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4 YO & 6 YO constantly fighting
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My 4 YO and 6 YO DS’s constantly fight. This has moved beyond bickering to outright fighting, deliberate unkindness, hitting, etc. They were getting along ok for a bit this morning and I let them go play outside in the sandbox, and within FIVE SECONDS they were fighting over a toy. I have tried everything I can think of to convince them to get along better…a nickel jar and they lose nickels for being unkind, a nickel jar and the only way they can earn nickels is by being kind, making them sit and do nothing when they bicker, taking whatever they fight about away, and more. They generally get along ok with their younger brother and older sister, but for some reason they are like cats and dogs with each other. The only solution I can think of is just not allowing them to play together at all for a very long time. What else can I do to help them get along??
I suspect they push each other’s buttons and don’t yet have the skills to navigate that level of frustration with appropriate self control. I may be wrong – but I do have two who were like that around those ages.
I significantly restricted the time they were able to play or be alone together by nature of our schedule; not as a punishment. Whenever they had free time they would have to choose things not in the same room as one another.
Then I was very deliberate about teaching those needed skills with a “try again” after proper modeling. If one child snatched a LEGO out of another’s hands resulting in chaos and a quest for blood – I would say to the first child “if you want something another person has you must ask and wait.” Then they would be required to practice. I would say to the second child “if someone snatches something from you you may say I had that first give it back or you may ask a grown up for help.” Then they would practice.
Obviously very labor intensive which I why the time they could be together without me sitting and playing right with them was very limited. Each negative interaction was modeled correctly and practiced. Punishments were not given unless attitude at trying again was disobedient or disrespectful.
I also used puppets to role play skills I needed them to learn on a nearly daily basis (5-10 mins and I called it character education). And I would point out (kindly and not within ear shot) whenever I saw other children acting in disagreeable manner. They seemed shocked that they actually behaved like these children we saw while out in the community (or sometimes on a TV show – but we restrict this a lot in our home).
Either way – best of luck. That is difficult to live with and find peace.
Along with reinforcing the basics of kindness, etc. I also find it’s helpful to make sure they spend time apart. We have daily quiet time each day when the kids are in separate rooms and must read/play quietly. If there is a lot of bickering going on, I will insist on separate spaces for a spell. I also make a point of telling them that since they can’t get along they won’t be allowed to play together for awhile. The minute I say they aren’t allowed to play with each other, that’s of course the thing they want most. Sneaky, mom! LOL
Another thing that is helpful is making sure they have some direction. My kids tend to tire of each other and start arguing when they have unlimited free time. Providing a craft or a game to play, especially if you are able to join in, is often enough to break the strain that may be going on between them.
The other thing I have done is given them a chore to work on together. If they do the chore peacefully, they can resume playing. If they bicker through it, they get another chore.
Best of luck!!
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