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6 yo refuses to do schoolwork
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Ugh! I am so frustrated I could scream! I have been dealing with this with my 6 yo son all year. When he is in the mood to do school work, we breeze through it easily. He is VERY bright and catches on to almost everything quite quickly, but any time I introduce something new, it’s an immediate tantrum. I try telling him when we end a lesson that the next day we will start learning about such and such and won’t that be fun/cool/interesting, hoping that some advanced notice will give him some time to get used to the idea that the next days lesson will be something new, but then I just end up with 2 tantrums instead of one. And if he doesn’t feel like doing his school work he sits there and cries and just keeps repeating that he doesn’t know how to do it, even when I KNOW he does, and he even proves it to me because I’ll set a timer and say okay you have 15 minutes to complete this otherwise you lose tv privilages, instead of it motivating him to do it, he just keeps crying. Then when the timer does go off and I say okay no tv, all of a sudden he’ll start blurting out the correct answer(s). I stick to my the consequences, so he knows I mean it by now. I just can’t understand why he won’t just do the work?? I don’t want to sit there and give him all the answers. I keep telling him it’s okay if you don’t know it but you need to at least try to figure it out, and he won’t. When he has trouble with a word, instead of looking at it and trying to sound it out, he just starts crying or whining saying he can’t and it’s too hard. I will even cover parts of the word for him to show him how to break it up and make it more managable, and if he’s in the mood to do school work, he’ll almost always get it right away. If he doesn’t want to do it, he won’t even look at it. just puts his head down and cries and says things like “oh, I’m never going to get this” I don’t know what else to do. I am really wondering if I should just send him to school, but then I think even if he does his work for the teacher, I’m still going to have to deal with homework. I am just at a loss.
April,
I hesistate to ask this, but how long has he been doing ‘sit down formal schooling’? If he has this reaction at 6 I’m guessing you started formal schooling before he was 6 and he’s simply burnt out from doing hard (for him) things for so long.
Regardless, you are where you are now, so give us a picture of the assignments you give to him for a day of school. What are you using curriculum wise if anything? How long ‘should’ it take if he sits and works calmly through for each subject? What I’m trying to get a picture of is how much sit down work you require of him in a day, both at a time and for the whole day together. Also, are the materials you are using reasonable in difficulty for him? He sounds like he’s feeling overwhelmed and so instead of trudging through he shuts down. Then you get upset and a power struggle ensues. (In case you are wondering I have TOTALLY been there before. Not proud of it.)
With a 6 year old school for the whole day should take less than 2 hours, with part of that being YOU reading aloud to him. It’s not even all sit down work for him. At least that is what I’ve found in my experience. Charlotte Mason advised short lessons and in these younger grades especially it is so essential for everyone’s sanity! Children are made to move, play, and explore, not sit down and work for hours.
((HUGS)) Don’t send him to school because it won’t solve the problem. Give us a good picture of what you’re asking him to do for a day’s work and I’m sure someone here will be able to help you troubleshoot ways to make it work. It may take backing up and starting the year over, in essence. We start our school year doing 1 subject or 2 for the whole day for a week. The next week we add 1-2 new subjects. Slow and steady until we’re finally up to full workload. You might need to do something like that, where you talk to your son about how the school year needs to start fresh, that it’s going to be EASY because there won’t be much to do in a day, and give him that fresh beginning.
I noticed you mention he is very bright. Just because a child “can” do 3rd or 4th grade work at age 6 doesn’t mean we should overload them with higher expectations. I have seven kiddos and my 4th is just now 5. He is definitely gifted. As in he looks over the shoulder of his 1st and 2nd grade siblings and does their work out loud before they can do it. He can read chapter books with no help, even the ones his 6th grade sister would do. BUT just because he can doesn’t mean emotionally or physically he’s ready to jump into a full sit down day of school. It’s a balance I’m still trying to work at my house, encouraging gifted areas while not pushing or pressuring. Giving him time to still just be the little boy he is.
I agree with Tristan.
But if you are looking for a practical way to handle one particular lesson, I can tell you what I would do.
Take the lesson that is scheduled for that day (one of the lessons you KNOW he will balk at) and reduce it drastically. If he is supposed to read one page, make it one sentence. Even just one word. And when he complies…does the work you expect (even though it is very little), praise him for his efforts. Make a big deal about how he did all of his work with no complaining. I would keep at this pace for a couple of weeks, and then gradually increase the amount of reading (or whatever lesson it is) until you start to see resistence. Then, back up a little, or stay there for a while.
My oldest can be this way at times, though she seems to be growing out of it. If I bring the amount of work expected down just within reach, she gains confidence and can quickly work up to the amount I ACTUALLY expect her to do. Perfectionist children seem to stare down hard work with a lot more self-doubt. “If it can’t be done perfectly the first time, I may as well not even try.” Give them one sentence to read, and suddenly, it doesn’t seem like too much. We operated this way while I taught her to read. Now, at 9, she reads fluently and voraciously. 🙂
Tristan – This is our first year doing sit down school work. Ideally what a basic school day should look like is:
~ read together as a family about 4 pages from a chapter book (usually I read, while they color because it’s the only way I can keep them all quiet)
~ we are using pathway readers. The 1st grade book and work book. The workbook has two pages/per story. One to practice new words and the other asks questions about the story. We usually work on learning the new words and do that worksheet one day. Then read the story and answer the questions the next. (if he wants to do it, he can get it done in 15-20 mins)
~phonics we are using phonics pathways. I usually have him work on reading one group of words/day after we review whatever phonics lesson (about 10 mins when I introduce something new, 5 mins when we are reviewing)
~ math we are using right start level B ~ which is 1st grade. If he has a hard time with the lesson, I don’t do more than 15 mins, and just pick up thre next day. If he’s enjoying it I do the whole lesson which isn’t usually more than 20 minutes.
~poetry, I just read whatever poem we are doing that week once
~ copy work is one line (typically 3-4 words/day)
That’s pretty much it. we rarely do math/science because it’s like every other day is such a fight. By the time we get reading,writing, and math done. I’m so frustrated it’s just best we don’t continue.
April,
I’m so sorry you’re having a difficult time with your son. I know we’ve all been there at some point, and there’s no way around it. It’s just something you have to go through.
My suggestion may surprise you, but I’m going to give it anyway. I would probably stop formal lessons altogether for a period of time to allow you and your son to decompress. It’s obvious this is a stressful time for both of you, and you both probably go into it with the expectation that it’s going to be a fight. Not saying you do this purposefully, but it may be sub-conscious. Sometimes it’s helpful to step away, re-group, maybe think through some of your curriculum choices to see if they are the problem, and start over. This should be an enjoyable experience for both of you. Challenging, yes; but completely miserable, NO.
If your 6yo is still throwing tantrums, it sounds as if his maturity level isn’t quite ready for formal lessons. Please don’t take that offensively; I did not mean it that way. But all of our children mature at different rates, and it’s proven that boys mature more slowly than most girls. I know our son would have failed in public school if we had stuck him in first grade at the age of 6; his emotional maturity would not have been able to cope with the pressures. Perhaps your son’s emotional maturity is just not coping well with this new thing you’re calling “school”.
As far as the load you’re giving him, here’s where I see you could scale back:
–We have used the Pathway readers from the beginning, but never the workbooks. Instead, I have the child read aloud to me, then narrate what he/she remembers from the story afterward. Takes 10 minutes and it’s done.
–Your son is 6, but I see that you’re using many 1st grade materials with him, such as the math. Obviously I don’t know what level he’s on, but is it possible that the math is too difficult for him? Have you already done level A with him? I am not familiar w/ Right Start; we use MathUSee. Even at 6, I started my children in the very simplest book, Primer.
–For poetry, could you encourage him to start reciting it w/ you? This can add a fun aspect to your day.
–I noticed there aren’t many “extras” such as crafts or picture study. These can be wonderful ways to add interest and fun to your school day and can be scheduled in between the more rigorous subjects to provide respite from hard work.
–Is there something he’s interested in that you could begin studying, as sort of a student-led approach? Bugs, snakes, sharks, space, whatever. That could be incentive for him to complete his other subjects if he knows that something he loves is coming up. Even grabbing a bunch of library books on the subject and offering one book a day as a reward for completing his other work might be an option.
Personally, my gut feeling is that you both need a break. Schedule some field trips, spend time reading on the couch, let him help you in the kitchen or around the house, explore outside–these are all educational, but not necessarily “formal”. After a few weeks off, you might both be ready to continue the formal lessons.
Hope this helps,
Lindsey
Lindsey gave you good advice. A break could be great. My only caveat – don’t make it a media filled one. That is one thing I noticed early on with my 2nd child, if he has had dvds to watch, video games to play, and other electronic entertainment (ipod games, computer games, etc) during a school break his enthusiasm and motivation are gone. Several years ago we cut out video games to just one day per week, all of 20 minnutes and it made a big difference. We often go ‘no media’ when we’re doing a week or so off school.
What does he like to do? Would he enjoy playing board games with you, crafts, time outside, using a microscope or binoculars to explore, etc? Have some of that in his day, a different thing each day.
Another idea to try is to plan a 15 minute break between every single subject. And tell him! Say, we will get our pathway reader done and then it’s break time until the timer beeps. Then we will do our math. When it’s done we’ll set the timer for another break. and so on… If he sees a very short amount of work before him with a real break it may help. Every kids is different so you’ll probably have to try several different things to find what works best for him!
April, I’m still a newbie myself but have found success with a picture chart of our daily schedule (with words under picture). They show what’s next for our day or any day of the week. They take turns taking the completed subject off and putting it in the basket. It shows progress for them too. It’s worked so well that I even scheduled some of our evenings so they know what to expect. This sounds very controlling but there are plenty of free play times. I don’t know how to upload a pic but send me a pm with your email if you’d like to see a picture of our schedule. We’ve taken a couple weeks to re-group a few times this year. We strengthen our bond and lightly head into our more relaxed roles.
Thanks Lindsay! We do do those extra activities. Painting, drawing, etc. but I didn’t include them because I just have a wide variety of things for them to do craft/art wise and they do them throughout the day during their free time and I just give guidance as I see it’s needed…like if they are holding scissors incorrectly, but I mostly just stay out of the way. We also actually do do “science” although I don’t know that CM would approve of my method…Our science lesson is watching turtleman, gator boys, and swamp people. lol he often breaks out on of the many animal books we have and searches for whatever new animal he is interested in and asks me or hubby to read about it to him. I may go ahead and put the workbooks away as I was mostly just using them for handwriting practice. We started out with First Steps and just started Days Go By. He is very much like me and has an anxious personality, so he probably is easily overwhelmed like I am.he had been doing well. Now that you mention it maye the introduction of the workbooks was just too much.
It sounds like you may have a budding perfectionist, one who has fear of failure. I am like this and have to tell myself I need to allow my learning mistakes and that I worship the Perfect One who wants my best even with its failures. One of my children has this tendency too, so we remind one another the following verses:
2 Corinthians 3:4-5
4 And such trust have we through Christ to God-ward:
5 Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think any thing as of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God;
2 Corinthians 4:7-9
7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.
8 We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;
9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed
And I love how the Lord Jesus pulled Peter out of the water after Peter stepped out of the boat in faith yet started his doubting in Matthew 14:22-33. Peter gave it a try and the Lord caught him regardless of Peter’s failure to trust.
Psalm 116:8
8 For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
John 16:33
These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer [courage]; I have overcome the world.
Ok, I agree that it sounds like it is too much for him at this point. If it was a once in a while thing, I’d say it was a heart issue…. but as it is very often, and with what you say he is saying – the tantrums are his way of expressing the stress he is feeling. He has no other way to let you know.
I definitely think he is likely a perfectionist. My son was/is, and when he was young, he would “shut down” during his violin lesson. He didn’t have a tantrum, but would just sit down on the floor and spin around instead of doing what he was supposed to. (Believe me, we left a lot of violin lessons with me hiding tears.) It sounds to me like he is shutting down in his own way.
You have to watch how you talk to a perfectionist. They think that the “world will end”, so to speak, if they get something wrong. They are putting so much stress on themselves they are tied up in knots. And our tendancy is to say “I know you can do this.” So they hear “Mom expects me to do this perfectly, and she is going to be disappointed when I get it wrong…” You need to praise the effort, not the results. “Wow, you worked really hard on this”, not “See, you got it right, I knew you could”.
For now, cut things way down. A few minutes (5?) of reading instruction. 5 minutes or copywork (just a word, or a few letters – whatever you are working on). 15-20 minutes of math, if that is going well. (We use RS too, and I know that Level B is a starter level. Watch out when you get near lesson 68ish – a lot of kids have problems there, expect to camp out on games for a while!) And then read from a book, and possibly have him narrate (this is a hard skill too – you might want to hold off). Add in lots of time outside, nature study, etc. But notice that I’m only suggesting about 30 minutes of “sit down” work, with another 10 minutes of you reading to him. For a couple of weeks, I’d do review things. So for math, do math games with skills he already is good at. (not sure where in RS B you are – this might be memory with number cards and dot cards – or maybe things like “go to the dump”) For writing, easy words for him. For reading instruction – review sounds he already knows, or words he knows. Praise the EFFORT.
hth!
April,
We are only 6 months into our HS journey but my son is 6yo (turned 6 in Dec). This is our schedule and how “most” of our days go.
Math – Rightstart Level A
Handwriting – Delightful Handwriting
Bible – Bible Study Guide for All Ages (beginner).
Read Alouds – Aesop Fables, Bible, picture books
I tried reading lessons several months ago but he was just not ready so I backed off. Our schedule takes about 45 mintues at the most each day. Most days we do a math lesson and he goes and plays. Then we do handwriting and he goes and plays, etc. Other things my boys like doing is helping me with chores around the house so some days that is school. Also, some days are just painting or playing games. Next December I will add in more subjects and reading lessons. Blessings as you find what works for your son.
Carolyn
My dd#3 (now 9) will totally melt down if she thinks she can’t do something even if she does know how to do it. I have to #1)not react to her and #2)break the problem into tiny pieces until she starts to see that she indeed does know how to do it. Now her meltdowns seem like an attitude issue. But after many, many times I finally realized she does it when she feels stuck.
Now there are times when she just doesn’t want to quit playing to do school and we have to deal with that attitude issue. But if we are going along fine and she starts to melt down it is usually the prior reason.
Thanks so much for all of your feedback! he is definitely a perfectionist just like his mommy! Lol. I will definitely be keeping all your suggestions in mind and step back a bit. Thanks again!
@April, can I asked if you found a way to deal with the situation? I am at the same point right now with my 6 DS. Some days we just do school and other days he kicks and screams and throws tantrum and says he hates school and wants to go back to PS (he was there in K). I have a DD 8 who I homeschool for the second year now and she loves it. Although my son turns 7 in a few month I know he has A LOT OF maturity issues. So I do think the resentment of school is a maturity thing. He says if he goes back to PS he can play all the time (thinking of Kindergarten) and of course he doesn’t realize 1st Grade is nothing like K anymore. So anyways, was wondering if you found something that works for you and your son.
Blessings Christine
I don’t have any great solutions for you different from above, but can sympathize.
When my son was 3, he went to a preschool (even though we planned to homeschool… we had a new baby and my dh was a long-haul truck driver – so it seemed like a good idea.) He enjoyed his first year in preschool (it was a small class of maybe 8, there happened to be a male teacher (as well as a couple of female) – and they did a LOT of outdoor stuff – I drove further to get him in this particula preschool
The next year we put him in the same preschool – and he hated it. There was about 15 kids, and all female teachers. He started whining about going, so I took him out after a couple of months.
Then, a couple of years later and Grade 1 – and he is asking when he can go to “real school”. It probably didn’t help that his nephew was the same age and in school…. His picture of school was formed by his first year of preschool (he didn’t remember the 2nd, when he hated it) – and TV shows that are designed to make kids “ready” to go to school. He pictured fun and games and toys that aren’t at home, etc.
A few things I did… First I cut out the worst of the shows for showing a fun school (like “Timothy Goes to School”). I kept our school short – and I did a “propaganda” campaign. We would go to the Y in the middle of the day – and at some point while he was having fun I’d mention the “kids at school sitting at their desk writing”. We’d go to the nearby playground (at the school) at about recess time…. then the bell would ring and all the kids would have to go back inside to sit at desks, while we continued to play…..
It really wasn’t until he was about 8. His nephew wasn’t enjoying school anymore, but Delta was still sometimes complaining about schoolwork. (not constant or anything.) And All of us were in the car (Delta, Zulu (his nephew), Bravo (adult sister and Zulu’s mom)) – and we were mentioing school – and Bravo described Zulu’s standard day – with Zulu agreeing. At that time, Bravo and Zulu would get up quite early to take Yankee on a long bus ride to her daycare, then the bus to his school. Zulu described the day at school, with the various subjects, etc. Bravo and I even discussed Delta staying over one night and doing a day at Zulu’s school (she was sure we could arrange it with the school – apparently someone else had their homeschool child do a “field trip” the previous year….) but we never did that. (I wouldn’t recommend that in grade 1 anyway, as grade 1 is still a little fun….)
Anyway – it will just take some time. Consider the “propaganda” manouvers I did…
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