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5yo with "accidents"
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My 5yo daughter has been potty trained since she was 2-1/2. Ever since she has had trouble with having small “accidents”. It’s not really a full accident, but her underwear are wet. She goes through cycles and sometimes she will have to change her underwear 7-8 times a day, other times it will be a few days.
She does not wet the bed, and this happens most frequently at home, although lately it has occurred twice at church.
I am concerned. I kept thinking she will grow out of it. It hasnt seemed to get better at all.
When I ask her about it she insists she doesn’t feel it. Sometimes she will not even notice until I spot the damp spot and ask. She is so used to it that if she does realize it she just goes upstairs and changes. She doesn’t even mention it to me most of the time.
I has tried ignoring it, letting her handle it. I’ve tried talking and reminding frequently.
My husband is fed up with it I think and tonight he punished her and wants her punished every time it happens from now on.
The last time we tried punishing her she just started hiding her wet clothes.
I am at a loss. I don’t feel this is a purposeful action. She seems distressed by it when questioned. She insists she does not feel the urge to go.
If any of you have dealt with this do you have any advice? I really don’t want to punish her for it. My husband thinks she is being lazy but she is not a lazy child. I don’t want to talk to him without an alternative plan.
Thanks,
Tara
Tara, My daughter is seven and we still deal with this from time to time. I have had points where I am at a total loss about it too. All of these issues started when my dd was 5yrs. after several years of being potty trained. For us it is both Wet and sometimes BM. This is not all the time, but when we go through a time of it, it is very hard for me to not get frustrated. I have had to learn to be extremely patient with my dd during these times. At first, I would get very irritated and it began to make her hide it from me. I too would rather my dd be honest and tell me without fear of punishment than hiding it. Our rule now: If she tries to hide it or lies about it when asked, she does get in trouble. If she comes and tells us than she does not.
We have tried everything we can think of, including going to the doctor. (That wasn’t very helpful
) Their answer was Laxatives!!! One thing that has helped some: I have a green drink that is very good for bowel health and when she has several BM “accidents” I have her drink it for several days. She doesn’t particularly love it, but she tolerates it. This helps me because I know that her “consequence” for accidents is healthy for her. It also makes me feel that they truely are accidents, because she knows that she will have to drink it when she has an accident. How is your daughters diet??? I am wondering if it is diet related??? I have recently been doing some things to really clean up our eating habits and I’m hoping this will help. The problem does seem to be getting less and less as she gets older, but if there is anyone else out there with advice on this, I would love to know too!!!
My daughter is now 12 years old and I will tell you that she had a similar problem for years. She also dealt with bed wetting. We tried everything to help. My husband also thought that she should be punished but I continued to argue with him about that. As much as I choose to honor my husband and his choices, I could not stand by him on that decision. She was so embarassed and didn’t want peolpe to know. I just knew, as a mom does, that this wasn’t intentional. The problem during the day stopped by the time she was 9 or 10, but the bed wetting went almost until 12 yeras old (just about a year ago now). Both problems lessened and eventually went away, it was a gradual process.
I wish I could offer you some advice. The only thing that actually helped was a medication. Once I learned about the possible side effects and danger, we stopped immediately, so I can’t recommend that. I would just say encouragement and patience are what she needs. Unfortunately, it is frustrating for parents. Perhaps your husband could benefit from seeing the stories of others who’ve dealt with it. If it continues as she gets older, it will most likely be more embarassing for her and create a social problem. My daughter was well aware that it wasn’t normal. This is a reason that she really needs encouragement and understanding. Also, I just explained to my husband that I needed him to respect my opinion in this matter and that I’d take care of the laundry and issues that it caused but that I couldn’t participate in punishing her for this problem. Although it came up several times over the years, he did usually respect my wishes in this matter.
I forgot to mention, our doctor referred to it as a “spastic bladder.” I’m not sure that is a normal term or if that’s just how he described it to us. He said she’d out grow it eventually but that we really couldn’t do anything.
The only thing I wonder now, is if some kiegel (sp?) exercises (like after pregnancy) would help. I never thought of that when she was younger and I don’t know how you’d explain those to a child but it might be worth a try.
The way to have a child practice Kiegal exercises is to have them, while going to the bathroom, start and stop the flow with their muscles…. I think it is explained as a donut muscle…. I’m not sure how easy it is for them to get it the first few times….
One of our sons also had this problem. It seemed to develop after he had heart surgery, so I thought it was related to that — several doctors told me it had nothing to do with it. Really I feel as if we tried everything, including having him wash out his clothes after it happened. I hugely regret that I ever treated the problem with anything except understanding and encouragement. He didn’t like it any better than I did and I now realize that he wasn’t doing it deliberately. That’s really the only advice I have for you. It’s an embarassing problem and a quick fix would be great, but in his case he did eventually outgrow it, although he seems to have very little bladder capacity so it may just be a genetic thing.
Jeaninpa, would you or would you not recommend the child cleaning him/herself up? We are struggling through potty training with my 4yo DS and as frustrating as it is (very!) I’d like to learn from those who have been down this road before me. I thought most children were potty trained by 3yo so my frustration has been mounting as he gets older and have been feeling like we’re big failures. This thread has been very helpful just in making me sort of try to relax. I hope you find answers to your specific situation, Tara!
Dana
In our case our son had a similar problem. It was solved by our chiropractor. He adjusted his pelvis and it stopped. He said that it was pushing against the bladder making it happen. For a few months he did this at every visit,we go twice a month. Then his muscles got smart and started keeping it in alignment but since then we have never had that problem.
Does she get absorbed in what’s she’s doing when and just doesn’t notice she needs to go? My son was like that potty training, it took him awhile. Much, much longer than I wanted! He’d get focused on whatever he was playing with and not recognize his body’s signals until it was too late. He was 4 before things finally seemed to “click”. At 5 he was able to recongnize that he needed to go, but didn’t want to stop playing (or whatever else he was doing). When I’d ask he’d say things like, “Going potty takes to much time” and “I don’t want to miss anything!” and “If I go, someone will get my toy” etc. There was a difference between his not recognizing it and ignoring it to do something else. If it clearly distresses her and she’s not doing it on purpose (I’ve known other children who do that) then I’d not punish her for the accidents either and do what you and NJcountrygal said, discipline for hiding it or lying about it.
I had to remind my son often to use the bathroom. I felt like a human timer and often wondered if he’d EVER be able to manage this on his own without mom reminding! And yes, he does now. We still have occaonial problems bed wetting at night, at least she isn’t doing that (small consolation, I know). I would try having regular “bathroom breaks” during the day for the time being, and see if a regular emptying of her bladder might help, maybe she’s just not sensing her bladder is full. I think it takes awhile sometimes before children develop full bladder control, I don’t really know why either. I’d espeically make sure that she has time to go to the bathroom before she gets into the car and if possible again when you get to where you are going, store, church etc. My mom had a regular routinue, before we’d go anywhere everyone had to use the bathroom first (whether they felt they had to or not) and I’ve adopted it! I actually still do it for myself, (had to during pregnancy!) it’s awfully handy not to have to find a bathroom when shopping. We’re to the point now that the potty break before leaving the house generally does the trick for everyone unless we are gone a long time.
Dana – it will get better! A little patience goes a long way with potty training. Looking back I wish I had more with myself (what am I doing wrong?!) and with him (why isn’t this working?!)
tonyam196 – Does your chiropractor treat your whole family? I know very little about chiropractors, guess I should check into it!
Just wanted to chime in and agree with morgrace about patience – with yourself and your child – with potty training. My oldest was well past 4 before she was consistently dry, and even now at 6 has occasional accidents (very occasional) particularly during times of stress and transition. I often felt like a failure too and we were both very frustrated for a long time….letting go and not making a big deal out of it finally helped. I’d just say “oops, we need to get that cleaned up” and we’d do that together and move on. I was much more laid back with ds and overall things have gone better. He is almost 4 now and still has accidents from time-to-time too. (Actually had one at church last week – first time visiting a new one – which was embarrassing, but thankfully they were very gracious about it!) All that to say, you’re not the only one with a 4yo who still wets sometimes! Hang in there…it will get better!
Jen
Dana, don’t worry so much about your son being 4 & still working on it. Age 3 is just a number, and boys often take longer than girls to get to that ‘finish line’ of being completely trained.
If it’s any consolation to anybody, my son was not trained for #1 until he was 4, and #2 didn’t come until he was a couple of months past 5! (Of course, he is mildly autistic & they often have potty training issues…..but still, you can all look at your sons & say, “Well, at least it’s not taking you that long!” LOL)
Thank you so much ladies! I talked with my husband after church today and he agreed we wouldn’t punish her. Then he took her on his lap and reassured her. She had another accident at church today even though I even interrupted her Sunday School class and sent her to the potty. I think I may work with her a bit on making sure she voids all the way. She often rushes. I am also thinking of maybe buying her a watch with a timer and we can set it to go off frequently to remind her to try. I really feel like she needs to be in control of this to avoid embarrassment.
I am hesitant about a doctor just yet. I think I will explore our options and see if we can find a system or a reason. She was very upset last night and even asked God to help her during her nighttime prayers. My son has bed wetting issues and I want to treat this the same way I do that – matter of fact, it will go away one day, and no teasing from anyone. I also feel that letting her be in charge of it lets her keep her dignity.
Good luck all you ladies with potty training. My son was 3-1/2. Nothing worked. I was pregnant with my 3rd child and didn’t want 3 in diapers. Finally, right before I had the baby, one day he walks downstairs naked and said “where’s my underwear? I’m not wearing diapers anymore.” and that was that. He is 7 and still occasionally wets the bed though. He is a deep sleeper.
Our dd did this a lot when she was five too. Maybe it’s a common developmental milestone for that age?? I wasn’t concerned because I knew she wasn’t doing it on purpose. More often than not, she would be so busy playing or engaged in an activity that she would simply force herself to hold it so she didn’t have to interrupt playtime. Then a little would dribble out, and it would remind her that she needed to go right then. Doing this several times a day made for nothing more than very smelly undies. When I discovered the issue (she didn’t tell me about it until her panties were uncomfortably wet), I made sure to tell her that it was ok but that she always needed to listen to her body and go as soon as she felt like she needed to. I explained the possible dangers of holding it, bladder infection, yeast infection, etc. And I also had her smell her own undies so that she knew how unpleasant it was. It took a couple of months, but she finally figured it out.
Our ds also goes through phases where he gets BM in his undies and has to change them a couple times a day. He usually changes them on his own, but I will occasionally smell him. He is 8 now, and at a stage where he seems unconcerned about his own hygiene. Daddy is helping us out on this one. His is also laziness. He gets to playing or whatever and forces himself to hold it until it starts coming out. It’s gross, I’ll admit, but I guess pretty normal since so many of us have had this issue.
The only other suggestion I have is to make sure she doesn’t have a UTI or kidney infection. Urine will sometimes leak out even if there is a minor infection. When I was a little girl, I had UTIs a lot. Everyone says little girls only get UTIs if they’re sexually abused, but this is untrue. I was never abused as a girl and still got them all the time. My childhood diet of white bread, sugar, and processed foods probably had a lot to do with it. Anyway, that’s my experience. I am glad your husband agreed not to punish her. I think that drawing attention to problems like these can often exacerbate them, when simply turning a blind eye and allowing the child to figure it out for herself can be the simplest solution.
@Dana, PLEASE don’t worry about your son’s age as someone else said. I made so many mistakes with son#1 and potty-training. I think if I had relaxed some, he would have trained faster. He was 4.5 btw before I could really relax about him being in a class at church w/out worrying about an accident.
I am not saying you are not relaxed, but I worried way too much myself. I did find a reward chart very helpful once our son reached four. What I did was just take a sharpie and ruler and make a grid chart. With each completed line, he got to pick one of his “Prizes” (e.g. pack of gum, trip out with Dad for ice cream cone, etc.). I’m not big on rewards but it really did motivate him.
Once he completed the whole chart *It had about 50 squares total*, we went for a trip to Chuck E Cheese, which is extremly RARE here. I have to say once the chart was done, he had truly turned the corner. I think more than anything it boosted his confidence.
@Tara, I really would look into bladder spasms if I were you. One of our sons had this in 1st grade and we did end up seeing a ped. urologist. We were fortunate in that he was NOT into medication as a first resort, but instead he explained to us that our son had probably always never really fully voided and so his bladder had become spastic. So, he had us doing a very STRICT regiment of having DS go every 2 hours on the dot (whether he felt an urge or not). In a very short time, we noticed a considerable difference and within a few months, he was no longer having the spasms.
HTH
) Their answer was Laxatives!!! One thing that has helped some: I have a green drink that is very good for bowel health and when she has several BM “accidents” I have her drink it for several days. She doesn’t particularly love it, but she tolerates it. This helps me because I know that her “consequence” for accidents is healthy for her. It also makes me feel that they truely are accidents, because she knows that she will have to drink it when she has an accident. How is your daughters diet??? I am wondering if it is diet related??? I have recently been doing some things to really clean up our eating habits and I’m hoping this will help. 
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