12 YO and serious focus issues

I could have written this post 6 years ago.  My 19yod was so much like that.  For years I kept thinking to myself that something isn’t firing right in her brain.  Then I read a book called “Understanding Girls with ADHD”.  I started reading it for my 8yod. LOL!!!  What I found was my eldest child in the pages of the book.  My husband and I decided to have her tested by an educational psychologist.  Not only did she have Inattentive ADD but she also has slow processing, now considered a learning disability.  That opened up a whole lot of understanding for me and all the years I witnessed so much of what you described.  The best thing I learned was that kids with ADHD/ADD are about 2 years behind in maturity than their peers.  When you add in my daughters slow processing, she’s about 3 years behind.  And her behavior and such matches that now.

You might want to consider that you could be looking at a learning disability here.  I thought some children were just lazy.  I no longer believe that.  I was a middle school teacher and saw it in several students. Looking back at what I know now, I don’t think they were lazy.  I think they were misunderstood.  Same with my daughter.

So my encouragement to you might be to consider having her tested for a learning disability and/or ADD.  My daughter opted not to go the medication route.  Her father wishes she would but she adamant that she doesn’t want to be on the drugs.  We’re trying some natural things right now.

And let me also encourage you, be gentle with her.  I am not saying overlook disobedience or anything like that.  Not watching a 2yod can be pretty serious and she must understand the ramifications of her actions.  My daughter has felt her fair share of consequences for things she perhaps couldn’t help.  She will be living in a world that expect her to keep up.  But I wasn’t always gentle with her and greatly regret that.  My daughter needed so much patience and gentleness.  She’s dealing with anxiety and depression.  She’s honestly so worried about disappointing me.  And oh my goodness, the perfectionism she carries with her.  I have had to learn how to approach her failure gently.  I wish I could go back and do it over again with her.

I will also encourage you, they do learn it.  But it is going to require micromanaging.  There is another book called “Bright Kids Who Can’t Keep Up”.  That has been very helpful in showing how she needs more support than her sibs.  (I am also seeing my 8yod in this.  It’s hereditary.  I also have a daughter with dyslexia.  We ventured into the learning disabilities about 2 years ago.  It’s been a whirlwind after 14 years of homeschooling.)

In the meantime, keep up the executive functioning stuff you’ve been doing.  Yes, you will have to micromanage her.  She’s still really a child.  And yes, it’s exhausting.  I really do believe there will come a day when she will pull you aside and say thank you.  Children’s brains are not fully former until age 21yod.  And there is lots of stuff in-between that time that can effect brain function:  food sensitivities, brain fog, hormones.  Has she started her period?  It is part of parenting and sometimes God gives us those precious little ones who need more from us.  Special needs children do. . .and what you describe sounds so much like my special needs daughter.

A few practical ideas. . . .

1.  make sure there are very clear expectations with her.  We discovered that we were setting up unexplained expectations for our daughter.  She was confused when she wasn’t meeting them because she didn’t know them.

2.  Does she has a routine to her day?  My daughter, whether she likes it or not, thrives better on a regular schedule in her day.  When I stopped dictating her school day, things really went down hill.  And it’s one of those things we missed until closer to graduation when she was behind on things.  Routines can help build the habits she needs to succeed.

3.  Make sure you do stay on top of her work.  All of my kids start working independently around 12yod.  But I have to make sure that I am very thorough in checking my daughters and her 13yod brother’s work.  These are my ADHD kids so follow through is VERY hard for them.  And yes, they have decided at times that it wasn’t fun to do, so they didn’t, and they’ve missed families moves and such.  I cut my daughters assignments in half so she could finish in a timely manner.  She was still learning.  I also cut her chores in half.  She only cleans the bathroom on Saturday morning where as everyone else might have 2-3 jobs.  That might not seem fair but my other children finish their 2-3 jobs before she does.  And she’s thorough so I know she’s not goofing off.  She just honestly cannot work quickly.  She often closes down the store that she works at right now and gets out about 30 later than she scheduled to.

4.  Research executive functions (if you haven’t already) and see if you can find ways to help her start learning about them and how to work around them.

5.  Habits!!!  This is very CM and one that I am returning to this year with my 13yod.  He has lots of bad habits.  I am not looking forward to the training we will be doing this year.  BUT if I work with him and stick with it, it will reap rewards.  I am even trying to build habits in myself where I exhibit a lack of follow through or appear to be lazy when hormones shifts in my cycle are killing me.  (I suspect some of my daughters issues are also my own.)

6.  give her lots of love.  It so easy to be irritated with them when they are keeping up.  This was so me!!!!  So much has changed in the past year for me though.  I am a much gentler mother than I was.  I am also more patient.  I had to learn what hill to die on.  I had to learn that when she messed up, it wasn’t the end of the world.

Take heart.  I see my daughter emerging from some of this.  But I do understand the frustration.  She is actually gone from our house this week working at a summer camp.  I can’t tell you the weight off my shoulders having her gone.  I feel horrible for thinking and saying it but it’s true.  It’s draining. Sometimes it’s just life sucking.  But I am learning more about God’s grace right now than I ever have and I am grateful for that.  Not only that, but my daughter is pretty awesome (when I can make myself look past the frustrations).  I MUST keep that ever before me.

I apologize for the length.  My heart just sank as I read your post knowing that I have been in your shoes.  Please do consider the possibly of a learning disability.  If will save lots of heartache for both of you.  Not necessarily the challenge that can come with it but the relationship.  But also, don’t give up on gentle discipline and working on habits.  You can do this.  🙂  Please feel free to email me if you’d like.  I haven’t met many people who have children like my girl.  Sometimes it’s just nice to bounce things off other people.  And I would love to be an encouragement to you as you go along this path with your daughter.  These girls are precious but they are hard to deal with sometimes.  And sometimes we moms just need someone to say “yep, I get it. . .and I’m not sure I have answers right now either.”

In His Grace,

Karen

I was going to also suggest researching executive functioning delay. I heard an amazing speaker at our homeschool conference talk about it and WOW!!

One thing she suggested is completed pictures NOT lists. Kids who have this delay need to see it to know what the goal is. She said have pictures all over of a completed task. So kitchen would be a picture of a  completely clean and tidy kitchen hanging in full view so there is no question about what needs to be done. Do this for everything from bedrooms to what they need to wear when leaving the house. Complete with appropriate shoes and coat in winter and change it for season and occasion. Put it by the door so they check it and are ready to walk out the door.

She also talked about use of a regular clock with hands. Kids need to see time passing and start learning how long things take. With a digital clock time disappears but they don’t understand where it goes. She even suggested using a marker on a the plastic of the clock so that you can show start time, estimate finish time and half way through so they can check their progress.

Any way… It was fascinating and I learned so much! Her name is Tara Roehl but I can’t remember her business web page.

My 9yo son has ADHD/mild autism so I understand your struggles.

I am at the point where I realize we may need professional help, like counseling.

I realize help is expensive but your daughter may need something more, like meds or counseling, I’ve seen summer camps that help kids learn functioning skills.

You may even want to think about public schools so your kids could receive services for learning disabilities.

The preteen years sure are frustrating! This kind of absentmindedness is really quite normal at that age. In the first few years of puberty, the part of the brain that governs executive functions literally unravels as it remodels into the adult version.

Once I asked our daughter when she was 11 or so to go get me some water. She said, “Yes, Mama!” and jumped up to go get it. A few minutes later, she came back without it. I asked her again — same thing. And again. Finally the fourth time, I lost it. I said, “Could you PLEASE go get me some water to take my medicine with???” She said, “I am glad to help you. You don’t have to be harsh!!” Folks, she had no clue that was the fourth time I’d asked her!

My husband and I are parenting authors and speakers and we’ve done a lot of research on this stage because it is probably the age we are asked most often about and there’s very little information out there. Here are some of the things you might see in a child dealing with the hormonal changes of early puberty:

• Emotional meltdowns, tears and anger especially
• Distraction and absent-mindedness, school sometimes falls apart
• Increase in ability to analyze and make connections
• Desire to be seen as an adult
• Spiritual questions and doubts

It’s a challenging time to parent and to teach. It’s critical to protect your relationship because many parent-child relationships are broken during this age. When they are, the teen years tend to get worse and worse. If you can get through these years with your relationship intact, though, the teen years tend to get better and better.

So, how do you get any schoolwork done at this age? Supervise them more (even though they didn’t need it a couple of years ago). Incorporate their passions and interests into their lessons. Be patient. Use rewards, timing, and incentives to help them focus. Praise them whenever you are able, even if you can only find small things, because they can easily lose their academic confidence at this age.

Our biggest goals of the preteen years have been to preserve academic confidence and the love of learning, protect your relationship, and answer their spiritual doubts. That’s paid off in the teens and the twenties.

I know this is hard! It is SO frustrating and annoying. It doesn’t last forever, though, especially if you handle it with love and mercy.

We have a new book called No Longer Little: Parenting Tweens with Grace and Hope, that might be an encouragement to you.  It’s available on our site in advance copies and will be available everywhere in a few weeks.