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Discernment Help for Mom
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I’m new to this forum, but have been hsing for 8 years. For the most part we do all right, but lately I’ve noticed that whenever I get myself turned around it is because I lacked discernment. There are just so many neat things out there that I get distracted.
I realize that this section is probably for habit training for children, but lately I’ve realized that one of my stumbling blocks is being able to discern the best use of my time and focus. I am in awe of all Sonya is able to accomplish and she keeps her mind so focused on the right outcome. My mind gets easily lured away from my day’s priorities and sometimes I have trouble even figuring out what those priorities should be. How do you strengthen this habit?
Thanks to all.
I too struggle in this area. Honestly, I am pretty sure I have adult ADD, so that may be part of my problem. I can have difficulty focusing and prioritizing. I do much better when I have a schedule laid out and my husband checking in to make sure I’m on track. Getting to the point of having a good workable schedule for our first homeschool year is paramount to keeping me on track and still accomplishing the other many household task and personal goals I need to accomplish. I am very interested in anyone’s suggestions as well.
keeping me on track and still accomplishing the other many household task and personal goals I need to accomplish. I am very interested in anyone’s suggestions as well.
count me in too. definitely a weak area for me. not sure about the schedule part…i seem to freak when can’t stick to the times… but yes to the rest!
jo
I struggle too! So I’m going to keep tabs on this post. I guess it’s safe to say, You’re not alone!!
I wonder if it would be helpful to take baby steps toward strengthening this habit. Possibly you could determine one priority for tomorrow and focus on doing that without getting distracted. Then do it again the next day. And the next.
Once you have one priority in place, you could add a second. And in this way establish the habit without getting overwhelmed.
I’ve been pondering this thread, trying to come up with some practical guidelines for determining priorities, but I feel at a loss without some practical examples. Would someone like to offer a sample situation in which you might find discernment difficult?
I just happened to check back in and saw you posted.
I think your suggestion is a good one and I’ll try it.
My life in the past year has gotten complicated, in large part it is my own doing. I’ve decided to take on a job. I can do this in my home, but it requires a lot of writing and reading. I took on the job mainly as a way to have some place where I could express myself creatively and have a little space away from my family (if only figuratively).
The problem is that the added ‘work’ (although I enjoy it) leaves me feeling very overwhelmed. I wake up with a huge to do list and no sense of how to organize it all. All tasks seem important and unless it is urgent there seems no real order to it all. This means anything can pull me in a new direction at any time and by the end of the day nothing feels done.
I was praying on this and then I thought about how you, Sonya, have written and planned all those books and DVDs and how that requires a lot of focus to be able to do all you have done and manage your home and that was how I ended up on your forum asking the question here.
I know I’m missing some steps in my planning and perhaps in my mindset too.
I’ll stop there and if you have any questions just ask.
Seems like the best way to respond for true discernment is through the Word. There are so many things in our day “to do” that anxiety can set in so easily about what to do and when to do it. I fight the tendency of “all or nothing”, which comes from a wrong perfectionist mindset. Slowly, the Lord has taught me to ask, “What is it Lord that YOU would have me do today?” And then I try to listen for His quiet, still voice through my day in my interactions with others, and even simple things like a decision if my kids need time to play instead of school, etc.
My hubby read a verse tonight that struck me as perfect for this post. Phillipians 1:9-10, ‘And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and discernment, so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ.’
HTH!
Keep in mind that I didn’t start writing and publishing stuff until my children were older. Today I (and you all) are reaping the benefits of the rails of good habits that were laid down in their earlier years.
Now, that being said, I can still relate to what you’re saying because I worked from home the 17 years prior to starting SCM.
The hardest part was feeling the strong pull in both directions. My work pulled me and my children and home pulled me. Whichever one I spent time on, I felt like I was shortchanging the other. Don’t get me wrong; I was thankful for the work. It helped provide income for our family and, in hindsight, I can see that it was preparing me to publish my own books. But it wasn’t easy.The one thing that helped me keep my sanity (somewhat) and keep moving forward with my to-do list was a daily routine. Notice I said “routine,” not “schedule.” A time-table schedule drove me to distraction. I wasted my attention on looking at the clock instead of concentrating on what I was supposed to be doing. But a regular routine to the day gave me the skeleton of a structure and kept me moving forward.
I broke the day into time boxes arranged around meals and snack time. Then I could determine what I wanted/needed to include in each time box. Before Breakfast we got dressed. After Breakfast we did chores (make bed, brush teeth, comb hair), then schoolwork. After lunch was quiet time/nap time. The kids lay on their beds, listening to music, looking at/reading books, napping while I worked for a couple of hours. As they got older, they were allowed to play quietly in their room. etc. You probably don’t want to read about my routine, but you get the idea. The schoolwork might change from day to day, but it was always done during the same time box. And you know, the time boxes got to be good “fresh start” points to my day after a while. If one time box didn’t go as I had hoped, I looked at the next time box as a new beginning. One crazy time box did not have to mean a crazy entire day.
The other tough decision I made was to drastically limit outside the house activities. They were good activities, but they were adding more “pull” to my already-tugging tug-o-war. If I was going to make homeschooling and working from home work, I needed to invest my time in laying down the rails of good habits in our home — both for myself and for my children. Eliminating those outside distractions helped to pare down my to-do list and keep me focused. I spent most of my days teaching and training my children in Biblical conflict resolution and household skills, alongside the schoolwork — those became my home priorities. My work priorities were mostly dictated by my deadlines.
I’m not sure my memoirs are helpful to you, but maybe something in there will spark an idea for you.
I agree with ‘simple home’ that we need to ask the Lord what he wants in our schedule. And the Phillipians 1 verse is wonderful.
I learned from Christian author/speaker Elizabeth George to “do nothing without prayer”. This has truly helped me in my life.
I also believe that correct decisions will bring peace, not strife. Satan loves to have us distracted. Jesus’ advice may apply here – “A house divided will not stand”.
Julies Boys, I hope you find joy and fullfillment and peace. Blessing to you!
Personally, I am not the type of woman who could handle ‘a job’ AND my responsibilites of wife, mother, homemaker, homeschooler, etc. Something would have to give.
Please let us know how things go with you.
I wanted to thank everyone for taking the time out of their own busy schedule to help me out.
Simple Home, I’m going to copy that verse and post it (perhaps several places) where I can see it and pray on it often. To remind me why it is worth it to slow down and think through my decisions and plan.
Sonya, I like the idea of boxed times where things happen at those times and what works then (or doesn’t) is isolated and doesn’t affect the rest of the day. Actually hearing about your schedule was very helpful — thank you. Right now during the day there isn’t a lot of outside activities so that fortunately is not a problem. But I think my mental abscence is causing problems and I’ll have to find a solution.
Helen, I like that quote from Elizabeth George. Thank you so much for your blessings.
I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and prayer (hopefully prayer and not just worried thinking) and a few conclusions that I’ve come to are I need to scale back the work I am doing right now. Sonya what you said about your kids being older hit home, my youngest is just turning 3 soon and my oldest just entered high school (at home). I do not think I can elminate the work because when I took it up it was a lifesaver (in the most fundamental way) at the time and I need some space. Perhaps I went a little too far on the one side and now need to realign my two worlds to fit a singular vision.
I also have been thinking that in addition to writing out a plan for my day to journal about my day more. See what I have done and maybe this will give me perspective as to where I spent my time and efforts and when I lost track or when I took on too much for a day.
I have a few muddled ideas which haven’t jelled yet, but when they do I’ll post them here so they might help someone else who is having this same struggle.
Thank you everyone, and God bless.
Sonya, Actually your “Memoirs” were helpful.
1) Kind of creating chunks (time boxes) of the day might be good for me.
2) I struggle with cutting outside activities out, we already don’t do much out, but church activities are one I can think of (we keep them with us in church on Sunday, but have been allowing them to go to Kid’s church on Wed–my dear friend teaches them–but even that is a lot to me as it throws food and sleep schedules out and exhausts me, and I so dread VBS, I could cry), yet I feel guilty when I see how isolated we seem to be and how desperate my dd desires to play with others.
3) Habit Training: Today, I was about to announce that we were going strawberry picking, tis the season and would be exciting for the children and weather is right. And, before I could, behavior issues ensued over sheer ridiculous things. And I realized that yet again, I need to be dealing here with that instead of doing fun things with them because of the lack of habits, ie. basic things, like getting dressed, teeth brushed, beds made, etc. We are working on the habit of clearing/cleaning the table after every meal. That is our big habit training right now. But with all the others not established, getting anything done is an upstream battle that leaves me exhausted and not wanting to face the day.
4) The constant friction between children is also an issue. And I do agree that conflict resolution needs to be taught…a “subject” needed all the time at my house!
Helen-I agree handling a “job” on top of the mountain I am climbing now, would probably bury me. That said, my husband has requested that I start a small ebay business, which I have done. It is very small right now…because I’m already buried by my other responsiblilities.
My lack of discernment and inability to keep to task seems to stem from moment to moment prioritizing…and the deep desire to finish something so I get frustrated and quit mentally when I can’t finish anything.
I’ll have to give an example later if I can.
jo
Something that might help is to set a timer for 15 minutes and work on something. Doing this consistently ensures that things are done and you can see how freeing it is. I use it with the kids for cleaning, and for school…15 minutes doesn’t seem like a long time, but it is amazing what you can get done. I suspect that Sonya follows her routine ratherly closely to be able to accomplish it all, she has taught herself some habits…I find that I need some habit training of my own in this area – “timer went off, actually get off the computer” – type training…haha =) My computer is my “escape”, along with reading, but can quickly overtake my whole day if I am not careful.
I like the timer idea and have been using it a tad…think i will step it up-sheraz.
Please know that I get up around 5 and go to bed around 11 normally, though I aim for 9pm, that is rare. I’m also nursing. I don’t normally read for fun though I am an avid reader and used consume books and have made myself put the videos away (we don’t get any tv) so that I don’t use it like I was (as a baby sitter, so that I could take a moment and THINK). I was using it too much and my children turned into monsters EVERY time I resorted to it. What I am trying to say is that I am trying really hard to do right…work as much as I can, as hard as I can (have several chronic illnesess) fyi 4 children 7 to 8mo.
but now i am going to be very transparent –here is some typical daily thinking as i’m going along trying to balance and juggle –training children, taking med/vitamins 3 times a day for health issues, schooling, all from scratch cooking with lots of dietary restrictions and limited funds without a lot of fillers…so we are always hungry, keeping house, and a massive still in process de-cluttering/organization/re-arrange house, oh, and the new business–not to mention planning school, meals, etc (when DOES that happen?), church, basic hygiene for everyone, etc. oh and throw in gutters, yard, firewood stacking, growing in the Word, loving my family more, being more submissive, etc….
so here’s the thinking part.
wake, Bible, pray, work on daily school plan, nurse, breakfast, go down to get dressed, today is the day to go get strawberries. gotta go before the rain this afternoon. fight between two, handle. getting dressed–really need shower, no time, must wait. start bleach items…children need to get dressed, no time daddy running late, need breakfast. they’ll have to get dressed later, breakfast, daddy off, remind about habit without saying it, children scatter, take a moment, breath, wait what is that noise, oh, no I did promise we would move dd’s room around when she got it clean, but what a job, ok, I’m coming, DON’T wake the baby!, before that can be down, must move couch out, before that can be done, must rearrage school room/dining room and move all those boxes of stuff I still need to go through, ok, ready to move couch, no have to clear a path big enough, ok ready, handle potty boy, fight between two, ok, now done, no -need to put the file cabinet back, back is going to break, ah, done moving couch (neither room finished and table now covered with stuff), rest a second. getting late better think about food, wait, weren’t we going strawberry picking, gotta hurry, start kids on clean up before go. wait, what about food. what is there? WAIT, forgot vitamins again. take some. get distracted by children and issues. go back to chicken is thawed (no mircrowave)…great…hmmm. sautee it now. oh, finish vitamins before forget again, referee. ok. next?
gotta pick up the raw milk and eggs from the two farms while out…load these items in car…wait…dh took out trash…woops..what about all this cardboard…we look like heathens…leaving items-get cutter, referee and direct back to task. take 3rd with me…cutting cardboard…oh, I need some of this to ship something, get it. cutting more, wait..have to tape it or the garbage man won’t take it. take bottles to car. what was i doing. oh, yeah, get tape. almost done. what’s that pile of cardboard over there? get it too. referee. garbage man here. whew…done. children watch garbage man, i put porch back to rights since third played with everything, cut some limbs trying to take over front door…everyone inside.
ck dc work. redirect. ok, sit, eat the chicken snack. several servings later and much dealing with fighting cause children sitting on floor (table still covered) and helping potty boy 2 y/0 with bathroom light and then legs all in one hole, finally snack done, send children to get dressed…loud, very loud, yelling, etc. I try to ignore while I deal upstairs getting water, nursing, etc. oh where are those pins, I had a whole container, where is it…this constant clutter and not being able to find things makes me feel so defeated–I want to jump in the lake.
change poopy, ds can’t find water, put kids in car, wait, what about stroller, baby needs to nurse…
crazy crazy crazy and by the time we go…it would be lunch time, do i cancel and disappoint?…or go…wait isn’t today wed…church night…ouch we all need baths! heading out…oh, forgot the waters. and BUCKETS!
and on and on…ad nauseum…this is disorganization.
this is my daily jumping around…and if I try to focus on one thing…say school, I will come to a meal completely unprepared, then I will shift my focus to food. and if I focus on obedience, then I find that I never got around to vitamins, water and rest–and a few days of that and i’m really sick, if I focus on whatever… house de-cluttering, then I drop child training, etc.
after writing this i can see part of the problem…i am unprepared (as in no plan) for my daily tasks…no stucture. yet when do i have prep time?
this is so unlike me…
sorry that you are seeing all the yuck.
no time to edit this. running full out.
forgive the transparency and the pitifulness of this… I am unsure why I seem to be the victim of my own self right now…I keep thinking I need to work harder…but that doesn’t seem to work. my mother says I need to use my brain and work smarter. i wish i could translate that into doing…cause i have a hard time thinking with the noise level in the house–i am super audio. i’m sure you find it hard to believe that when i taught i was exceptionally organized a year in advance…and in my other professions…that is what i did for a living…organized people and businesses…too funny huh!
think that i might have too many character deficiencies to really make progress…just too many habits to instill in self…at 41 wow.
falling over crying
jo
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