7yo attitude issues…please tell me this gets better!

Hugs and prayers.

I am dealing with a similar attitude with my 10YO DS. He seems to always have scrunched up eyebrows because he is irritated about something…and 90% of the time I have no idea why he is frustrated.

I don’t know how to help him.

This book just came highly recommended to me. I read this author’s previous book when my son was a toddler and really liked it. I’m trying to see if I can get it from the library before I spend money on it, but my friend who recommended it said it made a huge difference for her relationship with her kids.

http://www.amazon.com/Kids-Parents-Power-Struggles-Lifetime/dp/0060930438/ref=la_B000APXUTI_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1343339715&sr=1-2

It gets better!!

Same with my 10YO son but worse really. We have tried a lot of things, but I don’t think for him there is an easy answer. I do think when I praise him to the max I notice a change. And I really do try to do this with all of our DC, but I know I fall short on many days.

Around here, Daddy is always preferred. I have noticed since we began homeschooling this shift. I suppose a big part of it is they spend so much time with me and I am the one who has to remind them of chore duties (not always but when they need reminding I am the one here). Daddy does check in but not daily and he isn’t consistent.

I wish I had an answer, but I haven’t found it. I just have come to the conclusion we are in a season *hopefully*.

Lindsey, Pray for your child.  That is the best advice I can give.  Ask God to show you what needs to be done in the situation.  He really will.  This is the only truly effective method I have found.  This may be a behavior issue.  It may be a spiritual issue.  These situations are different for every child.  Sometimes they need more praise, sometimes they need more grace, sometimes they need more disciplining, etc.  It is so hard to give blanket advice because we don’t know you or your children, the dynamics of your family, or the things/people that are influencing them.

Some practical things we have done:

Polished Cornerstones – we started this with our 7 year old when she was showing some of these same behaviors.  (This was at the urging of our 22 year old daughter, because it had made such an impact on her when she was younger.)  It really did make a difference.  She started understanding that the things we were telling her were from God, not just from us, because she was seeing them for herself in the Bible.   And remember, Scripture is powerful.  It is living and active and sharper than a 2 edged sword!  It’s true.  I don’t understand how it works, but it does.

We constantly work on the way she answers people, especially her siblings.  If she has a snappy answer or yells at someone over nothing, I simply ask her, “Why are you speaking that way?”  And she immediately stops to think about it and generally says, “I don’t know.”  And I remind her that she needs to speak more gently.  I think some of this has just become habit, and we are treating it as such and working on it that way.  I always try to let her know that I have noticed when she speaks nicely.  

Each of the 5 youngest kids has a night when they come in our room for 15 minutes at bedtime.  We don’t do anything special.  Sometimes we read a book, just talk about whatever, show them a funny video we found online, or discuss their Polished Cornerstones.  I can’t really say why, but this has made a difference in our closeness with all the kids. 

And finally, cut out any tv or movies or books that promote this type of attitude between parents and kids.  And that means almost anything modern, I am sad to say.  We do watch and read things occasionally that are less than ideal, but they do not have a daily diet of it.  A whole lot of the “kids shows” promote this attitude and it’s best to avoid them completely.

Pray, Pray, Pray for them.  I know it feels like you’re doing nothing when you “just pray” but prayer is powerful.  Your kids are worth the effort.  

I’ve noticed that if my 7ds is around certain children he can get a similar attitude. I would think television shows could promote that too but we don’t let him watch mainstream cartoons and shows. Most of the children on these shows have horrible attitudes and parents are perceived as stupid.

But our main problem comes from a close in age family member who treats his mother bad and has a smart mouth. After being with him I sometimes have to check my son and remind him that we do not accept that.

Tara

I’ve also noticed that around 7 years old a different attitude can start to emerge; my 9-year-old is just pulling out of a tendency to complain and be negative. You’ve gotten some great advice, and there were a few other things I thought I’d mention.

– Habits – if I can pare the issue down to a few habits, sometimes it makes it seem a bit less overwhelming to deal with. It is very hard when the child is a moody or disobedient mess at some stages, but sometimes I find myself upset with a child a good deal of the time (and showing it) and know that it becomes a cycle that is hard to break. Pick the most compelling issue, and begin with that. For one of my guys at that age, the habit was one of complaining, while for another it was disobedience/laziness when asked to do something. You’ve likely read CM’s thoughts on this and perhaps Laying Down the Rails, and those thoughts helped me tremendously in disciplining not just my child, but myself to respond to each and every time the chosen issue reared its head. It required much more diligence on my part, but one at a time we’d see each issue dwindle and then could choose another – while maintaining discipline on the first.

– Our 25 Family Ways is a fantastic devotional by the Clarksons that’s helped us deal with many discipline/heart issues in a scriptural way that doesn’t single out one child, but can be done with the family and uses scripture to teach about how we interact as a family – we are grateful, we share, etc. Highly recommended as a 15-minute-per day devotional.

– Which brings me to the last thought – heart issues. You may be light years ahead of where I was, but in my earlier parenting (my oldest are almost 20 and 22), I looked very much at the outward behavior and tried hard (and often unsuccessfully!) to control it. My daughter, now a young woman, was an extremely willfull little girl and I can really identify with what you posted. With this younger group of kids (9-14) God has gently shown me that there’s a heart issue underlying the behavioral issue. What that means for me is lots of prayer for that child, for patience to deal with them as God would have me do, for wisdom to understand them and the way to best approach the issues, for God’s intervention in the child’s heart.

Ok, I lied, one more thought. I was also guilty of talk, talk, talking too much with my older kids about why I was asking them to do things, why they should be more grateful, etc, as if I could convince them. I am much more apt now to lay out the expectations for behavior and calmly give them a consequence if they choose to ignore the expectations – and to call it their choice, which it is. So ingratitude might result in fewer options or special things. Continual boredom and complaining about it might result in chores to “help keep you busy.” Poorly done chores with complaining might result in more, “for practice.”

Try not to take it personally, hard as it is (I am sorry, I feel for you, it is so hard sometimes!). They’re all little persons trying to figure out how to deal with that free will thing we were given, and we need to keep gently showing them the way as God keeps gently doing for us. You are doing a good job, faithful mama.

Blessings,

Aimee

WOW!!  I actually got on here to type almost the exact same post about my ds.  I feel so hopeless!  His attitude is awful!  Everything he says to me is completely disrespectful.  He’s even told me he hates me a couple of times.  He blames anything that he fails at on me too.  Honestly, it’s hard to even get out of bed in the morning because I know what awaits me.  I feel like I’ve tried everything I can think of to help this issue and if anything, things just seem to keep getting worse.  I haven’t read any of the other posts here yet.  I’m hoping that someone has some advice for you that will help me as well.  I also have a 5 year old who is starting to pick up this attitude as well.  I was afraid that would happen, and now it is.  He won’t listen, he throws fits, he refuses to do his chores during the allotted time.  I’m just really overwhelmed right now.  I ask myself (& my husband)everyday, what have I done to deserve this sort of treatment.  The last year has been difficult for us.  We’ve added a new baby which takes up more of my time and we’ve had a death in the family.  I know that both of those things are tough for the kids and I know they need more one on one time with me.  The thing is, I just don’t know how to work that in.  I feel like there’s nothing left to give after I’ve spent all day correcting attitudes, breaking up fights, and trying to make sure they are following through with their chores.  It’s exhausting!  And to make matters worse, I know my husband sees what I deal with, but he seems to have the attitude that he’s just going to ignore.  It’s SO frustrating when I feel like I have no one to turn to.  No one to say, “we’re going to get through this and figure this out together.”  So, all of this is to say I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH!  I wish I had some words of encouragement or some solution!  Hopefully someone else does!

Aimee