this year & planning for next year. Thank you for reminding me of Gods continual care over our children- I think I’ll pray for him now and go & give him a BIG hug.
With Love,
Heather
Also, not sure of the crisis in your family over the past 18 months (BTW have missed you here), but praying for you now… peace & restoration in Christ….
Cindy, I hear you too – sometimes it is hard to see the errors we ourselves make and in those early years it was often. The start of highschool was another pivot point, where I got a little frantic and freaked out – but after a while I realised nothing really changes, sure the work gets a little more difficult but the method doesn’t and as I sit now planning our final year, I feel so much more relaxed. I know that with my daughter’s health issues over the last 18 months and that still are ongoing, she has not perhaps accomplished what she should have, if she had been healthy. I initially got worried about that and I am getting a lot of flak for allowing both girls an extra year/s to get done, her illness has affected her twin far more than people could imagine so she has been struggling as well – but to me her health and our families well being is more important than graduating on a man made time table. When her illness started it caused me great stress worrying how we would get done – and I really had to come back to sense and see that life is a long journey of learning and if she misses the mark on a few things it is not important – what is important is that she is healthy enough to have a future life. So I plan this coming year, and I am aware there will likely be hospital visits and stays, likely be days when she cannot do what she would wish in the schoolwork department, and I hope I will just be able to let it go – nurture her health and her spirit and stay calm. We are so conditioned to following everyone like sheep, if we have to get off the path for a while, it is easy to worry and stress – this last year I hope that I remember to follow the path that God is laying out for us, and know that it is in the end His plan we are following, and I am not in control. Prayers for you and yours Cindy, I know how hard a crisis can hit a family – I wish you a blessed and peaceful year. Linda
Oh yes, there is the obedience issue! I was not skirting that. I was just isolating the point that what we so proudly trumpeted early on had, as it’s foundation, the secret (even to us) thought of, “God will provide, character is more important….but (and this is Satan’s whisper) we won’t need to worry about that because that’ll be someone else’s family; we’ll be perfect homeschoolers!” Maybe I’m just not explaining myself well today. My intention was to encourage some young moms that it’s true! God is caring for our children! As Christians, we want to do things in an excellent fashion, but I tended to think only in terms of excellence in the academics. Life happens and so you can surrender your homeschool and your children to Him who does all things well.
K, our requirements really kick in at the highschool level. Before that, we are required to show “sustained progress.” It became apparent to me that we were simply punishing my son and God has laid it on our hearts to promote him and allow the consequences to fall where they may. For instance, I am praying that at some point the thought will occur to him that, “Okay, I’m not allowed to go to _______ because my math is not done, because it took so long, because I do not know my multiplication facts….maybe I oughta buckle down and learn them…” That sort of thing.
God is showing me that there is ‘behind’ because we lack the discipline, then there is ‘behind’ because God has allowed circumstances that He wants to use to teach us greater lessons. I threw ya’ll a curve with the example of my son; it was just the one that stood out to me. The fact is, I was traveling a lot, caring for my sister, and so could not teach and help discipline at the time it was needed. So, yes there was blowing off, but there was also a lack of care on my part.
HI HEATHER!!! Thank you for your prayers. I’ll be praying for you, Linda. I know the health issues of a child can be all encompassing, which is hard because there are other children! We’ve done that and so I will truly be praying for you.
Love ya’ll,
Cindy
Thank you for helping me understand. And, yes, it’s hard to be consistant when we aren’t there. I apologize if my post came across wrong.
Part of the beauty of hsing is that we can make progress even in the midst of those struggles, plus be there together through them.
God is good!
K
Thanks Cindy, it is nice to see you posting again – God always has the plan, my task is to remember that and pass that wisdom to my children – hard when I don’t always do it myself. Sometimes also when a crisis hits a family it is so exhausting, that your mind just cannot do all it should, sometimes things just have to slide and we have to accept God’s Grace and mercy during those times. Things all work out in the end, I am convinced of that. Blessings – Linda
I just read this thread and want too say thank you for being transparent. I can see some stresses that I have that are no different from others and it is encouraging to me to stop and really take a long look at them.
I always treasure the openness and honesty here that I can relate to, learn from and lean on. My prayers are with you all. And yes, I also know of the struggle with a child and health issues. Know that you are not allone on that front. Misty
I could have written that too! Thank you for your openness. It’s a good reminder to all of us: long time homeschooler or newbie.
yep, many thanks:) We had a year that the locusts ate too, when my son snapped his femur and spent a year on drugs and rehab…crazy year! But the Lord is faithful and He will restore that which was taken, if we are faithful to keep up our side of the parenting and help them with accountability. Thats where my ds struggles- after needing care for so long he learned to abuse it a bit and now is learning some tough lessons with accountability and whats required of him are things he can do, if he will just do them. Its interesting but hard to watch the growth happen. Same thing with bringing a friends child in with us several days a week after her dh passed away unexpectedly. I believe ‘academically’ we lost most of the year, but would I trade that for what we gained? Not a chance. I would do it again, just as He asked me to this year, I know He is faithful beyond anything our society sees or measures! Thanks so much ladies:) you just reaffirmed what God has been affirming in my heart for months!
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